Friday, May 29, 2015

Am I Happy?

Truthfully, I have no idea where to even begin.
I don't know how to catch up on what has happened in the past few years...
so I will just begin with what happened last night.

I received that acceptance letter in my email last night.
My first reaction was paralyzing fear...
but knowing that this is the right step for me gives me enough peace to help me move forward instead of retreating.

I have been praying for a long time to know what to do and where to go and what path I am supposed to be on. I realize now that certain things had to happen in order to get me to this decision and put me here.

The photo that I have had at the top of my blog for years definitely comes into play in making this decision.

I haven't been happy for a long time.
Are there things in my life that bring me happiness? Yes.
Is my life what I expected it to be or what I ever wanted? No.

Anyone who knows me knows that what I believe will bring me the most happiness in this life is to remarry and have more kids. That is something that is out of my control though.
I believe I am as happy as I can be in my current situation.
Aaron Jr makes me happy...
But could I be happier? Yes.

So, since my hopes and dreams of remarrying and having more kids is not coming my way as quickly as I would have imagined, I finally decided it was in my own hands to take the advice on the photo above and change something. I finally realized that waiting impatiently for an amazing guy to come along was not helping me to reach my goal of finding more happiness. So far, it has mostly brought disappointment and discouragement. I realized that I had to change my way of thinking and change what I was willing to do in order to progress in my life.

I realized that waiting around has never and will never be what the Lord wants for us.
He wants us to keep pressing forward.
He wants us to be steadfast.
He wants us to keep working towards something.
He wants us to have faith and trust Him.
I have been paralyzed for a long time, mostly out of fear.
I am scared the the unknown.

Many talks from Prophets and Apostles, many scriptures verses, and many words of advice from family and friends have brought me to this place...
...this place where I am having to have faith and be brave enough to take some steps into the darkness in order to find the light.

I have decided to also pay attention to what I have learned in the past.
This most definitely is pushing my courage to the limits right now. :)

This doesn't mean I won't panic many more times before I begin this journey and during this journey... but it does mean that I have to push through the panic and keep moving in the direction that feels right at this time in my life.

I received that email last night...
then while reading my scriptures this morning,
I came across these verses in 2 Nephi 32:

These verses brought me comfort this morning.

You better believe I will be praying always throughout this journey so that Heavenly Father will consecrate my performance... I will need Him all the way through it.

Wish me luck.
Better yet... 
Pray for me.


tammy said...

I know those panicky feelings all too well. I also know there is great comfort in putting your life in God's hands and letting Him "take the wheel". I don't know you personally, only share a common group known as widowhood, but I know you can do this, and He will bless you along the way.

Anonymous said...

You will do great! And after almost 10 years of being single due to divorce, I learned an important lesson and that is to make decisions based on my life as it is. Not as I want it to be or hope it will be.

But wait...sounds like you've learned the same lesson! Good luck. An education is something nobody can ever take away from you. Yay for Leslie!

Anonymous said...

Of all the gals, in all the world, you should be happy

Make it happen sister.. cap (your pal in the UK)

Leslie said...

Hey friend... are you there? If you get this, email me. ❤