Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Conversations with Aaron Jr.

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I have some thoughts I want to make sure I 'write down'.

Is there anything more wonderful than listening to your child talk about something that is important to them?

I have been dedicating more time to really listening to Aaron. Throughout these years of his life, I know there have been way too many times when I have said 'uh huh' or 'wow' without truly listening to the words he is saying. But when I realize I am doing that and feel guilty for it, I always have to ask him to repeat himself. So, I have been trying harder to truly listen to what he has to say... and you know what? I love what he is saying. I am getting to see Aaron's language skills growing and developing and he is getting better and better at having a conversation. I am also seeing how clever he is. He makes me laugh so hard every day. He is a clever and interesting boy and I love hearing what goes on in his head. I love it.

After talking to his teacher a while back, she gave me an idea and I have been implementing it ever since. When Aaron and I are eating dinner together, I make sure the TV is turned off and I ask him what the best part of his day was. His answers are sometimes so simple and I love hearing what he considers to be a really great part of his day. Then I ask him what the worst part of his day was. His answers to that question make me sad sometimes because I don't like hearing that anything happened that was not wonderful. Having this conversation with Aaron regularly has helped me get to know my son better. I love asking him questions about his day and hearing what his perspective was on his day. I love hearing his sweet voice telling me things because he wants me to know them. He wants me to be interested. And I hope he know how interested I am. I love having conversations with my son. His voice is one of the most precious sounds in my life.
I need to write down his answers to those questions each day.

As I thought about this tonight, I had a thought strike me and I decided it is something that I need to start doing. Just as much as I love talking to Aaron and hearing what he has to say and hearing about how his day was, I am sure Heavenly Father is also that interested in hearing about my day. I always go through a list of things that I am grateful for and then I move on to the things I ask Him for. Once in a while, when I am having a rough time, I talk to Heavenly Father as though there is a conversation happening... but not often enough. I want to start having real conversations with Him, telling Him what the best part of my day was, and telling Him what the worst part of my day was. I need to share my thoughts with Him. I know I am a daughter of God, but sometimes I wonder if I am being a good daughter of God by talking and listening to my Father in Heaven. He is interested. I know He is. I need to include Him in my life and in the things going on from day to day.

Tonight, Aaron was having a difficult time and I was having to have a 'teaching moment' with him and through tears he cried to me 'I'm having a rough day'. Hearing him say that made me smile inside because it was so cute hearing him use those words, but it also broke my heart because I don't like it when he has 'a rough day'. I want his days to be beautiful and wonderful and full of JOY. After Aaron was in bed, I thought more about what he said and then our conversation at bedtime and when I related that to life, it got me thinking about how as a mother, I really would love to make sure Aaron's days are only beautiful and happy... and I am sure Heavenly Father wishes all of our days could be beautiful and happy without sadness, but He knows better that we need to have those 'rough days' in order to more fully appreciate the happy days. And that without those 'rough days', we would not grow and become stronger.

There is so much I do not comprehend or understand when it comes to our Father in Heaven, but I can say that being a parent myself helps me understand more than I did before. He hurts when I hurt... just as I hurt when Aaron hurts. I know that He wants such wonderful things for me... just as I want such wonderful things for Aaron.

Aaron is so special.
I know I am blessed.

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Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I Need Light

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I realized today that I am not doing very well with my New Years Resolution of having a clearer perspective.
I guess it lasted about as long as it took to type that posting, ha ha ha. Its not so very funny, but what else can I do but laugh? :) I can rest easy knowing that most New Years Resolutions have probably been broken by now.

After I posted on here last night, I was thinking about the lesson I taught in Relief Society on Sunday and a couple of the quotes by President Snow were running through my head... I figured I needed to read them again and reflect on them a little deeper.

"... in speaking of its effects, the Apostle [Paul] says: “The spirit is given to every man to profit withal. To one is given faith.” (See 1 Corinthians 12: 7, 9) Not a common, ordinary faith, which some people pretend to at the present day; but a faith which enabled its possessors to be sawn asunder, to be cast into dens of lions, fiery furnaces, and to undergo tortures of every description. This was the kind of faith that the Holy Ghost conferred upon those who possessed it, enabling its possessor to stand in the midst of every difficulty, defy every opposition and lay down his life, if necessary, for the cause that he had espoused."
~ Lorenzo Snow

"If we keep the light of the Spirit within us, we can so walk in the gospel that we can measurably enjoy peace and happiness in this world; and while we are traveling onward, striving for peace and happiness that lies in our path, in the distance, we shall have a peace of mind that none can enjoy but those who are filled with the Holy Spirit."
~ Lorenzo Snow

That is key.
Back in 1996, I was a new young single adult and I was sitting in the tabernacle on Temple Square listening to a fireside where President Hinckley was speaking. I wrote down something he said that night that has stayed with me and has been something I try to reflect on when I need to.

He said:
"Wherever the light of Christ enters, the darkness of satan must depart."
~ Gordon B. Hinckley

I know that can apply within us.
When I am going through really rough times, I am letting the darkness of satan get me down and take over my thoughts and feelings, but when I allow the Holy Ghost to comfort me, or the light of Christ to radiate from within, then it pushes that darkness out. There is no way for the light of Christ and the darkness of satan to dwell in the same space. So, when I let my heart be filled with the light of Christ and the peace of His love, it radiates from within and I can walk around feeling like a beam of sunshine. I need to let the light of Christ shine through my countenance so that others can see and know that I love the Lord and that I know He loves me.

I need to try harder.
I need to do better.
I really do.

It sure would be nice to see the sunshine more often,
I also need for Spring to arrive.
I need light and warmth.

My sister posted this on facebook and it hit me hard today, I want it to be here to read and re-read.

"The house is not the family. The wind may tear the roof off, blow out the windows; the hurricane may even sweep the house away; but the family remains, that which makes the home. Nor is the body the life itself. It is but the house in which the spirit lives. Sickness may waste the body, but the true life is the spirit within, the which thinks and feels and loves and suffers and wills and chooses, aspires, and achieves. The purpose of life is to beautify, ornament, develop that something within. To develop a more radiant and lovely character is the true purpose of life." ~David O. McKay

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Monday, February 25, 2013

A New Posting With Not So New Thoughts

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I was going to be in bed 45 minutes ago, but after coming to my blog and seeing that I still have not posted any new photos and that I am not caught up on my blog, it made me sad and I figured I needed to type something so that the hard drive crash is not the latest posting.

My parents got home from their second full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a couple of weeks ago. It is really good to have them back. We missed them so much.

With their return, I am reminded that another year has gone by without the changes happening in my life that I had hoped for. The year they were gone was supposed to be 'my year'... it was going to be the year when my dreams would have at least begun to be fulfilled... maybe.

I have been having a hard time with this, but I am trying to just accept it and move forward... again.

With my parents being home and my brother's family coming for a visit from Oregon, there have been more family gatherings lately. I am always excited for those and I enjoy them while being saddened by them. I hate to admit that I feel both JOY and sadness at family gatherings, but it is true. At these family gatherings. I feel the JOY for the obvious reason of loving being with family. I feel sadness because it is a reminder right there hitting me in the face of all of the things Aaron Jr and I are missing out on by not being a part of a bigger family of our own. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have Aaron Jr in my life... he brings me so much JOY, but he and I are lonely. He sees his cousins interacting with their siblings and he wants that so badly... and I want that for him. He sees his cousins interacting with their dads and he wants that as well... and I want that for him. I see my siblings interacting with their spouses and I want that. I see my sisters and sisters in law talking about their families and the things they have in common because they all have bigger families and I want to feel those things in common with them as well. I feel lonely even in the largest of gatherings surrounded by a lot of people who I know love me. I hate feeling lonely, it is such a painful feeling. But I feel it often.

I didn't mean to vent when I started this posting. I almost just deleted all of that, but I guess I won't. I am sure when I read this blog down the road, I will sound like a broken record to myself... but at least I won't have any problems figuring out the desires of my heart during this time of my life.

Aaron's cousin Luke got baptized on Saturday. It was a very special day. Aaron has asked me before who is going to baptize him... I think the first time he asked me was after his cousin Jack was baptized.

Anyway, on Saturday after Luke's baptism, I was driving in the car with Aaron and we started talking about his baptism at the end of this year. When I asked him who he might want to baptize him, he said, "I wish Daddy was still alive to baptize me." My heart breaks every day when we have conversations that are similar to this. He told me last week that he 'wishes Daddy were alive so he could take him ice fishing". A little boy shouldn't have to have those thoughts in his mind. Anyway, he didn't have an answer about who he might want to baptize him. I have kind of avoided this topic because I don't even like to think about the fact that there has to be a choice about who will baptize him. A father should baptize a son. That is just how it should be, right? But it can't be that way, so I had hoped I would be married again by then and Aaron would have a father in his life who he would want to baptize him... but chances are, that won't be the case either. I wonder who Aaron Jr will choose. I know that I need to make sure that day is so special for Aaron no matter what. Whoever he chooses will be one blessed man. It will be such a privilege for them to baptize such a sweet and special boy.

Wow... I didn't know this posting was going to take this route, but there you go. Some of my thoughts over the past few days of being around family and attending baptisms.

My brother's family left early this morning to go home... it was a very sad day for us. We wish they lived closer... when they are here, I hardly even see Aaron because he is playing with their kids for hours on end. We miss them so much when they are not here.

At church yesterday, a friend of mine came to me and told me that I seem down lately. I knew that I felt down lately, but I thought I had been hiding it pretty well. I guess I haven't been hiding it as well as I thought, but I still think I have been hiding it pretty well since she is only the first who has mentioned it to me lately. Sometimes I try to get through my down times, hiding it all the while, then once I reach a time of contentment, no one has been the wiser.

These thoughts are feeling jumbled and like they don't make sense, so I will be done.

I taught a lesson in church to the Relief Society yesterday. The topic was The Holy Ghost... as I reflect back on what was in the lesson materials, I know I need to close my computer and pray for the comfort and peace that comes from The Holy Ghost. I am sure I will feel better after that.

Good night.

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Sunday, February 3, 2013

Hard Drive Crash

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So, my hard drive crashed.
I am not sure how much was lost that cannot be replaced,
but I know for sure that there are a whole lot of edited photos on there that I do not have saved anywhere else. They represent hours and hours and hours of work.

My brother Mark is working on trying to recover the files from the hard drive.
I am so grateful for the hours he has put into working on it...
and I am praying that he will be able to recover my files.
Thank you Mark.

I had a bunch of photos ready to post on here, so now I am just waiting to see if the files can be recovered before I start over on editing them.

Please bless...

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