Friday, May 9, 2008

Today was difficult...

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Tonight, I was supposed to host a gathering at our house with Aaron's closest friends. It was a gathering I was having to celebrate his birthday... late. Since I wasn't able to have a surprise party for him this year, I thought it would be nice to get the friends who usually came to his surprise parties and gather at our house. I was planning for it to mostly be telling stories and memories of Aaron. I had anxiety about it, but was looking forward to it anyway.
Well, today wasn't a good day. It didn't have anything to do with the anxiety about the gathering, it just wasn't a good day... so I called it off. I hope Aaron's friends all understand. If the day hadn't been so crappy, I would not have had any problem continuing on with the plans.
But, today, I wept for more consecutive hours than I have for a long time. My eyes are sore, I have a headache, I am drained of energy...

Last week, I was talking to my mother in law about a class she had attended. They had talked about 'mourning'. They talked about the story in the New Testament when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. They talked about when Jesus felt the mourning and the grieving of the family of Lazarus, He grieved with them. These are the verses (John 11:32-35):

"Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.
When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,
And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.
Jesus wept."

'Jesus wept'. It is so comforting to know that He mourns with us, He grieves with us, He weeps with us. He is able to truly go through it WITH us because He has suffered it all for us already. I hope someday to have enough faith to truly cast my burden upon the Lord... I am trying.

The days that bring this much sorrow are so painful. I will let days go by where I push the whole idea out of my head that Aaron is even gone, but then something will happen and it will set off a day like this. I have never even imagined that a person can experience as much pain as I have been feeling. It amazes me that emotional pain can be felt physically. There are times... even today... when I feel like I cannot survive even one more moment, and yet that moment passes... and then another... and then another. And then all of a sudden the day is gone. The days are long and the moments are painful. If it is possible to die of a broken heart, then I am shocked that I am still here. But for Aaron Jr's sake, I am glad I am still here. He brings the light and joy in each day.

I don't know why I have been asked to endure these trials. I might never know in this life... but what I do know is that we will not be asked to endure any trial that is more difficult than what our Father in Heaven knows we can endure. I guess He knows more about my strength than I do. I am grateful to our Savior for His atoning sacrifice. He knows firsthand what pain and sorrow we all experience... He will walk with us every step of the way if we let Him. I am sure He wept as I wept.

Anyhow, obviously today was hard. With Mother's Day coming up, I am hoping to feel Aaron close and have a beautiful day with Aaron Jr.

I love you Aaron ... as always...

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Anonymous said...

I am sitting here reading your latest entry crying my eyes out for you. I am so sorry for what you have to go through and I think of you and pray for you often. I was just listening to one of my sister's favorite songs entitled "Borrow Mine" by Bebo Norman. If you have a chance listen to it, because if I could carry even some small part of your grief for you, I would, as I'm sure so many others would also who have gotten to know you even a little through this site. I am so sorry!


Tammy said...

I am so sorry. I hope that things will start to be better for you. It truly is something that you have to face one breath at a time. Words cannot explain how much I ache for you and I wish that I could say something that will help you, but I don't know what that would be. Just know that I am praying and thinking about you everyday.

Kristal and Jason said...

Tammy said it perfectly...I ache for you and wish I could say something that would help. I can feel the strength and faith you have in your writings. You have wells of unknown strength and faith that the Lord is starting now to show to you. Don't give up.

Sasha Fisher said...

"Jesus wept." I love that scripture because Jesus knew he could bring Lazarus back to life and stop the grieving, but before doing so he showed love and compassion by grieving with his friends. I wish so much to take away the pain. You are in my prayers and thoughts. As I read your blog I wish I could be there to give you a hug or a kleenex Just know that you are loved by many.

LL said...

Leslie~i'm so sorry! I can't even think of anything else to say, other than I'm sorry!
thinking of you on this Mothers Day.

E and T said...

Leslie, my heart aches for you and I desperately wish there was something I could do, or say, to ease your pain.

Leslie, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Liz said...

I kept driving by your house, I figured something had gone wrong. I am sorry. I will call you on Mon. I figure that you are with family today.
Love you.

Mindy said...

We read in Mosiah today where it says "surely he has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows" (from Isaiah). It hit me so hard today, that He knows our sorrows so intimately. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I am so glad that you have Him to help you through.

Anonymous said...

If I could take some of your burden and grief from you, and give you some peace and some joy, I would do it in a heart beat.

Take one breath and one minute at a time, and hold on tight to Aaron Junior.

So much love and so many wishes for you.



Valeri said...

Perhaps you won't understand in this life why you were given such difficult battles to face. But take comfort in knowing how incredibly special and strong you must be if Heavenly Father is allowing you to endure these trials. Someday it will all make sense. For now, try to take comfort in being reminded of your beautiful son, your beautiful life together, and the memories of your beautiful husband that you will have forever.

Happy Mother's Day, Leslie. We are thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Happy Mother's Day, Leslie.
I pray you had a good day.
I am so sorry for your pain.

Seesalou said...

thank you for sharing that familiar story from Jesus' life and ministry. there are so many things we can learn from His life...and i learned something tonight. it's amazing how much you cal learn from the scriptures depending on what is going on in your life at the moment. thank you for pointing that out to me...that Jesus suffers with you and all of us. i love you very much.

Karey said...

In preparation for a sacrament meeting talk next week, I'm reading the book "The Broken Heart" by Elder Bruce Hafen. He reminds us that the atonement wasn't JUST for sinners. Of course that part of the atonement is important for all of us since we all fall way short of perfection, but he also suffered for our broken hearts, our sorrows, our trials, our anguish. Rely on him and let the atonement help you through this hard time.

I love you!

Matchbox Mom said...

Oh Leslie!!! We are all weeping for you too, hon. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are not alone. So many of my prayers and thoughts are for you and your handsome prince you've got there.
We love you.


dani said...

dear, sweet leslie...
to cast your burdens upon HIM doesn't mean that you walk away like nothing has happened, if that were the case JESUS would not have wept over lazarus.
weeping is as necessary in grief as air and water are for survival.
weep, leslie, weep!!! and if you need to, weep some more... it's all a part of healing and is in no way a reflection of the amount of faith you have.
love and prayers,

Everyday's a Holiday! said...

Leslie, I hope you are feeling better today. I cant imagine all you must feel from day to day. I heard a quote from Dr. Laura that hit me after years of struggling with my Dad's death, but I do not for one minute compare my loss to yours. I know that Aaron would want you to be happy, yet never stop missing him, and defiantly heal the way you need to heal for however long that may be. If friends like myself can help you get through it, please allow us! i love you Leslie!

Anonymous said...

Hi Leslie, just checking in on you and hoping you have had a better week than last. Thinking of you and always wishing.

Love, Jane

yellowoman said...

Thinking often of you my friend and it's good to hear your heart again. I love to read of your love for your soul mate, and your unwavering faith in what is handed to you. Thank you for not flowering up what you feel. I love the real you and am grateful to know that you are aware of a loving Savior who's atonement will surely make up for all our losses. I love you!

dani said...

hi, leslie...
i was just stopping by to say that i am thinking about you and aaron jr...
love and prayers,

Anonymous said...

I said a prayer for you and Aaron Jr. today.

christa said...

Hey there, I hope you are feeling a little better. It seems like everyday brings a new challenge. We need to get little Aaron together with my kiddos. Hey, if you end up getting together with Aaron's friends sometime, you should let Steve know, he'd probably really love to be around them. Know that we are thinking of you.