Thursday, January 3, 2008

2:57 am...

* * * * * *

I can't stop sobbing. I went in to bed a little while ago and started praying and could not get through my prayer before the tears came. Once I finished my prayer, I started talking to Aaron. I want so badly to tell him what I feel, so I guess I thought that by talking out loud to Aaron... he might hear me.


I think I just hit a wall. This doesn't feel like reality. I feel like I will wake up any moment from this nightmare that I am being forced to sleep through for way too long.

I was going through some photos today... seeking out specific ones, but coming across others that I had forgotten about. As I searched through them and would come across ones where Aaron was laughing or smiling so big... it just hit me like a ton of bricks... he looks too alive in these photos for him to really be gone. How can he look so happy and alive in a photo, but in reality be gone? There is something so unfair about that. On the other hand... what a blessing to have them so that I can remember him that way.

Sleep just isn't coming. To lay there in bed without Aaron is so difficult. I never understood when people would talk about how they can't sleep if their spouse is touching them... I am so grateful that Aaron and I could both sleep while cuddling. There was nothing better than to be engulfed in Aaron's arms, feeling so safe, and drifting to sleep. I miss that.

I just can't stop sobbing. I feel lost without you, Aaron.

But, even though a part of me died with you... I know that a part of you lives on through me... and especially through Aaron Jr.



I love you, my Menino.

* * *

13 comments:

Sheye said...

I'm not sure if I should say just what a beautiful couple you are Leslie but I can't help myself. You are beautiful together and you have made an absolutely gorgeous little boy. It does seem wrong that your together now has you apart in the physical sense but of course Aaron lives inside your heart now. You will always be one.
xx

pix said...

I sit here in Australia sobbing for you and your loss, of such a wonderful husband and father. I believe love is stronger than death and you two will be together forever, in more ways than one xx

Steve & Liz said...

I am so sorry Les, I wish that I could take some of your pain and help you. i wish that I could just erase this trial for you.

stacymeyers said...

Leslie,
I found your blog through Sheye's. My heart goes out to you as well. There is a HUGE lump in my throat as I tried to read about you and Aaron's life. The tears are running down my face so fiercly that I can barely read what I am even typing. I am so sorry. I have been with my husband for my entire adult life. I am 34 now and can NOT imagine what you are feeling. Know that I am thinking of you and your beautiful little boy and praying for your recovery. God Bless you both!

Melinda said...

Leslie, I am so sorry! I hate it when Brandon is gone even for a few nights, because I, too, sleep better when we are cuddled. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. Love you.

Joann said...

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I wish there was some way to take some of it away and feel it myself so you didn't have to. I think of you often and pray for you daily. I hope you can feel the strength of others' love and prayers for you. Maybe that will help a little when you are ready. Love you Leslie!

seesalou said...

i can't stand the thought of you being up like that...alone...lonely. i guess that's why you & i have been together talking or on the phone talking many, many times until 2 or three in the morning. i hate that i can't always be there for you. i absolutely hate it! sorting through the pictures of aaron with you today was so hard. i'm so sorry for what you & aaron jr. have lost and so sorry that you are lonely. remember, the savior's invitation to cast your burden on him is not just a one-time offer. it is a continuous and all-encompassing gift.

Kristi said...

What a great picture. You both look so happy.
I wish that we could still be there with you. Instead we mourn with you from a distance.
We love you.

K&K&kids said...

You have so many great pictures of Aaron. What a blessing. What a great thing for Aaron Jr. to have. I am so sorry for your pain and loneliness. My heart aches for you and Little Aaron. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love ya.

Tawnie said...

Beautiful picture Leslie. I love you!!

Karey said...

What a cute picture. You took so many pictures without knowing what the future would hold for you. What a great blessing for you and little Aaron that you did. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. It breaks my heart for you and I wish there was more we could do than just tell you we love you and are praying for you. But we are. Joseph said family prayer tonight and prayed for you and little Aaron to be comforted. You're strong and will make it through this terrible trial. I love you.

Andrea said...

Leslie,
I don't know you, but I read your comment on Sheye Rosemeyer's blog. I just want you to know that my heart aches for you and you are in my prayers now. I admire how strong you are (yes, you are!). I know God hears you and LOVES you. I don't know why you're facing this challenge but HE does. He never closes a door without opening a window, right? He knows the way and how you can be happy. He can help carry this burden. Never forget the beautiful blessing we have to be sealed for eternity. All my love to you and your sweet little boy.
Andrea

Laureen said...

also found you through Sheye's blog - it is amazing how loss and sadness can bring people together.

I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering...I can't imagine how it must hurt. I'll be thinking of you and your little boy, and praying for you. Take care, and take comfort in knowing that we're praying for you,
laureen