Hello, Dear Friend...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I have been needing an outlet lately, someone or something to tell my thoughts and feelings to as of late and I have just been keeping them bottled up mostly... and then I realized it had been a very long time since I have turned to my blog. There have been times in these past few years when writing on my blog was the most therapeutic thing I could think to do... so I guess you could say my blog has felt like a dear friend to me. And I had forgotten that this dear friend is always willing to listen and let me clear my thoughts and feelings through writing on it.

Who knows if this will make any sense... its late and I am tired and my thoughts are going a million miles an hour and jumping all over the place in my mind, but here goes...

I cannot even express how busy life has been. I have been getting way behind on my blog... well, behind more than I usually do anyway. Between preparing the photo blocks that I have been creating, spending time with family, fulfilling my calling in church once a month, compiling our extended family newsletter, hanging out with friends once in a while, and trying to spend more quality time with Aaron Jr, my blog has been taking a back seat... and it stresses me out because it is on my mind so often that I need to get caught up.

I think its a good thing that I am so busy, but at the same time, it makes it so I feel like I am going through life right now in a bit of a haze and trying to stay busy mostly because the alternative would be bringing me back to somewhere I should not be.

I finished our extended family newsletter today after working on it for the past week in a lot of what would be 'spare time'. Once I got it done, I laid down on the couch where Aaron Jr was watching a TV show. I laid there trying to close my tired and strained eyes and trying to quiet my brain and to just relax. Then my mind zeroed in on how busy I feel lately and how I wish life would slow down a bit. Then my mind went to a time in my life when I didn't have so many demands on my time.

...It was back in those first couple of years after Aaron passed away. When we still lived in our beautiful home and when I was a mom to a 2 then 3 year old little boy. It was a time when I still had the stresses of finances, but mostly I was focused on being a single mom and the grieving process I was right in the thick of. I look back on those first couple of years and can remember times when Aaron Jr and I would not leave our home for days... times when I would not even change my own clothes for days... sometimes only leaving our home to run to the nearest gas station to get some milk and rent a few more movies at the redbox there. I would put a movie in for Aaron Jr on one TV, then I would watch another movie on the other TV.

During the summer months when the weather was nice, I would venture out and take Aaron Jr and Ode for a walk to the park and I would push Aaron on the swing for a while, then we would go home and do the same routine again. Movies, TV, movies, TV, eat, sleep, cry, etc. I wish I had a count of how many movies I watched during those first couple of years because it was my escape. It was how I chose to cope during some very dark and lonely days and nights. Sometimes it would get so lonely, we would get in the car and just drive to the closest grocery store at 10 or 11 at night just to be around people. We didn't know anyone, but at least it made me feel like the world was still turning.

These are some of the thoughts that went through my mind today as I laid there trying to relax... then I thought about how drastically different those first couple of years of grieving were compared to this past year and a half. I still miss Aaron every moment of every day, I am still very lonely, I still feel heart broken and just broken in general... but I am realizing that keeping myself busy and occupied with productive things is helping me to feel like I am a part of the world instead of like I am separated from the world.

I wish I could make my thoughts make sense in written form, but they are so jumbled in my mind.

To be completely honest with myself, I will say that keeping myself busy in these ways has actually begun to make me feel numb again because I rarely have been allowing myself to sit and just think. If there is a free moment, I busy myself with this or that, productive or not. I cannot say how long it has been since I have allowed myself to cry. These past few months, I have been pushing most emotions away unless it is a happy emotion or basically any other emotion other than grief. I think I am partly staying so busy as a way to avoid my feelings instead of coping with the things I am meant to be feeling. Who even knows? :)

Yes, it has been three and a half years since Aaron passed away. Yes, I have healed some. Yes, I am in a better place now than in those first months of grieving. But I still can't figure out or logically come to a conclusion about when I will begin to feel like a normal person again. I know that I am still living as though I am waiting around for something. I don't even allow myself to make certain plans in life because it is just Aaron Jr and me... and there are things I don't want to do until our family feels more complete again. I am living in limbo. I feel like I am pretending most days... pretending that life is normal, but then I get a reality check probably about 33 times a day that life is anything but normal. All I have to do is see a family together, or hear someone talk about what they are going to make for dinner before their husband gets home from work... the simplest little comments from others about their normal life brings on the reality check so many times a day.

I don't know how to move past this mental block and live life the way it is now instead of waiting for something great to happen. I don't know how to do it. And no matter how often I try to talk myself into moving forward and live life AS IT IS... my heart and mind are constantly, CONSTANTLY telling me that this is not as life SHOULD BE. And my heart and mind are right.

I guess basically my thoughts are that I keep thinking I am doing better because I am keeping busy... but when it comes right down to it... I still have a long way to go. I wish I knew how long that will be.

Then after all is said and done, after writing all of this out and getting my bottled up feelings out, I begin to feel very ungrateful because my life is nowhere near as difficult as some people's. So, I think I need to share a few things that I am grateful for...

I am grateful for a son who continues to make me laugh through life. I love Him.

I am grateful for Jesus Christ who knows the pain in the deepest corners of my heart because He has felt it and bourne it for me. I love Him.

I am grateful for our needs being met... miraculously at times.

I am grateful for a family who will always be right here when I need them and sometimes even when I think I don't need them. I love them.

I am grateful for Heavenly Father who loves me and hopes for my happiness even more than I do... I am His daughter and that knowledge helps me to get through some of the darkest moments of my darkest days. I love Him.

* * *

Locks of Love... Take Three!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This is the third time since Aaron Jr was born that I have cut off my long hair to donate to Locks of Love.
I am not sure if it will happen again... not sure if I will ever have the patience again to let it grow through that dreaded awkward stage between short and long. We will see though. We will see.
But for now... I am having fun with it again.

P.S. When Aaron Jr saw my hair this time, he said he wanted it like it was, so I asked how I should do that... he said I should wait for it to grow or tape it on or glue it on. :)

* * *

May Days

* * * * * * *

Aaron Jr taking a turn...

Yee Haw!

Our make shift swimming pool, the bath tub. Stella and Aaron Jr.

My nephew David in one of his soccer games.

Bleeding Hearts flowers in my sisters front yard. SO beautiful.

The grandkids on the Harkness side.

My brother Mark at a concert he sang in.

Evelyn, Greta, Aaron Jr. We babysat Mark and Suzy's girls one night and Aaron Jr loved it. Greta cried every time Aaron left the room. These girls love him and he really loves them. Aaron loves babies and wants to have a baby brother or sister so badly.

I got a couple of phonecalls one morning last month from some friends. Chandra and Tamara, they are sisters. They were calling me to see if I would be willing to shoot some last minute engagement photos of their brother and his fiance. Their wedding was only three weeks away and they didn't have their invitations out because they still needed a photo. I wanted so badly to tell them no, but they were in a bind and I wanted to do a favor for my friends. I had anxiety about it all day and I told Tamara she needed to come along to help me with logistics. :) We took the photos on the grounds of the Bountiful Temple and I think they turned out pretty good. It was raining all day and the umbrella made the shots really fun. The tulips were out in full force and were gorgeous. Below are some of my favorites from the photo shoot.

After we were done, Aaron Jr and I took a walk around the temple and he had fun posing for me...

i LOVE him!

* * *

Fathers Day / Mothers Day

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I don't remember right now if I ever did a posting for Mothers Day this year...
but now that it is Fathers Day, I wanted to share a couple of things.

These are two links to what my sister wrote about my parents this year for the two holidays. Not that I couldn't write amazing things about them as well, but my sister is a writer and puts things way more beautifully than I could. So, I am sharing these links so that people can know how amazing my parents are.
Thanks Karey... I am sharing your words.


About My Dad

About My Mom


I love you Dad and Mom. Thank you for being so amazing!
We are all so blessed that you are ours.

* * *

Memorial Day ~ 2011

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We started the day out REALLY early in the morning and went with some of my family members to the cemetery where my great Grandparents are laid to rest. These are their headstones.
It is a little town called Far West.

This is the group who went to that cemetery. After we left there, we all went out to breakfast together at a little mom and pop diner. It was YUMMY!

Can you tell that Aaron Jr was still tired? Ha!
We all were...

This is the HATCH marker for all of our Hatch relatives that are there in that cemetery. Anna, Zach, Caroline, Kristina, Julia, Aaron Jr.

Next we went to the Bountiful Cemetery to remember my brother Bruce. This is the group who was there at that cemetery. He is laid to rest in Missouri, so when we moved to Utah, it was sad not to be able to visit his gravesite as often. We always go and visit his site when we are on vacation anywhere close to there, but my parents wanted a place here in Utah to be able to go and remember him. So, here it is...

Oh yeah, Aaron Jr. fell asleep before we got to this one.

Me parents at their headstone... that also includes the memorial on the front to my brother Bruce. It was SO nice to be able to put flowers somewhere for him We miss him and love him.

Next we went to the Salt Lake Cemetery to remember Aaron. This is the group who was there. Other families of mine went there throughout the day after we were there and I am so grateful to everyone who helps to remember Aaron with us.

Aaron Jr. and Me... at Aaron's headstone.
We love and miss him so much... every moment.

On the drive home from the Salt Lake Cemetery, my parents were kind enough to stop several times when I wanted to stop for a photo op. Here are some photos of Salt Lake City that I got that day.

The Salt Lake Temple is there kind of in the center... it looks so small next to those tall buildings.

The Salt Lake Temple with the Tabernacle.

The Utah Capitol Building from behind looking down State Street and out over the Salt Lake Valley.

Capitol Building.

Capitol Building.

Sorry, I just loved all of these...

The sun shine hit the Capitol building...

And from the front. The Utah State Capitol Building.

The Mormon Battalion Memorial at the Capitol Building.

* * *

Surprise Remodel

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Last year, when my parents went out of town, Lisa and I painted their laundry room for them as a surprise. Lisa's husband John came to help later in the day because we were not going to be finished by the time they got home. At first we were going to go more conservative and when we began painting, we hated the color. It was a VERY pale green and it ended up looking like the wall was dirty instead of painted. So, I went back to the store and Lisa stayed with the kids and was on the computer looking at paint colors to help me pick out a new color. She picked the color above. I kept telling her that it is pretty bright and she kept saying that it wasn't and that she was sure it would be great. (FYI: don't pick paint colors according to the online colors, they look WAY different on the computer :)

Anyhow, I got back to my parents with this color and when Lisa saw it, she just screamed 'NO!'. :) We had a good laugh and started painting. We were shocked, but kept going hoping we would love it once it was done.

And we did love it the further along we got. We love it and our parents LOVE it.

Funny story to go along with it: I told the story in the middle of a posting I did last year, so I will put a link for that posting HERE. It is a pretty funny story, an experience that I hope to never have happen again.

That was last year...

So, my parents were going out of town again and I got the family here at home involved to paint their living room and entry way. They have wanted their house painted for a long time, but have had a hard time agreeing on colors. So when they finally agreed on a couple of colors, we ran with it and surprised them when they got home from their trip. This is the trip they took to Missouri and were there with some of our Uncles and Aunts when the Joplin tornado hit. So we were very grateful to get them all home safely. :)

These two photos are 'before' photos...

And here is the finished product. Richard put in a lot of work to do the chair rail around the room so that we could do two colors and have a more finished looking room. It looks so great.
They colors are a greenish color on the bottom and a light yellow on top. It looks so different throughout the day as the light in the room changes.

Our parents LOVE it.

Us gals who were here helping.

The guys who were here helping.

We missed Spencer and Kristi, of course. They always wish they lived closer when we do these projects. Thanks to those spouses who helped by keeping kids at home. :)

Thanks for everyone's help! Sorry to have ideas that put you all to work, but we all work so great together to accomplish great things. :)

* * *

Putting My Hobby to Work

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I used to do a lot of embroidery and then I would sell the things I made at Secret Haven (Aaron's Mom's boutique) up in Fruit Heights, Utah, and also at other seasonal boutiques. I loved to stitch and then frame it or sew it into a pillow. It was nice to be able to sell the things that I made with my hands. I made hundreds of pillows / framed embroideries in the few years I was making and selling them. Here are some samples of some of the things I designed and stitched.

These are some of the ones that I kept for myself.

Aaron made me a few frames like this so that I could decorate with some of my embroideries. I switch them out for different seasons. Here are some examples...

I designed the Young Women's values one before they added the value 'virtue'. I guess I need to do another one.

I have also made pillows for all of my nieces and nephews and some of my friend's new babies with their names on them.
Since Aaron passed away, I haven't stitched pillows to sell, I only make the ones for the new babies. I started doing it right after Aaron and i got married and enjoyed stitching while he and I watched TV together. But since he passed away, I just haven't been able to enjoy it like I did back then.
Anyhow, here are the latest ones that I did for the newest nieces and nephews and one friend.

As you can see, I just BARELY got around to making one for Aaron Jr. It only took a little more than 5 years. :) He loves it though.

I wish these photos showed how cute the colors of the fabric are. They look dull in these photos, but they are bright and beautiful.

Putting My Hobby to Work

After Aaron passed away, I began making and selling some of my photos as photo cards at Secret Haven. They sell pretty good, but they are an inexpensive item that doesn't bring in much money. So, I have been wanting to do something more with my photos so that I can make money while having fun with my hobby. I have finally started doing just that...

I have been making these blocks with my photos on them... and I have been selling them.
I have been really excited about it.
It still isn't bringing in that much money, but it has been really helpful in the financial department. What does get brought in is a huge blessing and I am loving putting my hobby to work.

I have almost sold out of my first batch of them, so here is my second batch after getting them all painted and ready to start putting the photos on them...

And here are some of them ready to be wrapped in a ribbon and be taken to the boutique to sell.

I have also started making enlargement prints of a couple of my photos and framing them myself. I have started selling them at the boutique and I hope they sell fast so that I can keep doing it.

I found this frame at a thrift store and loved it, so I framed one for me and it is now hanging on my wall. It is a little bigger than a 16x20.

I am enjoying my hobby more and more as I find ways to be able to sell the fruits of my hobby and my labors. I have been trying to figure out what I can do to be able to still stay at home with Aaron Jr while doing something at home to help make ends meet... and I am hoping this newest venture pans out for us. I am having fun with it.
And...so far, so good.

My next venture is to begin trying to sell prints of my photos and my photo cards online from my photo blog: Pure and Simple Beauty.

We will see how it goes...

but this is what I have been up to a lot lately.

* * *