Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
Aaron Sverre Harkness
March 29, 1977 - November 29, 2007
December 4, 2007 - This day should have been one that gave me a sense of closure, but it didn't.
It just didn't feel like I was really there. It felt like a day that I needed to just get through in order to get back to normal life... in order for life to continue the way it was supposed to... with Aaron. How could this possibly be my life now... living it without Aaron.
How could we live without him? How do I help Aaron Jr understand why his Daddy isn't here anymore? We miss him.
How do I teach him the things that his Daddy would have taught him? How do I watch him in his accomplishments throughout his life without his Daddy by my side watching with me? There is a hole in our hearts that won't be filled until we are together again.
Our wedding rings... reminders that we are sealed for eternity.
Our little cowboy...
Sending our hearts to heaven...
Forever a Family
There are still so many regrets, so many wishes I have as I think about the last moments of Aaron's life. There are so many things left unsaid... and things left undone. As I sit and talk to him before I go to sleep each night... I tell him over and over the things I wish I could go back and say. I pray every night that he can hear me... that I can feel him near me... that he can somehow tell me that he loves me. In reality, all I have to do is think back on our time together and remember all of the times he told me he loves me... all of the ways he served me... all of the experiences we shared together. All of those should tell me that he loves me. So, why is it that I feel such a need to hear it from him just one more time? Maybe it was because he was taken so suddenly. With no preparation. So many moments stolen. The final moments that we spent together... they could have been so much better if we had only known what was to come.
But we didn't know what was to come... so why didn't I kiss him one more time? Why didn't I tell him one more time how much I love him? Why didn't I tell him everything that I feel in my heart? I can only pray now... that he knows. I can only pray that our loving Father in Heaven allows Aaron to see into my heart so that he knows the love I have for him.
I still haven't been able to write down my feelings from that day. I feel them. Those feelings are as real now as they were that day. I still feel the devastation and the fear I felt. It was hard to even breathe. I still feel the horror I felt as I lived my own personal nightmare... a nightmare that I would never wake up from. A nightmare that was more horrifying than anything I had ever imagined myself living through. My heart hurt as it does now. I feel now as I felt then... broken.
I pray for peace. I pray for comfort. I do feel it at times. I know that our Savior, Jesus Christ, will heal me. I know that if I allow Him to... He will take my burden upon Himself. I am trying to let Him... pieces at a time. Part of me wants the burden... just until I am with Aaron again. But I know that our purpose here isn't only to suffer. Our purpose here is to learn and grow from our suffering and to submit ourselves to the Lord so that He can lead us home again. He is waiting for us to come to Him so that He can heal us and give us the strength that we need to overcome all of our weaknesses and all of our sufferings. Our purpose here is to show Him that we have faith. Faith in Him. Faith in His promises.
* This word kept going through my mind last night as I typed this... and now after reading a couple of people's comments, I decided I must add it in since it was on my mind. It is just that I haven't found this yet since Aaron passed away... our purpose here is to find joy. True and lasting JOY.
I love Aaron... with all of my heart. I truly know that we will be together again someday... if I do my part. This knowledge is what brings me the peace and the comfort I need to be able to press forward. And I will press forward... WE will press forward.
I love you Aaron... Always...
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