I truly cannot believe it has been two months. I have talked to several people today that also cannot believe it. It feels like it has already been an eternity since I have seen Aaron, but when you think about the actual time... TWO MONTHS... that is such a short amount of time.
With how long two months has lasted for me... the rest of my life seems like it will go on forever. And living that long without Aaron... it is a daunting feeling. It hit me today pretty hard... that I haven't even lived half of my life yet. If two months seemed like an eternity... right now imagining what fifty years will be like without him... it is so long.
We had some visits from friends and family today. It was a great distraction for us. I am truly grateful for all of the love being shown to us. I have wanted to mention specifics of what people have done, but there is a list a mile long. I wish I could mention everything in this post, but it is already after 3:00 a.m. and I would be up all night. I hope those people who have done such kind things for us know how grateful we are. Those who we know about and those who have done it anonymously. People are so thoughtful. Nothing has gone unnoticed.
As I was putting Aaron Jr. to bed tonight, I had a sweet experience. He was holding a 4x6 copy of this photo below...
and as he pointed to each person, he said, 'Daddy', 'Mommy', 'Aaron'.
I took the photo from him and gave Aaron a kiss and asked him if he wanted to give Daddy a kiss. Then he took the photo and gave Daddy a kiss. Then he held it close and wrapped his arms around it tight and said, 'hugs'... 'hugs'. It brought on some tender emotions. He is so sweet. At one point, he pointed across the room to one of the many photos that I have framed of our family (one that is almost identical to the one at the beginning of this post) and said 'Daddy', 'Mommy', 'Aaron', 'Ode'. (Ode is our dog.) Then he asked, 'Where's Ode?' I told him that Ode is at home. Then he asked, 'Where's Daddy?' I then told him for the first time that Daddy is with Jesus. Then he repeated the name 'Jesus' a few times. I am sure he doesn't comprehend what that means yet, but it was actually really difficult to say honestly where his Daddy is. I think by telling him that, it made it all feel more real, and I don't like that.
Then there is a calendar that Aaron's mom had made for me for Christmas that has photos in it... Aaron pointed to this photo...
and said, 'Daddy', 'Mommy', then he asked, 'Where's Aaron'? This photo of Aaron and I was in March of 2003 when we went to Disneyland and California Adventure... two years before we even were able to get pregnant with Aaron Jr. It was an interesting exchange because he is realizing that the photos of Aaron and I don't have him in them... I am constantly being amazed each day at what he is learning and realizing. It was sweet that he knew he was missing from that photo.
Later while I was holding him as he fell asleep, he pointed up to this photo of Jesus that is hanging on the wall...
and he said, 'Jesus'.
This painting was given to Aaron Jr. and me by my family right after Aaron passed away. It is a painting by Greg Olsen called 'Walk With Me'. It is framed with a poem beside it that Greg Olsen wrote and it is so beautiful. Aaron's parents also were given this same painting by Aaron's sister. It actually is a perfect one. Aaron loved the outdoors, so this reminds me of all of the trips we took camping, and fishing, and hiking. I believe that each of us goes through times in our lives when we 'walk with the Savior'. I know that He is walking with me helping me to bear this burden in my life.
Some of my family subscribes to something called LDS Daily Gems, which sends an inspiring thought each day to our emails... today's reads:
"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or in the next, Sunday will come. I testify to you that the Resurrection is not a fable. We have the personal testimonies of those who saw Him. Thousands in the Old and New Worlds witnessed the risen Savior. They felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and side. They shed tears of unrestrained joy as they embraced Him."
(Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Sunday Will Come," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 30)
That unrestrained joy that is spoken of is what I look forward to. Imagine the joy that is to come for all of us when we are blessed with the experience of not only embracing our loved ones who have passed away, but also when we are blessed to embrace the Savior.
Those 'Fridays' that it speaks of... I have so many of those days. Days where I miss Aaron so much, I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin. It just seems like there is something terribly wrong in the world. The world doesn't feel right, it feels like a nightmare, where nothing seems to make any sense at all. Days where I feel like it just can't be real... he just can't be gone... I just can't be left here to raise our son without him. Right now, my future seems bleak...
but this 'Sunday' that is spoken of... I know it will come... it has to come. I know that this much pain and sorrow can't overshadow me forever. I know that the sunlight will start to peek through as I cast more and more of my burden upon the Savior. It seems so far away right now, but I know He is there ready and waiting.
The first time I opened my scriptures after the funeral, this is the chapter I turned to and this verse was in that chapter. It hit me pretty hard.
Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. - Revelations 3:20
He is ready and waiting... for all of us.
He is ready and waiting... for all of us.
I am grateful for Aaron. I am grateful for the happiness that I know he is enjoying being with those who have gone before him. I know that he wants us to be happy... and for that reason, I want to eventually strive for that happiness. I will miss him always, but Aaron would want us to be happy while missing him. I hope he is understanding that it will take some time though. :)
We love you Aaron... with all of our hearts.
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