Sunday, November 4, 2012

Mother and Son time

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I saw a movie last night called 'Chasing Mavericks'. I think it just barely came out, so I will try not to be a spoiler of the movie, but watching that movie made me very emotional.

In the movie, there is this kid who has a single Mom. Her husband, his dad, left them. In the movie, the mom struggles to function... I assume because of depression and loneliness. That is all stuff you see in the first 5 minutes of the show, so I am not spoiling anything yet. It is a true story about this boy. A neighbor of his is a surfer and he really looks up to that man. In the movie, the relationship between the boy and his mom, and also the relationship between the boy and his neighbor made me cry several times.

There were some things about the boy that reminded me of Aaron Jr. He was a cheerful and positive kid with a very bright countenance. The way he continued to believe in his mom and to love her was so sweet and touching. He was very forgiving of her and it reminded me of that first while when I struggled to function after Aaron passed away. Aaron Jr was very forgiving... and these days when I look back on that time, I just kick myself and wish I could have a do-over... but at that time, I was in survival mode and I guess I should try not to be too hard on myself. TRY.

The relationship of the boy with his neighbor was a heart breaker for me because in the movie, that relationship was compared to a father / son relationship... and I couldn't help but think about how much I wished Aaron Jr had a figure like that in his life. There are so many things that I cannot give to Aaron as his Mom, and those are the things that a father / son relationship would bring to his life. If he can't have a father right now, then I would love it if he could have someone like the man in that movie who would take him under his wing and be that figure for him.

There were many things about this movie that hit close to home, I wish I could share more about them, but I am having to refrain so that I don't spoil the movie. The loneliness and sadness of his mom was one of them though... among other things that I will not mention because it would take away from someone's experience of seeing the movie for the first time... but the thing that brought me to tears more than anything else was watching this sweet boy and his mom and their relationship and hoping and praying that I am doing a good job being his mom and raising him alone.

Before I was a single mom, the words 'single mom' would come and go as quickly as the word 'widow' because they were both situations I knew nothing about. Now that I am both, those words are words that describe me now. I never realize before being in this place how frightening and lonely it is to be raising children, or a child in my case, all alone. Its scary, its lonely, and its overwhelming.

I believe it was my sister who once told me about a bumper sticker that said:
"Want to know how much the world weighs?
Ask a single Mom."

Lately, when Aaron Jr is really wanting me to spend some quality time with him, he asks me to do something specific and then he will say that "it will be good mother and son time". He will either call it that to get me to join him quicker, or he will call it that while we are in the middle of whatever activity we are doing... "this is good mother and son time". He has it all figured out... if he calls it that, then I feel more compelled to leave whatever task I am in the middle of and I will join him immediately. And if we are already in the middle of it and he calls it that, then it melts my heart and it makes me want to ignore my chores even longer. It is so sweet and I just love it.

I SO desire to be the best mom. My mom was and always has been Super Mom. I want to be Super Mom. I always planned on being Super Mom to a lot more children, but I know I can be Super Mom to my one child. If I can be the kind of mom that he loves to spend time with and who he feels proud to call his mom, then I will feel like I am doing pretty good.
I hope and pray that I am doing good enough, and whatever I lack, I pray that Heavenly Father is helping to make up for it for Aaron Jr's sake.
I watch him sometimes and it is almost consuming for me to watch how lonely he seems to be... and when he talks about wanting brothers and sisters and wishing his cousins were his brothers and sisters, it just breaks my heart. As he watches his cousins with their siblings, he knows what he is missing out on in life and he wants it so badly... that relationship of having siblings.
He even prays every night... "bless my mom will get married again so she can have brothers and sisters for me".
Now if that is not heartbreaking, I don't know what is.
Aaron deserves so much better than what our situation is allowing him to have right now, and I just want him to have all of the righteous desires of his heart.

BUT, even though I shed tears often about what I wish he had in his life and what I feel like he is missing out on by not having a dad and siblings, he continues to be a positive and happy boy who is the brightness in my life.

He is my life, he is my world...
And I sure do love this boy.

~ ~ ~

An experience from this week:

Since I was younger, anytime I look at a digital clock and see the time of 11:11, I make a wish.
I have been doing that still and now Aaron Jr and I are both making wishes.

Me: Its 11:11, make a wish.
Aaron Jr: I wish for everything. I always wish for everything, except the time when I wished for a family.
(I almost cried after he said that.)

(two days later)
Me: Its 11:11, make a wish.
Aaron Jr: I wish to play games on the computer every day. I'm not w
ishing for everything anymore because everything would mean girl dolls and salad.
(I laughed so hard after he said this one.)

Aaron, you really are the best.
You make me smile so many times each day...
and YOU are MY everything.

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Kristi said...

It's just terrible. We wish those things for Aaron too...and you. The Lord knows best though. He has perfect timing.

Tawnie said...

Ditto to Kristi. Love you Leslie.

Ceri said...

I'm sure that Heavenly Father will bless both of you with all the desires of your heart, exactly when the timing is right, and make up a hundred fold for anything you have missed out on along the way. I wish it could be now for you both, but if you have to wait a little longer it will only be because it's really necessary - He knows best and is surely preparing the way!

Leslie, you already seem like Super Mum to me! (or Super Mom if you prefer :o) xxx)