Hand In Hand

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Walk hand in hand with me through all eternity
Have faith, believe in me, give me your hand
Love is a symphony of perfect harmony
When lovers such as we walk hand in hand

Be not afraid, for I am with you all the while
So lift your head up high and look toward the sky

Walk hand in hand with me, this is our destiny
No greater love could be, walk hand in hand
Walk with me

Be not afraid, for I am with you all the while
So lift your head up high and look up to the sky

Walk hand in hand with me, this is our destiny
No greater love could be, walk hand in hand
Walk with me
-Andy Williams song



These are photos from our wedding day. Now... treasured more than ever.
I wanted to write in here last week because I thought it would be a good idea to post something during a time when I was feeling some comfort... and not only post when I am feeling down.
I also wanted to thank all of those people... family, friends, and strangers alike... who have written words of love and comfort to me and Aaron Jr. I have found comfort in knowing people are thinking about us and remembering Aaron. So, thank you for the kindness that has been shown to us. We are so grateful.

Last week, I seemed to have somewhat better days, but the nights were still long and difficult.
Well, the time came and went and I never got around to posting...
So, now here I sit at 3:15 a.m. and the last few days have been so painful. I am missing Aaron so much. I miss the safety I felt knowing he would love and protect me.

Losing my husband, Aaron, has been so difficult. Knowing that he was supposed to walk by my side throughout this life and into eternity... it is so painful not having him here to hold my hand and walk by my side. He is the one I was supposed to look to my future with... have more children with... have joys and sorrows with... prepare meals for... wash laundry for... clean up after... enjoy seeing every day for the rest of our lives. But it was cut so short. I now watch with envy those people in my life who still get to welcome their spouse home each day after a long day at work... who get to watch their husband play with their kids... who get to lay down next to them at night. I dream about that. Please don't take those things for granted.

I have started reflecting again about an earlier posting that I wrote in my blog last month. The one where I talked about 'trivial' matters. When speaking of Aaron, I wrote, "Oh the abundance of joyous days we could have had together if we had both just dismissed the trivial things that filled our days and replaced them with the more important things in life."

Well, in the last month or so, there have been some things happen that have caused me to think about the way I look at life and the trivial matters that waste our time and energy. I realize now that that statement applies not only to my days that I spent with Aaron, but it also applies to my time now spent with Aaron Jr... and also the way I treat others. I am learning more and more that there is no reason to waste my time or energy on petty or 'trivial' matters... and just make sure that I am showing love and concern for other people. I am learning that too much time and energy is wasted when we choose to see the negative in other people instead of trying to put ourselves in their shoes and being sympathetic to what they may be experiencing in their lives. No one knows what pain I am experiencing and what I feel, just as I don't know what others are feeling.
I still have regrets about things I wish I could say to Aaron or do for him before he passed away... but I believe that he knows now. He has a better perspective than I can even imagine now. He knows how I feel about him. I tell him every night.
I realize now that it is the people that are still right here in front of us that are the ones we should be putting our energy into helping and showing kindness to. Life is too short and too precious to be wasted on 'trivial' matters. There is too much pain in my life from losing Aaron to spend my energy worrying about what people think of me... or don't think of me. I don't need that in my life. Those kinds of relationships aren't going to bring about peace and comfort in this nightmare I am living. I have found that when you are in pain, you need to surround yourself with loving people who truly care about you.
I will spend my time and energy showing kindness to others, loving our son, and missing my husband.

I love you Aaron...

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