Three Years

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Three years ago right now, I was having my last conversation with my husband, Aaron. The last words I would hear him speak, the last words I would be able to say to him. Replaying that conversation in my mind often still brings regrets... as I wish I could have a redo. A do over. A rewind. I could kick myself for not saying the things that I now wish I could go back and say to him. For not giving him a huge hug that night and telling him how much I love him as I held him close. Of course I didn't know it would be the last time I saw him alive, but that is no excuse.

When we love someone and if they mean that much to us, shouldn't we be telling them and showing them all the time how much they mean to us and how much we love them? Yes we should be. I try to always imagine it being the last time I see a loved one and I try to make sure they know that I love them before we part ways. I do not want anymore regrets like these that I have from that last conversation with Aaron.

If I could have a do over... I would tell Aaron that I love him. I would tell him that he has been a blessing in my life. I would tell him that I hope I have been a good wife to him. I would tell him that we will remember him always and that we will see him again. I would give him a huge hug and not let go... and tell him I love him over and over... and over.

Even without Aaron here, our thoughts still revolves around him. Whether it is a memory of him, or whether they are thoughts about why life is different without him here.

I cannot even believe it has been three years. Three years since that horrific day where my world shattered and my heart broke into countless pieces... leaving wounds so deep, the scars will remain for the rest of this life. It is so difficult to wrap my mind around the events surrounding that day and the phenomenon of time. If feels like yesterday and an eternity ago at the same time. I feel like my mind is everywhere and nowhere at the same time... like if I keep trying to wrap my mind around it all... I will soon go completely crazy and my mind will burst.

I tried again tonight to talk to Aaron Jr about why we will be going to the cemetery tomorrow to release balloons into the sky. He said that it is because Daddy is in heaven. I asked him why he is in heaven and he said that it is because Daddy is working. Anyway, we talked for a few more minutes, but in the end, he finally asked me impatiently, "How long have we been talking about this?" It made me laugh so hard. I can count on this precious little boy to make me laugh even at the toughest times of my days. He had other important things to do. :) Later in the evening, he very thoughtfully said to me, "I miss Daddy". What a precious boy.

I am grateful for Aaron's life. I am grateful that I got to be with him for a portion of his life. What a blessing. I am grateful that we were able to share our lives together for a short time. I love him. I miss him.

Loving and missing you so much, Aaron...

Remembering you always...
We love you so much...

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