Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Eleven Months...

* * * * * * * * * *


Well, I thought this photo was appropriate this month since Aaron Jr. has been talking about how his Daddy is fishing lately.

Eleven months, WHAT?!?!?! As the year anniversary approaches, I am getting more and more emotional again. I have been able to go days without showing much emotion about the everything, but as the one year mark approaches, I am crying more and feeling much more like I did in the beginning after Aaron first passed away. The original emotions are coming out a little more knowing we are approaching the time when Aaron will have been gone a full year. We are approaching the time of year again when our final memories with Aaron happened a year ago. All year long, I have been able to show photos of what we were doing last year, or a couple years ago... but after November 29th, we will no longer be able to look back a year ago and have any memories of us with Aaron. I hate that.

I was talking to my sister in law, April, yesterday and I told her that I wished I could have FIVE do overs with Aaron. I wish I could choose FIVE experiences I had with Aaron and do them again. At first, I thought I would want to do over the greatest of our experiences together. Maybe take our honeymoon again and have it be the same as it was and just be able to relive it again. But, then I thought about it for a moment and I realized that those memories of our good times together were already great to look back on. So, I decided that I would actually choose FIVE of our worst experiences together and do them over. There are so many regrets I have that come with the passing of Aaron, I would want to go back and redo those times when things could have been better if we had known what we know now. Those bad memories could be changed into wonderful memories. I would love to have FIVE do overs. BUT, since I can't, all I can do is decide now to learn from those regrets and not have those regrets with anyone else in my life. Life is precious and how we choose to live it is precious. We don't know how long our loved ones will be with us... no matter what... it will always feel like they were taken WAY too soon.

We love you, Aaron... truly...

* * *

18 comments:

Miss Heather said...

You have been so strong the last 11 months. Stronger than I could be, I know that. I am impressed with your testimony, your attitude, the way you take care of Aaron Jr. and everything you're handling. Thank you for being a great example.

Tabitha said...

Yet again I have read this with tears in my eyes.
You have been so strong and continue to be so. Aaron would be so proud of you and how you are keeping his memory alive. From what I have read in the short time I have been visiting your blog ~ I have learnt so much about Aaron and your life with him ~ and I thank you so much for sharing that.
Thinking of you Leslie, and sending much love. Take care XXXXX

Anonymous said...

This whole thing sucks big time.

So wish I could grant all your wishes. As my litle Charlotte says "I wish for more wishes".

Just imagine all of us linking hands and holding you up....if it helps.

Love to you,

Jane

kristen said...

Gee you're brave.
BIG HUGS

Sarah said...

While I cannot imagine what you have gone through, you have been so strong even though it may not feel like it. You have shared your feelings, your testimony, your fears, and your hopes. Aaron Jr. will always love you for keeping it together as you have. You have lived everyday (maybe not as much as you had) but you went on and continued being an awesome mom who has always kept Aaron close. You have been raising your son with the knowledge of what life is and how to live with what you get. You're a true example to us all and we wish you the best this coming month (and more!). You are in many prayers...even mine, a complete stranger. Hang in there!

Seesalou said...

it's hard to believe. time has gone slow and fast, i guess. many of us wish we could have some do overs. you are not alone. but all we can do is try to live better for it. we love you and hope you are having some fun. give junior a kiss.

dani said...

no regrets, leslie... just remember the good. for it was those regrettable times that made the good times so good:)
much love,
dani

LL said...

thank you for the reminders of the important things in life. You amaze me!
And I LOVE the Aaron Jr. says his dad is fishing...
I can't believe it will be a year next month...It's been touching to see your strength increase as time goes on. I know you're still hurting, but you are handling things so incredibly well!
Thanks you for sharing your gorgeous smile with us!
Thinking of you

k.m.b. said...

regrets and all, I know you love him and I know he loves you right back. For EVERYTHING, not just the good times. hang in there. You're truly amazing. You're stronger than you think.

Mindy said...

I love the way your posts make me think, Leslie. There are many things in my life I wish I could do over, but I like thinking about how I can change what is to come. I'll be praying for you especially as the year mark comes up... I'm sure it will be hard. Love you!

Kristi said...

Wow, 11 months. It is so strange to think about last year and how we were all stunned by the news of his passing. Life changed completely for you and now 11 months later it seems like so much has happened since then.
We love you guys so much and miss having you here with us.
Tell April good luck with the baby.

E and T said...

Hi Leslie

I will be praying for you as Aaron's one year anniversary approaches.

I once read on Sheye Rosemeyers blog a quote that she had in a post. This was something that someone had said to her a week after she suddenly and tragically lost her precious little girl, Ava. Sheye was told "the biggest offset to paralysing grief is appreciation - even just a little - for what remains". Every time I read your blog, I always am so inspired by the way that you still see beauty, good and the positive in the world. I admire your strength.

Lots of love
Elise

BeckyinQC said...

Oh Leslie, I can so relate! My one year mark with DeLanee was very hard as well. I think the anticipation of the day was worse than the actual day. It was around Christmas time (she passed on Jan. 28th) for me that I was doing my "anticipating" and I remember Christmas being totally different that year. I hated hearingr the Christmas carols playing that year and didn't want to be involved in any celebrating. Each year since then has gotten better though. Getting past that one year mark was a big trial, but also a blessing.

As you have endured this past year, you have done so with such faith and strength that has inspired us. I feel very blessed to have been able to be a recipient of your tremendous example.

You can tell Aaron, Jr. that his daddy IS fishing. He is a fisher of men as he does our Heavenly Father's work on the other side. Little Aaron his it right on the head. What a sweetie!

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers during this next month.

Jyl said...

Such a good reminder Les, As I got frustrated with my husband last night even.,. You are an inspiration. and through your words I hope to not regret the things I am prone to do and say. I love you ,and I am so proud of you, you have come so far through this experience.

Marc and Megan said...

I really appreciate this post... it is inspiring to want to embrace life more fully and love those dear to us more deeply. I'm so sorry that you have to face this challenge. I can't imagine at all what it must be like. I'm so grateful for your willingness to share your journey, as it is helping me to want to be better and keep a clearer perspective of life. My thoughts and prayers are with you....

Joann said...

Wow! 11 months. I just can't believe the year mark is approaching. I will be thinking of you a lot in this coming month. Love you, Leslie! Let's get together again, soon.

Anonymous said...

Your Aaron passed away on the day of my friend Julie's funeral, if I remember correctly. Her oldest daughter just turned 8, yesterday. You and Brendan have so much in common in your trials you are enduring. You should try emailing him again. I will send you his email address. Maybe you can be a positive for him or him for you, in some small way.
Blessings to you and Aaron Jr. I pray to help you endure this next month with the least amount of pain and sorrow. I can't imagine how hard it is but my heart aches for you all the same.
Rita

Anonymous said...

Leslie,
I have been reading your blog for six months now. I found your blog from the misson web site. I served way before you. Anyway when I started reading your blog I just felt drawn to it and couldn't stop checking in every day to see your words of wisdom. To my amazment I am now preparing to loose my husband (he has stage 4 colon cancer and has a few months to live) your words inspire me everyday to live out the rest of our days together in the best way. Thank you for all your thoughts and insights! You truly are my hero.
Stephanie
Kennynin@aim.com