Sunday, June 29, 2008

Seven Months...

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To be honest... I am not quite sure what I am feeling tonight. I have so many mixed and jumbled emotions lately, I don't have any idea how to put my thoughts into words tonight.
So, I guess if anyone wants to know how I am doing and I had to answer right now, I would refer them to months ONE through SIX and call it good for tonight. Everything I am feeling is a combination of what I have already written, especially this
posting back in January. Some nights I literally cannot stop weeping, so I end up sobbing until I am too exhausted to continue.
I try my hardest to hide it most of the time, but I am still broken inside. Life is so uncomfortable. There are so many things that keep coming up and coming at me that bring more and more pain on top of what I already feel. Things that I wouldn't have to be dealing with if Aaron were still here. And things that he would comfort me through if he were here. I just don't know how much more I can survive. Thank heavens for Aaron Jr. who, when I look at him, I am reminded that I have to survive it.

Time = healing ? ? ?

Not yet.


I miss you more than ever, my Menino... I love you.

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18 comments:

Emma-Kate Castricum said...

You will love Aaron forever and you will miss him. I just hope in time the missing and longing become a little less painful.
Give it time, although it must feel like an eternity, don't expect too much from yourself just yet. One breath, one hour and one day at a time. There's really nothing I can say except I'm always thinking of you,

Em

LL said...

Leslie. I'm so sorry. I don't know what more to say.
This brought tears to my eyes and made my heart ache for you this morning. "life is so uncomfortable" really hit me. I wish so much that it could be different. I wish each of us could carry a little of this burden for you.
Thinking and praying for you, always!

amanda said...

It seems that this is just something you have to go through not around:( I wish there was something I could do to help. When are you here next? I have been meaning to plan a girls night but I want to plan it when you'll be here.

Anonymous said...

This is a difficult journey you are on. My heart goes out to you and Aaron Jr.
I pray for you often. I think of you often.

Take care, Leslie.

Rita

Mindy said...

I'm so sorry, Leslie! I hope you can find some comfort at least some of the time. I love you.

Amber said...

Les,
I'm so glad I got to see you for a brief minute today! I would love to see more of you and be able to talk. I don't have anything to say right now that hasn't already been said . . . I wish you didn't have to face this trial, and I wish I could make it lighter for you.
I have been thinking a lot lately about eternal perspective. I know I am grateful to have the knowledge that we will live forever. And really this life is just a brief moment in time (although it feels like eternity). I know you will be reunited with Aaron, it will just take longer than we would like.

Love you,
Amber

dani said...

dear, sweet leslie,
thank GOD for aaron, jr.!!! he is the immortal part of aaron... for right now, all you can expect from yourself is to look to him as "the reason".
love and prayers,
dani

jensenfamily said...

so I haven't been sleeping well lately with this pregnancy, and I thought of you late last night thinking, she's probably not sleeping well either. Man, I can imagine the loneliness you must be feeling, even amidst all the people around you who care about you. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on your blog....hopefully we'll see you soon! love, Erin

Kristi said...

You and Aaron continue to be in our prayers. I wish we could be there with you to help in the mourning and healing. We love you and think of you all the time.

Anonymous said...

Hi Leslie,

You will survive it. I know you don't think you can sometimes. But you will.

I wish so much that you didn't have to go through this at all.

One step forward. Two steps back. One step forward. Keep going. One day there will be more steps forward than backwards.

He will always be with you, and you will see him shining in little Aaron's eyes, and hear him in little Aaron's laughter.

You know that you will be with Aaron again, but first you need to guide and love little Aaron through this world.

Love to you, Leslie.

Jane

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Clippy Mat said...

Leslie: Once again I am humbled reading your beautiful love story. You two had more love in your short time together than many people will have in a life time. And the photos of you two; so many. You have a pictorial testament to your life and love. thinking of you, :-))

Jyl said...

I am so sorry Leslie! i am literally broken for you! I hate to hear of your sobful nights, I wish I were there to give you a big hug, if that would even console you in the smallest way., I love you

Keith and Kim said...

Hi Leslie,

You don't know me, but I found your blog through another blog. I feel like I could have written this post - I too have been widowed. . .I just passed the 9 month mark.

I live in the Salt Lake area and get together occasionally with others who are in the same boat as we are. Please let me know if you are interested in joining us some time - I think by sticking together we can all get through this!

All the best. My heart and my prayers go out to you and your son.

Gayla Schmidt
gschmidt(AT)thebluezone.net

Joann said...

Leslie, I just realized that I haven't commented on this post yet. I remember reading it, but...I just want you to know that Justin and I are always thinking of you. There are so many times that I think of things that we have done or could do together...we miss him, too. I hope you are finding SOME joy in your days with little Aaron. Love you!

dani said...

leslie, happy 4th of july!!! may you find joy in the day...
love,
dani

Matt & Shauna said...

Oh Leslie. I read this entry a while back and read it again this afternoon. I love you and wish you peace at this time in your life. I wish I was near you. It does feel like I'm in Russia! If I were there we would go shopping. :-) I look up to you so much and admire your strength. love, Shauna

Matt & Shauna said...

My new friend at worked has a calendar up in her office that has scripture quotes on it. I read this one and thought of you today. I always admired you in England because you loved and knew the scriptures so well. I hope you like this one: Psalms 139: 9-10
9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

Thinking of you today! Love You!!