lester lou and the aarons too

So Long, Farewell :(

2012-01-30T11:16:00.007-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * *

This morning, my parents drove out of town on their way to serve their second full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

They are going to Canada... to serve people there and to teach of Jesus Christ and His teachings.

It was a very tearful goodbye and I am a little bit in shock right now. When we came to their house today after they left, Aaron Jr and I sat in my Mom's recliner and watched the rest of a movie we had started. It is where my mom would have been sitting if she were there watching it with us. It tugged at my heart and I wished they were there watching with us.

Last time they went on a full time mission, Aaron Jr was only three months old and Aaron was still here. I had a new baby and a husband to focus on. I missed them, but this time around is so much more difficult having them gone.

Theirs is the house where all of us kids congregate... where we know we will run into each other while we are visiting Mom and Dad. I like to call it Grand Central Station.

In these past four years, their house is where Aaron Jr and I go to visit when we are lonely... which is often. We go there every day at least once. So, having my parents gone is going to be very different for us... and extra lonely. We will have to call them and skype them a lot.

I am so proud of them. They are doing the work of the Lord and I know that blessings will come to them and our family who will be missing them so much while they are gone. They are to be gone a year or more. It is up in the air how long for sure, but at least a year. They are such great examples to all of us.

My parents are both going to miss us, but my Mom is super sad to leave her kids and grandkids again. She knows she is needed in the service of the Lord, but her family has always been her life.

My Dad, on the other hand, is sad, but also super happy to be off on an adventure with his wife of 49 + years and have her all to himself again.

They are going to spend their 50th wedding anniversary on their mission.

What an amazing way to celebrate 50 years together... in the service of the Lord.

Something is wrong with my hair... and Aaron Jr was trying so hard to put a great smile on his face, but this was his 'CHEESE' face while he waited for the photo to be snapped.

This is us with my parents last night after they got set apart for their mission.

My amazing, wonderful, spectacular, splendid, brilliant parents.

Mom and Dad...

thank you for the examples that you are to us,

the people of Canada are blessed to have you for a time,

but we are blessed to have you always.

We miss you,

We love you.

God be with you 'til be meet again.

* * *

A Hallmark Kind of Life...

2012-01-17T23:43:00.001-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I have had so much on my mind lately... and I have wanted to write it down and I figured I would just start typing and see if any of it makes sense once it is out of my head. I am not writing this to get sympathy or comfort from others... I write these postings so that my thoughts are written down and so that those who read it can understand me a little better...

if they want to.

My mom and I have been hooked on watching Hallmark movies lately. I have always loved them, but it wasn't until these past few years that I have really paid close attention to just how many of them have the same theme to them. You would think that a Hallmark kind of life would be just like a Hallmark greeting card... perfect in every way and is just the way you hope it to be. But, Hallmark movies usually aren't like that throughout... until the end. In fact, a while back I never would have thought of my life as a Hallmark kind of life, but now I realize that my life is smack dab right in the beginning and middle of what a Hallmark movie really is; the grief, the sorrow, the pain, the working toward overcoming the hardships in one's path...

I just haven't experienced the END of a Hallmark movie yet.

Most of the Hallmark movies we have been watching on the Hallmark Channel are love stories. Those love stories usually go something like this: some sort of a love triangle where there is a couple that is already together and a single guy or gal who is a better fit than the one in the current relationship. Somehow, they usually get it all figured out by the end of the show... realizing that they are with the wrong person, and they end up with that other person who just happens to be perfect for them. A lot of those love stories are about someone who is divorced who is trying to find happiness again... and A LOT, more than you would think actually, are about a widow or a widower.

I have been completely caught off guard since Aaron passed away at the number of Hallmark movies, actually movies in general, that have a story line about a widow or a widower. Someone who has lost their spouse who is trying to find love again or just trying to navigate through their grief and figure out how to live life without their husband or wife. I notice more now that I am in that situation.

Right after Aaron passed away, my Aunt and my cousin Mindy came to see me at my parents' house. They had a movie to give to me. It was a Hallmark movie that they both loved... and I guess it now reminded them of me. Well, when they handed it to me, I had no idea just how much it would hit home.

It is called 'Love Comes Softly'... (spoiler alert). I am not sure when I ended up watching it with my parents and Aaron Jr, but it was pretty soon after they gave it to us. It was a movie set back in horse and wagon times. It was about a young couple, Aaron (1st time it hit home) and Marty, who are heading west to begin a new life together. Her husband, Aaron, is killed in a horse accident (2nd time it hit home), and Marty was left alone in a place she didn't know. With winter approaching, there would be no wagon trains leaving to head back east where her family was until spring, so she was stuck there without a home. A widower named Clark, who had a daughter, came to her with a proposal. He told her that he would marry her so that she had a place to live through the winter, if she would help him with his daughter... and if she still wanted to go back east in the spring, he would pay her way back. Well, in those months together, she realized she was pregnant with her husband Aaron's baby. She had the baby while she was with Clark and she named him Aaron Jr (3rd time it hit close to home).

I guess I won't spoil the end by telling whether or not they ended up together... but I will say this. Once I saw that movie, I realized how much I hoped to meet a wonderful man who was a widower and fall in love and get married. I just figure that we would be able to understand what each other has been through and be able to be patient with each other in ways that someone else might not understand. I am not saying I know the future and I am meant to marry a widower... but it sure would be a little less complicated. The movie 'Love Comes Softly' brought me to tears many times because it brought emotions that were real to me, but I sure did love that movie and I am grateful to my Aunt and cousin for giving it to us.

I have been trying so hard lately to 'be of good cheer' like I talked about in y Christmas posting. I really have been trying to find JOY in simple places and to be cheerful and happy in everyday life even if life is not what I have hoped for or expected. I really have been trying... and even succeeding some of the time.

But I have been struggling lately, so it has been more difficult for me to look outside of myself... I have felt a little selfish and I have been experiencing feelings of jealousy more than I ever have in my life. I have been feeling jealousy about the things that I do not have in my life... jealousy towards those people who do have those things that I want in my life. I say 'things', but it is actually regarding the people that they have in their lives... women who have husbands, moms who have CHILDREN. I've said it on here way more than one time how much I want to have a family... a family consisting of a Mom (me), a Dad, and CHILDREN. As Aaron Jr gets older, he asks more and more about having brothers and sisters... and it breaks my heart. Also, the older he gets, the more I panic that he will not have a sibling close in age to him... if ever.

I am also getting older. I was 30 when Aaron passed away, and now I am 34. I will turn 35 this year and at this point in my life, I always imagined myself having 5, 6, 7, 8... kids. I have never put a number on how many kids I wanted because I only ever knew that I wanted however many kids were waiting to come to our family. I never wanted to put a number on it and limit what the Lord has in store for me as a mother. Whenever someone has asked me throughout my life how many kids I wanted, I always gave the same answer... I want as many kids that are supposed to be mine... but I did hope it was a lot. So yes... I am jealous. Jealous of people having babies because I am wanting more so badly. I probably sound like a broken record sometimes, but I am so sad that Aaron Jr is not getting to experience a real, true blue family life. Some of my fondest memories EVER are memories made with my brothers and sisters doing every day things on the farm we lived on... creating our own fun... together. I just know that I am simply not enough to fill up the life that I want for Aaron Jr. But I guess for now I have to try to figure out how to be enough.

Like I have said before... I am in a grieving period right now over something more than just missing my husband. I am grieving the unfulfilled dreams I have hoped for throughout my whole life. These dreams are all I ever wanted out of life... to be the loving wife of a loving husband, and the loving mother to lots of children. This is not meant to take away the gratitude I feel that I am so blessed to have Aaron Jr... he is everything to me... but the grieving I feel over these unfulfilled dreams... it is real sorrow and real heartache. Like I heard in a movie recently, I am grieving over relationships with a husband and children who I have never even met yet.

My mother in law called me today to let me know that they were home from their trip to Hawaii. They had gone with some close friends of theirs and she told me that she and her friend were talking about me while they were on their trip. She shared with me that they were both crying as they talked about me and how lonely they know I must be. They talked about how this time of my life is supposed to be the best years of my life... the best family years with a husband and young children around me. She told me how much she wants that for me.

I think one of the things that is adding to some of my difficulties lately is knowing that my parents are leaving soon. I mentioned in my Christmas Festivities posting that my parents have received another mission call to serve a mission for our church. They are leaving in about a week and a half... and they will be gone a year or more. The first time they served a mission, Aaron was here and I had my own little growing family around me to take care of. I missed them while they were gone, but I had a home with my family. Nowadays, my parent's house is where Aaron Jr and I go each day when we are feeling lonely and want to be in a place where we feel at home with people that we love. Hence the many, many, many Hallmark movies that my parents and I and Aaron Jr have been watching together. ;) But once they leave, that will be gone. It will be so lonely while they are gone...

BUT... I have been trying to look at the positive side of it and I have been trying to see this coming year as an opportunity. An opportunity to use that lonely time to try to get out more and meet people. I am not a very social person... I do not do well in situations where I don't know anyone... but I am going to pray for guidance and strength to help me go outside of my comfort zone and figure out what the Lord has in store for me. My sister in law and I kept saying today that this is my year (I have hopes for it anyway). I want something big to happen in our lives this year. I want my Hallmark kind of life to get to the end of the movie, the part where the girl gets the guy or the guy gets the girl and the movie ends with the rest of their lives still ahead of them to find JOY together.

I am ready for my Hallmark ending... so that the life I truly want for Aaron Jr and for myself can begin.

I pray for it... I hope for it... I need it.

So please bless...

* * *

Second Amendment Fans

2012-01-14T00:39:00.008-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

During Christmas break, we went shooting a couple of times.

I took most of mine and Aaron's hand guns up with us.

Mark and Spencer brought the other guns.

In this photo, I am helping Aaron Jr shoot a real fun for the first time.

Me.

Spencer helping lil Spencer.

My Dad.

Richard, my brother.

Richard, my nephew.

Nathan, my nephew.

Matthew, my nephew.

David, my nephew.

Mark, my brother.

Nairn, my brother.

Nairn, my nephew.

Jacob, my nephew.

Spencer, my brother.

Spencer helping Spencer, my nephew.

Robert, my brother.

Here is a group shot of one of the mornings.

I wish all of my brothers and older nephews could have come with us.

Pull!

This photo was taken of the time that I missed the wood that was thrown in the air...

but the next time, the wood was thrown into the air, I shot the shot gun at it as it dropped, and I hit it square on and sent it flying as it came apart.
It was awesome.

Me with my Ruger 9 mm.

Aaron bought this as a gift for me when we were first married.

He always called it MY gun, but I am sure he bought it for me so that he could have it as well. :) I got a kick out of it. I was always so proud when he would talk about the gun and the first time we went shooting with it. He would always tell people that I had been a better shot than him. He always seemed proud... and it made me happy.

Shooting the 9 mm and the 22.

This is the target we shot at with the 22 rifle.

If you look closely, I hit the number 8 circle...

thus getting the closest with that gun. :)

This is my Dad shooting three different guns.

The bottom one is Aaron's Ruger .22 pistol.

I can't remember which gun I am shooting here.

I think an SKS or an AK47.

Helping Aaron Jr shoot his Daddy's 22 pistol.

Somehow, it seems like it should be someone else here teaching him about guns and how to shoot them... but since he cannot be here, I am more than happy to teach him stuff like this.

Shooting Aaron's Ruger 44 Magnum.

SO powerful... it knocked me back a bit when I shot it.

It sure was fun though...

Dad, Robert, and Mark

all taking a turn with the 44 magnum.

And again... the 44 mangum.

That gun is a beast.

We missed those who could not make it.

Don't do this at home, kids. :)

* * *

Random December ~ 2011

2012-01-10T22:51:00.013-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When we woke up the morning of Aaron Jr's birthday, the power was out and had been most of the night. The wind had been howling and raging outside all night. It was cold because the heat has to have power to run. THIS birthday of Aaron Jr's was one for the record books. I was SO sick on his birthday. I had a fever, a tooth ache, I think I had strep throat, and I was having back issues due to a back spasm the week before. I did not sleep the night before because I felt so crappy and all night I listened to the wind howling. When we got up on the morning of Aaron’s birthday, we were amazed at the power of the wind. We could hardly walk to the car to go to school. The fence that separates our house and the house next door was coming apart. A section of it had blown over and was under our car a bit, while I was moving it from under the tire, another piece flew off of their fence and hit our car. School ended up being canceled for two days due to the wind, power outages, and the debris that was blowing around. So, Aaron and I went to my parents' house to spend the day there. I figured it would be a little warmer there and I felt so awful, I needed some help for Aaron's birthday.

There were so many HUGE trees down across roads. It was unbelievable how much destruction had come from just the wind.

The power was out all day at Dad and Mom’s house but came on finally in the early evening. We stayed over night at my parents' house because our power was out for nearly two days.

I wish I had more photos of how many trees were down all over the place. SO many.

John R, Richard, Nairn, and Robert with the chain saws cutting apart a huge tree that had fallen over at Teresa's parents' house.

John R.

On Sunday, they were expected another huge wind storm that night, so while we were sitting in church, after the sacrament was passed, the bishop stood up and announced that the rest of church was being canceled so that all who were able could get out to the neighborhoods and gather all of the debris and downed trees and take them to the dump so that the debris would not be blown around and cause more damage in the wind.

Church had been canceled all over the area for the same reason. It was amazing to see how many people were out all over the area helping to load downed trees and branches and debris into trucks and trailers to be hauled to the dump. Aaron and I rode along with my brother all day helping to load and unload. We made loads of trips to the dumping areas with a full truck. The photos above are of each dumping place and how many vehicles were waiting to dump their loads. It is difficult to see the line in the top photo, but it was SOOOOOO long. Thousands of people were out that day, serving each other, cleaning up the city... in case the wind storm was a bad one. It was an amazing experience to be a part of.

Here is my brother's truck that we helped load and unload all day.

Here are some photos of the dumping grounds. They started letting people dump at the high school and also by an off ramp by the freeway, the dump was too busy... so they needed to open up other places to dump.

Aaron Jr got to push the button to dump the load and then to put it back down.

It was such a cold day, but at least I got a few beautiful photos between truck dumps.

This is the tree in my brother's yard. They cut it back for winter in the shape of a Y.

GO BYU!

Aaron Jr got a parachute guy for his birthday from Aunt April.

Steve took him up on the roof at Secret Haven to help him make him fly.

Aaron was REALLY into his video game.

Here is a photo that Aaron took.

It is a painting that has hung in my parents' house since before I can remember.

We went to Texas Roadhouse with Mark and Suzy and Dad and Mom.

We had them sing to Aaron and Evelyn for their birthdays that were both in December.

It was a busy month. A good, busy month.

* * *

Christmas Festivities ~ 2011

2012-01-05T14:51:00.003-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Remembering Aaron and Bruce on Christmas.

My mother in law always has this Santa and Mrs Claus come to her store the first Saturday of December. I think they are such a cute and perfect Santa and Mrs Claus.

Aaron asked for a remote control car.

Spencer and Kristi's family were in town for Christmas.

This is Aaron Jr with their kids. They each had a balloon 'sword'.

These are my nieces and nephews and Aaron Jr performing the Nativity while my Dad read from Luke chapter 2.

My Mom made reversible aprons for ALL of the girls in our family.

I love her hand made gifts that she makes each year.

So much effort and so special.

We love them Mom.

Here is a close up of mine and Teresa's.

We are the only ones without a daughter, so we posed together.

My Dad picked out gifts for each of the boys in the family.

They are these awesome LED light things.

The kids were thrilled to have their own new little 'toys'.

They older guys will use them for the real purpose and they will come in handy.

My parents put in their papers for their second full time mission...

and they got their call in the mail the day before our family party...

so they saved it and opened it in front of everyone.

The Canada, Toronto Mission!

They are one lucky mission there...

my parents served there a little over 4 years ago as well.

They are SO happy to be going back to where they served before.

They know the people, the area, and what to expect.

They love the people there and the people love them and have been wanting them to come back there ever since they came home.

We will sure miss them when they go... a lot.

The nieces and nephews with Aaron Jr from the Harkness side.

The nieces and nephews and Aaron Jr performing the Nativity while Steve read from Luke chapter 2. I love having the kids involved on both sides of the family with remembering the true meaning of Christmas. The birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Me with Aaron Jr.

Aaron is here holding a little baby Jesus figurine...

and reciting a poem for everyone.

Here is the poem he recited:

"Day of light

day of birth

here is God

come to earth."

He recited it perfectly and I loved it.

Aaron took my camera and started taking photos.

Here are a couple of his photos.

Grandpa and Grandma Harkness.

Uncle Kenny (Sue's brother) gave each of the kids a gift...

this is them telling him THANK YOU!

Here is another photo that Aaron Jr took.

He took a photo of Daddy and Mommy's photo on the wall.

Aaron Jr got some dinosaurs, and Sue gave him a couple of little remote control racing cars, I wrapped up Bruce the shark again just like I have done every year since Aaron passed away... Aaron bought this for Aaron, but since it is for older kids, we never had him open it at the time... so, I keep wrapping it up from his Daddy every year until he is 8. That is the age it says on the packaging.

The bottom right photo is the remote control truck I gave to Aaron for Christmas.

The meaningful gift that I gave to Aaron Jr this year was a photo book that I put together online.

I went through every photo of mine from the night Aaron Jr was born until the day that Aaron passed away... I was looking for every photo that had all three of us in it. I wanted to put together a book that has every photo of our family so that Aaron Jr had them all in one book.

It was a mixture of emotions... I was so happy to finally have them all in one place, but also very sad knowing that there will never be another family photo taken of our family.

I made one of these books for each of the grandparents as well.

Here is my Dad making waffles on Christmas morning.

And this is my Mom with Aaron Jr at Aaron's headstone.

Aaron Jr and Me at Daddy's / Aaron's headstone. Our Christmas visit to see him.

There was a candle burning on the other side of the headstone that Sue had put there a couple of days before. It was still burning and it smelled SO good.

We also went to the headstone of my parents...

which is also in memory of my brother Bruce.

My brother is buried in Missouri, so this is the first Christmas that we have been able to 'visit' a headstone on Christmas to remember him.

For Christmas, I bought myself the cardinal shirt that I am wearing in this photo, I also bought the cardinal shirt that Aaron is wearing for him for Christmas. They were to remember my brother.

When my brother passed away, he was a sophomore in high school and he played several sports there... the mascot there was a cardinal, so ever since he passed away, the cardinal has been a symbol to remind us of Bruce.

I can't see an ornament of a cardinal and not buy it.

Aaron Jr has found two different puzzles now with a cardinal on it and wanted to buy them for Grandma to remember Bruce. We just got done putting one of them together a couple of days ago.

Anyhow, that is why I bought these shirts... to remember Bruce.

Me with Mom at the headstone to remember Bruce on Christmas.

I could tell Mom was so happy to be able to have a place to put flowers in remembrance of Bruce.

Aaron wanted to show off his new BYU beanie and his new Cardinal T-shirt.

Aaron loves his new remote control truck.

It is always a treat having Christmas fall on a Sunday.

We get to go to church and have a Christmas program.

It helps us all stay focused on the true meaning of Christmas.

I am so grateful for the birth and life of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Thank you to everyone who blessed our lives this Christmas with love and generosity.

We are so blessed.

* * *

To Listen AND To Hear

2012-01-01T23:53:00.044-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

lis-ten [lis-uhn] verb

1. to give attention with the ear; attend closely for the purpose of hearing; give ear.

hear [heer] verb

1. to perceive by the ear:

2. to learn by the ear or by being told; be informed of: to hear news.

3. to listen to; give or pay attention to

I had a completely different posting started last night that I wanted to write for New Years... but I got too tired and figured I would finish it today...

Well, then today happened... and I am writing a completely new posting because of an epiphany that I had about this New Year. So I guess I will finish that posting in a few days...

Now it is late again and I am tired, so I hope this will make any sense... but it makes sense in my head...

Once in a while when I am putting Aaron Jr to bed, if it is not too late... I will say to him, "let's talk". Then each of us will talk about something that is on our mind. I have always been able to tell that he loves it... then it reached a point where I didn't have to say it anymore and he would be the one to say, "let's talk".

Well, it hasn't happened for a while, these past couple of months have been crazy busy and bed time has been a whirlwind most nights instead of ... early.

A couple of days ago, when I was putting Aaron to bed, he said to me again, "let's talk"... I couldn't resist that, so we talked.

Then today on the way home from church (we went to listen to a cousin report on his mission in Salt Lake), we were riding with Aaron's parents, so I was sitting in the back seat with Aaron Jr. Well, he was super talkative and wanted to tell us all about a show that he likes to watch on TV. I realized that I don't take the time often enough to just sit and talk with him and really LISTEN to and HEAR him. I am usually driving if we are in the car and I am paying attention to the road or whatever else... then when we are at home, I am trying to get stuff done, so sitting in the back seat with him when I had nothing else going on, I realized again how much I LOVE to watch and listen to him talk.

As I watched and listened to him talk... I realized that I need to take the time to talk with him more often and truly LISTEN to and HEAR him. Aaron has reached an age where he knows when I am really listening or if I am saying 'uh huh' as I am concentrating on something else. I am ashamed to say that I do that, but sometimes I do. I tend to forget that LISTEN and HEAR are action words... and I need to put them into action way more often.

I can be selfish sometimes... this week has been packed full of cousin time for Aaron Jr. He has been in heaven. Well, as cousin time has slowed way down, Aaron Jr has been talking again about how much he wishes certain cousins of his were his brothers and sisters. The reason I say that I am selfish sometimes is because I get wrapped up in my own loneliness and sometimes forget to think about how lonely Aaron Jr is. I do think about it a lot. But I guess not often enough. When I pray at night asking Heavenly Father to send someone amazing to be a wonderful husband for me and an amazing father for Aaron Jr, I am thinking of both of us... but there are times during the days when I forget how lonely Aaron Jr must be.

I grew up in a family of 11 kids. They were my friends. There was always someone to talk to, someone to play with... so I can only try imagine what Aaron Jr is feeling as he grows up with nothing like what I had. Anyone who knows me and has heard me vent about life knows how much I wish I had at least one more kid so that Aaron Jr had a brother or a sister... but since that is not the case, I realized today that I could do more to help remedy his loneliness. Why should both of us be lonely when I have the power to remedy his loneliness? (Although I am not as fun as a brother or a sister would be when it comes to doing kid stuff.)

The last thing I want for him is to feel lonely as he grows up. These should be happy and carefree years for him... years where he feels loved and wanted and important. It is just us... so if I am not LISTENing to him and HEARing him... then he has no one.

So, my goal for 2012 is to LISTEN to and to HEAR Aaron Jr better.

The best way to show Aaron how much he is loved and how important he is to me... would be for me to LISTEN to and HEAR him. Plus, as I thought about this today, I realized how much I might miss out on if I don't try harder to do this. It is actually amazing how profound children can be... there is a lot that Aaron Jr could be teaching me with what he has to say.

"The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

So this is a way I plan to be better in 2012.

* * *

Temple Square at Christmastime

2011-12-30T00:42:00.006-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We went to Temple Square in Salt Lake the Monday night before Christmas.

I hadn't been there during Christmas for years, so it was great to go there again and show it to Aaron Jr. It was so beautiful.

Aaron Jr.

Me with Aaron Jr.

My amazing parents.

It was so cold.

Robert, Teresa, Zach

Spencer, Kristi, Spencer, Luke, Benjamin, Lila, Andrew

The other photo was blurry, and because I used a flash on this one, you can't see the temple as well... but I love being able to see the kids.

Zach, Spencer, Aaron Jr, Benny, Luke

with the temple behind them.

At the top of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building.

Aaron Jr with the nutcracker... and Andrew overlooking the view.

The amazing reflection of the temple with the Nativity.

So beautiful.

The Nativity.

The temple towering above with the Nativity.

In the reflection pool.

I might have gone a little overboard taking photos of the temple in all its glory, but it was just so beautiful. I couldn't help myself.

Here is the Nativity set up on the lawn there...

and the shepherds...

and the wise men...

We parked far away so that we could find a parking spot and then ride the train to downtown.

The kids loved it and it made it a little easier.

Aaron Jr on the train.

Aaron Jr with the Nativity behind him.

What an amazing place to visit... not just at Christmastime, but always.

There is such a peaceful and calm feeling there at Temple Square and I just love going there.

It was a wonderful outing for the Christmas season.

* * *

A Merry Heart for Christmas

2011-12-25T00:01:00.008-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As I reflect back on this past year and the areas of my life that I have tried to improve, one area in particular is at the forefront of my mind this season.

The past several years, I feel like I have been walking around in a fog... finding JOY in life's moments, but not truly feeling cheerful in my heart. The cheerful example of a fellow widow caused me to reflect on my own life and the countenance I was portraying to others. I felt like my countenance had to show the world the sorrow and loneliness that I feel inside... but living this way has not been right. Being sad is not our purpose here; our purpose is to have JOY.

One of my all time favorite scriptures is in John 16:33. The Savior said: "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."
It wasn't until this year that I interpreted that scripture as more than just friendly advice. Jesus tells us to 'be of good cheer'.

I have been trying my best to do just that... to 'be of good cheer' and feel the peace that we are promised even in our tribulations. As it says in Proverbs 17:22: "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine..."

I love this. Feeling merry does make me feel better in so many aspects of my life. I have always felt like our heart is central not only to our physical make up, but also central to our emotional and spiritual make up as well. When I feel true sorrow, I literally feel physical pain in my heart. When I feel true JOY, I feel my heart swell and it feels like my heart is dancing. Aaron Jr brings that kind of JOY to my life.

It is in the heart where we feel JOY, sorrow, courage, regret, pride, humility, purity, LOVE, empathy, understanding, gratitude, etc. Our hearts are where our true desires are and I believe our heart is what connects us to God, our Father.

I have learned that what I am feeling in my heart is what drives me. The state of our heart will determine the path we will walk and the countenance we will portray. When we allow Christ into our heart, we allow Him to guide us and we let His light shine through us. It is because of Christ that I have a merrier heart and my countenance is brighter and full of good cheer.

"A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance..." (Proverbs 15:13)
"Rejoice ... and let thy heart cheer thee ... and walk in the ways of thine heart ..." (Ecclesiastes 11:9)

We are so blessed. I am striving to have a merry heart and to be of good cheer even in my tribulations and to let the light of Christ, our Savior, shine through me.
Jesus Christ is the light and life of the world... He is our Savior. He is our Hero.
We celebrate the gift of His birth and the gift of His life. We love Him so.

~ have a Merry Christmas with a Merry Heart ~

Love always, Leslie * Aaron Jr.

* * *

A Whirlwind of a Birthday... Literally!

2011-12-21T01:55:00.000-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Happy Birthday to you, Aaron Jr !

SIX years old!

A few months ago, my nephew got a candy poster for his birthday and Aaron wanted one for his birthday. Well, he didn't remember, but I did. So, I created this candy poster for him. Some of the sentences are a stretch to fit the candy in, but it was fun to try to come up with it all.

He was SO excited when he saw it.

So, the day of Aaron's birthday, we woke up to WIND, WIND, WIND... it was a huge wind storm the night before and had continued into the day. I was super sick and had had one of the worst night's of my whole life when it came to sleep... and the power was out at our house most of the night as well and still was that morning. When we got out to our car, the neighbors fence had a section that had blown over by our car and I had to move some of the pieces away so I could even drive out. While I was doing that, another huge piece of their fence blew off and hit our car.

Just on the short route to school, we came across several HUGE pine trees that had blown over and were blocking some of the road. It was crazy how powerful the wind was. Aaron was all prepared to deliver the 'treats' we had gotten for the kids in his class for his birthday, but when we got to the school, there were moms outside telling everyone that there was no power in the school and it was up to us parents if we wanted to leave our kids or not. We found out later that school had been cancelled through the whole district because of the wind and the unsafe conditions. We went to my parents house to spend the day because I was so sick and could hardly even stand up. I needed help from my parents that day. My dad picked up some prescriptions for me and my mom offered to mix up Aaron's cake when I headed into the kitchen to make it. What a blessing they were that day and always. Thanks Mom and Dad for your help!!!

At some point in the morning, we drove around with my brother and parents to see some of the damage throughout the area. It was incredible how any trees were down, and stop lights were down, and stop signs, and fences. There was going to be A LOT of work to be done in the coming days and weeks. I wish I had felt better that day, I would have loved to get some photos of some of the damage.

The power was out at my parents' house as well, but my sister's power had just come back on, so once it was mixed up, we took it to my sister's house and baked it there.

Then back to my parents' house where I frosted the cake and all of us sang to Aaron Jr. My sister and her kids were there since they had brought us back after the cake was done. The photo above where I didn't use a flash is how dark it was getting in the house without power. It was a crazy birthday for Aaron and I am sure he will remember it always.

And after we ate cake, THIS is how dark it got while we sat in the living room visiting. The kids all took turns telling stories with the flashlight on their faces. What a birthday!!! :)

A few minutes after I took this photo, the power came back on ... what a blessing. It would have gotten cold that night. We stayed at my parents' house that night because our little house still didn't have power all night that night.

School was cancelled the next day as well and we just got to relax for the day at my parents' house while the wind blew and while they tried to get power to all of the areas around here. It wasn't until the next afternoon that our house finally got power back.

Crazy wind storm. You just wouldn't believe how many trees and fences were down after the storm. It was crazy. I have some photos of some of the clean up that I will post later on about it.

But for now... this was how Aaron Jr's birthday went.

He was such a trooper.

One day when we went to fill a prescription at the pharmacy, I heard Aaron say,

"Hey mom, look, I'm an old man."

He was walking all hunched over and his face was like this photo...

and I could not stop laughing.

I am so glad I got a photo.

At his well check this month, he was almost 52 inches tall. He is still OVER the hundredth percentile in height and has been for a few years now. The lady who does his check ups is amazed every year. He is healthy as can be and I am so grateful for that.

I sure love my little boy...

Happy Birthday Aaron Jr!

Now, if only you will stop growing up so fast!!!

* * *

Remembering 11-29-07

2011-12-16T01:47:00.020-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Remembering Aaron... 30 balloons for 30 short years of life.
It was SO cold.

His hands just keep growing and growing...

Evan AARON & AARON Jr

Once again, sending our hearts to heaven.
Remembering November 29, 2007...

Sprinkling sunflower seeds...

That morning, my friend Lisa took me out to breakfast

and brought this flower to me. She didn't even know that

the flowers at our wedding reception were gerber daisies.

Thank you Lisa.

I truly don't know what I would do without this little boy.

HE makes my life worth living.

I keep thinking that the anniversaries will begin to get easier, but for some reason they get more and more difficult. I think I know why though... each year that passes, it is yet another year that my hopes and dreams are not being fulfilled... my hopes and dreams of marrying again and having more children.

Lately I feel like I am doing better, but I am now grieving over my unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I come from a family of parents who love each other and have been together now for 49 years... and a family of eleven children. I never knew how many kids I would have, but I for sure planned on having more than one child and I planned to have a husband that I would grow old with.

I never knew before this happened that I could actually grieve my unfulfilled hopes and dreams. It is a grief that is as real as the grief I have felt over the loss of Aaron. It hurts my heart when I think of the coming years and how lonely I am and how lonely I know that Aaron Jr is when it comes to not having siblings to play with and to be his friends throughout his life.

This particular anniversary, I did something that I have not been able to do for the four years since Aaron passed away. When Aaron passed away, he was asleep at his parents' house. He was sleeping in a room that we used to stay in a lot when we would be there for the weekend.

Since the day he passed away, I have not been able to step foot in that room. I would walk past it at their house and sometimes I would pause, but usually I would walk past quickly. I couldn't foresee the day that I would actually want to walk into that room again.

The last memory I had of that room was of Aaron laying on the floor just inside the door and the paramedics working hard to bring him back. I never knew until that moment just how violent CPR is... but that is the final visual I had of Aaron and that room. It was not a pleasant memory... so I made up my mind that I may never go into that room again.

Well, this year, it had been on my mind a lot in the weeks prior to the anniversary and I figured I needed to overcome the fear I had and go and spend some time in that room. The anniversary was coming up, so I used it as my target date. Once the anniversary came along, I wasn't sure that I would be able to do it, but I wanted to try. So, that night, Steve and Sue took Aaron Jr out for an early birthday outing and I was alone in their house. I stood outside of that closed door for a while just sobbing.

I think one of the things that scared me about this was the fact that if I spent some time in that room, I wanted it to be a profound and special experience for me. I wanted to feel something or to have something happen that was amazing... and I knew that if nothing happened when I went in there, I would feel disappointment and discouragement.

I did eventually go in.

I wasn't feeling very well that night, so I decided I would just lay on the bed in the dark. I layed there for about an hour and a half just thinking, crying, and talking to Aaron... until I fell asleep. I woke up when Steve and Sue got home with Aaron Jr.

I didn't have any profound or amazing experience. I had hoped to, but I didn't. But what I did have was a feeling of peace in that room. What did happen was that I overcame a fear and an obstacle that has been on my mind OFTEN for the past four years. What can happen is that I plan to spend many more hours in that room where Aaron spent his final hours.

We sure miss you Aaron. We love you.

One last thing I wanted to share.... I hope my brother and sister in law don't mind me sharing this story on here, but I love this story.

My brother sent this as an email to our family a few months ago and he was telling this story about his wife, my sister in law, Kara. I am grateful that Kara was so thoughtful for this sweet lady.

My brother's email:

"Today Kara was walking from the parking lot toward All a Dollar when a sweet-looking
elderly lady came out with 2 balloons...one red heart balloon and one "Happy Anniversary" balloon.
The red heart balloon slipped out of her hand and floated up into the sky while the sweet woman just stood there indecisively watching it. Kara ran inside and grabbed a red heart balloon, paid in a hurry and got outside just as the woman finished backing out of her parking stall.
Kara stood in front of her car and motioned for her to roll down the window...which she did.
Kara explained how she had seen the balloon float away and had really wanted to replace it.
The elderly woman thanked her and begged to be able to pay for the replacement balloon.
Kara assured her there was no need for that, she just wanted help.
The woman thanked Kara again and said that it was their anniversary today and she was going to give the balloons to her husband.
Kara thought this was very sweet and went to say so, when the woman instead
finished her thought...
"I was just headed to the cemetery"."

This email came within a couple of days of mine and Aaron's wedding anniversary back in August, so when I read this email, it really touched my heart. Thank you Kara... for being so thoughtful and aware.

* * *

Random Pics

2011-12-14T11:28:00.004-07:00

* * * * * * * * *

Ready for another haircut?

A speed walking race with Grandpa and Grandma Higginson.

71 year olds against a 5 year old. So fun.

While I was working at the farmers market this summer, Aaron was at Grandpa and Grandma's Harknesses house... he cooked them dinner. He makes me laugh.

Fishing with Grandpa and Grandma Harkness

Grandpa Harkness teaching Aaron how to shoot a BB gun.

Most of these are random photos that I got from Sue.
They are taken over the past few years. Most are fairly current, but some are not.

Thought they were great, so I had to post them.

* * *

Happy Birthday, Aaron Jr !!!

2011-12-01T00:03:00.137-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Six Years Old... What!?!?!

Aaron was born on December 1st, 2005 on a Thursday night at 11:58 pm. Two more minutes and my sister Lisa could have continued to have her own birthday. But I was glad when she showed excitement that Aaron was born on her birthday. It was the happiest day of my life. Aaron was a miracle baby... we were blessed with him through the miracle of artificial insemination. My dream of becoming a mother had finally come true.

What can I say about this amazing little boy?

It would take days to write about him and tell just how amazing he is.

So I will share just a few things...

Aaron began school this year. He was so excited to start kindergarten and he is doing great. He towers over all of the other kids. I wish that was an exaggeration, but he literally stands at least an entire head taller than the other kids. He is a gentle giant... something he definitely gets from his dad... he was a gentle giant as well.

Aaron is the most thoughtful kid I know. I have been under the weather for the past several days... sometimes unable to get up. Well, this little boy has served me willingly all week. He hasn't complained that I have been boring and he hasn't complained when I ask him for yet another favor. Another way that he shows his thoughtful and gentle side is apologizing to me anytime he even just bumps into me on accident. He is such a sweetheart.

Aaron is very mindful of others' feelings.

Aaron is such an example of forgiveness and letting things go when he has been hurt. He does not feel the need to carry around a grudge when someone has been mean to him or hurt him, he will be right there ready to play with them again if they want to play with him.
He is also very forgiving of my shortcomings. Thank the heavens.

Aaron is becoming quite the chatter box. I am so happy to report that the stuttering issue that I was concerned with last year has stopped. He has reached a point where he actually wants to tell me things and have a conversation. He even eavesdrops on my phone calls these days. He didn't use to care what I was talking about on the phone, but now... he wants to know a play by play while I am on the phone.

In his short life, Aaron has had to be strong and has worries that kids should not have to have. I don't remember ever worrying about dying. Aaron does... daily.

Two of the things he prays for every night without fail are these:

'bless that nothing that I think will happen to me will happen to me, but if it does, fix it and make it better'.

'bless my mom and me won't go into heaven because we don't want to and we don't like it'.

I recently asked him after his prayer 'why do you think heaven is such a bad place?'

his response was this... 'because I don't want to go there, I want to stay with you.'

It breaks my heart how much worrying this little boy does. I want him to have a JOYous childhood... as normal as is possible under the circumstances.

What a blessing that, even though he worries so much, he is still the most cheerful little boy I have ever known.

Aaron is really into building things and then destroying them lately. We built a snowman the other day and once it started to melt, he just wanted to destroy it. Every time he walks outside, he can't help but kick it since it is taking forever to melt all the way. He also loves to build things with his lincoln logs and then uses his toy demolition tractor to destroy it.

Aaron is also the most sentimental little boy you will ever meet. You might also call him a pack rat. He comes by that honestly... although I am really working on that issue. :)

Aaron also has the best laugh you will ever hear. He laughed for the first time when he was about a month old. I know that seems impossible, but its true. He has a good and deep gut laugh and he has had that laugh his whole life. It is music to my ears when I hear him laughing. Its my very favorite sound.

Aaron really wants brothers and sisters. Every once in a while, he will mention that he wishes he could be in my brother Spencer's family so that their kids could be his brothers and sister. Luckily, I know that doesn't mean that he would be willing to give me up as his mom. :)

I hope so much that someday, I will be able to have more kids so that Aaron has siblings. One can hope.

I could go on and on and on...
but I will just mention one more...
Aaron loves Jesus. He knows that Jesus watches over him. When something is wrong, he wants to pray. He has childlike faith that amazes me. He trusts Heavenly Father and Jesus and I am so glad of that. He knows that they love him.

Aaron Jr's strikingly beautiful eyes.

A few years ago, Aaron Jr was laying on my lap and he was looking at me and he said

'I can see me in your eye.'

Ain't that the truth? He is the most important thing / person in my life... I hope my eyes reflect the love that I have for him... and I also hope that he will always be able to see how important and loved he is in my eyes.

Aaron Jr, you are the treasured blessing in my life and I hit the blessing jackpot when you came into our family.

This is the birthday card I have been emailing to all of my family members this year. I thought I would add it to this posting... these are Aaron Jr's footprints on the beach of cape cod on the last big vacation we got to take with Aaron here with us. He was only 18 months... where does the time go?

Happy Birthday my sweet boy!

I love you so much...

* * *

Four Years...

2011-11-29T00:52:00.004-07:00

* * * * * * * *

~ Aaron Sverre Harkness ~

March 29, 1977 ~ November 29, 2007

I am not sure how it is possible that four years have passed by without you here... but somehow they have. In some ways the gaping wound feels as fresh as yesterday, but time and the Lord are helping our shattered hearts to heal... a piece at a time.

We are so blessed to find comfort through the Lord...

I will need it today.

Remembering you today... and always...

We love you Aaron.

* * *

Thanksgiving ~ 2011

2011-11-27T22:13:00.068-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you,

as you are to them. ~ Unknown

Aaron Jr and Me

having our traditional pie making day.

We cut back on the amount of pies that we made this year.

Last year there were a few pies left over,

so this year we only made 9 pumpkin and 1 cherry / blackberry pie.

 In family life, LOVE is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds us closer together, and the music that brings harmony.

~ Unknown

Sue or Steve or both carved these pumpkins.

They were on their front porch that night when we showed up.

I love these.

We all ate together the night before Thanksgiving because April and Dave's family was flying out on Thanksgiving morning. It was so good to see them.

 In every conceivable manner,

the family is the link to our past,

and the bridge to our future.

~ Alex Haley

Sue had the kids put together a puzzle of family photos and quotes about family.

The quotes she had on the poster are typed out throughout this posting.

Family is so wonderful!

Ta Da!

Families are like fudge...

mostly sweet with a few nuts.

~ Unknown

A treat turkey that the kids put together.

 The only rock I know that stays steady,

the only institution I know that works is the family.

~ Lee Iacocca

~ Aubrey Joy ~

and Aaron Jr.

We got to meet our newest niece the night before Thanksgiving.

This is April and Dave's newest addition.

She is precious.

 The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.

~ Thomas Jefferson

Me with Aubrey... Lillie Pearl with Aubrey

I have to share a sweet experience with Lillie Pearl.

After the photo puzzle was put together, I hung it up on the mantle to take a photo, then I stood there staring at it for a while. Thanksgiving is a tough one for me since Aaron passed away. I started to cry, then composed myself and stepped back.

As I stood there by the couch, Lillie Pearl walked over without saying anything and hugged me around my waist. So I sat down on the couch and gave her a real hug and said to her "I was feeling so sad and now I am feeling so happy. Thank you. That was sweet."

It really was sweet. She was so aware that I was having a sad moment. I am grateful for people who are aware of other's feelings and act on promptings to share their burden. This sweet little 6 year old girl did just that.

Thank you again, Lillie Pearl.

Family means putting your arms around each other and being there.

~ Barbara Bush

Thanksgiving Day was spent with my side of the family.

My camera battery died just after we got to the church to gather, but it charged up a bit so that I could take this photo of some of the kids eating their pie after dinner.

 Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a family: whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

~ Unknown

Aaron Jr and I with a couple of our pies. Mmm...

For some reason, this Thanksgiving was one of the more difficult ones for me. It was the last holiday that we got to share with Aaron, and he passed away a week later. So, it is bitter sweet for me. I usually end up feeling very alone at some point over the few days of the Thanksgiving weekend, but all in all... family helps me to feel loved and feel like I belong somewhere. What a blessing family is in my life and in Aaron Jr's life. We are so blessed. I am truly thankful for family.

May we . . . demonstrate kindness and love within our own families. Our  homes are to be more than sanctuaries; they should also be places where  God’s Spirit can dwell, where the storm stops at the door, where love  reigns and peace dwells.

~ President Thomas S Monson

* * *

Holiday Heroes

2011-11-26T23:12:00.002-07:00

* * * * * * * * * *

I gave blood again...

I went in and gave blood the day before Thanksgiving. They were doing a special blood drive and I have never seen it that busy before. What a great turnout they had! The lady who was taking care of my donation told me there is a blood shortage and they need more donors.

We all got this pin that says 'Holiday Heroes' for giving that day.

So, this is my newest reminder to get out there and give blood. It will save lives.

Click on the link above for information about being a blood donor.

* * *

Girls Late Night ~ 2011

2011-11-20T02:47:00.015-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This year, our annual girls' overnighter turned into a 'girls day out and late night'.

Once we changed it so that it was just for the day and late night, I was excited that more of our friends could make it to some or all of the outing.

We decided to spend the day / evening at the Gateway in Salt Lake to go shopping, then to a movie, then dinner... then go to my house to chat the night away until people needed to go home to bed.

Kerianne and I started out the day just the two of us and we did a little browsing / shopping.

We missed going up to Park City this year, but the Gateway was a good alternative.

After shopping, we were heading to the movie and heard from some of our friends that the movie was not going to work out. So, it was Kerianne and me at the movie.

But that was okay, because more friends were going to join us for dinner after... we saw the movie 'Footloose'. It was an enjoyable sort of movie, a lot like the original. It was very entertaining and we enjoyed it.

During the movie, I got texts from more of the gals letting me know that they were not going to be able to make it after all. Bummer.

We figured we would head to dinner and hope to hear from any of the other gals we had been planning to see...

The rest of the photos show those of us who were able to make it to dinner...

Me and Kerianne

and... Me and Kerianne

yep, Me and Kerianne

oh yeah, Me and Kerianne

that's right, Me and Kerianne

...and last, but certainly not least, Me and Kerianne

If you couldn't guess from the photos, it was Kerianne and me at dinner.

We missed those who could not make it... literally.

We had a lot of fun.

Our late night was a success... AND...

if all of this wasn't enough, we didn't get home that night until 8:45 pm!!!

I know, I know, we took the concept of 'late night' to a whole new level.

What can we say though?... we are a little wild and crazy.

Until next year gals... it will be a challenge to try to top this. :)

Thanks Kerianne!!!

* * *

a little 'off'...

2011-11-19T15:33:00.011-07:00

* * * * * * *

Friday, Nov 18...
My heart has been heavy and extra sensitive today. I am not sure why, but all day today, I have felt a little 'off'. I haven't been able to put into words just what felt 'off', but that is just how I felt all day.

I am not sure about how other people feel when they have days like this, but when I have a day like this, I hate it. I hate it when I am having an 'off' day, but there is nothing to blame it on, nothing to attribute it to. I go about my day like normal, but it nags at me all day... wondering 'why do I feel so 'off'?' Even trying to talk through it today with a couple of people didn't bring out into the open what I wanted to know. Sometimes talking through things does that for me. Not today.

But then, when I am having a day like this, something will happen that wasn't on my mind at all, but it will happen and all of a sudden, it sets me off. It doesn't set me off in an angry kind of way, it sets me off in a hurt and emotional way... bringing to the surface the feelings that have been trying to erupt all day. But it finally gives me something to blame it on, something to attribute it to even if it has nothing to do with feeling 'off' all day. But, I think when this happens, it does allow me to feel some strong emotions and finally have a good cry.

As far as what finally set me off tonight... so that I could have a good cry... it is something that sets me off anytime I think about it...

Saturday, Nov 19...
Hmmm... I typed out a whole explanation about it last night, but then logged on today and had to delete it because I cannot share it on here. It would open a can of worms that I do not want to open.

I will just say this much. I hope that I am the type of person who always tries to make those around me feel wanted and important. I hope I never act indifferent towards someone who I should show love to. When others act indifferent towards you, it sure does make you feel completely alone in their presence. I hope I never make anyone EVER feel like they are alone when they are around me. I hope I will always be a person who shows kindness to others. I am not saying I am a perfect person in making others feel great, but I know that I am the type of person who is very mindful of how my words and / or actions are making other people feel. And if I even have an inkling that I have made someone feel bad, I feel horrible and I try to correct it as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, I know how it feels way too often to be in these situations... where I feel completely alone even when there are certain people around... because of them seeming to be indifferent towards me. And it always brings pain and sadness to me.

It makes me that much more grateful for my family and the Lord... they all know me the best and they are the ones I can go to in order to feel loved and wanted. I sure do love them all.

We should all be more aware of how we make others feel.

Still not sure why I felt 'off' all day yesterday... but today the sun is shining and Aaron Jr and I built a snowman together. I don't feel quite so 'off' today.

* * *

Random October ~ 2011

2011-11-16T23:45:00.036-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

At the store... the cases of water looked like a chair, so Aaron made himself at home. :)

Aaron with his explorer backpack full of explorer tools. A sweet lady named Rita sent this to him.

We have never met Rita, but she is one of the wonderful people who reads our blog.

Thank you Rita.

Aaron in some BYU Cougar gear. :)

He still wants to be Jimmer Fredette someday.

I found this cute photo of my nephew Benny.

We can't wait to see them at Christmas time. :)

The six gals on the top of the photo are six of my nieces.

Emily, Elise, Julia,

Anna, Hannah, Caroline

The two gals on the bottom are a cousin's daughter and my sister in law's niece.

It was fun to watch them all play.

Aaron Jr.

We went with Kerianne and Rori and their kids to Gardner Village.

It was the first time we had been there. It sure was a fun place to visit.

Aaron Jr was our photographer.

There were many, many takes.

He is already a pro. :)

Me, Kerianne, Rori

So, Aaron and I were playing with lincoln logs a lot last month and would create farmhouses and barns for all of his farm animals. At one point, he started taking all of the bigger animals and saying they were the moms and he would put the smaller animals with them as their kids. When I walked back into the room at one point, I had to laugh when I saw how he had arranged the pigs. SO funny. I know he has seen Charlotte's Web loads of times, I assume that is where he saw this?

Aaron has been really into drawing and coloring lately.

I am loving the photos that he draws for me. They usually are photos with me, or daddy, or both of us in them... or all three of us. He is a sweetheart.

Richard and Haley

At the beginning of the month, my cute nephew married his cute bride in the Bountiful Temple.

They are a sweet couple and I am so happy for them.

Congrats to you both.

(my brother did their photography, he took this photo: Rob Higginson Photography)

These are the last photos taken of our flower garden before it froze that night.

We were so proud of how well it did and we had so much fun taking care of it.

There were SO many buds ready to bloom still... it broke my heart when I woke up the next morning and saw that the plants had all frozen. I know that sounds so silly, but these flowers were such a hugely therapeutic project for me this year. I really miss seeing the bright colors every morning when we wake up.

That last couple of weeks that they were blooming, I had pruned back the plants that had seemingly died and they were FINALLY coming back and were getting a lot of green back on them. They were finally giving flowers again. I was sad that they didn't have more time to make a full recovery.

Ok, enough. :)

Us ~ the proud gardeners. :)

* * *

Halloween ~ 2011

2011-11-13T23:59:00.029-07:00

* * * * * * * * * * *

This little boy is my SUPER HERO!!!

A neighbor of my parents gave this costume to Aaron Jr several years ago. It was too big at the time, so I put it away and loaned it out to cousins over the past few years... I did the same thing this year thinking it would still be too big, so I loaned it to my sister... luckily my sister informed me that it would fit Aaron Jr this year so she would be happy to borrow it next year instead. It would have been too small for Aaron next year, so WHEW! :)

This was the night Aaron and I went to the school carnival. We sure had fun together on our little date night out.

Carving pumpkins at my friend Lisa's house.

The kids did great.

I cut most of the top of Aaron's pumpkin, then I drew the face on, but then he took over and cut the face all by himself. I was so impressed!

A whole bunch of kids... including Aaron.

Aaron and Ashton.

If you can believe it, Ashton is a few years older than Aaron.

My son is SO tall.

Ashton is Lisa's middle child and he and Aaron sure have fun together. They can play for hours together without a problem.

Aaron is showing off his pumpkin in the middle of this photo.

This one has all three of Lisa's kids in it.

Ethan is in the back right corner, Ashton in the red shirt, and Averie in the pink.

The other kids' names escape my memory, they belong to other friends that I have met through Lisa.

Halloween, as we begin our journey of trick or treating.

Aaron with his pumpkin.

Aaron got invited to trick or treat with some cousins.

Aaron Jr, Zach, Thomas, Jack

It was fun to be with family. Thanks for the invite!

Aaron Jr as a dog.

Me... wearing my good old stand by spider hat and black plastic glasses without lenses.

I love that Aaron Jr has fun on Halloween, but if I had my way... Halloween would be wiped off of the calendar.

We did have some good laughs at some of the festivities, but I have never been a huge fan since I grew up. It is becoming nearly as big as Christmas as a holiday. Loads of parties and people really go all out on decorating. I could go into all of the reasons I don't like Halloween, but I won't. :)

I will just say that I will continue to make it as fun as Aaron Jr wants it to be... and once he is ready to be done dressing up, I will shout HOORAY! :)

* * *

Farmers Markets ~ 2011

2011-10-18T09:35:00.009-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Me (Leslie) and Aaron Jr at one of the Farmers Markets.

My summer / fall job of working at the farmers markets ended this past week.

These are the markets I have worked at for the past four summers / falls with my friends Kerianne and Darci and various other helpers who are great.

This year, I worked at two or three per week and it is bitter sweet to see it end this year.

The money has been very helpful and it has been fun spending that time with friends,

but I am glad to have that time back to spend with Aaron Jr.

Oh yeah, and I will also miss all of the fresh produce that we get to eat from their farm all summer... Mmm... its so delicious!

It is also fun learning the difference between all of the peppers and winter squash and learning what a tomatillo is for. Fresh veggies sure are beautiful. I had my fair share of corn, zuccini, summer squash, and eggplant this year. Oh wow, it was always so delicious. One of the goals I had this year in regards to the market was to finally make salsa and can it, but once again, I let a year slip by without getting around to it. Next year for sure. :)

Aaron Jr got to come with us to the Salt Lake market on the last week to help out and he was such a great helper. He never stopped working even one time. Helping restock and add ice to the veggie boxes to keep them cool in the sun. He did great.

Me (Leslie) and Darci at another one of the Farmers Markets.

Me (Leslie) and Kerianne at another one of the Farmers Markets.

It was sure a fun year.

See you next summer girls (and hopefully lots of times before then, of course).

* * *

Random September ~ 2011

2011-10-11T11:53:00.010-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This is Aaron.

He is my very happy and handsome boy.

Aaron showing off his turtle that he made at school.

The photo of the Bountiful Temple that I took and then enlarged (16x20) to give to my nephew Richard and his fiancee Haley. This is where they got married. Lisa and I went in on this together. It turned out really nice.

Aaron wanted a photo of this before we washed it off.

And while we were at it, here is a photo of his owie.

His first black eye (that really only ever looked yellowish).

He literally got this from the car door. OUCH! Crazy stuff.

Annual September Halloween party at the Harkness home.

Aaron wanted to be a 'knight' again and as I got dressed in whatever I could find, Aaron told me he wanted me to be the 'black widow' again. Easy enough, so I changed.

Boys against Girls game putting the skeleton together.

Bingo game... Aaron won!

Does he look happy, or what?

He actually looks like he is in pain, but that really IS a smile.

Another Boys against Girls game.

Putting the candy skeleton together game. Moms could help, Aaron won.

This is Evan Aaron. We were watching him in the kitchen and he picked up a stray candy corn and was examining it and kept looking up as if wondering if it was okay to eat. Then he looked up with this grin before he tasted it. After tasting, it went in the garbage. :) It was cute.

We are so fierce.

Bluin, Aaron's fish is still going strong. We got him on June 1st and I am glad to report that he is still alive. WOO HOO! What a feat!

He looks so pretty swimming in the water.

Yep.

Aaron again.

I love it when he gets this expression on his face.

He is so sweet. I love him.

* * *

Lessons I Learned From My Flower Garden

2011-10-05T22:51:00.001-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In July, Aaron Jr and I went to a local gardening place and picked up about $20 worth of flowers. We picked out all different colors and a few different types of flowers.

When we got them home, all I had planned was to throw them into the dirt wherever there was dirt showing and call it good...

I did, however, decide to pull a bunch of weeds and level part of a huge mound of dirt.

Then we planted the flowers and called it good...

until the next day.

I wish so badly I had taken a before photo of both sides of the front of the house where we planted... but I didn't.

But the photo above and below show how we left things that first night, then decided I needed to do more.

In the photo above, you can see behind the flowers how there are tall weeds on top of a mound of dirt. Well, those tall weeds and that mound of dirt extended around the front of the house and half way across the flower bed that you can see in the photo. I pull the weeds and shoveled the mound of dirt away just enough to have the front of the house looking fairly decent, but then I went even further.

Aaron Jr and I went rock collecting and got enough rocks to frame both flower beds so that it looked a little more finished off.

Then I really got ambitious, I UNplanted all of the flowers that I had planted the night before because I wanted to build up the flower beds a little more. They were a little low on dirt, so I used some of the dirt from the mound that I was shoveling away and I built up the flower beds a little and then REplanted all of the flowers again.

Here is another view of the weeds and mound halfway through the project.

And here is the finished product.

All of that mound of dirt came about because my nephews were digging a larger hole under that basement window for a larger window that will eventually go in there.

Front view.

The flowers in the front were blooming well when they first went in.

This is the finished product of the other side in the other flower bed.

Here is a more recent photo showing how nicely the larger flowers began to bloom.

The front flowers kindof went dormant for a while.

Here are photos from today.

This side of the house does not get sunlight much, so it has struggled a little more than the other side. Some of these plants have the first blooms on them of the year, but they are finally blooming up a storm. I just hope the weather doesn't freeze on us soon and make the blooms stop in their tracks.

Also from today.

Both sides together.

Some of our beautiful blooms.

The bees have REALLY loved our flowers. There are a dozen bees out on our flowers at any given time. :)

Aaron Jr said something funny a couple of months ago about a weed in the grass.

"The bumble bees hate that kind of flower because they don't have any polish."

Since then he remembers the word pollen, but I thought that was so funny. :)

And here is Aaron Jr showing off this side of the flower bed.

We had a lot of fun planting together and he has helped me weed a few times.

Aaron helps me water the flowers and took a special interest in this flowering weed that was growing at the edge of the flower bed and he calls it his flower. It does give little tiny daisy-like flowers on it and it doesn't spread, so I could handle leaving that weed alone. He really loves it.

When we first started these flower gardens, I was only in it half-heartedly, but by the time I had invested any time in it, I wanted it done right and I spent hours and hours outside in that next couple of weeks getting it looking as good as I could on the resources I had. And since then, I have spent hours and hours out there weeding and pulling off the dead flowers so that new ones can keep coming.

These plants are flowering huge amounts and there are dozens of little buds starting on most of these plants. It has been so much fun for me and it has been very therapeutic as well.

Around the time that I started these flower gardens is the time that I was getting down to business on the soul searching I have been talking about so much in these last posts on here.

My flower garden has taught me so much these past few months. I guess being out tending to it has given me a lot of time to just think these past few months. That has been so good for me.

In no way do I think I am more enlightened or have more to say than the next person, but sometimes I just love to find the parables (parallels) in my every day life... and if they have helped me in any way, I want to share some of those things with others...

When I think back on the parallels (parables) that can be drawn about the flower garden and my grieving and healing process, I find it quite interesting. I started the garden only wanting to do it half-heartedly... just enough to look somewhat decent and add some color to our front yard, but in the end, my personality type was not going to like how that looked and felt.

Just like the flower garden, my grieving and healing process has been half-hearted at times. At times, I would get more serious about healing and want to figure things out and move forward, but then at other times, I just wanted to APPEAR to be healing and to be finding JOY in my life so that I could just get by. But in the end, this summer I have figured out that it is time to be done with that. I figured out that I might as well do it right if I am going to do it at all... the healing process, I mean. :)

It has been extremely therapeutic for me to be cultivating a flower garden this summer. When a plant has struggled, I have mourned for it and I have worked hard to nurture it back to health. When it has finally begun to thrive and bloom, I have rejoiced in the health and beauty of the plant. In fact, there is one plant that has not had even one bloom on in yet in the three months since I planted it... and this morning, I finally noticed the first bud has just appeared.

I felt JOY and triumph and was so proud of my little plant for the fight in it. There are other plants that appeared to just be completely dead, they were lacking something... water, sunlight, whatever it may be... but after pruning back the dead bits and making sure they are getting plenty of water, they are fighting their way back. I feel so happy each day when I see this more green coming back.

This is just like us as human beings. When we know someone (or ourselves) who are struggling, they (we) must be lacking in certain areas of life... that is when we should be mourning over them and then stepping in and helping to nurture them until they are thriving once again... then we can rejoice when they begin to bloom again.

I feel like I am finally beginning to bloom again... from the inside out.

I am sure we all know someone who we have rejoiced over once we began to see them come alive again and to bloom.

Another parallel I drew with my garden and my life is when it comes to weeding.

When I was teaching Aaron Jr why we need to pull the weeds out of our garden, I told him that if we leave the weeds there, they can eventually overtake and choke our flowers. He began saying that whenever we were out weeding... making sure the weeds don't choke our flowers.

While weeding the flower garden, I came to the realization that just like I was weeding the flower beds to preserve their beauty and their lives, it was time for me to weed out some things in my own life as well. Weed out some things that were choking me emotionally or spiritually.

I realized that there were things in my life and even people in my life whose words or influence were choking me in a sense and have somewhat been a hindrance in my healing process. Now, I am not one to weed out a person from my life... I love people... but I have tried to figure out ways to weed out the things they do or say that bring me down and make me feel awful.

Weeding out the things that are choking my progress has really helped me in this soul searching and healing time of my life. When 'weeds' creep into my life, I need to weed out the things that set off the feelings of sadness, the things that bring me down.

Instead I have been trying to surround myself with good reading, uplifting activities, and people who truly love me and want only the best for me. People who bring JOY into my life.

These are the things that will help me cultivate JOY and HOPE in my life... and help me to reach the potential that is within me.

We are so blessed to know Who OUR Gardener is.

Our Father in Heaven is our Gardener... and He knows what we need in order to thrive.

* * *

'Seeketh Not Her Own'

2011-09-20T00:23:00.005-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So, a month and a half ago, I wrote a posting and included this scripture in that posting:

'And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.'

~ Moroni 7:45

I had decided that I needed and wanted to study more about that scripture as it pertains to my life and how I want my life to be. So then, after a lot of soul searching, I wrote another posting last month about some of my thoughts and what I have been learning.

Aaron Jr and I watched the newest Narnia movie recently called: Narnia, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. As most people probably know, the lion called Aslan in these movies is a representation of Jesus Christ. As we watched this movie, one of the characters, Eustace, was somehow changed into a dragon, and later in the movie, Aslan changes him back to a boy.

This conversation at the end of the movie caught my attention and I wanted to share it because it hit home to me as I seek to listen and learn from my surroundings.

Edmund: So what was it like when Aslan changed you back?

Eustace: No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it myself. then he came towards me. It sort of hurt, but it was a good pain... like when you pull a thorn from your foot.

As soon as I heard that conversation in the movie, I immediately thought of my situation and thought about the posting I did last month called 'Good Grief'. I talked a lot about pain in that posting. As I heard that conversation in the movie, I thought about my journeyings in the past several years... and the pain that I have felt and tried to endure. It reminded me of all the times I have learned about how the pain we endure through our trials and hardships are Heavenly Father's way of molding us (or changing us) into what He needs us to become. Of course, in the moment, the pain is not easy... it hurts, but once you feel like you are pulling through it, you realize how strong you have become and the pain becomes a blessing. The part where Eustace says that no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't change himself back reminded me of the atonement of Jesus Christ. There are countless thing in this world that we cannot do unless we have the help of the Savior. There are so many things we cannot do for ourselves, but can do them with the help of Jesus Christ. Changing into what we are meant to become is one of those things. But there IS pain involved.

This reminds me of something I was talking to my friend Alisha about. She was telling me about CIPA -- congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis. It is a disorder where you cannot feel pain. You can feel the sense of touch, but cannot feel pain. (here are a couple of news articles about kids with this disorder, very eye opening: Article 1, Article 2). At first when I heard about this, it sounded like a dream come true... not feeling pain, but its not a dream come true. My friend told me that the life span for someone with this disorder is young because they do not learn from the pain that they might feel in their life. If they touch a hot plate, they don't feel the pain, but their body still gets burned. But because they didn't feel the excruciating pain, they might touch it again. They end up damaging their bodies because their bodies don't give them the response that the need in order to stop doing something harmful. Think about how well this disorder relates to emotional and spiritual pain as well. The pain we experience in our lives is what helps us to become stronger and helps us to grow. Pain hurts, but imagine if we didn't progress in our lives because we didn't feel the pain from those things that stretch us, that build us, and that help us to grow and become strong. Imagine the lack of strength we would receive if we never experienced pain in our lives. We would be weak physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

~ ~ ~

Anyhow, back to the movie... a few minutes later in the movie, Prince Caspian says something else that really struck me and made me reflect on my life all over again, he said:

Prince Caspian: I've spent too long wanting what was taken from me and not what was given.

This line hit home to me because I have spent years doing just that... wanting what was taken from me and not what was given. If only you all knew exactly what this means for me.

I saw this movie after I had been studying out that scripture in my mind. This line went perfectly with what I had been thinking about for a couple of weeks and it had to do with the line in that scripture that says:

'seeketh not her own'

This line of that scripture has caused me to really take a good look at myself and I didn't like what I saw when it came to that part of the scripture. 'seeketh not her own'... I realized while reading that scripture that I had been trying desperately to 'seek my own' will, and I had not been 'seeking' and accepting the will of God.

I didn't realize it before, but I now realize that, in the past several years, I have been fighting against my reality. I know that I really am a widow, but because I have hated that reality so much, I have been fighting against LIVING that reality. I hate the reality of being alone (without a husband), so I have spent years wanting that back, wanting what was taken from me. I have tried my hardest to put my life on hold... and live in limbo... while I waited for my life to become the reality that I actually want it to be. I have been appearing to live, but in reality, I have been going through the motions of life as I waited and waited to meet someone, get married, and finally begin living again... living the reality that I want most.

So, yes, I have been spending my time wanting what was taken from me instead of what has been given to me.

But its time to stop. I know it is time to stop fighting my reality and accept that this IS my reality. Of course this is easier said than done, but if I am going to learn what I am meant to learn, I have to do my best. I am sure I could have learned so much more of what I need to learn by now if I had not been fighting against the Lord's will. When I think about what I have been given, I feel so ungrateful because of the time I know I have wasted as I fought against what the Lord has tried to teach me and what He has given to me through this trial.

Its kind of strange to even talk about fighting against the Lord's will. Its not like I have thought that I could change the facts of my life, but when I say fighting... I guess it means that I am rebelling against my own reality, not wanting to face that it is real. All I have been really doing is 'seeking my own' will instead of submitting to the will of my Father in Heaven. Obviously, THIS is His will. So, what do I do with THIS reality? That is what I should be asking myself.

I don't know how long it is going to take me to learn that the will of Heavenly Father will bring me so much more JOY and happiness in the long run than trying to force my own will. He sees the big picture, I don't. He knows truly who I am and what will be the best path for me, I don't.

I know that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me, and I know that I need to put more trust in Him.

I even bought a book at our family yard sale this past weekend about this very subject by Elder Neal A Maxwell. I look forward to beginning to read it and I hope it gives me even more insight for myself and also to share.

So, this is the next installment of my 'Good Grief' series. Seems a little silly, but I am learning a lot. :) Something I need to work on:

accept THIS reality, instead of fighting against THIS reality; seek the will of God, instead of seeking my own will.

* * *

Random August ~ 2011

2011-09-19T15:22:00.002-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Spent some time at Lagoon with my sister Lisa's family.

Henry, Aaron, Angus, Stella

Gus, Stella, Aaron

Aaron Jr helping Grandpa put together a bistro chair.

And the finished product.

Aaron had bought about thirty of these chairs in boxes before he passed away. I put about 15 ish of them together a few years ago and sold them, these were the last four that we were putting together that day. They are now sold as well.

Another trip to Lagoon with my friend Lisa and her kids.

Kris, MiRanda, and Zellie

This is the day their little girl Zellie was sealed to them in the temple.

They adopted her earlier in the year.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

MiRanda asked me to take photos of them afterwards outside the temple.

Here are a few shots.

An eternal family.

Me (Leslie), MiRanda, Zellie, Kerianne

Ethan, Ashton, Averie, Aaron Jr

We spent the night at my friend Lisa's house (my fellow widow friend) and we had a blast. Aaron played with her kids and Lisa and I just relaxed.

Aaron Jr.

This was Aaron Jr on the drive home. He was SO tired and worn out.

I didn't even realize Aaron's hair was this long until my brother used a lawn blower thingy on every side of Aaron's hair. He was lookin' pretty fly. :)

* * *

Boating / Tubing

2011-09-17T23:48:00.260-06:00

* * * * * * * * * *

Before I get started, I have to say that I am not in love yet with the new features of blogger. I don't like to learn how to do something all over again when the original way has worked out just great for me... but I hope to love it once I get used to using it.

We will see.

So, Scott and Lori's family invited us to go boating with them in August. It felt a little strange being on a boat again. We have not gone boating since Aaron passed away, so Aaron was the last person we went boating with on his boat. It felt like a breakthrough and we had a lot of fun. They invited Robert and Teresa's family to come along as well.

Aaron Jr had to be talked into riding on the tube, but once he was on there, he had a blast. Can you tell?

Zach, Aaron Jr, Anna

The first tube riders of the day.

At one point, the tube caught a LITTLE bit of air and that is when Aaron Jr had it. He started crying and then was just not happy. :) So, his turn was over... for now.

Zach, Julia, Sophie

Julia, Robert, Anna

Me (Leslie) smashing Julia. Robert was bounced off into the water.

This was so much fun.

Sorry Julia. :)

Robert, Julia, Me (Leslie)

My turn to be bounced around pretty good.

I was being bounced right out of my seat... and trying to hold on for dear life.

But I did finally bounce right off and into the water.

So, we switched sides and then Robert got bounced off again. :)

Julia, Sophie, Anna

Robert and Aaron Jr.

Scott and Aaron Jr.

Aaron Jr, Teresa, Lily

Teresa's bad back made it so she had to go on a ride where they took it easy. And after coaxing Aaron Jr back onto the tube, Lily reluctantly got on the tube as well. It took a while for Lily to warm up to it, but eventually was smiling from ear to ear.

Zach, Anna, Sophie

Lori and Michael

and Scott

Then these seasoned veterans on the tube decided to show us a few trick rides.

Julia, Sophie, Anna

Julia, Me (Leslie), Anna

Another wild ride.

Robert went on a ride solo because he wanted Scott to try to do anything and everything to get him off of the tube. He was going so fast, it was crazy. He finally did come off of the tube... and was SO worn out after that ride.

Zach, Julia, Sophie

Aaron Jr, Me (Leslie), Lily

I thought I would try a trick as well.

One last ride for Aaron Jr, Teresa, and Lily.

Aaron Jr was getting brave...

Then with a little help from Teresa, Aaron Jr and Lily both got brave.

My sweet boy.

He had a blast and so did I.

Thanks to Scott and Lori and their family...

it was SO much fun.

* * *

Aaron Junior is Learning to Read

2011-09-07T20:07:00.007-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This is Aaron Jr.
He brought home his first sight reading book today.

I read through it part way, then he got the hang of it and took over.

This was his third time through it.
Memorization is great! :)

He was so excited and so was I. :)

He is loving school.

* * *

First Day of Kindergarten

2011-08-31T22:25:00.006-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So, here he is.
My little kindergartener.
Actually I guess little is not what I should use to describe him.
He is by far the tallest kindergartener at that school.

Notice his new shoes. I bought those on sale in February...
and he has been begging to wear them for months, but I told him he can't wear them until school begins. So, once in a while, I would catch him trying them on again and walking around the house for a few minutes. He was so excited to finally wear them the first day of school.

The dog tags he is wearing are my dog tags that I got on vacation in Washington D.C. about 10 years ago. He loves them. They have my name on them, but he doesn't care.

We drove to my sisters house and we walked to the school with them on the first day.
Here are Stella and Aaron Jr.
He is wearing the backpack he picked out... Bumble Bee from Transformers.

This is Aaron's school stuff that he layed out the night before.

Here is part of Aaron Jr's first homework project.
His name spelled out in Penne pasta.

Here is the photo of the official first day of school.
The other first day was the day that us parents came with our kids to have a little back to school orientation with the teacher. Then they had four days off while they had evaluations all week.
So this was the true first day of school for Aaron Jr.
He picked out this yellow Brazil shirt to wear because that is where Daddy went on his mission. As he layed it out the night before, he kissed the Brazil flag on it as he remembered Daddy, then asked me to kiss the flag as well.

He had a great first day of school and he is loving it.
It was so difficult for me to leave him there... I miss him each day.
But I know he is ready for it and it will be good for him.

So, to fill the 2 hours and 45 minutes from drop off to pick up, I decided I am going to start going to the gym a few times a week. So far, so good.

Aaron Jr is LOVING school... and I am so glad.

* * *

Celebrating Nine Years

2011-08-29T23:19:00.009-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This past month has been tough in certain ways... ways that made it so I had a hard time wanting to celebrate our wedding anniversary. But as the day approached, I thought that maybe by celebrating our wedding anniversary, it might make me feel better about some of the things I have been having a hard time with.
So, I decided that I should make some fun plans for Aaron Jr and me for that day. It turned out to be a Sunday, so I decided that we would drive out to the cemetery after church and we could have a picnic at Aaron's headstone.
The day before, we went to the store and Aaron Jr and I each picked out a Lunchables lunch and a treat. (the Lunchables were disgusting... I will never buy one again)

In the photo above, we are having that picnic at Aaron's headstone.
We had fun together.

After we ate, Aaron Jr got out his harmonica and played a song for Daddy.
It was so sweet.

After the cemetery, we drove over to the Salt Lake Temple, where Aaron and I were married. Aaron Jr and I got out and walked around the temple grounds. I showed Aaron Jr some of the spots where Aaron and I had wedding photos taken.
It was peaceful and I am really glad we stopped there.

I also told Aaron Jr about how it was supposed to rain the day of our wedding, but we had a miracle and it was clear skies. I told him that our wedding reception was outdoors and it would have been ruined if it had rained. He asked where our reception was, and I told him it was in Grandpa and Grandma Harknesses backyard... he wanted to see it, so later in the evening, we stopped by their house so I could show him where our reception was. I told him where Daddy and I stood to greet people.

What a handsome boy.

After we got done at the temple, we went over to feed Shayla.
It was a good ending to our outing for the day.
What a beautiful horse she is.

All in all, it was a good day.
At church that morning, I was asked to be a Primary Teacher and I was told that I would be teaching Aaron Jr's class. I was excited about that. Then, the lesson in Relief Society was about eternal families. It was just what I needed to have a lesson on that day. It brought things into perspective and helped me to feel gratitude for the gospel and the plan of our Father in Heaven. I am blessed.

Happy Anniversary, Aaron. I love you.

* * *

GIVEAWAY !!!

2011-08-25T23:56:00.007-06:00

* * * * * * * * *

Hello bloggers!
This is Secret Haven.
An amazing little boutique in Fruit Heights, Utah.
If you live anywhere close and have never been there before,
you really should check it out.
It is seriously a really fun atmosphere.
And very beautiful.

We are having a giveaway, so if you are on facebook, you have to go and enter to win in this giveaway by helping to get the word out.

Read and follow the instructions.
They are super easy!

Click on the photo above to see what it is all about!

* * *

Give Blood

2011-08-22T17:04:00.006-06:00

* * * * * * *

I know it seems like I am posting this weekly, but they really do wait 8 weeks before they call me to come back in and give blood.

I gave blood again today...
So this is my reminder AGAIN to make an appointment and go and give blood.
I would never want to encourage anyone to do something that I am not willing to do myself. :)

SAVE A LIFE!!!

* * *

Nine Years...

2011-08-21T00:01:00.003-06:00

* * * * * * * * *

Today would be our 9th wedding anniversary.
It sure was a beautiful day.

Happy Anniversary, Menino...
I love you!

* * *

'Good Grief'

2011-08-17T01:10:00.017-06:00

* * * * * * * * *

These past few years, thoughts and feelings I have written on my blog have had several purposes. I started writing originally because I did not want to become a burden on my family and friends by sharing my feelings of grief and pain over and over. But I still needed an outlet... a 'safe' place to be able to share my thoughts and my feelings. I was still able to get my thoughts out, but without burdening anyone. So, I shared them with the world through my written words on my blog.
But then I began wondering if I would look bitter if I continued to share my grief and my pain and my sorrow as time passed by... so I even began hiding those thoughts in my writings as well. I would write about it once in a while... but most of the time, I was not writing down my feelings anymore.

I wish I could say that I have used my blog throughout my journey and have written about all the times when I have had a breakthrough, or an 'aha' moment... and maybe I have done that once in a while... but for the most part, I have shared more of my pain in my written word than my healing.

But I am so happy to say... that is going to change. NOW.

I hit another rough patch last month. The bitter pain was back in full force and I was experiencing it all over again. During that time, I read a scripture that I mentioned in THIS posting... and since then in these past few weeks, I have done a lot of soul searching. I have been reading inspiring things, watching inspiring movies about overcoming adversity, praying a lot, and just thinking a lot...

A few postings ago, I posted this poem:

"Pain stayed so long.
I said to him today, 'I will not have you with me anymore.'
I stamped my foot and said, 'Be on your way,'
and paused there, startled at the look he wore.
'I who have been your friend,' he said to me. 'I who have been your teacher - all you know of understanding, love, of sympathy, and patience,
I have taught you. Shall I go?'
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender, he left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song -
even for one who'd tortured me so long."

-Spencer W. Kimball

In these past few weeks of soul searching, this poem came to my mind and I realized that this had happened to me.

Pain has become my friend. My security blanket. My safe place.

Not only that, pain has also become one of the ways that I thought I could prove my love for Aaron. Prove to those who knew him how much I love him. I have chosen to believe that the more pain I feel and the more pain I continue to feel as time goes on, I will be proving that much more to people that I love Aaron and that I hurt without him here.
But why should I have to prove that? I know it, that is what matters.

I wish I could say that the pain I have felt since Aaron passed away was solely to do with his death... but its not. I have pain that I have carried around from before that day as well. Pain that creeps in... often. The pain that I have been carrying around for years now... has become so deep and hurts so badly, and it has made this journey all the more difficult for me as I have tried to get to a place where I could forgive and also deal with my own regrets.
It is difficult to imagine my life without feeling that pain... without showing that pain... and without desiring that pain. At times, pain is the only thing that I could feel. When I felt numb... I desired to feel anything, so pain became a welcome guest.

I have spent so many years in pain, I have lost sight of and forgotten what it feels like to be truly happy.

This breaks my heart.

I remember being a happy child, a happy teenager, a happy missionary... I just had a cheerful countenance and was told such often. People who knew me back in those times of my life don't know how that happy girl from my youth could be someone who is not feeling the JOY that they saw in me back then. I am a different person... and I have denied that fact for so long, but deep down I knew it was true. It is amazing how circumstances in life just wear you down and you lose sight of who you are and why you are here.

I am not saying that I walk around sad all the time. I don't.
I still laugh and smile and feel some JOY.
I just know that my countenance is heavy and I am just not the same.

Yes, pain has been my friend. But I am ready to say goodbye to my friend. I am ready to take all that my friend has taught me and I am ready to tell my friend goodbye.

I am not unreasonable to think that my friend, pain, will not be back for visits now and again... but in these past few weeks, I have come to realize that I can be happy even if my life isn't even close to what I truly want it to be.

I don't need to carry this pain or even wear this pain around with me for another day. I am so ready to be done with it.

Sadly, I have let pain become what defines me.

In the ward we moved into last year, there is a lady who has been so cheerful and always seems so happy. I have watched her from afar and have always thought of her as a happy and cheerful person... and someone who makes others feel loved.
Recently, I found out that this lady that I have noticed from afar... is a widow. I don't know the details of it all and I don't even know how long it has been since she lost her husband... but what what I do know is this:
At that moment when I found out that she is a widow, her cheerful and happy countenance became an example to me. Because she has felt the depth of my sorrow in losing a husband and has triumphed over it, I realized right then and there that I don't need to use my pain to prove that I love Aaron. I don't need to feel pain in order to miss Aaron. I don't need to feel pain in order to show that I remember Aaron.
This lady gave me a gift without even knowing that she gave me a gift.
I don't need to have sorrow in my heart and pain in my soul.
She let me know that I could be free... free to be happy even if it still hurts to have lost Aaron.

I wish I could express how difficult it has been for me to put these thoughts into actual words because I have had such a battle going on between my head and my heart about what I truly want. Part of me wants to write this and announce to the world that I am done with pain... but the other part of me feels like I am not ready to let this friend go... and also knows that my life is still doing to have pain in it at times.

But I am glad to say that my heart is winning this battle.

This reminds me of a couple of scriptures that have been favorites of mine, but seldom in my adult life have I truly lived by these words:

'A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.'
~ Proverbs 15:13

'...let thy heart cheer thee...'
~ Ecclesiastes 11:9

It makes me cry to read these verses again.
I know that my spirit, or countenance, has been broken for a long time. I know that the sorrow, or pain, of my heart has worn me down and has dimmed my spirit, or countenance.

My heart wants to heal and feel true JOY again... to be of good cheer. I want to have my countenance scream to the world that I have JOY in my life, peace in my soul, and have been triumphant in my tribulations. I want to have my countenance show the world that I know who I am, why I am here, and whose daughter I am. I am a daughter of God.

I wish I could write down all that I have been learning and all of the amazingly inspiring things that have really propelled me these past few weeks, but this posting would be a whole novel.

This is the start of the next chapter of my journey... a positive chapter.
A chapter of healing and a chapter full of good cheer.

In the words of Charlie Brown, we will call this chapter 'Good Grief'. :)

Stay tuned...

* * *

Random July ~ 2011

2011-08-16T00:57:00.006-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Stella, Hannah, and Elise were doing a lemonade stand one day, so we came to buy some... and Aaron ended up sitting out there with them to help. Such cute kids.

Roar!

Sophie got baptized in July.
She looked so beautiful. Congrats Sophie. You are a good example.

Lily and Michael wanted to pose as well.

Aaron loves to make his hair look crazy.
Time for a haircut? Yep.

Beautiful Utah Sunset.

Aaron helping Uncle Richard and Grandpa work on this car.

Aaron loves to help.

I love capturing these beautiful skies above the Bountiful Temple.

These two guys were Elders that served in the same mission in England that I served in. Strand Family on the far right came over from Norway and we got a few of us together for lunch and some fun at the Gateway in Salt Lake. The Scott Family in the middle came down from Idaho. Jaime, who is standing next to me, is a gal I taught on my mission and got to see her get baptized... then she married Elder Scott. :) Aaron Jr and I are on the far left. :)
It sure was fun seeing them all again and catching up.

My friends' kids.

Aaron Jr.

Caleb and Aaron.
The umbrella doesn't work so well when the water is coming up from underneath it. ;)

John and Tawnie bought some fun fireworks and set them off for the 24th of July, Pioneer Day.
Thanks! It was fun.

We went to the fair for Pioneer Day with Kerianne and her boys. Here they are jumping with Aaron.

Aaron and Bode.

Aaron at the parade. Prepared with a bag for any goodies that get thrown his way.

Here is the view we had when we met my parents and Lisa and John's family to watch the fireworks for Pioneer Day.

Kara's sister Heather's birthday is on the 31st. She passed away nearly two years ago and we went next door to help them celebrate by releasing balloons for her birthday. Heather is very missed.

It was so windy, the balloons would not float up into the sky, so Aaron Jr was just running around the yard collecting them so that we could keep trying to get them up into the air. My nephew David was up on top of the garage trying to get them up as high as he could to keep them in the air. It was quite funny and memorable.

Here is the slip n slide party that Aaron begged to have.
Tawnie was kind enough to host and the kids loved the slip n slide.
The enormity of the slip n slide was a little overwhelming at first, but once the kids got used to it, it wasn't a problem. (kidding, its tiny)

All the kids who came for the slip n slide party. Thanks Tawnie!!!... and all the moms who came to visit while we watched the kids. :)
We had fun.

* * *

5k ~ 2011

2011-08-14T00:21:00.008-06:00

* * * * * * *

So, after two years in a row where I competed in two sprint triathlons per summer... I haven't competed in any yet this summer. So when Tawnie told me that John was going to run the 1/2 marathon in July and she was signing up to do the 5k that day, she asked if I wanted to run it with her.
I have never run a 5k on its own before, so I agreed. Their son, lil John, signed up to run the 5k as well.
John did an awesome job on the 1/2 marathon and lil John and Tawnie did an amazing job in the 5k.
It was so much fun running with them.
I am excited to get back to some more sprints triathlons next summer and maybe some other races. We will see.

John, almost to the finish line of the 1/2 marathon.

Tawnie, lil John, and Me after finishing the 5k.

Me, lil John, John, Tawnie, Jolie & Sean (Tawnie's sister and her husband), Austin (Teresa's nephew)
Us with some other familiar faces. :)

Me with Aaron Jr.

Thanks to those who came to cheer us and John across the finish line.
It was a fun day.

* * *

Snake River Trip ~ 2011

2011-08-11T01:21:00.022-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Every year Aaron's family goes up to the Snake River up by Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It is their family reunion spot. Every year, Aaron's uncle brings up his big raft and takes us all down the Snake River rapids. It sure has been fun.
We didn't go that last year of Aaron's life because Aaron Jr had just broken his arm a few days before. And Aaron Jr and I haven't been up there since then...
until this year.
This year, the river was too high and it was too dangerous to raft down, so we had to find other ways to have fun. We went to a couple of lakes and had fun around camp.
Here are some of our photos...

Aaron's Mom, Sue, walking with her oldest grandchild, Grace.

Aaron's brother, Steve, was trying to teach Aaron Jr how to ride a bike.
I have tried a few times, but Aaron Jr is super scared to try without someone holding onto him.
I hope he learns soon... he would have so much fun riding a bike.
Thanks Steve.

Aaron Jr playing horseshoes.

Steve and Christa brought their paddle board with them.
Aaron Jr and I got our first experience on a paddle board.
This photo is of Steve and Aaron Jr on the paddle board on this beautiful lake.

Steve and Aaron Jr.

Now for my first try...
I loved it!!!

Grandpa and Aaron Jr... fishing.

Steve, Isaac, Grandpa, and Aaron Jr... fishing.

And Aaron Jr... fishing. He's so cute.

Grandma on the paddle board.

This lake is just so beautiful. I couldn't get enough of the paddle board and being able to just float around that lake.

Yep.

I took Malia out for a ride. She is such a sweet girl.

Malia and Me.

Then I took Aaron Jr for a ride.

Aaron Jr and Me.

Nick and Sadie's family... fishing.

Grace, Pearl, Sophia. Sweet girls.

This scene was so beautiful. Aaron would have been right out there with Steve.

Christa with Malia and then Evan.

These kids decided to be a marching band. I love the creativity.

Malia, Isaac, Evan

Aaron's stick gun. And his very serious mean face.
(not so convincingly mean :)

In the corner... my perfectly roasted marshmallows. Then Aaron Jr enjoying a s'more that Sadie made for him.

Malia, Isaac, Aaron Jr at Jenny Lake.

Me with Aaron Jr on the paddle board for one more ride before we drove home.

Jenny Lake.

One last shot before getting in the car. It was a beautiful trip... a long drive, but a beautiful trip. We had fun. Thanks to Steve and Sue for everything.

Leslie and Aaron - July 2002
This was my first Snake River Trip with Aaron's family.
It was so much fun... one of my all time favorite adventures
with Aaron was taking this 4 man raft down the river.
It was so much fun.

* * *

Where I Want To Be... And Plan To Be

2011-08-06T03:40:00.013-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Pain stayed so long.
I said to him today, 'I will not have you with me anymore.'
I stamped my foot and said, 'Be on your way,'
and paused there, startled at the look he wore.
'I who have been your friend,' he said to me. 'I who have been your teacher - all you know of understanding, love, of sympathy, and patience,
I have taught you. Shall I go?'
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender, he left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song -
even for one who'd tortured me so long."

-Spencer W. Kimball

* * *

4th of July Weekend at the Cabin ~ 2011

2011-08-02T10:36:00.008-06:00

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We met John and Tawnie's family up at their family's cabin over the weekend of the 4th of July. It sure was a fun weekend. We were only planning to stay for two nights, but then none of us wanted to leave, so we stayed another night. We had a blast.

The first day Aaron Jr and I were there, we all took a drive up Mirror Lake Highway to go on a hike. When we got up on the highway, we were shocked that there was still this much snow on the 1st of July. Crazy. Here is a photo of most of the kids in front of a snowbank.

Mirror Lake is a lake I went to with Aaron right after we were married. We went in September and I remember seeing a little bit of snow when we were up there, but THIS was crazy. This is the entrance to even get to Mirror Lake. There was not getting to it this trip.

So we got a photo looking DOWN on Mirror Lake.
You can't tell in the photo, but the lake is still covered with ice.

This is Me with Aaron back in September 2002.
This was my first experience at Mirror Lake.
This is one of my favorite memories with Aaron.

Our names written in the wall of snow.
I know, I know... Its pretty radical, eh? Hahaha.

Two beautiful lakes we saw. See how ice covered Lilly Lake still is? The bottom one is called Trial Lake. We joked about how it was sure a trial to try to get to it with the snow covered roads. John and I walked the hundred yards or so in to even get a photo of this one. This is where we were PLANNING to do our hike this day, but nope... there was to be no hiking in the snow. We were not prepared for that.

Three words: ... I FOUND IT!

We must have been in silly moods, because when I told everyone what I was going to do with this photo, we all laughed for a long long time. Maybe they were all humoring me... OR...
it was just that funny. :)

Mom and Dad, and Robert and Teresa and Zach all drove up that night to spend the evening and then spend that night up there. I wish I had taken a photo with Robert and Teresa in it. They all left the next morning.

Aaron, Thomas, Sam, Jack, Emily, Zach, lil John They all helped gather wood and then made a fire.

Cute Leah.

Cute Aaron. Those blue eyes just amaze me.

Aaron and Jack. They sure had a good time together. Jack's blue eyes amaze me as well.

That next day, those of us who stayed the whole weekend all went to the 'horse pull' in Oakley. It sure was fun. We watched the lightweight division, middleweight division, and heavyweight division all pulling enormous amounts of weight on a sled thingy. It was AMAZING! Look at these horses digging down deep to pull this weight.

And this was the team that won the heavyweight division. They ended up pulling a total of 10,000 pounds. It was so brilliant.

Afterwards, we HAD to stop for ice cream at the Polar King. :)

Every time we drove back to the cabin from an outing, John would drive us up around a few of the other cabins. Deer and Moose like to lounge under people's decks. We found several deer under people's decks and a few moose as well. Here is one of those moose after I scared it out from under a deck. It was completely un-bothered by me. :)

The next day, we drove up to Smith and Morehouse Lake. It was gorgeous. The lighting was just perfect for some great photos.
Aaron got to walk Max for part of the walk.

John and all the boys: lil John, Thomas, Jack, Sam, Aaron, and Max

A rock being captured in mid air after Aaron threw it. Can you really go to any body of water without throwing rocks in? Nope.
Aaron showing off part of a geode that lil John found.

Family photo of John and Tawnie's family.

All the kids.

Me, Jack, Aaron, and Sam

Aaron and Me. The trees were gorgeous up there.

Aaron and Me.

I wish Aaron would smile. He looks so unhappy in this photo. :) HA!
Could he cheese it any bigger?

Now THIS one, he really does need to smile. He was in a bad mood for a few minutes.
Its SO easy to get Aaron into a good mood again though.

Cute kids.

John and Tawnie's family again. Cute family.
THANKS to John and Tawnie's family for such a fun and enJOYable time at the cabin. We had so much fun and can't wait until the next invite. (hint). :)
We love you.

And one more for good measure. He is going to be taller than me SOON. Help! He's only FIVE!

Here is a photo of the group who made it to Karey and Travis's barbeque the night of the 4th on our way home from the cabin. Dad and Mom, Robert, Nairn and Maria's family, John and Tawnie's family, us, and of course Travis and Karey's family.

Alison, Jack, Daniel, Thomas, and Aaron down by the pond.

The kids all ran onto the green of the golf course to have a race. The top ones are the fast ones, the bottom photo is of the little ones who got a late start. :) Or they are just slower. ;)

Aaron Jr running.
Savannah running with her dog Pepper.
I liked these action shots.

Now THOSE are perfectly roasted marshmallows.

Photos that I took of my Dad and Mom.
I thought these turned out really nice.
We sure have great parents. We love them.

THANKS to Travis and Karey for the fun night at your house!
We love you.

Us.

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

* * *

Lonely Much?

2011-07-31T13:57:00.008-06:00

* * * * * * * * *
So, I have figured something out. I have figured out that as long as I am keeping myself insanely busy (or at least the illusion of busy), then I do not have any time to feel overwhelmingly lonely.

And I have been very successful most of the time this year.

But then times come when I finally try to take some time to just be at home and try to relax a bit... and that is when the LONELY creeps in.

It sneaks in and catches me off guard every time.

And that is what happened to me last night...
and this was at the end of a very painful and difficult week for me.
Something happened last weekend that threw me right back into the deep end of my grief. I was feeling heart ache and pain again... and I felt like I was suffocating all over again.

I have been feeling so hopeless lately. Not just this week, but for a while now. Feeling like my faith and hope were like the seeds of a dandelion blowing away in the wind.

That night was painful and I turned to the scriptures. I knew that I was at a point that night where whatever I turned to was bound to inspire and uplift me in some way... or at least teach me something. I was feeling very teachable that night. So, I opened up to where I had a book mark and I started reading right in the middle of a chapter.

It was Moroni chapter 7. I started reading at the left column on verse 37. It was talking about faith and then as I read, it started talking about hope. Two things I have been lacking lately. As I continued to read, it started talking about CHARITY. Overall, I know what charity is. We learn from our youth that 'charity is the pure love of Christ' (Moroni 7:47). But as I read these verses, I was reading them differently.

Verse 45 really hit me hard that night:
'And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.'

As I read this verse, I realized that I wanted to start studying more about charity. Now my goal in life, first and foremost, is going to be CHARITY. The verse appears to be pretty straight forward, but reading it that night taught me that I didn't know anything about charity at all. I decided I wanted to dissect that verse and study it so that I can better understand charity and know even better what kind of person I want to be.

I have spent this week trying to get back to the top so I can breathe again.

I actually have done better as the week progressed. As I talked to a sister of mine about my week, talking about things helped me to remember a dream I had a few months ago. A dream that was significant and very special to me. As I was reminded of that dream, it helped to put to rest AGAIN what had thrown me for a loop the weekend before. And that helped so much. I wish I could share my dream, but at this time, it is too personal to share. It does have to do with Aaron though. It was a tender mercy for me to have that dream.

But then, even though I was feeling a bit better, after a long week, I wanted to relax last night and be at home for the evening... and it may have been because I was already emotional drained from a tough week, but the walls started to feel like they were closing in. I was again feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin and wasn't sure how to handle it.

I hesitate to even write about my heartache anymore on here. I sometimes wonder if there are people out there who read my blog who would ever start to think that I am dwelling too long. But last night, I decided that it doesn't matter. I have done a lot of healing... but that doesn't mean I don't still have real feelings and emotion. I don't feel like I am not dwelling.
After Aaron passed away, when I began writing my thoughts and feelings, it was so therapeutic and I know that I still have thoughts and feelings that I need to work through... so I will be writing my thoughts and feelings more often again. I still need it. I really need it.

Anyway, eventually a dear friend (also a widow) called last night and as we talked about things, I began feeling less lonely and as we talked, the Spirit touched my heart.

I felt a little better. And I am grateful.

There is so much that has been going through my mind this past week, it would take too long to write about today... but I have more to share on the subject... and I will write again about it when I have time.

Plus, I want to share what I learn as I begin picking apart that verse about charity... and I will be writing my thoughts and feelings about what I learn.

* * *