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So, I have figured something out. I have figured out that as long as I am keeping myself insanely busy (or at least the illusion of busy), then I do not have any time to feel overwhelmingly lonely.
And I have been very successful most of the time this year.
But then times come when I finally try to take some time to just be at home and try to relax a bit... and that is when the LONELY creeps in.
It sneaks in and catches me off guard every time.
And that is what happened to me last night...
and this was at the end of a very painful and difficult week for me.
Something happened last weekend that threw me right back into the deep end of my grief. I was feeling heart ache and pain again... and I felt like I was suffocating all over again.
I have been feeling so hopeless lately. Not just this week, but for a while now. Feeling like my faith and hope were like the seeds of a dandelion blowing away in the wind.
That night was painful and I turned to the scriptures. I knew that I was at a point that night where whatever I turned to was bound to inspire and uplift me in some way... or at least teach me something. I was feeling very teachable that night. So, I opened up to where I had a book mark and I started reading right in the middle of a chapter.
It was Moroni chapter 7. I started reading at the left column on verse 37. It was talking about faith and then as I read, it started talking about hope. Two things I have been lacking lately. As I continued to read, it started talking about CHARITY. Overall, I know what charity is. We learn from our youth that 'charity is the pure love of Christ' (Moroni 7:47). But as I read these verses, I was reading them differently.
Verse 45 really hit me hard that night:
'And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.'
As I read this verse, I realized that I wanted to start studying more about charity. Now my goal in life, first and foremost, is going to be CHARITY. The verse appears to be pretty straight forward, but reading it that night taught me that I didn't know anything about charity at all. I decided I wanted to dissect that verse and study it so that I can better understand charity and know even better what kind of person I want to be.
I have spent this week trying to get back to the top so I can breathe again.
I actually have done better as the week progressed. As I talked to a sister of mine about my week, talking about things helped me to remember a dream I had a few months ago. A dream that was significant and very special to me. As I was reminded of that dream, it helped to put to rest AGAIN what had thrown me for a loop the weekend before. And that helped so much. I wish I could share my dream, but at this time, it is too personal to share. It does have to do with Aaron though. It was a tender mercy for me to have that dream.
But then, even though I was feeling a bit better, after a long week, I wanted to relax last night and be at home for the evening... and it may have been because I was already emotional drained from a tough week, but the walls started to feel like they were closing in. I was again feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin and wasn't sure how to handle it.
I hesitate to even write about my heartache anymore on here. I sometimes wonder if there are people out there who read my blog who would ever start to think that I am dwelling too long. But last night, I decided that it doesn't matter. I have done a lot of healing... but that doesn't mean I don't still have real feelings and emotion. I don't feel like I am not dwelling.
After Aaron passed away, when I began writing my thoughts and feelings, it was so therapeutic and I know that I still have thoughts and feelings that I need to work through... so I will be writing my thoughts and feelings more often again. I still need it. I really need it.
Anyway, eventually a dear friend (also a widow) called last night and as we talked about things, I began feeling less lonely and as we talked, the Spirit touched my heart.
I felt a little better. And I am grateful.
There is so much that has been going through my mind this past week, it would take too long to write about today... but I have more to share on the subject... and I will write again about it when I have time.
Plus, I want to share what I learn as I begin picking apart that verse about charity... and I will be writing my thoughts and feelings about what I learn.
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