Monday, February 25, 2013

A New Posting With Not So New Thoughts

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I was going to be in bed 45 minutes ago, but after coming to my blog and seeing that I still have not posted any new photos and that I am not caught up on my blog, it made me sad and I figured I needed to type something so that the hard drive crash is not the latest posting.

My parents got home from their second full time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a couple of weeks ago. It is really good to have them back. We missed them so much.

With their return, I am reminded that another year has gone by without the changes happening in my life that I had hoped for. The year they were gone was supposed to be 'my year'... it was going to be the year when my dreams would have at least begun to be fulfilled... maybe.

I have been having a hard time with this, but I am trying to just accept it and move forward... again.

With my parents being home and my brother's family coming for a visit from Oregon, there have been more family gatherings lately. I am always excited for those and I enjoy them while being saddened by them. I hate to admit that I feel both JOY and sadness at family gatherings, but it is true. At these family gatherings. I feel the JOY for the obvious reason of loving being with family. I feel sadness because it is a reminder right there hitting me in the face of all of the things Aaron Jr and I are missing out on by not being a part of a bigger family of our own. Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed to have Aaron Jr in my life... he brings me so much JOY, but he and I are lonely. He sees his cousins interacting with their siblings and he wants that so badly... and I want that for him. He sees his cousins interacting with their dads and he wants that as well... and I want that for him. I see my siblings interacting with their spouses and I want that. I see my sisters and sisters in law talking about their families and the things they have in common because they all have bigger families and I want to feel those things in common with them as well. I feel lonely even in the largest of gatherings surrounded by a lot of people who I know love me. I hate feeling lonely, it is such a painful feeling. But I feel it often.

I didn't mean to vent when I started this posting. I almost just deleted all of that, but I guess I won't. I am sure when I read this blog down the road, I will sound like a broken record to myself... but at least I won't have any problems figuring out the desires of my heart during this time of my life.

Aaron's cousin Luke got baptized on Saturday. It was a very special day. Aaron has asked me before who is going to baptize him... I think the first time he asked me was after his cousin Jack was baptized.

Anyway, on Saturday after Luke's baptism, I was driving in the car with Aaron and we started talking about his baptism at the end of this year. When I asked him who he might want to baptize him, he said, "I wish Daddy was still alive to baptize me." My heart breaks every day when we have conversations that are similar to this. He told me last week that he 'wishes Daddy were alive so he could take him ice fishing". A little boy shouldn't have to have those thoughts in his mind. Anyway, he didn't have an answer about who he might want to baptize him. I have kind of avoided this topic because I don't even like to think about the fact that there has to be a choice about who will baptize him. A father should baptize a son. That is just how it should be, right? But it can't be that way, so I had hoped I would be married again by then and Aaron would have a father in his life who he would want to baptize him... but chances are, that won't be the case either. I wonder who Aaron Jr will choose. I know that I need to make sure that day is so special for Aaron no matter what. Whoever he chooses will be one blessed man. It will be such a privilege for them to baptize such a sweet and special boy.

Wow... I didn't know this posting was going to take this route, but there you go. Some of my thoughts over the past few days of being around family and attending baptisms.

My brother's family left early this morning to go home... it was a very sad day for us. We wish they lived closer... when they are here, I hardly even see Aaron because he is playing with their kids for hours on end. We miss them so much when they are not here.

At church yesterday, a friend of mine came to me and told me that I seem down lately. I knew that I felt down lately, but I thought I had been hiding it pretty well. I guess I haven't been hiding it as well as I thought, but I still think I have been hiding it pretty well since she is only the first who has mentioned it to me lately. Sometimes I try to get through my down times, hiding it all the while, then once I reach a time of contentment, no one has been the wiser.

These thoughts are feeling jumbled and like they don't make sense, so I will be done.

I taught a lesson in church to the Relief Society yesterday. The topic was The Holy Ghost... as I reflect back on what was in the lesson materials, I know I need to close my computer and pray for the comfort and peace that comes from The Holy Ghost. I am sure I will feel better after that.

Good night.

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Momza said...

HI Leslie,
I watch your journey with great interest, as you know. I don't have any amazing advice or inspiration to offer this morning; just wanted you to know that I hold good thoughts for you and your sweet Aaron two are quite the pair and whomever is on his way to scoop you up, must be very busy preparing his life to deserve you both. It reminds me of a quote by Neil A Maxwell: "Faith in God includes faith in His timing." You are a lovely young woman and mother--there is much left yet to add to your life's story. Have a good day.

Mindy said...

I'm sorry... I can imagine the loneliness would be horrible at times. Hugs.

Scott / Lori said...

I know a few people (recently)that have been baptized by people other than their fathers. It will be okay and he can choose someone special to him.
Love you!

Rebecca Adams said...

I can relate to feeling lonely at family gatherings, even though the reason is different for me. When we get together with Ryan's family, I feel lonely because we don't have kids. His two sisters both have two kids. I love spending time with all of them, but that feeling of loneliness and wanting children SO badly is always there. I don't feel that way with my family since none of my siblings have any kids yet, but my heart still hurts because none of us have any children yet. I can totally understand you when you wish you had a big family. I'm not sure how my parents feel, but I'm sure they would want some grandchildren! They aren't even grandparents yet. And my brother isn't married. It seems my whole family has to suffer for some reason. It's not fun, but I love the quote in the comment above that Momza mentioned: "Faith in God includes faith in His timing." I wish you and Aaron Jr. all the best! You both deserve it!

Chris and Kristy said...

You've been on my mind daily for many months. I pray for you daily my sweet friend. I'm constantly keeping my eyes and ears open for a wonderful man who would be perfect for you and Aaron Jr. My heart understands what it feels like to long for something. Years pass and it feels like life is going feel stuck. Everyone else seems to be moving forward and we wonder what's wrong with us. God provides. I read a simple yet very profound quote recently that struck me in the center of my heart. "Hold the Vision. Trust the process." I love you!

tammy said...

I can relate so well to this post. I recently lost my husband, and at our last family dinner, the first one since his passing, I was hit with those feelings of sadness, too. I wanted to be with my family, but at the same time it was hard to be there without my husband. I even started to text him like I usually would do when he was out of town and I was with family, and then realized he wouldn't be there to see my text. It's so hard. I hate it every day. We don't know each other, but I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hate it for both of us and for anyone else that has to go through it. Nothing seems right about it, even though we have faith and the knowledge that we do. Thanks for sharing your feelings. It helps to know that others "get it".