Snake River Trip ~ 2011

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Every year Aaron's family goes up to the Snake River up by Jackson Hole, Wyoming. It is their family reunion spot. Every year, Aaron's uncle brings up his big raft and takes us all down the Snake River rapids. It sure has been fun.
We didn't go that last year of Aaron's life because Aaron Jr had just broken his arm a few days before. And Aaron Jr and I haven't been up there since then...
until this year.
This year, the river was too high and it was too dangerous to raft down, so we had to find other ways to have fun. We went to a couple of lakes and had fun around camp.
Here are some of our photos...

Aaron's Mom, Sue, walking with her oldest grandchild, Grace.

Aaron's brother, Steve, was trying to teach Aaron Jr how to ride a bike.
I have tried a few times, but Aaron Jr is super scared to try without someone holding onto him.
I hope he learns soon... he would have so much fun riding a bike.
Thanks Steve.

Aaron Jr playing horseshoes.

Steve and Christa brought their paddle board with them.
Aaron Jr and I got our first experience on a paddle board.
This photo is of Steve and Aaron Jr on the paddle board on this beautiful lake.

Steve and Aaron Jr.

Now for my first try...
I loved it!!!

Grandpa and Aaron Jr... fishing.

Steve, Isaac, Grandpa, and Aaron Jr... fishing.

And Aaron Jr... fishing. He's so cute.

Grandma on the paddle board.

This lake is just so beautiful. I couldn't get enough of the paddle board and being able to just float around that lake.

Yep.

I took Malia out for a ride. She is such a sweet girl.

Malia and Me.

Then I took Aaron Jr for a ride.

Aaron Jr and Me.

Nick and Sadie's family... fishing.

Grace, Pearl, Sophia. Sweet girls.

This scene was so beautiful. Aaron would have been right out there with Steve.

Christa with Malia and then Evan.

These kids decided to be a marching band. I love the creativity.

Malia, Isaac, Evan

Aaron's stick gun. And his very serious mean face.
(not so convincingly mean :)

In the corner... my perfectly roasted marshmallows. Then Aaron Jr enjoying a s'more that Sadie made for him.

Malia, Isaac, Aaron Jr at Jenny Lake.

Me with Aaron Jr on the paddle board for one more ride before we drove home.

Jenny Lake.

One last shot before getting in the car. It was a beautiful trip... a long drive, but a beautiful trip. We had fun. Thanks to Steve and Sue for everything.

Leslie and Aaron - July 2002
This was my first Snake River Trip with Aaron's family.
It was so much fun... one of my all time favorite adventures
with Aaron was taking this 4 man raft down the river.
It was so much fun.

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Where I Want To Be... And Plan To Be

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"Pain stayed so long.
I said to him today, 'I will not have you with me anymore.'
I stamped my foot and said, 'Be on your way,'
and paused there, startled at the look he wore.
'I who have been your friend,' he said to me. 'I who have been your teacher - all you know of understanding, love, of sympathy, and patience,
I have taught you. Shall I go?'
He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender, he left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dried my tears, and lifted up a song -
even for one who'd tortured me so long."

-Spencer W. Kimball

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4th of July Weekend at the Cabin ~ 2011

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We met John and Tawnie's family up at their family's cabin over the weekend of the 4th of July. It sure was a fun weekend. We were only planning to stay for two nights, but then none of us wanted to leave, so we stayed another night. We had a blast.

The first day Aaron Jr and I were there, we all took a drive up Mirror Lake Highway to go on a hike. When we got up on the highway, we were shocked that there was still this much snow on the 1st of July. Crazy. Here is a photo of most of the kids in front of a snowbank.

Mirror Lake is a lake I went to with Aaron right after we were married. We went in September and I remember seeing a little bit of snow when we were up there, but THIS was crazy. This is the entrance to even get to Mirror Lake. There was not getting to it this trip.

So we got a photo looking DOWN on Mirror Lake.
You can't tell in the photo, but the lake is still covered with ice.

This is Me with Aaron back in September 2002.
This was my first experience at Mirror Lake.
This is one of my favorite memories with Aaron.

Our names written in the wall of snow.
I know, I know... Its pretty radical, eh? Hahaha.

Two beautiful lakes we saw. See how ice covered Lilly Lake still is? The bottom one is called Trial Lake. We joked about how it was sure a trial to try to get to it with the snow covered roads. John and I walked the hundred yards or so in to even get a photo of this one. This is where we were PLANNING to do our hike this day, but nope... there was to be no hiking in the snow. We were not prepared for that.

Three words: ... I FOUND IT!

We must have been in silly moods, because when I told everyone what I was going to do with this photo, we all laughed for a long long time. Maybe they were all humoring me... OR...
it was just that funny. :)

Mom and Dad, and Robert and Teresa and Zach all drove up that night to spend the evening and then spend that night up there. I wish I had taken a photo with Robert and Teresa in it. They all left the next morning.

Aaron, Thomas, Sam, Jack, Emily, Zach, lil John They all helped gather wood and then made a fire.

Cute Leah.

Cute Aaron. Those blue eyes just amaze me.

Aaron and Jack. They sure had a good time together. Jack's blue eyes amaze me as well.

That next day, those of us who stayed the whole weekend all went to the 'horse pull' in Oakley. It sure was fun. We watched the lightweight division, middleweight division, and heavyweight division all pulling enormous amounts of weight on a sled thingy. It was AMAZING! Look at these horses digging down deep to pull this weight.

And this was the team that won the heavyweight division. They ended up pulling a total of 10,000 pounds. It was so brilliant.

Afterwards, we HAD to stop for ice cream at the Polar King. :)

Every time we drove back to the cabin from an outing, John would drive us up around a few of the other cabins. Deer and Moose like to lounge under people's decks. We found several deer under people's decks and a few moose as well. Here is one of those moose after I scared it out from under a deck. It was completely un-bothered by me. :)

The next day, we drove up to Smith and Morehouse Lake. It was gorgeous. The lighting was just perfect for some great photos.
Aaron got to walk Max for part of the walk.

John and all the boys: lil John, Thomas, Jack, Sam, Aaron, and Max

A rock being captured in mid air after Aaron threw it. Can you really go to any body of water without throwing rocks in? Nope.
Aaron showing off part of a geode that lil John found.

Family photo of John and Tawnie's family.

All the kids.

Me, Jack, Aaron, and Sam

Aaron and Me. The trees were gorgeous up there.

Aaron and Me.

I wish Aaron would smile. He looks so unhappy in this photo. :) HA!
Could he cheese it any bigger?

Now THIS one, he really does need to smile. He was in a bad mood for a few minutes.
Its SO easy to get Aaron into a good mood again though.

Cute kids.

John and Tawnie's family again. Cute family.
THANKS to John and Tawnie's family for such a fun and enJOYable time at the cabin. We had so much fun and can't wait until the next invite. (hint). :)
We love you.

And one more for good measure. He is going to be taller than me SOON. Help! He's only FIVE!

Here is a photo of the group who made it to Karey and Travis's barbeque the night of the 4th on our way home from the cabin. Dad and Mom, Robert, Nairn and Maria's family, John and Tawnie's family, us, and of course Travis and Karey's family.

Alison, Jack, Daniel, Thomas, and Aaron down by the pond.

The kids all ran onto the green of the golf course to have a race. The top ones are the fast ones, the bottom photo is of the little ones who got a late start. :) Or they are just slower. ;)

Aaron Jr running.
Savannah running with her dog Pepper.
I liked these action shots.

Now THOSE are perfectly roasted marshmallows.

Photos that I took of my Dad and Mom.
I thought these turned out really nice.
We sure have great parents. We love them.

THANKS to Travis and Karey for the fun night at your house!
We love you.

Us.

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

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Lonely Much?

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So, I have figured something out. I have figured out that as long as I am keeping myself insanely busy (or at least the illusion of busy), then I do not have any time to feel overwhelmingly lonely.

And I have been very successful most of the time this year.

But then times come when I finally try to take some time to just be at home and try to relax a bit... and that is when the LONELY creeps in.

It sneaks in and catches me off guard every time.

And that is what happened to me last night...
and this was at the end of a very painful and difficult week for me.
Something happened last weekend that threw me right back into the deep end of my grief. I was feeling heart ache and pain again... and I felt like I was suffocating all over again.

I have been feeling so hopeless lately. Not just this week, but for a while now. Feeling like my faith and hope were like the seeds of a dandelion blowing away in the wind.

That night was painful and I turned to the scriptures. I knew that I was at a point that night where whatever I turned to was bound to inspire and uplift me in some way... or at least teach me something. I was feeling very teachable that night. So, I opened up to where I had a book mark and I started reading right in the middle of a chapter.

It was Moroni chapter 7. I started reading at the left column on verse 37. It was talking about faith and then as I read, it started talking about hope. Two things I have been lacking lately. As I continued to read, it started talking about CHARITY. Overall, I know what charity is. We learn from our youth that 'charity is the pure love of Christ' (Moroni 7:47). But as I read these verses, I was reading them differently.

Verse 45 really hit me hard that night:
'And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.'

As I read this verse, I realized that I wanted to start studying more about charity. Now my goal in life, first and foremost, is going to be CHARITY. The verse appears to be pretty straight forward, but reading it that night taught me that I didn't know anything about charity at all. I decided I wanted to dissect that verse and study it so that I can better understand charity and know even better what kind of person I want to be.

I have spent this week trying to get back to the top so I can breathe again.

I actually have done better as the week progressed. As I talked to a sister of mine about my week, talking about things helped me to remember a dream I had a few months ago. A dream that was significant and very special to me. As I was reminded of that dream, it helped to put to rest AGAIN what had thrown me for a loop the weekend before. And that helped so much. I wish I could share my dream, but at this time, it is too personal to share. It does have to do with Aaron though. It was a tender mercy for me to have that dream.

But then, even though I was feeling a bit better, after a long week, I wanted to relax last night and be at home for the evening... and it may have been because I was already emotional drained from a tough week, but the walls started to feel like they were closing in. I was again feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin and wasn't sure how to handle it.

I hesitate to even write about my heartache anymore on here. I sometimes wonder if there are people out there who read my blog who would ever start to think that I am dwelling too long. But last night, I decided that it doesn't matter. I have done a lot of healing... but that doesn't mean I don't still have real feelings and emotion. I don't feel like I am not dwelling.
After Aaron passed away, when I began writing my thoughts and feelings, it was so therapeutic and I know that I still have thoughts and feelings that I need to work through... so I will be writing my thoughts and feelings more often again. I still need it. I really need it.

Anyway, eventually a dear friend (also a widow) called last night and as we talked about things, I began feeling less lonely and as we talked, the Spirit touched my heart.

I felt a little better. And I am grateful.

There is so much that has been going through my mind this past week, it would take too long to write about today... but I have more to share on the subject... and I will write again about it when I have time.

Plus, I want to share what I learn as I begin picking apart that verse about charity... and I will be writing my thoughts and feelings about what I learn.

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