Saturday, January 10, 2009

Just Checking In...

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I haven't written for a while, so I thought I would put down a few thoughts today.
The past couple of months have been a whirlwind. Once November hit, life became a blur. Knowing that the one year anniversary was coming up at the end of the month, that month was just really emotional and I don't remember much about it. The end of the month brought with it mixed emotions. Of course, the sorrow of the anniversary coming, but also a hope for my future. I had been wanting to have that whole first year to mourn properly and not have to worry about worldly things that bring stress and worry. I didn't want to worry about how I was going to pay bills and make ends meet, I just wanted to be Aaron Jr's stay at home mommy still and take the time to truly mourn the loss of my husband. Once the anniversary came, I felt more of an urgency to try to figure out life. An urgency to figure out finances and also to figure out where I wanted my future to go. I had a bright hope for things to come... or at least I was trying to have it.
December was also a whirlwind. The beginning of December was one of the most joyful and happy times for me since Aaron passed away. Once the middle of the month hit, I felt a heartache again that I hadn't felt for a while. I won't go into any of the details about why.
Then getting ready for a holiday that I didn't really want to come... Christmas was just not feeling like Christmas again this year. I went about the usual steps... decorating a tree, putting out the Christmas decor... but I still wasn't feeling it. On Christmas Eve and Christmas, it was lovely to be with family, but the absense of Aaron was truly felt. Watching the other kids with their Dads is always difficult for me knowing that Aaron Jr. doesn't have that. Surrounded by people, but still feeling an overwhelming loneliness.
Last night, I went to dinner with some friends that I hadn't seen for so long. Kerianne and her husband Charlie were there as well. Josh and Al (and Al's wife, Emily). These old friends are two of my best guy friends in the whole world. They can make you laugh so hard without even trying. I laughed all night as we talked about old memories. I came home on cloud nine after such a fun night.
Then I crashed. Aaron Jr. went to sleep and I layed there next to him sobbing as I hit one of my lows. I don't expect that it will always be like this, I do have hope for my future, but right now the feelings of loneliness are truly difficult to bear. I am not someone who has ever liked to be alone in life. Of course, the occasional hike in the mountains by myself is needed and desired, but as far as being alone, I am not built for it. I miss Aaron and I am so very lonely here without him.
I pray that my future, the future I have hopes for, whatever it may be, comes sooner than later...

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18 comments:

Jen said...

Leslie~

I have been meaning to email you, but with the holidays, well you know.

Shawn will be gone for 5 months next week. I know I have so much left to feel and to grieve for. But I too have never been so lonely in my life. It is such a horrible feeling. I almost hate to go places sometimes because it hurts so much to see those "happy couples". I want to be that happy couple once again. This is a heart ache I have never experienced before in my life. It is the worst feeling and people can't understand the pain, until they are living it.

I will try to email you in the next few days.

Ginny said...

my thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and i wish you the best as you continue to transition into this "new life" while holding onto the best pieces of what was before.

please know your tender thoughts and testimony help strangers and friends alike as you share them!!

thank you again,

a local stranger

Brandy said...

Leslie, if you don't mind shooting me your email address, I'd like to chat with you about my current situation. It might help to know that others are going through some of what you are, just not on such a grand (and very painful) level.
I wish you happiness always, comfort from your pain, and Aaron Jr. to NEVER stop kissing you.

Brandy said...

If you'd like you can email me at brandyheiner@hotmail.com

Matchbox Mom said...

Sweet Leslie! I can't help but hurt for you hon. You are not alone, and hope that the future holds what you need and want. Love you even tho we're strangers...

Tam

dani said...

oh, leslie, i hate that you crashed; when i first read that, i thought you meant you just went to bed... so sorry for the lonliness, i cannot even imagine.
love and a prayer,
dani

Tabitha said...

Thinking of you Leslie and sending much love to you.XXX

Momza said...

leslie,
There are better days ahead. And they will be sweet and joy-filled.
Be of good cheer. You are not forgotten.
"Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."
May you feel the Lord's love for you in those low moments.
Sending good thoughts and prayers.

Mindy said...

I ache for you, Leslie, and know that it would be so hard to be alone. I hope your future comes soon, and I hope you can find ways to make your finances and all that stuff work out. There is so much still to live for, and you are such an inspiration to others... you will definitely bring more joy to this world throughout the years. Love you!

Marc and Megan said...

There is an element of loneliness that has come with some of life's challenges that we've experienced, but I know it is nothing compared to the loneliness that you must feel. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry that you've had to go through something so hard. I want you to know, though, that I continue to be inspired and blessed by your perspective and faith. May the choicest of the Lord's blessings come flowing into your life. love and hugs to you.

Allred Mom said...

Leslie..I'm glad that you were able to have some stress relief with your friends, but I'm so sorry that you had a rough night afterwards. I hope and pray for you that the future that you are hoping for comes sooner, too! I know that with every trial, comes a blessing that we never could imagine because the heartache and pain of the trial are overwhelming. May you feel those special blessings that are in store for you soon. A big hug for you!

Anonymous said...

Love and hugs, my friend. Love and hugs.

Jane

Joann said...

I am so sorry you have had such a rough few weeks. I feel a little at fault for that. I keep saying "Let's get together," then I never follow through. I DO hope, however that you know that I pray for you and Aaron Jr. often. You are utterly amazing!

Kristi said...

For me there always seems to be a let down after all of the excitement of Christmas is over. I am sure that that let down is magnified 100 times when you are getting back into normal life, but without Aaron. I am so sorry. We will continue to pray for you. I wish we could be there with you to help with the loneliness. We love you.

Vanessa and Kara said...

Whilst I cannot understand the pain you feel, I can understand the loneliness that comes with missing somebody you love so dearly. It's awful and it's so difficult to put into words.

I hold so much hope for you Leslie ~ from just reading your blog, it's obvious the strength that you hold and I truly believe that will get you through. That and your absolutely gorgeous little man.

xx

Jennifer Bowman said...

My prayers are with you and your son.

cynphil6 said...

You are so courageous! I think it takes a great amount of courage to imagine a life with hopes and dreams even though it is not whatyou had planned on.
Your messages of hope and strength
are gifts to so many!
Bless you!

Karey said...

Sorry things have been hard lately. I know the struggles you've gone through the last year + and the ones you're going through now are awful and frustrating. Be happy and look ahead. Things will be okay. I love you. Loved having you over last night and today.