Seasons of Change

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For the past few years, I have been wanting to drive up American Fork Canyon when the leaves were changing to see the beautiful autumn colors in the canyon. Well, for the past few years, it seems like we were always just a little too early or a little too late when we finally got around to going so we didn't go. Well, this year, I didn't want it to pass by without taking Aaron Jr. and Ode up the canyon to hike around a bit and get some photos of the beauty up there. So, after many attempts to go, we finally went this week. It was GORGEOUS. Here are just a few of our photos from that day:








Our first hike was in a place where Aaron and I had gone before back in 2004 when we went up to see the autumn colors. It was still beautiful.


The other place we stopped to hike around ended up being a place that is very well taken care of. I hadn't ever been there before. It is called Cascade Springs.










My sweet little boy.


Isn't this so beautiful?

Aaron Jr., Ode, and I had a blast on our drive up the canyon. It took several hours and we didn't get home until dark. It was so much fun though. When we got out to hike around, Aaron Jr. and Ode were so full of energy. Ode would run up ahead until we couldn't see him, then he would run back until he could see us again, stand there for a minute to wait for us, then run up ahead and do it all over again. Aaron Jr. tripped over a few tree roots and fell flat. It didn't seem to phase him, he would just get back up, want me to brush him off, then he would be on his way again. I kept telling him to be careful. So, after we turned around to head back to the car, Aaron Jr. wanted to hold my hand the whole way and he kept telling ME to be careful the whole way back. It was so sweet. We missed having Aaron with us this time.


2004
Now, here are a few photos from the Fall of 2004 when Aaron, Ode, and I went for a Sunday drive up American Fork Canyon.


Aaron and Ode


Leslie and Aaron

These were taken in 2004 the very next day. My sister, Lisa, and her family came down for Family Home Evening. We drove up this canyon again to have a barbeque. It was getting dark, so that is why these photos are a little blurry. It was very fun.


John, Lisa, Caroline, Hannah and Elise (not necessarily in that order :)


Aaron, Leslie, Ode

Ever since driving up the canyon, I have been thinking a lot about this season and what it means in nature. As I pondered on the autumn season in general, I realized that in nature, Heavenly Father uses a change in weather to be 'off with the old', then 'on with the new'.

I think Heavenly Father does this in our lives as well. There are things in our lives that need to be changed, whether we realize it, or else just Heavenly Father knows it... certain things have to be let go. Mistakes we make, negative feelings we have built up inside of ourselves weighing us down, getting too 'comfortable' in life, or just realizing that we might be headed in the wrong direction; there is a time to just let these things go... time to figure out where we want to be and where we need to be going; then is the time to start again... fresh. Autumn, Winter, and Spring are the seasons that represent each of those steps in a changing process. Then, once we start fresh again, Summer represents the time when we are growing and thriving in the changes we have made, the things we have let go, things that were weighing us down.

In this thought process, it doesn't mean that I am ready to let go of my life with Aaron. That will never happen. Aaron will always be a part of my life and Aaron Jr's life. But what am I supposed to be doing to get me to where I NEED to be? I know there is more for me here in this life. I know there is still happiness to be had. I know there are still experiences to share. What do I need to be learning to get me ready for what is in store for me in the future here in this life?

It is still so difficult to picture my life or my future without Aaron by my side. It is still heartbreaking even thinking about that, and so very lonely imagining my life without Aaron, but I am trying to accept that it is my life now. TRYING being the key word.

I miss you SO much, Aaron. I love you and I hope you are with us everyday...

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Ten Months...

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My brother Robert, his wife Teresa, and their son Zach came down this evening. They took us out to dinner then we went to play at the park. Here are a few photos. Thanks Robert and Teresa and Zach. We had a great time.




After they left, Aaron Jr. found the Johnny Jump Up and wanted to play in it. So, I hooked it up, put him in, and he had a blast. We don't have any door jams in any open spaces in our house, so when we first got it, Aaron found a 'stud' in the ceiling and put this bike hanger in the ceiling to hang it from. It always worked really well. This is the first time it has been used since Aaron passed away. Aaron Jr. enjoyed himself... even though he is getting a little too big for it.




This is Aaron's friend Dan, his girlfriend Liz and her daughter Ashlynn. The past few years around this time of year, Aaron and Dan would go up to a beautiful canyon in Mapleton. They would take their horses, camp out, then go horseback riding through the beautiful mountains with trees full of changing leaves.
Yesterday, Dan called to see if Aaron Jr. and I wanted to join them up in that canyon to sit around their campfire and roast marshmallows. Dan had called and asked my brother in law John if they could bring Shayla (she was Aaron's horse) with them. So, they had Shayla and Abby (Dan's horse) with them. Aaron Jr. knew who Shayla was and kept calling her 'Daddy's horse'.
It was a really nice evening. The whole drive down there, I just kept wishing that I was sitting in the passenger seat with Aaron driving to go and meet them.
It was SO nice of them to invite us. I am so glad we went and it was nice to sit and talk about Aaron and also talk about their trips to go horseback riding up there.
Thank you Dan and Liz and Ashlynn. We had a great time.




This is a photo that Dan took of Aaron a couple of years ago on one of their trips to that canyon. Thanks Dan. I love this photo of Aaron and Shayla.

The fact that it has been ten months since Aaron passed away is a surreal feeling for me. I still miss Aaron as much as ever and my heart still aches with loneliness and sorrow wishing he were here with me. Each month that passes doesn't necessarily make me feel more healed... it is just time. The healing has come from the love and support of others and also from the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I still feel like I have a long way to go, but I am so grateful for the Savior and for the understanding He has of my own individual pain. He knows it, because He suffered it. 'Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows...' -Isaiah 53:4
'...the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted...' -Doctrine and Covenants 138:42
I am not alone in this. None of us are alone in anything that we suffer. No matter how excruciating the loneliness feels at times, I am not alone.

Always missing you, Aaron. I love you...

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Aaron the Younger

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I have to say, I have always figured that it would be difficult to be a single parent (or as Dr. Laura would say, A Widowed Mom) ... but I never imagined that I would ever find out from personal experience just how difficult it is. These photos don't show what it is like to be a single parent, but they are fun and are some of our experiences as of late...


I get this look a lot lately when Aaron Jr. is not getting his way. Still hard to resist. :)


Here are a few activities he has enjoyed lately.


Finger painting was, of course, very messy... but it was totally worth the mess. Aaron Jr. had a blast. I have seen moms on Supernanny who have a hard time letting their kids do anything that will get them dirty or messy and Supernanny is always trying to get them to let it go and let the kids have fun... you can always clean it up when they are done. Well, I have to admit, part of me was ready to put a stop to it a few times... I even started to put the lids on the paints when I figured there was enough mess. But when Aaron Jr. protested and wanted to keep painting, I just had to take the lids back off so that he could keep creating. It was worth it. I have some wonderful 'original paintings' of Aaron Jr's that I will treasure. The one thing that I could have done without was when he started painting his feet and then using his feet to paint the cupboards underneath where he was sitting. That is when we quit and I told him it was time for a bath. I wasn't thinking at all and he started walking towards the bathroom... on the carpet... with the paint still on his feet. What a blessing that it was washable paints. :) He had such a great time.


Aaron has been doing pretty well at staying in his own bed when I am finally able to get him tired enough to go to sleep. This particular night, out of the blue, he said he wanted Daddy. So, I found a little photo of our family and gave it to him to hold. He was SO excited. First, he put it next to himself on the pillow so it was right next to his face. Then, the next time I had to get him into bed, he held it close to himself and then he put it down his shirt and hugged it tight. It was so cute.
Once he was finally asleep, this is how I found him. The little photo is under his very uncomfortable looking right shoulder.


I have really been enjoying the veggies I have been able to bring home from the farmer's market that I work at every Thursday. Here is a butternut squash that Aaron Jr. is using as an instrument and a baby. Mmmm... squash.


Top left: the night before his haircut.
Top right: the next morning when I had to carry him out of bed to get his hair cut. NOT a happy camper.
Bottom left: Suzy cutting his hair.
Bottom right: Aaron Jr's adorable haircut.
THANKS AGAIN SUZY!


Aaron cutting his fallen popsicle with stick.
Aaron slurping his fallen popsicle from ground.
Aaron feeling proud that he was still able to eat fallen popsicle.
Should I be worried about this?


Okay, now... it sure is nice when your child starts to become a LITTLE more independent, BUT Aaron Jr. has been scaring me more often. When I let Ode out to go to the bathroom, Aaron Jr. usually wants to go out with him. So, I will let him out and then when I got out a few seconds later, he keeps following Ode down the street. I think that he thinks as long as he is with Ode, he is okay to go wherever Ode goes. I have had to put a stop to Aaron Jr. going outside with Ode unless I am there by his side. He sure has gotten fast though... he runs when I try to get him back to our house.
Also, he has begun getting into the refrigerator and cupboards to get his own snacks. I have had to move all of the food to really high cupboards and the top left photo is what I have had to resort to with the refrigerator. I would be okay with him getting his own snacks, but I keep finding him eating things down on the couch. Yogurt, crackers, bread, corn on the cob (right photo). I have had to clean the couch and the carpet way too many times in the last couple of weeks for my liking. The corn on the cob... there were a few left over after dinner, so when I wasn't looking, he got the butter out and buttered them and ate them all like this sitting on the couch. Butter isn't a good thing to get on a couch.
Another reason it needs to be stopped is because he keeps getting into the refrigerator at other people's houses. Those just are not the greatest manners. :)
The bottom photo is of him washing dishes. He is obsessed with pulling the stool over to the sink and 'washing' dishes. What actually happens is that he usually washes the floor and himself a little more than the dishes.
ONE thing that melts my heart is that every time Aaron Jr does anything that disappoints me, all I have to do is show it on my face that I am disappointed, and he walks over, gives me a hug, and says 'Sorry Mom'. It melts me and it is so hard to put him in time out after that. But I still have to sometimes.

A Year Ago...

The two photos of Aaron with Aaron Jr. are so special. We were at the park in the bottom one and Aaron was SO proud of Aaron Jr. that he was hanging from the bar all by himself... so he called me over to take a photo.


Here is Aaron Jr. last year when I caught him putting on Daddy's shoes and Daddy's jacket. I do want Aaron Jr. to know his Daddy. He can't get to know his Dad from personal experience with him, but I am hoping he gets to know his Dad through these posts and also through the friends and family who know Aaron. I do hope Aaron Jr. grows up to 'walk in his Daddy's shoes' by having all of the greatest qualities of his Dad.

Aaron Jr. has hit a stage of life in the past couple of weeks that is unlike what I have seen in him before. I have never really liked the term 'terrible twos' when referring to kids that hit a certain stage in their cute little lives... but Aaron Jr. has definitely hit the 'rambuncious twos', the 'energetic twos', the 'independent twos', the 'emotionally and physically draining of his Mom twos', the 'mischeivious twos', the 'making messes twos', the 'wanting to do everything his own way twos'... I could go on and on...

BUT on the flip side, he is still in the 'bringing overwhelming joy to his Mom twos' stage.

As far as being a single parent... it is a task I never expected or desired to have to take on. It is a very lonely and overwhelming task. With Aaron Jr. becoming more and more active and independent, I have become more and more tired physically and especially tired mentally. The time of day when Aaron would have usually come home from work, it hits me especially hard because I just long to see him walk through the door and give me that boost of emotional support and give Aaron Jr. some much needed Daddy playtime. Definitely something I took for granted when I had it.
But no matter how difficult this is, I am SO grateful to be Aaron Jr's mom. I am blessed every day by his life.

'I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.' -Doctrine and Covenants 84:88


What a precious gift.

THE END

Missing Daddy... we love you Aaron...

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Missing the Adventure

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After Aaron and I got home from our honeymoon in 2002, we enjoyed spending so much time together. In that first month after we got married, we went on our honeymoon, then we had these adventures...


Aaron took me on my first mountain bike experience ever. He took me to Moab to ride on the practice loop of Slick Rock Trail. It was so much fun.


Anyone who knows Aaron will have a good laugh about this photo. Here we are in our 1993 Lexus ES300 on our way up Lions Back down in Moab. Truck or car, Aaron was going to test the power of any vehicle and have his adventure. We didn't make it any further, but Aaron HAD to take a photo. Aaron was always searching for a hill or a mound of dirt or something to drive over to test the power of his vehicles... even in the middle of town. :)






The top two photos are where we camped. It was so great.




At the end of our bike ride, we took a dip in a little river. Of course, Aaron found some critters to pick up and play with. Here he is with a little crawdad, or crayfish... whatever they are called.

Aaron lost his watch at the bottom of that waterfall when he went in there. He dove down in and found it. Miracle.


A few days later, Aaron's sister was in the hospital getting ready to have her first baby. This was going to be the first grandchild on their side of the family. So, we went up to the hospital to wait for the baby to be born. Aaron was SO excited. Here are Aaron and me with Sadie and Nick's baby, Grace.
One great story about this night:
I had always wanted to have kids right away when I got married. But Aaron had wanted to wait for a little bit just to get the hang of life after getting married and stuff. Well, Grace was born nearly 4 weeks after we got married. That night when we got home from the hospital, Aaron told me that he was ready to start trying. I was so excited. I was always grateful that we were there when Grace was born to get Aaron excited to start trying to have a baby. That started our few years of trying. That is another story...


Here are two more of Aaron's Ford trucks. He sold the one on the right when we first got married (it was his pride and joy). He sold the one on the left just a few months before he passed away. Part of me wishes he still had one of those. He had talked about restoring an old Ford truck with Aaron Jr. when he got older.
The other photos here are of Aaron and his friend Dan. They went for an afternoon ride one day after school. I think it was up Provo Canyon. Of course Aaron found some water to jump into... no matter how cold it might have been.


That next weekend, we went camping with a couple of Aaron's friends up at Mirror Lake. It was GORGEOUS. There was still snow on the ground, but it was amazing and fun.


Aaron and Leslie


Aaron and Leslie


Kaily, Rob, Austin, Leslie, Aaron


Aaron and Leslie


Did I mention that Aaron always loves to jump into ANY body of water that was around, no matter how cold it was? Yep, they jumped in... but not for long.


After everyone else left, Aaron and I went mountain biking around the lake. It was so beautiful and we had such a great time.


Leslie and Aaron
Aaron is packing all of our camping gear out on his bike to take to the car. What a man. :)

I love you, Aaron...

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