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Today is difficult.
I can't even pinpoint why I am struggling so much today. I had a hard night last night and then I just woke up completely drained of any energy or emotion.
But emotion found me this afternoon. It is difficult to hold back the tears when there isn't anyone around. Today I drove around for quite some time with Aaron Jr. sleeping in the back seat. I didn't have any purpose or destination, I just drove around. I pondered, I cried, I felt so much emotion, but at the same time felt a little bit numb.
I feel very lonely. I am not alone very often, there is someone around most of the time wherever I am... but I still feel so lonely.
Today has been a more difficult day than I have had for a while. It is approaching four months and in some ways, things are harder... in other ways... I know that I have not yet accepted certain aspects of my life to be real. If there was EVER anything in my life that I wish I could escape... it would be this nightmare.
I miss Aaron so much. I never realized what it meant to be lonely until Aaron passed away... and even now, I feel more lonely than I ever have.
People have been so great... it doesn't have anything to do with people not doing enough for me... it has to do with the fact that Aaron is gone. That half of me is missing. I never realized just how 'one' you become as a married couple until I lost half of me. I don't feel complete. It is just so difficult to explain... it is just something you have to experience to know how incomplete you feel losing a spouse.
I feel bad writing such negative feelings today, but I am not having a good week at all.
I got something in the mail the other day from the Mortuary that handled Aaron's funeral services. The front cover had an article written by a lady named Elizabeth Cross McDonald. It is titled: 'Silence is not an answer in the time of grief'.
In this article, she talks about a loss she experienced and then talks about something that I felt like I should share so that others can know how to help someone who has lost someone close. I will type out a few excerpts. She says:
"Some people undoubtedly kept silent int he hopes that I would approach them to talk and they could then be duly supportive. This was a gross error of judgment. I needed to have friends [and family] voluntarily open their hearts in sympathy, as I was feeling vulnerable and afraid that those I turned to might turn me away.
"Still others made efforts to engage me in conversation, as long as I was able to be cheerful and not talk about Albert. To these people, my casual comment like, "Oh, I remember when Albert and I visited that person" was nervously ignored and met by an embarrassed silence. I needed to be able to remember my brother reflectively, without self-consciousness or shame. ...waves of grief, anger, and depression affected me in ways I myself could not understand. How I needed their patience and support, their faith that I was not angry at death, and not at them.
"My grief is now settling into the long depression that is a necessary step to healing. If someone you know, whether closely or just vaguely, is bereaved, please don't be shy or afraid. Take the initiative, walk up, look into his or her eyes and say, "I am so sorry to hear about the death."
"You need not give your philosophy on tragedy in life or your favorite remedy for depression. The bereaved person does not expect or want this. Listening -- not avoiding the bereaved's sadness or being afraid to have [them] cry to you -- is essential. And don't try to stop the tears -- they are also a step to healing and must flow freely. If the bereaved are surrounded by people who care, the grieving process is made less bitter and devastating. Yet caring and concern for [them] is meaningless unless you directly tell her that you do care."
This has been on my mind lately. I know that people care. I know that people are trying to do their best to help me get through this devastation. But I also know that it is difficult for people to know how to help me. So, that is why I wanted to share pieces of that article... so that people will know how to help me.
I am grateful for the love shown to me. And I am pleading with those who want to help me, please don't keep silent about my trial, it is real. I need support and love more so now than I ever have through this. I NEED to talk about Aaron. I love him.
Missing you always, Aaron...
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