I was at my sister's house last week and they have not yet put grass in their yard so there are lots of rocks all over the place. I was standing on her driveway talking to her and I looked down and this rock caught my attention. It was sitting pretty much like this and I couldn't believe how much it looked like a heart and it happened to be broken this way as well. So, I picked it up and I took some photos of it.
Of course, a broken heart is no stranger to me over the past couple of years... so when I found it, I could not help but think about the lesson it could teach.
Anyone who has experienced loss of any kind knows what it feels like to have a broken heart. I never truly knew what a broken heart felt like until Aaron passed away. I thought I knew, but I had no idea until that time. I literally felt like my heart had broken not only emotionally, but physically as well. The physical pain I felt was as real as the emotional pain I was experiencing. At times, I still feel the physical pain along with the emotional pain because Aaron is not here with us.
I was told time and time again in the beginning that someday, my heart would heal and I would be okay. In the beginning and for a long time after that, I didn't want my heart to heal... I didn't want to be okay. I don't know if my heart will ever completely heal, but I do know now that it is true... Jesus Christ heals us... if we let Him.
The healing that comes through the power of Jesus Christ is real, it is powerful, and it is within our grasp... each of us. All we have to do is allow Him to do what He has promised to do. Even though He has promised to heal our hearts and bring us peace and comfort... we still have to do our part by ALLOWING Him into our hearts and ALLOWING Him to bring us the comfort and peace and the healing that He so wants to bring to us. I have learned that lesson more in the past 17 months than ever.
Why is it that when when we lose someone close to us, we feel like in order for us to remember that person, we have to feel the pain over and over and over and cling to the pain with all of our might? Why is it that we feel as though our pain is what shows the world how much we love that person and if we try to move forward and find joy in this life, we are somehow dishonoring their memory? I know I have been guilty of this. I am still human and I am still stubborn at times to keep holding on to my pain and grief with both hands just to show myself and others that it still hurts and that I still miss Aaron... but if there is anything that the atonement of our Savior teaches us, it is that He did this suffering for us already. It doesn't mean that we should not feel any pain or that we are expected to move forward quickly after something like this, but it does mean that in order to truly show honor to the person we are missing, we need to live a life filled with joy as we remember the amazing memories we have with them and create new ones with those that are left behind. We need to decide to accept the offering of our Savior to take our burdens upon Himself, and we need to let go of them so that they aren't being carried by us both. That would be a waste. He is waiting and hoping to take our pain and heartache upon Himself so that we can truly learn to trust in Him and have faith in His promises.
I am eternally grateful for the selfless love of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the peace, the comfort, and the healing that He brings to me each day. Life... it is a work in progress and it takes time, but the Savior continues to heal my broken heart and bind my wounds. I still struggle and I still fall, we all do, and He knows we will... but He is there to lift us up, bear our burdens, and walk beside us to the end.
'He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.'
-Psalms 147:3
We will always love and miss Aaron, and it will make him so happy when he can see those of us who love him finding joy and happiness here in this life even while we love him and miss him.
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16 comments:
Thank you so much for your words. You are truly amazing. I have watched you go through this process and I can tell you are healing...slowly but surely you are doing exactly what you are believing.
I needed to hear this. My dad is remarrying this summer and I have had such a hard time with it. But you are right. I wouldn't want him to hurt just to prove to me that he really does miss my mom and love her.
I hope you too will find pure joy and happiness in this life. And if anyone ever doubts your feelings for Aaron or how much you miss him they just have to read your blog for the last 17 months. You have honored your sweet Aaron well.
I'm so glad you found that rock... what a beautiful symbol of what you have endured, and the healing that has happened in your heart so far. Your words are beautiful, Leslie. Love you!
I loved this. You are going through things that I hope I never have to. I am glad that you are sharing this experience of healing and grieving through your blog. It is beautiful to see you get a little bit stronger and whole again piece by piece through the power of the atonement.
What a sweet little miracle. I think the Lord blesses us with little things like this to help us reflect on our lives. I am so grateful for your posts and most of all for your example. I know the Lord will heal your broken heart. I thin he has already started. Thanks so much for your friendship, Leslie. You "ROCK!"
What lovely words, I can tell they are from deep within your own heart. Like everyone who reads your blog, I too hope one day your heart mends.
Much love and thoughts,
Em
I so admire you!!!
Still think of you everyday~love you Leslie.
Oh Leslie, my Aunt called me today and said youmust go read your blog friends blog. As I did I thought to myself, she could not have said any of that more perfectly. Mercy girl you can write so well. I am still at the point where I do not want to feel better because in a sense I feel like that is accepting what has happened and ultimately moving on...Thank you for this post and I hope you do not mind if I link my blog readers to this post, it is so powerful.......
Thinking of you
Kate and Alek
Leslie,
What a beautiful post.
I have always enjoyed finding heart rocks and never thought of the message that a broken one could teach us.
Thank you for turning such a simple thing into such a powerful example and teaching moment.
I can't believe it has been 17 months since you lost Aaron and since I found you.
Amazing. It doesn't feel that long. And yet it does.
Always with love,
Jane
Hi Leslie- you dont know me but I found your blog and I think you are a real inspiration- I saw this and thought of you- I think Aaron is watching over you and lil' Aaron like a guardian angel.
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out eulogies,
For death was in the air.
A mother, trapped inside her car,
was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air: 'Oh, God, please spare my boys!'
She fought to loose her pinned hands; she struggled to get free,
but mangled metal held her fast
in grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat once had been, but all she saw was broken glass and two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, 'Oh, God, don't let them die! '
Then firemen came and cut her loose, but when they searched the back, they found therein no little boys, but the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad and was traveling alone,
but when they turned to question her, they discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise,
In beseeching supplication,
'Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts; their jeans are blue to match.'
One cop spoke up, 'They're in my car, and they don't have a scratch. They said their daddy put them there, and gave them each a cone, then told them both to wait for Mom To come and take them home. I've searched the area high and low, but I can't find their dad. He must have fled the scene, I guess, and that is very bad.'
The mother hugged the twins and said, while wiping at a tear,
'He could not flee the scene, you see, for he's been dead a year.' The cop just looked confused and asked,
'Now, how can that be true?'
The boys said, 'Mommy, Daddy came And left a kiss for you.'
'He told us not to worry'
'And that you would be all right,'
'And then he put us in this car with the pretty, flashing light.'
'We wanted him to stay with us,'
'Because we miss him so,'
'But Mommy, he just hugged us tight'
And said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand
'And told us not to fuss,'
'And he said to tell you, Mommy,'
'He's watching over us.'
The mother knew without a doubt
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words,' I will watch over you.'
The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.
But on the cop's report was scribed, In print so very fine,
"An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109. "
It is in our weaknesses we find our strengths...you are so strong, Leslie.
May we all remember the road you have carved with your heart and follow it home.
You don't know me but a friend of my mother-in-law gave me this blog to look up. My husband died a year ago on April 21st in a motorcycle accident. I have one little boy and I always call him my mini Kirt because he is just like his daddy. He is 2 1/2 right now. You are such an inspiration - and the words that you write are exactly what I needed to read. I completly understand what you mean by living a broken heart emotionally and physically it is no stranger to me also. You are so amazing keep living the way that you are!! I hope you don't mind me reading - but your testimony is helping me!!! Thanks
Tiffany Mendenhall
Leslie,
My name is Jenn Allen, I am Amanda Hatch's sister. I have followed your blog for a while. I think you are amazing. As we struggled last year with the death of my mom, your blogs were so helpful and so inspiring. It helped me realize that everyone has their own trials and I wouldn't want to trade mine for anyone else's. I truly believe the Lord will only give us what we can handle. You have truly been an inspiration. Your blog today was truly inspired and meant for me today. My heart is broken and I miss my mom so much, it is hard to imagine moving on. But I know that she would want us too. You have honored Aaron well and you are doing a great job raising your soon. Thanks for your words today. They have made a difference in my life.
Leslie,
I'm not much of a blog reader, but I just spent about two hours reading your whole freaking blog! I was reading the part about Aaron and Ode. I remember sitting on our back patio. Everyone was over for a BBQ. I remember Aaron was sitting next to me. I always enjoyed talking with him. I had asked him where he found Ode. He told me the story of how he got Ode. It's strange, I had a dream about him the other day. So I wanted to look up your blog tonight. I miss him. I feel for you. It's so emotional reading all of those entries. I love you and Aaron Jr. He was really sweet tonight. If you ever need a break and need some time to yourself let him come and play with my kids. He would have fun. I love you guys. This life is not easy is it. Taking it one day at a time makes it a little less daunting. If you ever need anything just call. Love,
Maria
Hi Leslie, just wanted to check in and say hello.
Love,
Jane
Cameron always asks me why I'm crying when I look at your blog. It's a happy cry.
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