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I have been struggling lately with trying really hard to prove that I am being strong, but also feeling this turmoil inside of me because I feel like I am falling to pieces. It is still so difficult to be here alone in this life. Alone meaning... without the other half of me.
When I read my scriptures or even just think in my mind about what I need to do to prove to God that I can do this, I feel this sense of duty... the duty that I need to prove that I can find joy in any situation, through any trial. I wake up each day with a sense of renewed hope that the day is going to bring something new and exciting, something great that is going to bring me the courage to keep going... the hope that my life can be whole again.
Then each day goes like all the rest and I am sorely disappointed at the end of the day that my life still feels like it is hanging in the balance, like I am in limbo.
I emailed another widow yesterday to ask her how long she had been a widow and if she had remarried yet and how long it took for her life to start feeling normal again. The words she wrote back to me are exactly how I have felt for so many months. The feelings where you think you are doing great, but then you hit a bump and everything feels so wrong again, then you feel like you are doing pretty good for a bit, then once again, you feel like your world is crashing down around you yet again... and again... and again... and again... and again...
She said that she didn't feel like life was normal again until she found love again and was remarried. Then the routine of life came again and normal felt normal again. Of course these are not her exact words... but basically, this is exactly how I have felt lately. I have felt as though life can't feel normal again, until our broken little family becomes a complete family again... someday.
I am not trying to have a pity party for myself. I am just wanting to express some feelings that are deep inside of me that are complete opposites of each other... that seem to be driving a wedge inside that is tearing me apart. I feel like my emotions are in a constant battle and I can't seem to get a handle on the contention between them. I feel such turmoil and heartache, but then on the other hand... I DO feel peace as well and want so badly to show on the outside the peace that I AM feeling on the inside... but I feel like the turmoil is what comes out most of the time. It is so difficult to explain.
I don't even know why it is possible to feel them both at the same time. I guess the feelings of turmoil come when I focus my thoughts on THIS life and the elements of this life that scare me when I think of doing it all alone. But the feelings of peace come when I focus my thoughts on the life to come and the blessings and joys of eternity that I will receive when I get there.
Why is it so easy for us to focus our energy more on the here and now and so difficult to focus our energy on the wonderful things to come if we live worthy of those blessings?
It goes right along with a quote that I have loved most of my life... 'Don't give up what you want MOST, for what you want at the moment.' It doesn't mean that I am wanting something now that is going to ruin my chances at what I want most, but it does go along with focusing on the here and now instead of the blessings to come.
There is a scripture that I love. Ether 12:6 which reads:
'... ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.'
I guess I just need to increase my faith and trust in my Father in Heaven. I am sure He has great things in store for me. It is difficult for me to understand, but I know He does have wonderful blessings in my future.
My sister in law, Kristi, told me about an article in this month's Ensign that she thought I should read. I just read it and it opened my eyes again to the focus I need to have as I endure this trial in my life. Thank you Kristi. The author of this article was also a young widow. The title is 'Putting my Hand in the Lord's'. As soon as I read the title, I felt something. In the past, I have had a very personal experience regarding taking the Lord's hand and letting him guide me that helped me through another trial in my life. I need to remember the things that I learn.
Anyhow, in this article, the experience of Joseph Smith was talked about when he asks the Lord how much more he is going to have to endure. The Lord responds with this answer in Doctrine and Covenants 122:
'... if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?'
Basically, the reason I wanted to write this tonight was just to try to give myself a pep talk. I know what I need to do. I know what is expected of me. I know I am going through this trial to prepare me in this life for whatever else will be required of me. I know I need this experience to prepare me for what is to come. I am in the refiner's fire... being shaped and molded into what the Lord needs me to be. So, what does He need me to learn from all of this? That is what I need to find out.
And now, as I sit here sobbing, I am feeling the inadequecies of my mortality, but in a moment, I will pray and I will feel the strength that comes from trusting in my Father in Heaven. There is joy and peace and happiness and experience yet to be had and I want it all. I miss Aaron. I always will. There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled here, but I can endure it. I am being given strength that is not my own. The Lord wants me to succeed and that gives me courage and hope.
Now, the next step is to find out what I need to do to serve the Lord will all of my heart, might, mind, and strength... that is where true happiness will come from. I hope and pray that I can begin to seek for the lessons I need to learn from this trial instead of feeling like I am being tossed around by it.
'I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.'
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