Friday, December 16, 2011

Remembering 11-29-07

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Remembering Aaron... 30 balloons for 30 short years of life.
It was SO cold.

His hands just keep growing and growing...


Once again, sending our hearts to heaven.
Remembering November 29, 2007...

 Sprinkling sunflower seeds...

That morning, my friend Lisa took me out to breakfast
and brought this flower to me. She didn't even know that
the flowers at our wedding reception were gerber daisies.
Thank you Lisa.

I truly don't know what I would do without this little boy.
HE makes my life worth living.


I keep thinking that the anniversaries will begin to get easier, but for some reason they get more and more difficult. I think I know why though... each year that passes, it is yet another year that my hopes and dreams are not being fulfilled... my hopes and dreams of marrying again and having more children.
Lately I feel like I am doing better, but I am now grieving over my unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I come from a family of parents who love each other and have been together now for 49 years... and a family of eleven children. I never knew how many kids I would have, but I for sure planned on having more than one child and I planned to have a husband that I would grow old with.
I never knew before this happened that I could actually grieve my unfulfilled hopes and dreams. It is a grief that is as real as the grief I have felt over the loss of Aaron. It hurts my heart when I think of the coming years and how lonely I am and how lonely I know that Aaron Jr is when it comes to not having siblings to play with and to be his friends throughout his life.


This particular anniversary, I did something that I have not been able to do for the four years since Aaron passed away. When Aaron passed away, he was asleep at his parents' house. He was sleeping in a room that we used to stay in a lot when we would be there for the weekend.
Since the day he passed away, I have not been able to step foot in that room. I would walk past it at their house and sometimes I would pause, but usually I would walk past quickly. I couldn't foresee the day that I would actually want to walk into that room again.
The last memory I had of that room was of Aaron laying on the floor just inside the door and the paramedics working hard to bring him back. I never knew until that moment just how violent CPR is... but that is the final visual I had of Aaron and that room. It was not a pleasant memory... so I made up my mind that I may never go into that room again.
Well, this year, it had been on my mind a lot in the weeks prior to the anniversary and I figured I needed to overcome the fear I had and go and spend some time in that room. The anniversary was coming up, so I used it as my target date. Once the anniversary came along, I wasn't sure that I would be able to do it, but I wanted to try. So, that night, Steve and Sue took Aaron Jr out for an early birthday outing and I was alone in their house. I stood outside of that closed door for a while just sobbing.
I think one of the things that scared me about this was the fact that if I spent some time in that room, I wanted it to be a profound and special experience for me. I wanted to feel something or to have something happen that was amazing... and I knew that if nothing happened when I went in there, I would feel disappointment and discouragement.
I did eventually go in.
I wasn't feeling very well that night, so I decided I would just lay on the bed in the dark. I layed there for about an hour and a half just thinking, crying, and talking to Aaron... until I fell asleep. I woke up when Steve and Sue got home with Aaron Jr.
I didn't have any profound or amazing experience. I had hoped to, but I didn't. But what I did have was a feeling of peace in that room. What did happen was that I overcame a fear and an obstacle that has been on my mind OFTEN for the past four years. What can happen is that I plan to spend many more hours in that room where Aaron spent his final hours.

We sure miss you Aaron. We love you.


One last thing I wanted to share.... I hope my brother and sister in law don't mind me sharing this story on here, but I love this story.
My brother sent this as an email to our family a few months ago and he was telling this story about his wife, my sister in law, Kara. I am grateful that Kara was so thoughtful for this sweet lady.

My brother's email:

"Today Kara was walking from the parking lot toward All a Dollar when a sweet-looking
elderly lady came out with 2 red heart balloon and one "Happy Anniversary" balloon.
The red heart balloon slipped out of her hand and floated up into the sky while the sweet woman just stood there indecisively watching it.  Kara ran inside and grabbed a red heart balloon, paid in a hurry and got outside just as the woman finished backing out of her parking stall. 
Kara stood in front of her car and motioned for her to roll down the window...which she did.
Kara explained how she had seen the balloon float away and had really wanted to replace it.
The elderly woman thanked her and begged to be able to pay for the replacement balloon. 
Kara assured her there was no need for that, she just wanted help.
The woman thanked Kara again and said that it was their anniversary today and she was going to give the balloons to her husband.
Kara thought this was very sweet and went to say so, when the woman instead
finished her thought...
"I was just headed to the cemetery"."

This email came within a couple of days of mine and Aaron's wedding anniversary back in August, so when I read this email, it really touched my heart. Thank you Kara... for being so thoughtful and aware.

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Momza said...

Sweet Leslie,
Thank you for sharing your feelings and insight that touches my heart every time I come to "visit" your page. You inspire me to be more grateful for all that I have--my husband, my children, my family and faith. I hope that the blessing of another companion comes to your life soon and that your heart continues to heal with love. You are a choice daughter of our Heavenly Father and I can only think that there is a grand and glorious purpose for your sorrow.
Much Love,
Sr. A

Mindy said...

Oh, tears... tears for all of it. Love you, Leslie. I do understand the mourning of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. It's a small understanding I have... nothing like what you've experienced, but that's exactly what I felt with each of my 3 miscarriages. I hope that you will have fulfillment of all your dreams, somehow, someday.

Anonymous said...

Big hugs to you my friend.


Tracie said...

I am so glad you were able to spend time in the room he passed away in and plan on going back there. I can only imagine the anxiety. I have a story similar to this but mine is just with a differnt outcome. I have always wanted to go back to the house it happened in but 5 year later still havent. You give me strenght and courage to maybe one day do.

partypatt said...

You did a very brave thing by going into that room, especially when you weren't feeling well that night. I'm glad it brought you some peace to do that. Merry Christmas, Leslie, and may 2012 be a happy year for you and Aaron, Jr.

Scott / Lori said...

Big hug. I love you.