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Well, it is really late and I am getting ready to go to bed. Tonight, I felt like I was in a movie. You know the movies where there is a girl who is lonely or feeling sad about something, so she goes out and rents a movie (or three) and gets Chinese take out? Well... I was that girl tonight. Luckily, I had Aaron Jr. to dine with me and to fall asleep while watching the movies with me. He was great company. As I carried Aaron Jr. AND the Chinese take out from the restaurant, the thought went through my head about how cliche this all felt.
As I finished the second movie, I was getting ready to go to bed, but wanted to look at my blog one more time so I could see some photos of Aaron. Well, needless to say, I didn't get to bed very early because the flood of emotions were back all at once. As I looked through the photos, I couldn't help but feel like something was just so wrong. I have talked before about how this doesn't feel real yet... but lately, it doesn't just feel unreal... it feels like there is just something completely wrong about the whole situation. Things just don't feel right anymore. Life is scary without Aaron. When I try to think about my future, it is hard to imagine living it without Aaron. I know that I am living it right now and it is going on, but I still feel so numb to the reality of everything. As time goes on, Aaron's absence is becoming more and more noticeable in just the everyday things. So far, I have been able to convince myself throughout the day that Aaron is just at work and as the evening approaches, Aaron Jr and I will head home to meet him there for dinner after his long hard day. Each time Aaron Jr says a new word or phrase or does something so sweet or so cute... I think about calling Aaron to tell him about it. When I think about the little things that I am missing out on because he is not here, I feel like the wind is being knocked out of me over and over again. Just the normal conversations between husband and wife... I will watch couples talking about normal everyday things and I will remember conversations like that with Aaron and I will have a strong desire to go back to that point in time and cherish the insignificant conversation. Something as insignificant as him asking me if I know where something is... or asking me if I can bring him a drink of water... or him telling me something that happened at work that day. I took these exchanges for granted.
I want to walk into the bedroom and see his pile of clothes that he wore the day before sitting on the floor next to the bed. I never minded having to pick them up and put them in the hamper that was only a few feet away.
I want to walk into the kitchen after he has made himself something to eat and see almost every single pot and pan dirty on the stove because he has used them all.
I want to see his dirty socks on the counter because he didn't want to get my clean floor dirty by walking through the kitchen wearing them.
I want to put my hands into the pockets of his jeans to make sure they are empty before washing them and feel a hand full of sawdust in the bottom of the pocket. It always got stuck in my fingernails, but I have to smile about it now.
I want to go to clean his bathroom sink and look down and find his whiskers all over in the sink and on the counter... probably from days before.
I want him to be snoring next to me in bed... or tossing and turning because he can't find a comfortable position.
I want him to hold me while we fall asleep tonight.
I want to be watching TV with him and see something amusing and look at him to see if he found it as amusing as I did.
I want to say something that I think is so clever and ask him if he thought it was clever. When he DID laugh at my jokes, I always felt a sense of accomplishment.
I want to use the baseball mitts that he bought for all of us for Christmas, but that we never used together.
I want to watch him wakeboard just one more time.
I want to go horseback riding with him just one more time.
I want to hold his hand just one more time.
I want to study his face and memorize everything all over again.
I want one more kiss and one more hug.
One more moment.
One more 'I love you'.
I guess I am having a difficult night... it feels so good to cry though. I try to sugarcoat my feelings sometimes for the benefit of others, but tonight... I just couldn't. I am having a hard time.
They didn't give me any fortune cookies tonight with my dinner, but I have some sitting right here on the desk that I got a week or so ago when I ate dinner with John and Tawnie (my brother and sister in law).
One says 'Your sense of humor allows you to glide through difficult times.'
The other one says 'He who has hope, has everything.' -Confucious
I do have hope. I have hope that I WILL get to have all of these experiences that I am missing out on... with Aaron. I have hope in Jesus Christ. He is my rock in all of this and I am grateful for Him.
Well, on a lighter note, I guess I will post a few photos from the last couple of weeks...
This is the last day we were in Oregon visiting Spencer, Kristi, Spencer, Luke, and Benjamin.
At the park with my sister Lisa and her kids: Caroline, Hannah, Elise, Stella, and Angus.
Aaron Jr. before haircut...
Aaron Jr. after haircut...
Bowling and Pizza for Aaron's mom, Sue's birthday.
Steve, Sue, Steve, Christa, Malia, Isaac, Nick, Sadie, Grace, Pearl, Sophia, Me (Leslie), and Aaron Jr.
Happy Birthday, Sue!
I felt out of place when I put this together and I didn't have my partner... so I threw in a photo of Aaron above me. That was taken about a week and a half before he passed away. It was our last date out together.
Aaron Jr.'s first time bowling... the kids all had a blast.
He threw this one... if you look close, you can see that it is bouncing. :)
One more 'CHEESE'. He has to do this several times a day for me. He is pretty cooperative most of the time. :)
I love you, Aaron...
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