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I haven't written for a while, so I thought I would put down a few thoughts today.
The past couple of months have been a whirlwind. Once November hit, life became a blur. Knowing that the one year anniversary was coming up at the end of the month, that month was just really emotional and I don't remember much about it. The end of the month brought with it mixed emotions. Of course, the sorrow of the anniversary coming, but also a hope for my future. I had been wanting to have that whole first year to mourn properly and not have to worry about worldly things that bring stress and worry. I didn't want to worry about how I was going to pay bills and make ends meet, I just wanted to be Aaron Jr's stay at home mommy still and take the time to truly mourn the loss of my husband. Once the anniversary came, I felt more of an urgency to try to figure out life. An urgency to figure out finances and also to figure out where I wanted my future to go. I had a bright hope for things to come... or at least I was trying to have it.
December was also a whirlwind. The beginning of December was one of the most joyful and happy times for me since Aaron passed away. Once the middle of the month hit, I felt a heartache again that I hadn't felt for a while. I won't go into any of the details about why.
Then getting ready for a holiday that I didn't really want to come... Christmas was just not feeling like Christmas again this year. I went about the usual steps... decorating a tree, putting out the Christmas decor... but I still wasn't feeling it. On Christmas Eve and Christmas, it was lovely to be with family, but the absense of Aaron was truly felt. Watching the other kids with their Dads is always difficult for me knowing that Aaron Jr. doesn't have that. Surrounded by people, but still feeling an overwhelming loneliness.
Last night, I went to dinner with some friends that I hadn't seen for so long. Kerianne and her husband Charlie were there as well. Josh and Al (and Al's wife, Emily). These old friends are two of my best guy friends in the whole world. They can make you laugh so hard without even trying. I laughed all night as we talked about old memories. I came home on cloud nine after such a fun night.
Then I crashed. Aaron Jr. went to sleep and I layed there next to him sobbing as I hit one of my lows. I don't expect that it will always be like this, I do have hope for my future, but right now the feelings of loneliness are truly difficult to bear. I am not someone who has ever liked to be alone in life. Of course, the occasional hike in the mountains by myself is needed and desired, but as far as being alone, I am not built for it. I miss Aaron and I am so very lonely here without him.
I pray that my future, the future I have hopes for, whatever it may be, comes sooner than later...
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