I was going to be in bed 45 minutes ago, but after coming to my blog and seeing that I still have not posted any new photos and that I am not caught up on my blog, it made me sad and I figured I needed to type something so that the hard drive crash is not the latest posting.
My parents got home from their second full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a couple of weeks ago. It is really good to have them back. We missed them so much.
With their return, I am reminded that another year has gone by without the changes happening in my life that I had hoped for. The year they were gone was supposed to be 'my year'... it was going to be the year when my dreams would have at least begun to be fulfilled... maybe.
I have been having a hard time with this, but I am trying to just accept it and move forward... again.
With my parents being home and my brother's family coming for a visit from Oregon, there have been more family gatherings lately. I am always excited for those and I enjoy them while being saddened by them. I hate to admit that I feel both JOY and sadness at family gatherings, but it is true. At these family gatherings. I feel the JOY for the obvious reason of loving being with family. I feel sadness because it is a reminder right there hitting me in the face of all of the things Aaron Jr and I are missing out on by not being a part of a bigger family of our own. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have Aaron Jr in my life... he brings me so much JOY, but he and I are lonely. He sees his cousins interacting with their siblings and he wants that so badly... and I want that for him. He sees his cousins interacting with their dads and he wants that as well... and I want that for him. I see my siblings interacting with their spouses and I want that. I see my sisters and sisters in law talking about their families and the things they have in common because they all have bigger families and I want to feel those things in common with them as well. I feel lonely even in the largest of gatherings surrounded by a lot of people who I know love me. I hate feeling lonely, it is such a painful feeling. But I feel it often.
I didn't mean to vent when I started this posting. I almost just deleted all of that, but I guess I won't. I am sure when I read this blog down the road, I will sound like a broken record to myself... but at least I won't have any problems figuring out the desires of my heart during this time of my life.
Aaron's cousin Luke got baptized on Saturday. It was a very special day. Aaron has asked me before who is going to baptize him... I think the first time he asked me was after his cousin Jack was baptized.
Anyway, on Saturday after Luke's baptism, I was driving in the car with Aaron and we started talking about his baptism at the end of this year. When I asked him who he might want to baptize him, he said, "I wish Daddy was still alive to baptize me." My heart breaks every day when we have conversations that are similar to this. He told me last week that he 'wishes Daddy were alive so he could take him ice fishing". A little boy shouldn't have to have those thoughts in his mind. Anyway, he didn't have an answer about who he might want to baptize him. I have kind of avoided this topic because I don't even like to think about the fact that there has to be a choice about who will baptize him. A father should baptize a son. That is just how it should be, right? But it can't be that way, so I had hoped I would be married again by then and Aaron would have a father in his life who he would want to baptize him... but chances are, that won't be the case either. I wonder who Aaron Jr will choose. I know that I need to make sure that day is so special for Aaron no matter what. Whoever he chooses will be one blessed man. It will be such a privilege for them to baptize such a sweet and special boy.
Wow... I didn't know this posting was going to take this route, but there you go. Some of my thoughts over the past few days of being around family and attending baptisms.
My brother's family left early this morning to go home... it was a very sad day for us. We wish they lived closer... when they are here, I hardly even see Aaron because he is playing with their kids for hours on end. We miss them so much when they are not here.
At church yesterday, a friend of mine came to me and told me that I seem down lately. I knew that I felt down lately, but I thought I had been hiding it pretty well. I guess I haven't been hiding it as well as I thought, but I still think I have been hiding it pretty well since she is only the first who has mentioned it to me lately. Sometimes I try to get through my down times, hiding it all the while, then once I reach a time of contentment, no one has been the wiser.
These thoughts are feeling jumbled and like they don't make sense, so I will be done.
I taught a lesson in church to the Relief Society yesterday. The topic was The Holy Ghost... as I reflect back on what was in the lesson materials, I know I need to close my computer and pray for the comfort and peace that comes from The Holy Ghost. I am sure I will feel better after that.
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