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Tonight, I was supposed to host a gathering at our house with Aaron's closest friends. It was a gathering I was having to celebrate his birthday... late. Since I wasn't able to have a surprise party for him this year, I thought it would be nice to get the friends who usually came to his surprise parties and gather at our house. I was planning for it to mostly be telling stories and memories of Aaron. I had anxiety about it, but was looking forward to it anyway.
Well, today wasn't a good day. It didn't have anything to do with the anxiety about the gathering, it just wasn't a good day... so I called it off. I hope Aaron's friends all understand. If the day hadn't been so crappy, I would not have had any problem continuing on with the plans.
But, today, I wept for more consecutive hours than I have for a long time. My eyes are sore, I have a headache, I am drained of energy...
Last week, I was talking to my mother in law about a class she had attended. They had talked about 'mourning'. They talked about the story in the New Testament when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. They talked about when Jesus felt the mourning and the grieving of the family of Lazarus, He grieved with them. These are the verses (John 11:32-35):
"Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.
When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled, And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.
'Jesus wept'. It is so comforting to know that He mourns with us, He grieves with us, He weeps with us. He is able to truly go through it WITH us because He has suffered it all for us already. I hope someday to have enough faith to truly cast my burden upon the Lord... I am trying.
The days that bring this much sorrow are so painful. I will let days go by where I push the whole idea out of my head that Aaron is even gone, but then something will happen and it will set off a day like this. I have never even imagined that a person can experience as much pain as I have been feeling. It amazes me that emotional pain can be felt physically. There are times... even today... when I feel like I cannot survive even one more moment, and yet that moment passes... and then another... and then another. And then all of a sudden the day is gone. The days are long and the moments are painful. If it is possible to die of a broken heart, then I am shocked that I am still here. But for Aaron Jr's sake, I am glad I am still here. He brings the light and joy in each day.
I don't know why I have been asked to endure these trials. I might never know in this life... but what I do know is that we will not be asked to endure any trial that is more difficult than what our Father in Heaven knows we can endure. I guess He knows more about my strength than I do. I am grateful to our Savior for His atoning sacrifice. He knows firsthand what pain and sorrow we all experience... He will walk with us every step of the way if we let Him. I am sure He wept as I wept.
Anyhow, obviously today was hard. With Mother's Day coming up, I am hoping to feel Aaron close and have a beautiful day with Aaron Jr.
I love you Aaron ... as always...
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