'after the manner of happiness'

~ 2 Nephi 5:27 ~

I've read this verse hundreds of times, I'm sure... but this time it jumped out at me like it never has, and not just because of the big blue smiley face I had drawn over it years ago. There was a time in my life when I felt like the light within me / the happiness I felt inside of me could be seen by all of those around me. People would randomly tell me that I'm always smiling when they see me. Even Aaron wrote in a letter to me while I was on my mission and while he was on his mission... that as teenagers, he would watch me from afar and could see that there was light and happiness inside of me and it made him desire the same thing. I wish I could remember his exact words, I'll have to dig that letter out and read it again. I was always happy to hear things like this because I felt like if light shined from me and if people could tell I was happy, it would reflect the the light of the Savior and they might be able to feel the love of the Savior through me somehow. Well, after the trials of life started to weigh heavier on me than I ever imagined possible, I know my light and happiness has faded... and I think the reason this scripture hit me harder this time is because I know in my heart that I'm not letting my light and happiness reflect the light and love of the Savior. My desire to reflect that light hasn't changed, but my ability has been somewhat halted by the weight of my burdens over the years. I desire to change that. I plan to change that... to "live after the manner of happiness" even through undesirable circumstances in my life.