My title for this posting made me want to take a year from our life together and put a photo from each season into it. So, here are photos from Summer 2004, Autumn 2004, Winter 2004, and Spring 2005.
In my section titled 'Words to Live By' in the column on the right, I chose this scripture from Ecclesiastes in the Bible for the month of March.
I try to choose a scripture that goes along with things that have happened or are happening or will be happening in my life and I focus the scripture on that. This is the first time I felt like sharing why I chose the scripture that I chose.
The month of March is the month that Aaron and I both celebrate our birthdays. So, even with the sadness I feel and the ache in my heart as I miss him so much every day... I have pondered a lot about the fact that even with the sadness I will always feel, there are going to be times when celebrating will be in order.
I knew that the month of March would have our birthdays, which are usually times to celebrate, but they would also be such a time of sadness as well because those days would be days when I would miss Aaron so much.
So, as I pondered on which scripture to use to demonstrate a time to celebrate even in the midst of a sad time in our lives, this scripture below came to my head instantly.
To every thing there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.
I hadn't read this one for a while, so once I read through it again, I realized that this scripture described more than just this month for me. It describes how the rest of my life will be at the times when it feels like Aaron should be there with us.
It says there is a time to weep and a time to laugh...
This is true for anyone. You don't have to have lost someone close to feel like weeping at times... but it amazes me that this was important enough for us to know that it was put into scripture. I am grateful to know that it is expected that we will have times when we are expected to laugh and also times when it is expected that we will weep. It is okay to weep.
And it is okay to laugh. It is strange, the sorrow and pain that I feel missing Aaron makes it somewhat difficult to laugh and smile right now. Even when it seems like smiles and laughter are coming so easily, I always have the sorrow and pain trying to push their way to the surface. It feels like a constant battle between my heart and my head. I know it is totally fine to laugh and to smile, but it doesn't change the fact that when I do, I begin wondering what I have to be happy about. Then the thought will come telling me that Aaron would want me to smile and laugh and to be happy. He would never want us to feel guilty for showing joy.
I am learning a little more each day that the Savior is healing the wounds in my heart, but I know that the scars left behind will bring on the feelings of sorrow and loneliness. Those are the times when I will feel it is my time to weep.
It also says that there is a time to mourn and a time to dance...
Just as this is my time to mourn, Aaron Jr. will do his mourning throughout his life when he knows what he is missing not having Aaron here. I know I will have 'times of mourning' throughout my life as well, just like times for weeping. I am still fully mourning the loss of Aaron. I miss him so much and the time that has passed hasn't made me miss him any less. While talking to my sister once, we talked about how in certain countries, they have a one year mourning period. This is a period of time that women are expected to just mourn. It sure would be nice if I could have a year where nothing is expected of me for this whole first year except to mourn Aaron's passing. I have been so busy trying to tie up loose ends and taking care of things that I haven't felt like I have had as much time as I would have liked to just sit and ponder and mourn.
As far as the time to dance... anyone who knows me knows that I am no dancer. Seriously... I'm not. But if I think about 'a dance' the way it is talked about in the song by Garth Brooks, then I can just be SO very grateful for the time Aaron and I shared together... 'our dance'. Now, as Aaron Jr. and I look into our future, Aaron would not want us to miss out on any possibilities that we will have to dance. So, there will come times in our lives when we will have our times to dance.
This scripture says exactly how I feel like the rest of my life will be. I will ALWAYS miss Aaron. I will ALWAYS mourn the loss of Aaron. But it doesn't have to mean that I will feel sorrow at all times. I will feel sorrow at certain times throughout my whole life, but that doesn't mean that I am not going to allow my life to move forward. Aaron would want us to remember him while we are living our lives and dancing our dances.
Thank you for our dance, Aaron. I love you.
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