Sunday, March 9, 2008

Times and Seasons

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My title for this posting made me want to take a year from our life together and put a photo from each season into it. So, here are photos from Summer 2004, Autumn 2004, Winter 2004, and Spring 2005.

In my section titled 'Words to Live By' in the column on the right, I chose this scripture from Ecclesiastes in the Bible for the month of March.

I try to choose a scripture that goes along with things that have happened or are happening or will be happening in my life and I focus the scripture on that. This is the first time I felt like sharing why I chose the scripture that I chose.

The month of March is the month that Aaron and I both celebrate our birthdays. So, even with the sadness I feel and the ache in my heart as I miss him so much every day... I have pondered a lot about the fact that even with the sadness I will always feel, there are going to be times when celebrating will be in order.

I knew that the month of March would have our birthdays, which are usually times to celebrate, but they would also be such a time of sadness as well because those days would be days when I would miss Aaron so much.

So, as I pondered on which scripture to use to demonstrate a time to celebrate even in the midst of a sad time in our lives, this scripture below came to my head instantly.

To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I hadn't read this one for a while, so once I read through it again, I realized that this scripture described more than just this month for me. It describes how the rest of my life will be at the times when it feels like Aaron should be there with us.

It says there is a time to weep and a time to laugh...

This is true for anyone. You don't have to have lost someone close to feel like weeping at times... but it amazes me that this was important enough for us to know that it was put into scripture. I am grateful to know that it is expected that we will have times when we are expected to laugh and also times when it is expected that we will weep. It is okay to weep.

And it is okay to laugh. It is strange, the sorrow and pain that I feel missing Aaron makes it somewhat difficult to laugh and smile right now. Even when it seems like smiles and laughter are coming so easily, I always have the sorrow and pain trying to push their way to the surface. It feels like a constant battle between my heart and my head. I know it is totally fine to laugh and to smile, but it doesn't change the fact that when I do, I begin wondering what I have to be happy about. Then the thought will come telling me that Aaron would want me to smile and laugh and to be happy. He would never want us to feel guilty for showing joy.

I am learning a little more each day that the Savior is healing the wounds in my heart, but I know that the scars left behind will bring on the feelings of sorrow and loneliness. Those are the times when I will feel it is my time to weep.

It also says that there is a time to mourn and a time to dance...

Just as this is my time to mourn, Aaron Jr. will do his mourning throughout his life when he knows what he is missing not having Aaron here. I know I will have 'times of mourning' throughout my life as well, just like times for weeping. I am still fully mourning the loss of Aaron. I miss him so much and the time that has passed hasn't made me miss him any less. While talking to my sister once, we talked about how in certain countries, they have a one year mourning period. This is a period of time that women are expected to just mourn. It sure would be nice if I could have a year where nothing is expected of me for this whole first year except to mourn Aaron's passing. I have been so busy trying to tie up loose ends and taking care of things that I haven't felt like I have had as much time as I would have liked to just sit and ponder and mourn.

As far as the time to dance... anyone who knows me knows that I am no dancer. Seriously... I'm not. But if I think about 'a dance' the way it is talked about in the song by Garth Brooks, then I can just be SO very grateful for the time Aaron and I shared together... 'our dance'. Now, as Aaron Jr. and I look into our future, Aaron would not want us to miss out on any possibilities that we will have to dance. So, there will come times in our lives when we will have our times to dance.

This scripture says exactly how I feel like the rest of my life will be. I will ALWAYS miss Aaron. I will ALWAYS mourn the loss of Aaron. But it doesn't have to mean that I will feel sorrow at all times. I will feel sorrow at certain times throughout my whole life, but that doesn't mean that I am not going to allow my life to move forward. Aaron would want us to remember him while we are living our lives and dancing our dances.

Thank you for our dance, Aaron. I love you.

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Annalee Kelly said...

Hi Leslie, you don't know me, I'm a friend of Mindy's. I appreciate what I learn from your blog so much; I check it daily and I am learning from your grief. You and Aaron's relationship help strengthen my own. I am even learning to appreciate my husband's toe nails:) I've heard it said, "if life is hard, the Plan is working..." Then I am certain the Lord has a special mission ahead for you and Aaron in the hereafter. Love to you and A.Jr.

amanda said...

You are such a strong person with an amazing testimony. I draw strength from you every time I read your posts. Keep weeping and mourning but find time to laugh and dance. You deserve that.

Emma-Kate Castricum said...

Hi Leslie,

All I can say is that was a BEAUTIFUL post. You put it all into words so perfectly.
I wish you could have that year to mourn, to not worry about anything other than healing yourself and helping your little Aaron adjust.
From one part of the world to the other, I'm thinking of you,

Emma-Kate Castricum said...

Ohh, I forgot to say how beautiful the pics of you both are. I know it must be so bitter sweet to hear it but you just looked so perfect together. Like the two hands of one person.... meant to be together, a pair. (if that makes any sense)

Tawnie said...

I love you Leslie!!! Be the best person you can be for you and for little Aaron!!!

Lorianne said...

Those are some really nice pictures of you and Aaron. Love the song you have on, it is one of my favorites. Love you. Lori

Scott&Mal said...

Leslie, I love to read your blog! Your ability to put words together is amazing. I cry as I read every day, but I love to hear your beautiful analogies, and to see your great pictures! You and little Aaron are always in our thoughts and prayers! You're so strong, and I learn so much from your blog every post! Thank you so much for that!!

Kristi said...

I love the perspective of this blog. Life does go on, but so will your thoughts and memories of Aaron. We love you guys.

Brenda said...

That's a wonderful scripture to think about, Leslie!

April said...

I have to disagree with you about your dancing abilities... you do have the 'skate-board' move, remember! Love you.

Karey said...

This is one of my favorite scriptures. I love the beauty of the message and how much it shows us that Heavenly Father understands us. Love you and Aaron Jr.

Ginny said...

Thank you again from a perfect stranger. You have a gift with words, and I hope you never stop using it. Thank you for not burying it in the sand, or just keeping it to those you know. You are blessing the lives of people you will never meet. I pray the Lord will continue to bless you as you are blessing others!!

Matchbox Mom said...

What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing this. It is so true that there are times to weep and laugh. I love this scripture!
What a blessing it is that our Father in Heaven speaks to us through scripture.
What a blessing family is. I know you miss Aaron, but thank goodness you are not alone.
May the Lord bless you...

mudderandfodder said...

I love the scriptures and this is one of my favorites. It shows that the Lord is aware of every facet or our lives. The Lord is aware of you and loves you so much. He will take you by the hand and lead you home to Him. He is depending on you to take little AJ by the hand and lead him along the path with you. Much joy is still ahead for you. I love you, MOM

LL said...

Love this scripture, thank you for the reminder! I absolutely love your thoughts and the way you write. THANK YOU for lifting each of us, you're honest heart has touched SO many!

Mindy said...

I love this scripture too! It has helped me so many times in my life. I am so glad that you are having times to laugh, and allowing yourself times to mourn and cry, too. Love you!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful words Leslie. I hope that writing them helped you sort through the muddle of pain and happiness, joy and fear.

Love to you both,


Clippy Mat said...

Thank you for sharing your love story with everyone. It's very inspirational.
Thinking of you.

Debbi said...

Leslie-You don't know me, but I discovered your incredibly insightful comments and thoughts through one of my daughter's friends. I can not tell you how many lives you have touched through sharing your experiences. We all can truly feel your grief as you express your sorrows so eloquently. Many prayers are uttered daily for you and Aaron Jr.
Keep writing! You have an amazing gift.

Leslie said...

thank you all.