Friday, January 25, 2008

Hand In Hand

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Walk hand in hand with me through all eternity
Have faith, believe in me, give me your hand
Love is a symphony of perfect harmony
When lovers such as we walk hand in hand

Be not afraid, for I am with you all the while
So lift your head up high and look toward the sky

Walk hand in hand with me, this is our destiny
No greater love could be, walk hand in hand
Walk with me

Be not afraid, for I am with you all the while
So lift your head up high and look up to the sky

Walk hand in hand with me, this is our destiny
No greater love could be, walk hand in hand
Walk with me
-Andy Williams song




These are photos from our wedding day. Now... treasured more than ever.
I wanted to write in here last week because I thought it would be a good idea to post something during a time when I was feeling some comfort... and not only post when I am feeling down.
I also wanted to thank all of those people... family, friends, and strangers alike... who have written words of love and comfort to me and Aaron Jr. I have found comfort in knowing people are thinking about us and remembering Aaron. So, thank you for the kindness that has been shown to us. We are so grateful.

Last week, I seemed to have somewhat better days, but the nights were still long and difficult.
Well, the time came and went and I never got around to posting...
So, now here I sit at 3:15 a.m. and the last few days have been so painful. I am missing Aaron so much. I miss the safety I felt knowing he would love and protect me.

Losing my husband, Aaron, has been so difficult. Knowing that he was supposed to walk by my side throughout this life and into eternity... it is so painful not having him here to hold my hand and walk by my side. He is the one I was supposed to look to my future with... have more children with... have joys and sorrows with... prepare meals for... wash laundry for... clean up after... enjoy seeing every day for the rest of our lives. But it was cut so short. I now watch with envy those people in my life who still get to welcome their spouse home each day after a long day at work... who get to watch their husband play with their kids... who get to lay down next to them at night. I dream about that. Please don't take those things for granted.

I have started reflecting again about an earlier posting that I wrote in my blog last month. The one where I talked about 'trivial' matters. When speaking of Aaron, I wrote, "Oh the abundance of joyous days we could have had together if we had both just dismissed the trivial things that filled our days and replaced them with the more important things in life."

Well, in the last month or so, there have been some things happen that have caused me to think about the way I look at life and the trivial matters that waste our time and energy. I realize now that that statement applies not only to my days that I spent with Aaron, but it also applies to my time now spent with Aaron Jr... and also the way I treat others. I am learning more and more that there is no reason to waste my time or energy on petty or 'trivial' matters... and just make sure that I am showing love and concern for other people. I am learning that too much time and energy is wasted when we choose to see the negative in other people instead of trying to put ourselves in their shoes and being sympathetic to what they may be experiencing in their lives. No one knows what pain I am experiencing and what I feel, just as I don't know what others are feeling.
I still have regrets about things I wish I could say to Aaron or do for him before he passed away... but I believe that he knows now. He has a better perspective than I can even imagine now. He knows how I feel about him. I tell him every night.
I realize now that it is the people that are still right here in front of us that are the ones we should be putting our energy into helping and showing kindness to. Life is too short and too precious to be wasted on 'trivial' matters. There is too much pain in my life from losing Aaron to spend my energy worrying about what people think of me... or don't think of me. I don't need that in my life. Those kinds of relationships aren't going to bring about peace and comfort in this nightmare I am living. I have found that when you are in pain, you need to surround yourself with loving people who truly care about you.
I will spend my time and energy showing kindness to others, loving our son, and missing my husband.

I love you Aaron...


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20 comments:

Tawnie said...

You brought tears to my eyes. And I love that you say you will put your energy into others. That made so much sense and I love it.
I too will try and forgo the trivial petty things. Thank you.
I love you Leslie. I've been waiting for a post!

Karey said...

Thank you, Leslie, for this uplifting and inspiring posting. We all need to learn these lessons--thank you for sharing them with us.

We love you and loved having you come stay with us. Aaron Jr. is a sweetheart.

It really only matters what we think and know of ourselves and what Heavenly Father thinks of us. If we know we're doing our best and Heavenly Father knows we're doing our best, nothing else matters.

Love you so much.

Mindy said...

Leslie, I am so glad that you had some better days last week. I'm sure those days will come more frequently with time. I love the picture of the two of you holding hands walking away on your wedding day. It is one of the sweetest pictures I have ever seen.

Love you!

The Barbers said...

I am so impressed with you Leslie. I want you to know that you are one of the people that I look up to the most in my life. I have no idea what you are going through, but for you to be able to say the things you do and do the things you are doing...it is just incredible. I think the Lord trusts you and loves you a lot! What inspired words of wisdom from such a strong woman. Thank you!

Brenda said...

Those are great realizations! Thanks so much for sharing!

April said...

Les,
I finished a book I had started after Aaron died called "For one more day" by Mitch Albom. In the last chapter, there was a sentence that made me think of how you are still being a strong, loving mother in the middle of this intense storm. The sentence reads,
"I believe that parents, if they love you, will hold you up safely, above their swirling waters, and sometimes that means you'll never know what they endured."
Little Aaron may not ever fully understand what you have gone through, but how blessed he is to have a mother that will 'spend her energy' loving him, smiling for him.
Love to you.

The Patterson Posse said...

You don't know me, but my heart goes out to you. I came across your blog through a friends, and as I sit here crying, I just have to comment. You have helped me realize to not take anything for granted. Life is fragile and is not ours. Our Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and it can be so difficult to understand. What a blessing to have little Aaron Jr to carry on his daddy's legacy. I am truly sorry for loss.

Seesalou said...

this posting really touched me tonight. and then april's comment, with the part of that book. what a neat truth. it reminds me of that quote by elder oaks...about his mother being a widow and all that she taught him through that and in spite of that. you can hold aaron jr. up, safely above the swirling waters. and he will love you for it.

MissHeather said...

Hi Leslie,

I don't actually know you. I'm good friends with Amberly Schiffman and she mentioned your blog to me today. I want you to know how beautiful you are and how much I appreciate your words. I have never experienced anything like what you're going through... and this might sound selfish... but reading your blogs has made me appreciate my husband more and try harder to make our marriage better. Things happen so unexpectedly and quickly in many aspects of life and looking at all the beautiful pictures of your family and reading about the wonderful memories you have makes me want to create more of that in my own family. Know that even though we're strangers, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for having the strength to share.

-Heather Crandall

Vicki said...

Thank you, Leslie, for your thoughts. It makes me want to be a better person, a better wife, and hopefully someday a better mother. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Love you lots!

Marilee said...

Leslie,

Thank you for feeling your feeling with us. You really put into perspective why we are really here.

G&W Moyes said...

Leslie
I am Liz Dalley's sister-in-law. In her blog she told us about your blog and I have just spent a good part of the morning reading about your family. I have cried through most of it. I have also been reminded of how precious life is and how important it is to focus on my family. How important it is to make sure my family knows how much I love them. Thank you so much for the reminder. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
-Wendy

Sheye said...

Dear Leslie
This is a Gift From Ava I received very early on. I have said so many times, losing someone so precious to you, so suddenly, is not life changing, it is person changing. You will never be the Leslie you were. That Leslie died with Aaron.

The new Leslie knows amazing things though, she's been elevated to a different perspective and is free of the trivial worries of life. Just life my new perspective is thankyou to Ava, for you it is a little Gift From Aaron. It is like they get to see from above what Really Truly Matters and they impart a little of it down to us. I love it so.

Aaron Jnr has lost so much in his Dad's passing but gosh he's gained a lot because he has SUCH a wise, loving Mummy now. :)

With love always
Sheye

Lorianne said...

Thanks for sharing your tender thoughts and feelings. These really are the little things that you can take away from such a great loss.....better perspective and a strong will to be better, do better. I have been more grateful for the little things, the daily things of life. Thanks for your words that remind us that those are the most important things. That, and the fact that Heavenly Father loves us and will help us through our most difficult times. Love you so much!

K&K&kids said...

Leslie,
You are amazing. Thank you for reminding all of us what is important. Reading your blog reminds me to focus more on the happiness of my family and to love them every second. I love you.

Amberly said...

This was a beautiful and touching reminder to spend our short time on this earth doing the important things with those that matter. I am grateful for this reminder today- thank you leslie, and I hope this next week brings some more days full of a little more light.

emily sue said...

Leslie,
Thank you so much for the truth that so often I forget. You are an amazing woman, wife, mother, and friend. I echo the remarks of Sheye...thank goodness Aaron Jr. has such a wise new Mommy. You have given me renewed desire to spend my time capturing beauty and love and to share it with others. I love you Les.

Jessica said...

Hello Leslie, this is Jessica, Nick's little sister. I know you don't really know me at all, but I just want you to know that my love and sympathy is expressed for you and the Harkness family.

Cucciolo25 said...

Leslie, we sure love you and love reading about your experiences. It is hard living far away. We don't always know how you are doing. We suer love you and appreciate hearing about the tender mercies the Lord is giving you with every realization you have. We love you and Aaron and Aaron Jr. We can't wait until you come to stay with us for a while. Love you.

LizG said...

Leslie,

Thank you for leaving such a lovely post on my blog. I live near Cambridge in England. If you and Aaron Jr ever come over, I'd be honoured to take you both to tea! My daughter would love a mini cowboy to play with :)

I'm glad to see that you are channeling your energies into the positive, and I can only imagine how hard that is for you at the moment.

Thinking of you both
Liz