Lonely Much?

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So, I have figured something out. I have figured out that as long as I am keeping myself insanely busy (or at least the illusion of busy), then I do not have any time to feel overwhelmingly lonely.

And I have been very successful most of the time this year.

But then times come when I finally try to take some time to just be at home and try to relax a bit... and that is when the LONELY creeps in.

It sneaks in and catches me off guard every time.

And that is what happened to me last night...
and this was at the end of a very painful and difficult week for me.
Something happened last weekend that threw me right back into the deep end of my grief. I was feeling heart ache and pain again... and I felt like I was suffocating all over again.

I have been feeling so hopeless lately. Not just this week, but for a while now. Feeling like my faith and hope were like the seeds of a dandelion blowing away in the wind.

That night was painful and I turned to the scriptures. I knew that I was at a point that night where whatever I turned to was bound to inspire and uplift me in some way... or at least teach me something. I was feeling very teachable that night. So, I opened up to where I had a book mark and I started reading right in the middle of a chapter.

It was Moroni chapter 7. I started reading at the left column on verse 37. It was talking about faith and then as I read, it started talking about hope. Two things I have been lacking lately. As I continued to read, it started talking about CHARITY. Overall, I know what charity is. We learn from our youth that 'charity is the pure love of Christ' (Moroni 7:47). But as I read these verses, I was reading them differently.

Verse 45 really hit me hard that night:
'And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.'

As I read this verse, I realized that I wanted to start studying more about charity. Now my goal in life, first and foremost, is going to be CHARITY. The verse appears to be pretty straight forward, but reading it that night taught me that I didn't know anything about charity at all. I decided I wanted to dissect that verse and study it so that I can better understand charity and know even better what kind of person I want to be.

I have spent this week trying to get back to the top so I can breathe again.

I actually have done better as the week progressed. As I talked to a sister of mine about my week, talking about things helped me to remember a dream I had a few months ago. A dream that was significant and very special to me. As I was reminded of that dream, it helped to put to rest AGAIN what had thrown me for a loop the weekend before. And that helped so much. I wish I could share my dream, but at this time, it is too personal to share. It does have to do with Aaron though. It was a tender mercy for me to have that dream.

But then, even though I was feeling a bit better, after a long week, I wanted to relax last night and be at home for the evening... and it may have been because I was already emotional drained from a tough week, but the walls started to feel like they were closing in. I was again feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin and wasn't sure how to handle it.

I hesitate to even write about my heartache anymore on here. I sometimes wonder if there are people out there who read my blog who would ever start to think that I am dwelling too long. But last night, I decided that it doesn't matter. I have done a lot of healing... but that doesn't mean I don't still have real feelings and emotion. I don't feel like I am not dwelling.
After Aaron passed away, when I began writing my thoughts and feelings, it was so therapeutic and I know that I still have thoughts and feelings that I need to work through... so I will be writing my thoughts and feelings more often again. I still need it. I really need it.

Anyway, eventually a dear friend (also a widow) called last night and as we talked about things, I began feeling less lonely and as we talked, the Spirit touched my heart.

I felt a little better. And I am grateful.

There is so much that has been going through my mind this past week, it would take too long to write about today... but I have more to share on the subject... and I will write again about it when I have time.

Plus, I want to share what I learn as I begin picking apart that verse about charity... and I will be writing my thoughts and feelings about what I learn.

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Random June ~ 2011

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Aaron Jr hiking on Holbrook Trail.

Stella and Aaron Jr ~ Me and Aaron Jr.

John and Lisa's family.

The water had hollowed out this log and now the river flows through the log. I thought it was pretty cool.

John, Hannah, and Elise climbing this thingy.

Lil John John playing baseball.

The moon while sitting at the baseball game.

Tawnie threw an ice cream party one day while Spencer and Kristi were in town. It sure was fun. The kids had a blast. Here are the kids who were there. THANKS Tawnie!

Zach, Spencer, Lila, Benny, Aaron, Luke

Mom getting a ride back to her car.

Mom in front of the home she was born in and lived in as a child.

Mom sitting between the graves of one of her brothers, Doyle, and one of her sisters, Lila. This sister passed away when she was just two days old.
We stopped here after the family reunion.

Here is the group who stopped at the cemetery after the reunion.

It was a beautiful cemetery. Here is the line of cars filing out. :)

This poor little boy.
Aaron Jr was leaning out the car window to say goodbye to Grandma and some cousins and when he was done, he started to roll up the window and then he started to cry in pain. He thought his head was clear of the window when he was pulling on the window thingy, but his depth perception was off, I guess, because he got a fat lip from the window smashing it.
Poor little guy.
Look how cute he still looks though. SO precious.

Fathers Day.

There was a bird that Aaron Jr was trying to sneak up on.

Here are photos of his skills as he sneaks up to the bird and plans his approach.

Still chasing the bird.

Grandpa and Grandma and Aaron Jr on Fathers Day at Aaron's cemetery.

Aaron Jr and Me at the cemetery on Fathers Day.

This was Fathers Day #4 that we have drive out to the cemetery to spend time with Aaron Jr's Father. I won't talk about how unfair that is. :) It was a very tough day for me. I was glad that Aaron Jr didn't want to go up to the front in Sacrament Meeting to sing with the other kids to their Fathers. He has done it before, but that might have been too much for me this year.
We sure miss him.

My sweet boy.

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Family Reunion ~ 2011

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Back: My Mom, Aunt Louise, Aunt Percy
Front: Uncle Carol, My Dad
The youngsters out for a joyride. :)

Out of the 8 siblings in my Dad's family, these were the three that were able to attend the reunion.
Uncle Carol, my Dad, Aunt Tam

Paddle boating with Aaron Jr.

Aaron Jr and Luke

Aaron Jr, Benny, Spencer, Luke, Zach

Bottom: Luke holding the dead fish he found in the pond, John R & Me cooking flapjacks.

Randomness at the reunion.

Me on the BIG swing.

Me on the BIG swing again.

Here is a demo about how you get swinging so high on the BIG swing. You get going, then someone (my brothers) grab the ankles on your way down and shove you forward, then other brothers shove each side of the swing to propel you forward more... they get you going SO high right over the water. It is so much fun.

Top: Spencer & Teresa on the BIG swing. Bottom: my Dad on the BIG swing.

Here are a couple of shots from down below the BIG swing. These are both of my Dad. My brother Mark got these.

My Dad driving around the train.

Here are some of my brothers and nephews and sister in law cooking and preparing crepes for the approximately 150 people at the reunion. They began in the daylight and ended well after dark. What troopers.

Aaron Jr and Me.

John R, Hannah, Elise, Stella, and Aaron Jr.
Then Aaron Jr and Stella and John R. John looks pretty relaxed there while the kids paddle him around. I wonder if he wants them to feed him some grapes as well? :)

Lil Spencer and Aaron

Top: The lifeguard area... everyone took turns being lifeguard on duty.

My cousin singing a tribute to their Dad... singing a duet with a recording of a song he wrote and recorded. My Aunt Louise talking about Uncle David. He sure was missed this year... he would have been there for sure and we missed him so much.
The quilt tops were sold in this year's auction. These are quilt tops that my Grandma made. She was a quilter and made SO many quilts. We have an auction each reunion to raise money for the next reunion. Everyone brings something to donate to the auction. The auction is one of the best parts of the reunion each time. It is so much fun.

Preparing for the team canoe races.

Canoe races.

My team on our leg of the race. You can see that we are sitting in the canoe backwards... that is why it felt like we were not moving quickly. Oh well. :)

Aaron Jr's team on their leg of the canoe race. They were one of the finalists... but sadly took second place I think.

Aaron and cousins.

Me, Lisa, Julie, Linda
We have always been close cousins.
I love all of my cousins.

Another shot of us on the paddle boat.

Aaron Jr and Me as the reunion came to a close. (awful camping hair, I know)
It sure was a fun reunion. I wish a had a photo of every person, but that would be so many. :)
We have a great family and I love them all.

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Are You Happy?

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My sister posted this a while back and I remembered it tonight and it was a good reminder for me... so I thought I would share it.
It is such basic and simple advice...

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