Thursday, November 29, 2012

Five Years

* * * * * * *
So, its been five years.
Five years since Aaron passed away.
Five years since I lost my husband, the father of our son.
Five years since my son lost his Dad.
Five years since our entire world was shattered and I felt more pain than I ever knew I could.
Five years since my heart broke and I knew for sure that a broken heart brings physical pain and not just emotional pain.
Five years since I became a single Mom.
Five years.

To say that it is surreal is an understatement.
I'm not quite sure how to feel about it...
So I will just start typing and see what comes of it.

So much of me wants to cry so hard and out loud about what has been lost...
And part of me wants to share the tender mercies that have come as a result of this experience.

My feelings are mixed so much of the time.
I want to move forward and allow the healing to come into my heart and accept the tender mercies of the Lord in this situation...
But my loyalties to Aaron and his memory sometimes feel like a bungee cord that only allows me to progress so far in my healing and moving forward before it snaps me back without a moment's notice because of the triggers that continually remind me what is missing in my life.
How do I cut the bungee cord without letting go of Aaron and the good memories we shared?
And how do I let go of the painful memories we shared? They are such a burden. A painful and a real burden. A heavy burden.

One sad thing is that we are used to our life the way it is now.
We are used to it.
Some might not view that as sad, but I do.
I don't like feeling used to it just being Aaron Jr and me...
because even though we are used to it, there is still a gaping hole where someone is missing.

The loss of Aaron left this hole, but I still have hope that it can be filled again someday.

It is so strange to say it out loud... FIVE YEARS.
Why is time such a paradox?
It feels like it was yesterday and at the same time, it feels like it was a thousand years ago.
This year all of the dates and days of the week are lining up with those in 2007.
Aaron passed away on a Thursday, and this year the anniversary is on a Thursday.
Because of this, I have been living that last week of Aaron's life with us all over again.
Replaying moments that were great and happy and also replaying moments that were pain filled and awful.
Some of those moments I have had to forgive myself for and some of them I have had to forgive Aaron for.
If I could offer advice to anyone, it would be to make sure you don't allow anyone you love to question your love for them on any given day... because you may never see them again.

Now, after writing what we became on that day five years ago...
I now want to share what we have become in these five years since...

In these past five years, I have become a stronger person.
In these past five years, I have become more independent.
In these past five years, I have been stretched, molded, refined, and shaped more than ever before, too bad I still have a long way to go before I have been stretched, molded, refined, and shaped 'enough', but I am on my way I hope.
In these past five years, I have become a pretty awesome single mom (some days I do not think so).
In these past five years, I have become more addicted to candy than ever before.
In these past five years, I have gained a stronger testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
In these past five years, I have gained more faith in Jesus Christ and His love for us.
In these past five years, I have survived weeks, days, hours, and even moments that I thought I could not continue breathing through.
In these past five years, I have learned more about forgiveness than ever before.
In these past five years, I have felt loved and my love has grown for my eternal family. They have been such a support.
In these past five years, I have learned more about myself.
In these past five years, I have learned more about what I want in my future husband.
In these past five years, I have received such love and support from my close and eternal friends.
In these past five years, I have gained more eternal friends that I never would have met if I had not become a widow.
In these past five years, we have been blessed by blog friends who have commented, prayed, loved us and cared about us... even without ever having met us.
In these past five years, I have had the privilege of watching Aaron Jr grow and become a compassionate, thoughtful, sweet, kind, beautiful, and amazing little boy. Raising this little boy is my greatest gift in life, he is my world. What a blessing he is in my life.

I am grateful for all that I have gained in these past five years. I still miss what I have lost, but I have truly gained so much from these five years.

I am grateful because I am blessed.

I love and miss you Aaron.
You are remembered every day.
I want you to know that Aaron Jr reminds me of you. Sometimes his facial expressions catch me off guard because they will remind me of one of yours and I simply cannot believe it. That is not something that would have been learned, that would be in his DNA. He feels like he knows you and talks about you often. He loves you and wants to be like you. We both love you and miss you. We are doing okay and will continue to be okay.

* * *

I heard this song a while back and have heard it more in the past week and a half than I have heard it before... and it makes me think of Aaron, so I wanted to share it.
It is called 'Stars' by Grace Potter and The Nocturnals.


Mindy said...

Thank you for the introduction to a new song! I love it. I love you, and am grateful for all the growth you have experienced in the last 5 years. I can't imagine the pain and sadness you have also experienced.

Momza said...

Your perspective reveals the great maturity you have in your understanding of eternal love. I appreciate the journey you have traveled and look forward to see what the next part of your journey takes you and Aaron Jr. You remind me that God's timing is not our timing, but His is more perfect. Thoughts are with you today.

Kristi said...

I also love the song by the way.
I admire your optimism about your growth instead of despairing over your situation. You are amazing. The Lord has good things in store for you.
Today as I was listening to the Sarah McLauglin Christmas cd, the song, "This is how I see you, in the snow on Christmas morning." I thought of you and how this will be your 5th Christmas since Aaron's passing. I cried.
We continue to pray for you and your happiness.
Love you so much

Tawnie said...

very nice post. It's nice to hear how you feel you have grown and to focus on the good. Beautiful song. I was looking through my blog today trying to find certain pictures of Jack from the last several years and I realized TODAY is my dad's one year death anniversary. Crazy. I forgot he died the same day Aaron did.
I love you Leslie.
Keep it up. You're doing great and it will get better.

Allred Mom said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and feelings as you've reached the 5 year anniversary of Aaron's death. As I have followed your blog, I've been amazed at the growth and positivity that you have shared. Because of our Savior, you are making it through this trial.

opsuzq said...

Leslie -I haven't ckd your blog in forever!! I used to read it regularly - I almost couldn't believe Aaron Jr - he has grown like CRAZY!!! So adorable (and tall for his age)!! So thankful you are continuing to heal - loved the song on this post!! Happy New Year!!!