Well, it is really late and I am getting ready to go to bed. Tonight, I felt like I was in a movie. You know the movies where there is a girl who is lonely or feeling sad about something, so she goes out and rents a movie (or three) and gets Chinese take out? Well... I was that girl tonight. Luckily, I had Aaron Jr. to dine with me and to fall asleep while watching the movies with me. He was great company. As I carried Aaron Jr. AND the Chinese take out from the restaurant, the thought went through my head about how cliche this all felt.
As I finished the second movie, I was getting ready to go to bed, but wanted to look at my blog one more time so I could see some photos of Aaron. Well, needless to say, I didn't get to bed very early because the flood of emotions were back all at once. As I looked through the photos, I couldn't help but feel like something was just so wrong. I have talked before about how this doesn't feel real yet... but lately, it doesn't just feel unreal... it feels like there is just something completely wrong about the whole situation. Things just don't feel right anymore. Life is scary without Aaron. When I try to think about my future, it is hard to imagine living it without Aaron. I know that I am living it right now and it is going on, but I still feel so numb to the reality of everything. As time goes on, Aaron's absence is becoming more and more noticeable in just the everyday things. So far, I have been able to convince myself throughout the day that Aaron is just at work and as the evening approaches, Aaron Jr and I will head home to meet him there for dinner after his long hard day. Each time Aaron Jr says a new word or phrase or does something so sweet or so cute... I think about calling Aaron to tell him about it. When I think about the little things that I am missing out on because he is not here, I feel like the wind is being knocked out of me over and over again. Just the normal conversations between husband and wife... I will watch couples talking about normal everyday things and I will remember conversations like that with Aaron and I will have a strong desire to go back to that point in time and cherish the insignificant conversation. Something as insignificant as him asking me if I know where something is... or asking me if I can bring him a drink of water... or him telling me something that happened at work that day. I took these exchanges for granted.
I want to walk into the bedroom and see his pile of clothes that he wore the day before sitting on the floor next to the bed. I never minded having to pick them up and put them in the hamper that was only a few feet away.
I want to walk into the kitchen after he has made himself something to eat and see almost every single pot and pan dirty on the stove because he has used them all.
I want to see his dirty socks on the counter because he didn't want to get my clean floor dirty by walking through the kitchen wearing them.
I want to put my hands into the pockets of his jeans to make sure they are empty before washing them and feel a hand full of sawdust in the bottom of the pocket. It always got stuck in my fingernails, but I have to smile about it now.
I want to go to clean his bathroom sink and look down and find his whiskers all over in the sink and on the counter... probably from days before.
I want him to be snoring next to me in bed... or tossing and turning because he can't find a comfortable position.
I want him to hold me while we fall asleep tonight.
I want to be watching TV with him and see something amusing and look at him to see if he found it as amusing as I did.
I want to say something that I think is so clever and ask him if he thought it was clever. When he DID laugh at my jokes, I always felt a sense of accomplishment.
I want to use the baseball mitts that he bought for all of us for Christmas, but that we never used together.
I want to watch him wakeboard just one more time.
I want to go horseback riding with him just one more time.
I want to hold his hand just one more time.
I want to study his face and memorize everything all over again.
I want one more kiss and one more hug.
One more moment.
One more 'I love you'.
I guess I am having a difficult night... it feels so good to cry though. I try to sugarcoat my feelings sometimes for the benefit of others, but tonight... I just couldn't. I am having a hard time.
They didn't give me any fortune cookies tonight with my dinner, but I have some sitting right here on the desk that I got a week or so ago when I ate dinner with John and Tawnie (my brother and sister in law).
One says 'Your sense of humor allows you to glide through difficult times.'
The other one says 'He who has hope, has everything.' -Confucious
I do have hope. I have hope that I WILL get to have all of these experiences that I am missing out on... with Aaron. I have hope in Jesus Christ. He is my rock in all of this and I am grateful for Him.
Well, on a lighter note, I guess I will post a few photos from the last couple of weeks...
This is the last day we were in Oregon visiting Spencer, Kristi, Spencer, Luke, and Benjamin.
At the park with my sister Lisa and her kids: Caroline, Hannah, Elise, Stella, and Angus.
Aaron Jr. before haircut...
Aaron Jr. after haircut...
Bowling and Pizza for Aaron's mom, Sue's birthday.
Steve, Sue, Steve, Christa, Malia, Isaac, Nick, Sadie, Grace, Pearl, Sophia, Me (Leslie), and Aaron Jr.
Happy Birthday, Sue!
I felt out of place when I put this together and I didn't have my partner... so I threw in a photo of Aaron above me. That was taken about a week and a half before he passed away. It was our last date out together.
Aaron Jr.'s first time bowling... the kids all had a blast.
He threw this one... if you look close, you can see that it is bouncing. :)
One more 'CHEESE'. He has to do this several times a day for me. He is pretty cooperative most of the time. :)
I love you, Aaron...
* * *
27 comments:
Sending you strength.
Leslie, I wish I had comforting words, or could do something that would take away your pain.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Oh Leslie,
I wish with all my heart you could pick up Aaron's dirty clothes again or watch him wakeboard or ask him what he wants for dinner tonight, all of those normal things we do each day with our hubby. And take for granted.
I love your bowling pic's, they're great and yes after your comment I'm going to make a real effort to get more pictures of craig and I together.
I'm so sorry you have to sell your home you shared together, I know you must have many wonderful memories together there but where ever in this world you live Aaron will always be with you.
Em
Did you sleep at your house last night? I wish there was a way to give you one more of all of those things you mentioned. It sounds like you have wrapped yourself around those memories and can remember them vividly. And now having written them down Aaron can have them too and he can know how much you treasure them.
Sending a big hug your way. Love you
Such a sweet picture of Aaron Jr. with his hair cute. Cheeks that you just want to squish. I told Steve how you were never annoyed with Aaron leaving things places,(that conversation we had at your house Sat night) he thought that was pretty impressive because just 10 min ago I yelled at him for not taking the garbage out.
I also am making an effort to have more pic of Steve and I together because the only ones that I have our the ones you took.
Leslie, you have such a way of making us notice the little things in our own lives that are so important. I don't know if it helps you to know... but you are improving lives and marriages everywhere through sharing your thoughts. I wish you could have all of those things just one more time too, but just hold on to that FOREVER that you will have with him! love you!
honestly, you have helped me to appreciate such SIMPLE things in life. it really is the little things.
thank you for helping me to recognize more and more of the blessing in everyday living.
love you Leslie
sorry les. love you tons. it was fun to see my kids on your blog.
Sorry you are in so much pain. We are so blessed to have an eternal perspective. Love Aaron Jr.'s haircut...adorable! Love ya.
Leslie,
I don't know if you really know me. My name is Michelle Pohlman (Robinson) I grew up in your ward, I'm Marks age. You probably know my sister emily better. Anyway, I came across your blog while reading a friends. I am amazed at your strength. I saw you in December while visiting my parents ward and wanted so badly to say something to you. But then I thought that you'd more appreciate a hug. I guess I wasnt bold enough because I didnt know if you remember me or not. I just want you to know that I have so much admiration for you and wish you the best of luck.
I pray for you daily. I wish there was more I could do. I wish I had the right words. I love getting to know Aaron through your words. He sounds like such a wonderful man.
I hope to begin appreciating the things that drive me nuts about Brett. Dirty socks, clothes left out. It really isn't a big deal. Thanks for the perspective.
Please know how much you are thought of and cared for:)
Leslie,
You don't know me, but I am a friend of Alisa Holland, and in her blog this last week, she mentioned you and had a link to your blog, so I hope it's okay that I came on and wrote! I can't imagine the pain of loosing my husband, but I do understand a little of the loss you feel. Two and a half years ago I lost my oldest son to a choking accident. He was only 2 years and 7 months old. It's hard to sum up in just a small paragraph all the emotions and feelings loosing a loved one really brings! It changes your life! I pray for strength for you, and it sounds to me like you have a lot of support, and that you have a strong testimony, which is such a blessing! People often say to me, "You are so strong, I don't know how you do it. I never could", and I think to myself, I don't! I couldn't do it myself either! I have a loving Heavenly Father who helps me in my weak moments and lifts me up. It is still so hard and often overwhelming, but I somehow end up with just enough strength to get through one more minute, hour, day, and so on. Time does bring healing, but there will always be the missing of that loved one! Anyway, once again, I hope you don't mind me writing this, and I'll be thinking and praying for you and your cute son!
Thank you again for renewing my perspective. Thoughts and prayers and love being sent from a stranger yet again.
You don't know me, I came across your blog as a friend of a friend. I found you to be so inspiring and you really put things into perspective for me just reading your blog. You make me want to cherish everything and life much more. So thank you. You are truly amazing. You and your beautiful son are in my prayers. :)
I love that you let out your emotions here. It is a very tender thing to read all of that. It makes me want to go look at the pile of dirty clothes next to the bed, and whiskers in the sink, and cry out loud for joy. What a blessing those little things are...
What a sweetheart you have in your home...Aaron Jr is so amazing. I love his cheese picture.
I'm sorry you are struggling...I have put your name in the temple several times, even tho I don't know your last name!! I'm sure Heavenly Father knows who you are...he knows all of us, our hearts' desires and all that we need...
Sending stranger hugs to you...
Tami
If I was with you Leslie, I would hug you, and walk with you and talk with you.
As it is, I am thinking of you and wishing it was all so different.
Keep writing.
Love,
Jane
Sorry you were so lonely. It is good to notice and remember the little things. That's what life is--a whole bunch of those little things with only a few of the big, spectacular moments thrown in. Elder Ballard said in conference that we should learn to enjoy the getting there instead of waiting to enjoy the there. (Very liberal paraphrasing, but you probably remember it.) Even though it's hard to remember the little, everyday things, it would be worse not to remember them. Just try to remember them with a smile and a warm thought and hopefully they'll be easier to handle. I love you.
Leslie - I can't even remember how I found your blog - but you are amazing - you also have an wonderful way with words and putting your emotions out there........i keep you in my prayers!!! i also am a photo nut.......can you tell me how you group several photos together like you do? that is really neat - i'm thinking you do it with photoshop.....any ideas how to do it w/o photoshop? thx!! just email me at opsuzq@bellsouth.net
thanks so much - love, susan
Always thinking of you Leslie.
S xx
As always, you inspire me. To cherish the small moments and to be grateful for every bit of everyday evidence that I am loved. You are loved. Remember that eternity is a LONG time! You will have so many more moments!
Sunny
xoxo
Leslie,
I was able to attend the viewing and funeral services of Aaron with my mom. This was the first time we had returned to the funeral home since the passing of my father which was approximately 3 years ago. Amongst all the sadness the one piece of comfort I felt on that day 3 years ago was knowing that I'd see my father again but also that I'd be able to feel his presence anytime I needed it.
Through this beautiful gift of writing that you posses you have been able to help me understand better the pain that each member of my family goes through and how to address it. Most importantly you have helped me to appreciate my husband, my children and every one I love EVERY DAY.
Lastly, I wanted to say that the one thing that still resonates with me from the viewing are the displays that you put together. It was so obvious to anyone that saw them how much love you and Aaron have for each other and your son.
You and Aaron Jr are continually in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely, Amy Ahleen Hone
Well, I haven't cried this hard in a long time. You are such a special spirit, Leslie. I don't even know you and already I have been moved by your sweetness, strength and perserverance. Neil was so excited to see that you contaced us, and we spent quite a while looking at your blog. My heart absolutely aches for you, and I just wish I could give you a big hug right now. Did you know you and Aaron were married a week to the day before we were (and in the same temple too)? Please know we are here, if you ever need anything. Your love for your boys is so evident and you've encouraged me to be a better person. Thank you. Hang in there and know you are loved. I am going to link you on my blog, if that's okay.
Hi Leslie.
I guess you've gotten this a lot, but you don't know me. I was friends with Aaron in highschool and loved his craziness and willingness to try ANYTHING! That's certainly what I remember most about him! I was so shocked to see his obituary and I am so very sorry for what you are going through. People you don't even know are praying for you. I hope you find comfort!
I had to smile when I saw that you went to the zoo on Aaron's birthday. One of my favorite memories of Aaron was at the zoo clear back when we were in highschool on a dance date. We went into the area where all the reptiles were. There is that center part where all the animals just roam free and Aaron decided he wanted to take the GIGANTIC pink lizard (seriously, like two feet long) home. He jumped the fence and picked the lizard up and tried to shove it under his coat. The lizard FREAKED out and scratched him up pretty badly. Needless to say, he didn't end up with the lizard :)
Well, I have enjoyed your honesty on this blog. I will check back often. Your son is a doll. What a beautiful child.
Brittany Call
Leslie, I heard a song on the radio the other day, and it made me think of you. I think you'd like it. Here's a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOufqWodFNo
Praying for you, as always. Love you!
leslie, i just said a prayer for you. i am so, so very sorry that you are having to go through the passing of your husband. thank GOD you have a large part of aaron in your beautiful, baby boy... what a blessing!!!
~dani (ky)
ps little aaron's haircut is just adorable:D
Just stopped by to tell you I was thinking about you. Hope you and Aaron Jr. are having a good week. I keep you in my prayers.
Take care.
Rita
I am so sorry for all that you have been going through! I stumbled onto your blog and couldn't help but get so emotional reading about your struggles. Aaron is very lucky to be sealed to you. I truly know that the Lord doesn't give you more than you can bear, and I KNOW that there is no peace to be found on this earth like the peace that Christ gives. Thank you for your thoughts and helping me to put my life into perspective and to appreciate my family more. I wish it was because of better circumstances. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Several times in high school Aaron and I would skip class and spend the day bowling. Sometimes things would get a little competitive and Aaron would start making funny noises right when I started my bowling motion. (I know everyone can picture Aaron doing this.) We would both start laughing so hard that it would take us a long time to finish each game. We would eventually start to get a little crazy bowling several balls at the same time and doing all types of inappropriate bowling maneuvers. I can remember at least twice getting kicked out of bowling alleys with Aaron. The picture brought back some good memories.
I’ve visited Aaron’s grave a couple times recently and both times I almost drank some of Aaron’s guarana, it was almost like Aaron was tempting me.
Thanks Leslie,
Dax
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