Happy Birthday, Bruce !

* * * * * * * * * * * * *






Today is my older brother, Bruce’s birthday. Bruce passed away when he was 16 years old in a car accident. He is the 4th of the 11 children in my family and he is a very important part of our family even still. He is talked about often and remembered every day. He was very kind and a good example to those around him. He played any sport he could possibly be a part of and excelled in them. I often wonder what he would be like now and what his wife and children would be like. We miss and love him dearly.
Aaron never knew Bruce because he had passed away already when I met Aaron. Aaron heard stories about Bruce and spoke of him with admiration.
The night Aaron passed away in November, it went through my mind that Aaron was finally meeting Bruce, whom he had never met before. When we were sitting in the hospital beside Aaron that evening, Aaron’s mom, Sue, looked up at me and said that Aaron and Bruce had finally met. It meant a lot to me that she would say that. It has actually been a comforting thing to think about… Aaron and Bruce getting to know one another. Both of them waiting patiently for their families to join them someday.

We love you Bruce…
We love you Aaron…

* * *

Aaron Jr.'s Memory...

* * * * * * * * * * *



This is a photo of Aaron's Ford Powerstroke. He loved this truck. This photo was actually taken in September after Aaron Jr. and I washed it for Aaron. The other day, I was outside with Aaron Jr. and a truck went by that sounded like this diesel truck of Aaron's. As it went by, Aaron Jr. said really excitedly... 'Daddy!' It was so sweet. It reminded me of when Aaron Jr. and Ode would race to the door and wait there when they would hear Aaron's truck coming down the street. You could hear it and feel the vibrations from it sometimes. I am SO glad that Aaron Jr. is remembering things about his Dad.

* * *

Happy February 14...

* * * * * * * * * * * *
To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.
-Karen Sunde




Aaron LOVES Ford trucks. So, for our first "February 14th" together... I stitched the word 'FORD' on this piece fabric that I cut from of a pair of my old jeans and then made it into a pillow. There were thousands of stitches that went into that word and it took me SO many hours. I think I figured out that it took me more than 20 hours to stitch the word 'FORD' onto that jean fabric. It was worth it, because he loved the pillow and always had it displayed somewhere.


This is a pillow that Aaron made ALL by himself. He stitched the words on it AND sewed it into a heart shaped pillow. The only help I gave him was to show him how to use the sewing machine. He did it all by himself and I didn't see what he had created until it was finished. I treasured it when he gave it to me, I have treasured it ever since he gave it to me, and I will continue to treasure it forever. For those who don't know... 'Eu Te Amo' means 'I love you' in Portuguese. He served his mission in Brasil and was fluent in the Portuguese language.




Don't worry, it is just water in those glasses... or maybe sparkling cider.

Words cannot express the emotions flowing through my soul today... I am sure no one has to wonder how I could be feeling today, so I am not going to say much about it. I just wanted to show photos that I love and that show how I feel about my sweetheart. Aaron and I were never that into celebrating February 14, but I just always felt so safe knowing that I had the person who meant everything to me on that day. We didn't need to celebrate... we just spent the time together. So, today will be lonely without Aaron, but I will focus my attention on Aaron Jr. and we will make sure that we have a fun day together.


I love you always, Menino.

- Menina

* * *

Our Boy Gets A Haircut

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
My sister in law, Suzy, cut Aaron's hair last week. Here are some photos of the big event.


Get Ready...
Suzy is showing the colorful shield thing to Aaron Jr. to get him excited to be there.


Get Set...


Go...
She has sprayed it and combed it down to get it ready to cut. Wow... that is quite a head of hair. When you comb it that way... Help!


To keep Aaron Jr. distracted, Suzy let him spray her water bottle into his own mouth throughout the haircut. It kept him pretty still.


After...
Suzy and Aaron Jr. CHEESE!


This was another day, but I wanted to put a photo of his hair after it had dried to show the true haircut. It is still SO cute I have to say. Still has curl and a lot of body. I love it. He doesn't look that thrilled. He had just woken up and was enthralled in one of his favorites movies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This post reminds me of an experience I had with Aaron a couple of years ago. He was cutting his own hair with those hair clippers that a lot of guys have. Well, when he did this, he would usually call me in to finish up for him and get all of the stray hairs that he had missed and then also to trim the neck area. Well, when I got in there this time, he handed me the clippers and I started down at his neckline and started going up his head like I usually did to find all of the stray hairs. Once I was about two or three inches up his head, I realized that he didn't have an attachment on it anymore and it was cutting so close, almost as close as shaving it. I stopped at once and said, "oh no." So Aaron said, "Leslie, what did you do?"
Well, what had happened was... he took the attachment off and had just planned on me trimming the neck. So, it was a total miscommunication. But I ended up having to just shave up around the rest of his head to make a line where I had left off. I think it was only up to about the middle of his ear. It did look wrong, but I did offer to try to just blend it and make it look okay. He didn't want that, so he said just to make the line up that high... so that is what I did. Needless to say, I don't think I was ever asked to help with his hair again. Actually, I think maybe once or twice, but he was very clear from then on to make sure I knew what he wanted me to start on first.
Luckily, Aaron was able to wear hats to work, so he wore a hat most of the time. He still got teased by a lot of his friends, but he took it well. He never got mad at me... he was a little frustrated, I could tell... but he never got mad. He knew it was an honest mistake and forgave me for it.
It was fun after that happened to offer to cut his hair, though... it would make us both laugh.

I have been a little under the weather lately. I finally went to the doctor yesterday and I have bronchitis. Luckily, I am no longer contagious, but I have to use an inhaler until my lungs are feeling more normal... supposedly 6 to 8 weeks.
Aaron would get bronchitis pretty much every year that I knew him. Last year he had it around this same time and it even turned into pneumonia. I have only ever had it once about ten years ago. It is strange that I never got it from Aaron all of those times he had it, but now I get it this year. I guess it is my turn.

It is strange how EVERYTHING I see or do reminds me of Aaron... even an illness. Time doesn't seem to be healing the sorrow, it still just seems so fresh. But the love and support being shown to us by those who love us and care about us is helping us to feel not quite so alone.
Aaron Jr. is bringing joy to me daily. I am grateful for our sweet little boy. He is a precious gift from a loving Father in Heaven.

We love you Aaron...

* * *

Our Little Cowboy

* * * * * * * * * *



I wanted to get some nice photos of Aaron Jr. in these cowboy clothes before they were too small. When I was pregnant, Aaron and I stayed in this motel on our way home from California where we had just helped Rob & Kaily move. In the motel room, there was this framed picture on the wall of a little child in a cowboy hat and overalls standing by a barn door. Even though we didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl yet, I told Aaron that I wanted to take a photo of our child in cowboy clothes by a barn and enlarge it and frame it and hang it on our wall. Well, this isn't a barn, it is a shed in our backyard... but Aaron painted it red just a few months ago, so this is where I wanted these photos to be taken. I even waited to get Aaron Jr.'s hair cut until after these were taken because Aaron talked about how he wanted Aaron Jr.'s hair just long enough that his curls could flip out under his hat.
So, I borrowed my brother's nice camera and went with my friend, Shauna, down to take these photos. I took a lot of them, but these are the ones that are my favorites.

Aaron Jr.'s Clothing and where it came from:
Cowboy hat: Aaron's mom
Plaid flannel shirt: Aaron
Black leather vest: Aaron (before we found out if we were having a boy or a girl)
Bolo tie: Aaron's
Cowhide coat: Rob & Kaily
Rope: Aaron
Levi jeans: my sister, Karey
Cowboy boots: Me (at a thrift store near where we live, what a bargain)
Belt: Aaron (just a couple of weeks before he passed away)

















It was cold that day and Aaron Jr. braved the weather like a champ. He has gotten used to the idea of putting on his cowboy clothes. He actually enjoys putting them on now. But, I think it is time to retire a few of the items. They are a little too small now. But we will save them for when Aaron Jr. has a son.

I was sitting in the kitchen today and Aaron Jr. ran to me crying and pointing to his right foot. When he got to me, he said he had hurt his foot (in his language) and he held it up a bit. I asked him if I could kiss it better, so he held it up and I lifted it up. After I kissed his foot, I said "all better" and he ran away smiling and laughing ready to play again.
After he ran away, the thought entered my mind that he has a lot of trust in me. He was hurt and he truly believed that me kissing his foot and telling him it was all better took all of his pain away. He believed it and he let the pain be taken. He believed it because he trusted me.

As I sat there, I realized that it is the same for us, as children of our Father in Heaven. Heavenly Father makes promises to us and it is up to us to put our trust in Him and believe. The difference in these two scenarios is us... not Heavenly Father. Because we don't have the kind of faith that a child has, it is more difficult for us to put our trust in Him than it is for our child to put their trust in us.

Heavenly Father loves me just as I love Aaron Jr. He wants me to be happy just as I want Aaron Jr. to be happy. He doesn't like to see me hurting just as I don't like to see Aaron Jr. hurting. He is there ready to take my pain away just as I am there ready to take Aaron Jr.'s pain away... as much as I can anyway. Aaron Jr. trusts that I can do that for him... it is up to me to trust that my Father in Heaven can do that for me.
It is easier said than done, but we are promised that if we put our trust in Him, He will guide us down the path that will bring us joy.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. -Proverbs 3:5-6

It IS easier said than done. I still struggle to go to sleep at night. I still have lots of moments where I am completely uncomfortable no matter where I am or what I am doing. Right now, I feel like I don't have a place in the world, like I don't belong anywhere. I struggle through each day trying to smile, but feeling so much sorrow inside. So many people have mentioned to me that I am courageous and that I am a strong person... but, I don't feel courageous. In fact, I am scared to death for what my future holds for me in this life. And as far as being strong... I feel like I am collapsing from the inside out. So, any strength I am receiving has to be the Lord sustaining me through this trial. The moments when reality hits me, I feel like I am getting kicked in the stomach and the wind is knocked out of me. In those moments, I have to push reality aside to even function. The pain is still so deep... but I am trying.

This is where trust comes in. I do trust that my pain can be taken away, that is why I pray each night for peace and comfort. It is just so hard to hand it all over at once. I pray each night that Aaron is all right and that he is happy. I do have moments of peace and comfort and those moments are blessings from my Father in Heaven. Aaron Jr. brings me smiles and laughter each day. He is such a blessing in my life. I believe that it is through him that I am being given a lot of my moments of peace and comfort. I am truly grateful for him.

We love and miss you, Aaron...

* * *

Two Months...

* * * * * * * *


I truly cannot believe it has been two months. I have talked to several people today that also cannot believe it. It feels like it has already been an eternity since I have seen Aaron, but when you think about the actual time... TWO MONTHS... that is such a short amount of time.
With how long two months has lasted for me... the rest of my life seems like it will go on forever. And living that long without Aaron... it is a daunting feeling. It hit me today pretty hard... that I haven't even lived half of my life yet. If two months seemed like an eternity... right now imagining what fifty years will be like without him... it is so long.
We had some visits from friends and family today. It was a great distraction for us. I am truly grateful for all of the love being shown to us. I have wanted to mention specifics of what people have done, but there is a list a mile long. I wish I could mention everything in this post, but it is already after 3:00 a.m. and I would be up all night. I hope those people who have done such kind things for us know how grateful we are. Those who we know about and those who have done it anonymously. People are so thoughtful. Nothing has gone unnoticed.


As I was putting Aaron Jr. to bed tonight, I had a sweet experience. He was holding a 4x6 copy of this photo below...


and as he pointed to each person, he said, 'Daddy', 'Mommy', 'Aaron'.


I took the photo from him and gave Aaron a kiss and asked him if he wanted to give Daddy a kiss. Then he took the photo and gave Daddy a kiss. Then he held it close and wrapped his arms around it tight and said, 'hugs'... 'hugs'. It brought on some tender emotions. He is so sweet. At one point, he pointed across the room to one of the many photos that I have framed of our family (one that is almost identical to the one at the beginning of this post) and said 'Daddy', 'Mommy', 'Aaron', 'Ode'. (Ode is our dog.) Then he asked, 'Where's Ode?' I told him that Ode is at home. Then he asked, 'Where's Daddy?' I then told him for the first time that Daddy is with Jesus. Then he repeated the name 'Jesus' a few times. I am sure he doesn't comprehend what that means yet, but it was actually really difficult to say honestly where his Daddy is. I think by telling him that, it made it all feel more real, and I don't like that.
Then there is a calendar that Aaron's mom had made for me for Christmas that has photos in it... Aaron pointed to this photo...


and said, 'Daddy', 'Mommy', then he asked, 'Where's Aaron'? This photo of Aaron and I was in March of 2003 when we went to Disneyland and California Adventure... two years before we even were able to get pregnant with Aaron Jr. It was an interesting exchange because he is realizing that the photos of Aaron and I don't have him in them... I am constantly being amazed each day at what he is learning and realizing. It was sweet that he knew he was missing from that photo.
Later while I was holding him as he fell asleep, he pointed up to this photo of Jesus that is hanging on the wall...


and he said, 'Jesus'.
This painting was given to Aaron Jr. and me by my family right after Aaron passed away. It is a painting by Greg Olsen called 'Walk With Me'. It is framed with a poem beside it that Greg Olsen wrote and it is so beautiful. Aaron's parents also were given this same painting by Aaron's sister. It actually is a perfect one. Aaron loved the outdoors, so this reminds me of all of the trips we took camping, and fishing, and hiking. I believe that each of us goes through times in our lives when we 'walk with the Savior'. I know that He is walking with me helping me to bear this burden in my life.
Some of my family subscribes to something called LDS Daily Gems, which sends an inspiring thought each day to our emails... today's reads:

"Each of us will have our own Fridays--those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death--Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or in the next, Sunday will come. I testify to you that the Resurrection is not a fable. We have the personal testimonies of those who saw Him. Thousands in the Old and New Worlds witnessed the risen Savior. They felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and side. They shed tears of unrestrained joy as they embraced Him."
(Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Sunday Will Come," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 30)

That unrestrained joy that is spoken of is what I look forward to. Imagine the joy that is to come for all of us when we are blessed with the experience of not only embracing our loved ones who have passed away, but also when we are blessed to embrace the Savior.
Those 'Fridays' that it speaks of... I have so many of those days. Days where I miss Aaron so much, I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin. It just seems like there is something terribly wrong in the world. The world doesn't feel right, it feels like a nightmare, where nothing seems to make any sense at all. Days where I feel like it just can't be real... he just can't be gone... I just can't be left here to raise our son without him. Right now, my future seems bleak...
but this 'Sunday' that is spoken of... I know it will come... it has to come. I know that this much pain and sorrow can't overshadow me forever. I know that the sunlight will start to peek through as I cast more and more of my burden upon the Savior. It seems so far away right now, but I know He is there ready and waiting.

The first time I opened my scriptures after the funeral, this is the chapter I turned to and this verse was in that chapter. It hit me pretty hard.

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. - Revelations 3:20

He is ready and waiting... for all of us.

I am grateful for Aaron. I am grateful for the happiness that I know he is enjoying being with those who have gone before him. I know that he wants us to be happy... and for that reason, I want to eventually strive for that happiness. I will miss him always, but Aaron would want us to be happy while missing him. I hope he is understanding that it will take some time though. :)

We love you Aaron... with all of our hearts.

* * *

Gordon B Hinckley

* * * * * * * * * *

1910 - 2008

President Gordon B. Hinckley, who led The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints through twelve years of global expansion, has died at the age of 97.
President Hinckley was the 15th president in the 177-year history of the Church and had served as its president since 12 March 1995.


'I come to you with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we try to “accentuate the positive.” I am asking that we look a little deeper for good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort.' -Gordon B Hinckley


'We are here for a purpose. We shall live after we die, and all of it is a part of eternity, and the key to everlasting life is the Atonement wrought by the Savior.' -Gordon B Hinckley


'Each of us can do a little better than we have been doing. We can be a little more kind. We can be a little more merciful. We can be a little more forgiving. We can put behind us our weaknesses of the past, and go forth with new energy and increased resolution to improve the world about us, in our homes, in our places of employment, in our social activities.' -Gordon B Hinckley

Testimony of Jesus Christ

'And so it is with other elements of this miraculous thing which we call the Restoration of the ancient gospel, the ancient priesthood, and the ancient Church.
This testimony is now, as it has always been, a declaration, a straightforward assertion of truth as we know it. Simple and powerful is the statement of Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon concerning the Lord, who stands at the head of this work:
"And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives!
"For we saw him, even on the right hand of God; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only Begotten of the Father--
"That by him, and through him, and of him, the worlds are and were created, and the inhabitants thereof are begotten sons and daughters unto God" (D&C 76:22­24).

'It is in this spirit that I add my own witness. Our Eternal Father lives. He stands as the great God of the universe, ruling in majesty and power. And yet He is my Father, to whom I may go in prayer with the assurance that He will hear, listen, and answer.
Jesus is the Christ, His immortal Son, who under His Father's direction was the Creator of the earth. He was the great Jehovah of the Old Testament, who condescended to come into the world as the Messiah, who gave His life on Calvary's cross in His wondrous Atonement because He loved us. The work in which we are engaged is their work, and we are their servants, who are answerable to them. Of which I testify, in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.'
-Gordon B Hinckley - 168th Annual General Conference, April 1998


'We know not what lies ahead of us. We know not what the coming days will bring. We live in a world of uncertainty. For some, there will be great accomplishment. For others, disappointment. For some, much of rejoicing and gladness, good health, and gracious living. For others, perhaps sickness and a measure of sorrow. We do not know. But one thing we do know. Like the polar star in the heavens, regardless of what the future holds, there stands the Redeemer of the world, the Son of God, certain and sure as the anchor of our immortal lives. He is the rock of our salvation, our strength, our comfort, the very focus of our faith. In sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us.'
-Gordon B Hinckley

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hearing the news last night that President Hinckley passed away came as a shock. I have not yet shed a tear of sadness, the first thoughts that went through my mind were how happy I was that he was getting to see his wife again. I can only imagine how joyous that reunion was. I thought about my own situation right now and felt like I have a different perspective than I ever used to have. Because he lost his wife a little while ago, I just felt happiness for them being together again. This is how most people I have talked to have been feeling... happy that he is with his sweet wife again.
I then started to think about being with Aaron again and how joyous that reunion will be as well.
President Hinckley has been a source of strength, truth, and love for all of us throughout these years. He has always had such a strong testimony of the gospel and the spirit would testify of the truth of it as you listened to his words. He has always had such a fun sense of humor that brought so much joy to all of us who were blessed to hear his words. I was never able to meet President Hinckley in person, but I saw him speak in person a few times. I sat at the temple dedication of the Houston Temple facing him... sitting only about 10 feet from me. I feel so blessed to have ever been in the same room with him. He has done SO much good throughout the world. He stayed busy doing good for others until the day he left this earth. He is loved and he will be missed. We love you President Hinckley.

* * *

Aaron Jr.

* * * * *
But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God. -Luke 18:16


His cousin, Zach, was outside and he threw a few snowballs at the window... Aaron Jr. was loving it... but this is the photo of choice for the blog since he looks so precious in it.

* * *
So many people, when they ask how I am doing, they also ask how Aaron Jr. is doing. I thought I would let everyone know how Aaron Jr. is doing.

Once things settled down and there weren't as many kids around all of the time, he has asked for Daddy more often. It was a huge blessing that they were around in those first weeks. The kids kept him distracted. It is a blessing that he still sees his cousins often. He sees things that remind him of his Daddy... especially photos since I have always been a photo taking fanatic. There are photos everywhere to remind him of his Daddy. So, he says 'Daddy' more often now.
He has taken photos of our family to bed several times, he has also gone to bed with a framed photo of him and his Daddy.

All in all... I think that Aaron Jr. is doing great. He has always been a really happy little boy. He still laughs A LOT. He teases A LOT. He gets into things he shouldn't A LOT... which sends him to 'time out' OFTEN. He is full of energy ALL of the time. He is always going, going, going and never stops. Well... I guess he does stop eventually... as you will see in one of the photos.
Lots of times when I have been holding him and crying, or if I am tuning the world out while I am deep in thought, he will touch my face very gently until he gets a reaction from me. The reaction is always a smile from me. He is a sweetheart. So, as you can see... he is bringing comfort to me as much as I am trying to bring comfort to him.

These are some photos taken in the last few weeks. Enjoy...


He LOVES watching movies. Right now his movie of choice is 'Stuart Little'.


I just had to get this photo of his hair. It is getting so curly. I used to have curly hair, but I lost a lot of the curls while I was pregnant with Aaron Jr. So, I guess he stole my curls.


Helping Grandma fold socks. Obviously, this photo was taken after sleeping on his hair all night, because it looks like there are no curls at all.


Riding in the car. He loves wearing hats right now. Lucky timing... since it is so cold outside.


I don't know what is on his face. It is probably chocolate... I wonder if he got any in his mouth. Maybe he was wanting a beard like his Daddy.


He gets into the pots and pans and wears them as hats. He doesn't know them by pots and pans... to him they ARE hats.


Bath time in the kitchen sink again.


And this is what happens when I try to keep him from taking a nap during the day (he has been having a hard time going to bed at a normal time lately when he DOES take naps, so I try to keep him up). Once in a while, he crashes on the couch around 6:00 pm... and then I REALLY have a hard time getting him to bed.

Now... more than ever... I pray for comfort. Not only for me, but for Aaron Jr. I believe that Aaron Jr. is being blessed with wonderful dreams at night about his Daddy. I also believe that he is being blessed with a feeling of closeness to his Daddy. And I know that angels are being sent to both of us to comfort us. The scripture from the Bible at the top of this posting shows how much the Savior, Jesus Christ, loves little children. They are so precious to Him.
Can you imagine that He would allow Aaron Jr. to endure this trial of losing his Daddy without sending angels to surround him and to comfort him? I know he has angels around him. He is loved by his Father in Heaven. Because he cannot comprehend what is going on in his world right now... I know that he is receiving extra comfort.

I love this scripture in the Book of Mormon. It is talking about Jesus and it is another example of how precious little children are to our Savior and to our Father in Heaven.

And it came to pass that he commanded that their little children should be brought.
...and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. And when he had done this he wept again; And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.
And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them. -3 Nephi 17:11, 21-24

The angels encircled those little ones about... I know this is what is helping Aaron Jr. Though we cannot see them, the comfort he is receiving makes it evident.

This is a promise to us all:

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
John 14:18

I know He will comfort us. I know He IS comforting Aaron Jr. I am truly grateful for that. I am grateful for Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice. He suffered not only for our sins, but 'Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows' (Isaiah 53:4).
He has already suffered these things for us, this is what allows us to come unto Him to be healed. He truly does know and understand what we are going through. Having this knowledge does not mean it is easy to cast our burdens upon Him (Psalms 55:22), but it does bring comfort knowing that it is possible for us to do so. He loves us all so much. I am grateful for Him and I love Him very much.

We miss Aaron and we are still waiting for reality to truly sink in. The numb feeling isn't gone yet and I don't know when it will be. I am so blessed to have Aaron Jr. He reminds me of Aaron and I am grateful for that...

We love you Aaron...

* * *

Hand In Hand

* * * * * * * *


Walk hand in hand with me through all eternity
Have faith, believe in me, give me your hand
Love is a symphony of perfect harmony
When lovers such as we walk hand in hand

Be not afraid, for I am with you all the while
So lift your head up high and look toward the sky

Walk hand in hand with me, this is our destiny
No greater love could be, walk hand in hand
Walk with me

Be not afraid, for I am with you all the while
So lift your head up high and look up to the sky

Walk hand in hand with me, this is our destiny
No greater love could be, walk hand in hand
Walk with me
-Andy Williams song



These are photos from our wedding day. Now... treasured more than ever.
I wanted to write in here last week because I thought it would be a good idea to post something during a time when I was feeling some comfort... and not only post when I am feeling down.
I also wanted to thank all of those people... family, friends, and strangers alike... who have written words of love and comfort to me and Aaron Jr. I have found comfort in knowing people are thinking about us and remembering Aaron. So, thank you for the kindness that has been shown to us. We are so grateful.

Last week, I seemed to have somewhat better days, but the nights were still long and difficult.
Well, the time came and went and I never got around to posting...
So, now here I sit at 3:15 a.m. and the last few days have been so painful. I am missing Aaron so much. I miss the safety I felt knowing he would love and protect me.

Losing my husband, Aaron, has been so difficult. Knowing that he was supposed to walk by my side throughout this life and into eternity... it is so painful not having him here to hold my hand and walk by my side. He is the one I was supposed to look to my future with... have more children with... have joys and sorrows with... prepare meals for... wash laundry for... clean up after... enjoy seeing every day for the rest of our lives. But it was cut so short. I now watch with envy those people in my life who still get to welcome their spouse home each day after a long day at work... who get to watch their husband play with their kids... who get to lay down next to them at night. I dream about that. Please don't take those things for granted.

I have started reflecting again about an earlier posting that I wrote in my blog last month. The one where I talked about 'trivial' matters. When speaking of Aaron, I wrote, "Oh the abundance of joyous days we could have had together if we had both just dismissed the trivial things that filled our days and replaced them with the more important things in life."

Well, in the last month or so, there have been some things happen that have caused me to think about the way I look at life and the trivial matters that waste our time and energy. I realize now that that statement applies not only to my days that I spent with Aaron, but it also applies to my time now spent with Aaron Jr... and also the way I treat others. I am learning more and more that there is no reason to waste my time or energy on petty or 'trivial' matters... and just make sure that I am showing love and concern for other people. I am learning that too much time and energy is wasted when we choose to see the negative in other people instead of trying to put ourselves in their shoes and being sympathetic to what they may be experiencing in their lives. No one knows what pain I am experiencing and what I feel, just as I don't know what others are feeling.
I still have regrets about things I wish I could say to Aaron or do for him before he passed away... but I believe that he knows now. He has a better perspective than I can even imagine now. He knows how I feel about him. I tell him every night.
I realize now that it is the people that are still right here in front of us that are the ones we should be putting our energy into helping and showing kindness to. Life is too short and too precious to be wasted on 'trivial' matters. There is too much pain in my life from losing Aaron to spend my energy worrying about what people think of me... or don't think of me. I don't need that in my life. Those kinds of relationships aren't going to bring about peace and comfort in this nightmare I am living. I have found that when you are in pain, you need to surround yourself with loving people who truly care about you.
I will spend my time and energy showing kindness to others, loving our son, and missing my husband.

I love you Aaron...

* * *