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I wanted to get some nice photos of Aaron Jr. in these cowboy clothes before they were too small. When I was pregnant, Aaron and I stayed in this motel on our way home from California where we had just helped Rob & Kaily move. In the motel room, there was this framed picture on the wall of a little child in a cowboy hat and overalls standing by a barn door. Even though we didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl yet, I told Aaron that I wanted to take a photo of our child in cowboy clothes by a barn and enlarge it and frame it and hang it on our wall. Well, this isn't a barn, it is a shed in our backyard... but Aaron painted it red just a few months ago, so this is where I wanted these photos to be taken. I even waited to get Aaron Jr.'s hair cut until after these were taken because Aaron talked about how he wanted Aaron Jr.'s hair just long enough that his curls could flip out under his hat.
So, I borrowed my brother's nice camera and went with my friend, Shauna, down to take these photos. I took a lot of them, but these are the ones that are my favorites.
Aaron Jr.'s Clothing and where it came from:
Cowboy hat: Aaron's mom
Plaid flannel shirt: Aaron
Black leather vest: Aaron (before we found out if we were having a boy or a girl)
Bolo tie: Aaron's
Cowhide coat: Rob & Kaily
Levi jeans: my sister, Karey
Cowboy boots: Me (at a thrift store near where we live, what a bargain)
Belt: Aaron (just a couple of weeks before he passed away)
It was cold that day and Aaron Jr. braved the weather like a champ. He has gotten used to the idea of putting on his cowboy clothes. He actually enjoys putting them on now. But, I think it is time to retire a few of the items. They are a little too small now. But we will save them for when Aaron Jr. has a son.
I was sitting in the kitchen today and Aaron Jr. ran to me crying and pointing to his right foot. When he got to me, he said he had hurt his foot (in his language) and he held it up a bit. I asked him if I could kiss it better, so he held it up and I lifted it up. After I kissed his foot, I said "all better" and he ran away smiling and laughing ready to play again.
After he ran away, the thought entered my mind that he has a lot of trust in me. He was hurt and he truly believed that me kissing his foot and telling him it was all better took all of his pain away. He believed it and he let the pain be taken. He believed it because he trusted me.
As I sat there, I realized that it is the same for us, as children of our Father in Heaven. Heavenly Father makes promises to us and it is up to us to put our trust in Him and believe. The difference in these two scenarios is us... not Heavenly Father. Because we don't have the kind of faith that a child has, it is more difficult for us to put our trust in Him than it is for our child to put their trust in us.
Heavenly Father loves me just as I love Aaron Jr. He wants me to be happy just as I want Aaron Jr. to be happy. He doesn't like to see me hurting just as I don't like to see Aaron Jr. hurting. He is there ready to take my pain away just as I am there ready to take Aaron Jr.'s pain away... as much as I can anyway. Aaron Jr. trusts that I can do that for him... it is up to me to trust that my Father in Heaven can do that for me.
It is easier said than done, but we are promised that if we put our trust in Him, He will guide us down the path that will bring us joy.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. -Proverbs 3:5-6
It IS easier said than done. I still struggle to go to sleep at night. I still have lots of moments where I am completely uncomfortable no matter where I am or what I am doing. Right now, I feel like I don't have a place in the world, like I don't belong anywhere. I struggle through each day trying to smile, but feeling so much sorrow inside. So many people have mentioned to me that I am courageous and that I am a strong person... but, I don't feel courageous. In fact, I am scared to death for what my future holds for me in this life. And as far as being strong... I feel like I am collapsing from the inside out. So, any strength I am receiving has to be the Lord sustaining me through this trial. The moments when reality hits me, I feel like I am getting kicked in the stomach and the wind is knocked out of me. In those moments, I have to push reality aside to even function. The pain is still so deep... but I am trying.
This is where trust comes in. I do trust that my pain can be taken away, that is why I pray each night for peace and comfort. It is just so hard to hand it all over at once. I pray each night that Aaron is all right and that he is happy. I do have moments of peace and comfort and those moments are blessings from my Father in Heaven. Aaron Jr. brings me smiles and laughter each day. He is such a blessing in my life. I believe that it is through him that I am being given a lot of my moments of peace and comfort. I am truly grateful for him.
We love and miss you, Aaron...
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