Sunday, July 31, 2011

Lonely Much?

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So, I have figured something out. I have figured out that as long as I am keeping myself insanely busy (or at least the illusion of busy), then I do not have any time to feel overwhelmingly lonely.

And I have been very successful most of the time this year.

But then times come when I finally try to take some time to just be at home and try to relax a bit... and that is when the LONELY creeps in.

It sneaks in and catches me off guard every time.

And that is what happened to me last night...
and this was at the end of a very painful and difficult week for me.
Something happened last weekend that threw me right back into the deep end of my grief. I was feeling heart ache and pain again... and I felt like I was suffocating all over again.

I have been feeling so hopeless lately. Not just this week, but for a while now. Feeling like my faith and hope were like the seeds of a dandelion blowing away in the wind.

That night was painful and I turned to the scriptures. I knew that I was at a point that night where whatever I turned to was bound to inspire and uplift me in some way... or at least teach me something. I was feeling very teachable that night. So, I opened up to where I had a book mark and I started reading right in the middle of a chapter.

It was Moroni chapter 7. I started reading at the left column on verse 37. It was talking about faith and then as I read, it started talking about hope. Two things I have been lacking lately. As I continued to read, it started talking about CHARITY. Overall, I know what charity is. We learn from our youth that 'charity is the pure love of Christ' (Moroni 7:47). But as I read these verses, I was reading them differently.

Verse 45 really hit me hard that night:
'And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.'

As I read this verse, I realized that I wanted to start studying more about charity. Now my goal in life, first and foremost, is going to be CHARITY. The verse appears to be pretty straight forward, but reading it that night taught me that I didn't know anything about charity at all. I decided I wanted to dissect that verse and study it so that I can better understand charity and know even better what kind of person I want to be.

I have spent this week trying to get back to the top so I can breathe again.

I actually have done better as the week progressed. As I talked to a sister of mine about my week, talking about things helped me to remember a dream I had a few months ago. A dream that was significant and very special to me. As I was reminded of that dream, it helped to put to rest AGAIN what had thrown me for a loop the weekend before. And that helped so much. I wish I could share my dream, but at this time, it is too personal to share. It does have to do with Aaron though. It was a tender mercy for me to have that dream.

But then, even though I was feeling a bit better, after a long week, I wanted to relax last night and be at home for the evening... and it may have been because I was already emotional drained from a tough week, but the walls started to feel like they were closing in. I was again feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin and wasn't sure how to handle it.

I hesitate to even write about my heartache anymore on here. I sometimes wonder if there are people out there who read my blog who would ever start to think that I am dwelling too long. But last night, I decided that it doesn't matter. I have done a lot of healing... but that doesn't mean I don't still have real feelings and emotion. I don't feel like I am not dwelling.
After Aaron passed away, when I began writing my thoughts and feelings, it was so therapeutic and I know that I still have thoughts and feelings that I need to work through... so I will be writing my thoughts and feelings more often again. I still need it. I really need it.

Anyway, eventually a dear friend (also a widow) called last night and as we talked about things, I began feeling less lonely and as we talked, the Spirit touched my heart.

I felt a little better. And I am grateful.

There is so much that has been going through my mind this past week, it would take too long to write about today... but I have more to share on the subject... and I will write again about it when I have time.

Plus, I want to share what I learn as I begin picking apart that verse about charity... and I will be writing my thoughts and feelings about what I learn.

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Karen Jensen said...

We are all on a spiral path. No growth takes place in a straight line. There will be setbacks along the way. There will be shadows, but they will be balanced by patches of light and fountains of joy. (Kristin Zambucka)
Leslie, you don't know me and I don't even remember how I came across your blog years ago... but I catch up on your courageous healing journey often and wanted you to know that we heal for as long as it takes and that you are exactly on pace with where you should be. Exactly. I know you know this, and I know that every day you are putting together more of the dots that are getting you to a happier place where you have more understanding than questions and more joy and peace where sadness used to dwell. I know from experience with my own heart wrenching trial that as we suffer and wade through deep emotional pain the heavens are opened and we are given priceless inner strength and perspective we could gain no other way. This is why we are here. This is what we came to experience. I could never understand or believe it when I heard people say that they were grateful for their adversity and trials until I found myself on my own personalized plan to progression here, and realized it was necessary for me to make it back home, there. Until I accepted this on a deep level I couldn’t achieve any lasting healing or solace. I had heard this explanation of trials as we all have, but we have to live some things to truly understand them. Once I did I began the glorious and freeing process of releasing the mountains of pain I had. I now know that the knowledge, trust and faith I gained as I struggled and surrendered was absolutely worth the pain and heartache I experienced to attain it. It was hard and unfair and seemed hopeless at times, but I was patiently taught that there was no other way for me to learn all that I needed to learn. As much as I try to avoid pain or suffering of any kind, I couldn’t deny the simple truth of this principle. It had to be this way. Once I understood this I had to gain enough faith that I would be given all I needed to overcome my sorrow and one day be okay again. I am now, and when I look back I can hardly believe that I lived through it and survived. Even greater is the undeniable truth I have at how much stronger and better I am for enduring and going through it. I am so grateful for a perfect mortal plan to help me grow and gain all I came to gain. Heber J. Grant promised us that every man and woman who obeys the commandments of God shall be fulfilled upon their heads, and that they will grow and increase in wisdom, light, knowledge, intelligence, and above all, in the testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ. Leslie, I pray that every treasure possible will be put along your path as you continue to work through the myriad of emotions you have and that every tender mercy available will be given to you and your family. You are winning and the example you are setting of ‘bearing all things’ is changing the lives of those you share your story with. They will take courage and gain strength from seeing this challenging but rewarding commandment in action.
Onward and Upward!

Leslie said...

thank you karen. your thoughts mirrored what has been going through my mind lately. and i appreciate and am grateful for you taking the time to write. it brightened my day.
thank you.

Karen Jensen said...

You are so welcome. It really helped me remember all of the ways we are blessed and that in reaching out the healing waves continue. Win, win.
Take care ♥

Karey said...

Love you, Leslie.

Veronica gave a talk on Sunday about charity. It was so good. Thinking of others always makes us look at ourselves a little differently.

I pray for your happiness. I think you're doing great.

Leslie said...

thank you karey. love you.

Rhitzclan said...

Oh Ell... I love you. I wish you could come visit and sit on a beach, let the sun wash over you and feel of God's love for you!

Leslie said...


Anonymous said...

Still listening, Leslie.