Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Sending Our Hearts To Heaven ~ 2010 ...

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Remembering Aaron...

Here are some photos from the cemetery. Thank you to everyone who came out to support and remember Aaron with us. It turned out to be a beautiful day.

Me and Aaron Jr.

Aaron Jr was footloose and fancy free... having a blast in the snow.

Aaron Jr putting sunflower seeds on Daddy's headstone. Sunflower seeds are one of the main memories that Aaron Jr has of Aaron. He remembers him eating them and sharing them in the car with him.

I don't think I have ever shared why I choose red and white balloons each year to release on the anniversary of Aaron's death. Their family has a lot of Norwegian heritage and this woven heart is used a lot in their decorating and it reminds them all of Norway. So, when I was choosing what colors of balloons to release at the funeral, I thought of red and white because I thought it would look similar to the woven heart as they fly up into the sky... thus 'sending our hearts to heaven'. I have really loved how they look as they float up towards heaven. (thank you Sue for picking the balloons up for the event)

My Dad said a prayer, then we Let Them Go...

Watching them go...

Sending Our Hearts To Heaven...

We sang 'God Be With You Til We Meet Again' as we watched them float away.

I stomped this heart into the snow for Aaron.

As we were getting ready to leave, Aaron Jr started looking really sad and walked to the car. When I asked him later what he was so sad about, he went on and on about all kinds of reasons. Being cold was one of them... but he never mentioned anything about Daddy. It made me smile.

BUT, then in his prayer later on, he prayed that Daddy would come back out of the ground and be with us again. I still have a hard time knowing what he is aware of and what he does not comprehend yet. He will understand soon enough though... in time...

Its after midnight now, but I wanted to get some thoughts and photos posted.
This year, this third anniversary, was the most difficult for me yet. I am not sure why. It caught me off guard and I am still trying to figure out why it was more difficult than the first or second anniversary. I am not saying that those first two were not tough... but I think I expected that this one would be easier... and when it wasn't, it took me by surprise.

All throughout this past month, whenever the thoughts would come into my mind about the anniversary coming up, I would push it out of my mind and get busy doing something to keep my mind off of it. I succeeded for several weeks. It is not my usual behavior... I usually let myself think what I am going to think and feel what I am going to feel at any given time. But for some reason, this year, I was holding it in and pushing it away. Well, last week, it hit me really hard. It is probably because I was trying to run away from it and it finally caught up with a vengeance. It hit me HARD... and once it hit me, there was no running away from it anymore. I finally had to face what I had been trying to avoid all month...

So, yes, this third anniversary was tougher and more painful than I expected. Today, I let myself feel it. I replayed the events of that day three years ago over and over in my mind... regrets and all. I cried... a lot. After everyone left the cemetery, Aaron Jr was in the car getting warm, and I knelt down in front of Aaron's headstone and just sobbed. I knew that I needed to feel it... so I felt it. And I am glad I did. It has been a tough week, and today was a tough day... but I am hoping so much that tomorrow looks brighter for me. It has to. Right?

We love and miss you, Aaron... Always...

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Monday, November 29, 2010

Three Years

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Three years ago right now, I was having my last conversation with my husband, Aaron. The last words I would hear him speak, the last words I would be able to say to him. Replaying that conversation in my mind often still brings regrets... as I wish I could have a redo. A do over. A rewind. I could kick myself for not saying the things that I now wish I could go back and say to him. For not giving him a huge hug that night and telling him how much I love him as I held him close. Of course I didn't know it would be the last time I saw him alive, but that is no excuse.

When we love someone and if they mean that much to us, shouldn't we be telling them and showing them all the time how much they mean to us and how much we love them? Yes we should be. I try to always imagine it being the last time I see a loved one and I try to make sure they know that I love them before we part ways. I do not want anymore regrets like these that I have from that last conversation with Aaron.

If I could have a do over... I would tell Aaron that I love him. I would tell him that he has been a blessing in my life. I would tell him that I hope I have been a good wife to him. I would tell him that we will remember him always and that we will see him again. I would give him a huge hug and not let go... and tell him I love him over and over... and over.

Even without Aaron here, our thoughts still revolves around him. Whether it is a memory of him, or whether they are thoughts about why life is different without him here.

I cannot even believe it has been three years. Three years since that horrific day where my world shattered and my heart broke into countless pieces... leaving wounds so deep, the scars will remain for the rest of this life. It is so difficult to wrap my mind around the events surrounding that day and the phenomenon of time. If feels like yesterday and an eternity ago at the same time. I feel like my mind is everywhere and nowhere at the same time... like if I keep trying to wrap my mind around it all... I will soon go completely crazy and my mind will burst.

I tried again tonight to talk to Aaron Jr about why we will be going to the cemetery tomorrow to release balloons into the sky. He said that it is because Daddy is in heaven. I asked him why he is in heaven and he said that it is because Daddy is working. Anyway, we talked for a few more minutes, but in the end, he finally asked me impatiently, "How long have we been talking about this?" It made me laugh so hard. I can count on this precious little boy to make me laugh even at the toughest times of my days. He had other important things to do. :) Later in the evening, he very thoughtfully said to me, "I miss Daddy". What a precious boy.

I am grateful for Aaron's life. I am grateful that I got to be with him for a portion of his life. What a blessing. I am grateful that we were able to share our lives together for a short time. I love him. I miss him.

Loving and missing you so much, Aaron...
Remembering you always...
We love you so much...

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Sunday, November 28, 2010

Random October 2010

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Aaron Jr.
At the beginning of October, it was still great weather, so we went with Kerianne and her boys out to the Gateway to let the kids run through the fountains one more time before the cold weather came.

Aaron, Brighton, Bode

Brighton, Bode, birdie, Aaron

Aaron and his stuffed friends on his new big bed.

Kinsie, Kerianne, Leslie (me)
This was one of the last weeks of the farmers market. We had so much fun together every Thursday afternoon during the summer and fall. Thanks gals.

This is me helping a customer. And on the right is Kinsie's creation... a face made out of veggies.

Aaron & Evelyn
We went to the park a couple of times with Suzy and her girls. We had a lot of fun.

Evelyn & Aaron with Greta & Suzy in the middle.

Malia, Evan, Isaac, Aaron
We went to Wheeler Farm with Christa and her kids. It was a lot of fun seeing all of the animals and letting the kids play on the tractors and feed the ducks.

Christa, Malia, Isaac, Evan

Me & Aaron Jr.

Malia, Evan, Isaac, Aaron

Malia & Isaac


Malia & Aaron / Aaron

Aaron Jr.

Aaron Jr.

Isaac, Evan, Malia

Aaron Jr. on the FORD

Aaron & Isaac

Isaac, Malia, Aaron
Aaron, Christa, Malia, Isaac

Malia & Isaac

My precious boy, Aaron.

Haak & Aaron
We sure miss our friends in Lehi.

Haak & Aaron

My nephew, Joseph in his flag football game.

Awesome catch, Joe.

Awesome touchdown, Joe.

Aaron making hearts out of his playdough.

My nephew, David, in his choir concert.

Lennon, April, Dave, Susie
While April and Dave and their kids were in town, I took some family photos of them. It was a quick shoot and I think we got some good ones.

Lennon, Dave, April, Susie

Dave & April

Susie & Lennon

Cute family.

... we sure love this dog ...

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