Aaron Sverre Harkness

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Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland


Aaron Sverre Harkness

March 29, 1977 - November 29, 2007

December 4, 2007 - This day should have been one that gave me a sense of closure, but it didn't.






It just didn't feel like I was really there. It felt like a day that I needed to just get through in order to get back to normal life... in order for life to continue the way it was supposed to... with Aaron. How could this possibly be my life now... living it without Aaron.




How could we live without him? How do I help Aaron Jr understand why his Daddy isn't here anymore? We miss him.


How do I teach him the things that his Daddy would have taught him? How do I watch him in his accomplishments throughout his life without his Daddy by my side watching with me? There is a hole in our hearts that won't be filled until we are together again.


Our wedding rings... reminders that we are sealed for eternity.


Our little cowboy...


















Sending our hearts to heaven...

Forever a Family

There are still so many regrets, so many wishes I have as I think about the last moments of Aaron's life. There are so many things left unsaid... and things left undone. As I sit and talk to him before I go to sleep each night... I tell him over and over the things I wish I could go back and say. I pray every night that he can hear me... that I can feel him near me... that he can somehow tell me that he loves me. In reality, all I have to do is think back on our time together and remember all of the times he told me he loves me... all of the ways he served me... all of the experiences we shared together. All of those should tell me that he loves me. So, why is it that I feel such a need to hear it from him just one more time? Maybe it was because he was taken so suddenly. With no preparation. So many moments stolen. The final moments that we spent together... they could have been so much better if we had only known what was to come.
But we didn't know what was to come... so why didn't I kiss him one more time? Why didn't I tell him one more time how much I love him? Why didn't I tell him everything that I feel in my heart? I can only pray now... that he knows. I can only pray that our loving Father in Heaven allows Aaron to see into my heart so that he knows the love I have for him.
I still haven't been able to write down my feelings from that day. I feel them. Those feelings are as real now as they were that day. I still feel the devastation and the fear I felt. It was hard to even breathe. I still feel the horror I felt as I lived my own personal nightmare... a nightmare that I would never wake up from. A nightmare that was more horrifying than anything I had ever imagined myself living through. My heart hurt as it does now. I feel now as I felt then... broken.
I pray for peace. I pray for comfort. I do feel it at times. I know that our Savior, Jesus Christ, will heal me. I know that if I allow Him to... He will take my burden upon Himself. I am trying to let Him... pieces at a time. Part of me wants the burden... just until I am with Aaron again. But I know that our purpose here isn't only to suffer. Our purpose here is to learn and grow from our suffering and to submit ourselves to the Lord so that He can lead us home again. He is waiting for us to come to Him so that He can heal us and give us the strength that we need to overcome all of our weaknesses and all of our sufferings. Our purpose here is to show Him that we have faith. Faith in Him. Faith in His promises.
* This word kept going through my mind last night as I typed this... and now after reading a couple of people's comments, I decided I must add it in since it was on my mind. It is just that I haven't found this yet since Aaron passed away... our purpose here is to find joy. True and lasting JOY.

I love Aaron... with all of my heart. I truly know that we will be together again someday... if I do my part. This knowledge is what brings me the peace and the comfort I need to be able to press forward. And I will press forward... WE will press forward.

I love you Aaron... Always...

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Missing My Cowboy

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'The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.'
-Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook



The last few days have been some of the most difficult days yet. Nothing major happened... just a whole lot of realizing what I am missing out on in the daily routines of life. I cry myself to sleep at night and in the morning, the floor looks like it has exploded in kleenex. They are all over the floor when I get up in the morning. The nights are so hard. Even now as I sit here at 2:01 am, laying down to go to sleep is the last thing I want to even think about doing.
I have been fighting so hard against this becoming 'my normal' and I keep having daydreams about going home to our beautiful home and Aaron being there working out in his wood shop.
I daydream about doing the dishes in our kitchen and watching him through the kitchen window and through the windows in the shop. I LOVED when it was dark outside and I could see him working on his furniture without him even knowing. I miss it so much.
I daydream about him coming in from the shop for the night and me finding his dirty socks on the kitchen counter because he didn't want to get sawdust all over the house. Why he put them on the kitchen counters, I will never know... but I miss it.
I miss him laying on the couch while we watched a movie and me sitting at the bottom of the couch with his legs or feet on top of my legs. I miss him trying to tickle me with those feet.
Believe it or not... once in a while I would clip his toenails... and I even miss that. What I would give for another chance to clip his toenails.
I miss watching him fuss over all of the deer antlers that he had hanging in the garage. I miss going out to his shop to call him in for lunch or dinner. I miss taking Aaron Jr out to the shop after his bath and letting them say goodnight to each other.
I miss racing to the mailbox to get the mail. I am almost certain that he always won.
I miss walking past the office and seeing him with his back to the door sitting there on the computer looking at another Chris LeDoux website. I would giggle as I walked by and he would always tell me that he 'just barely got on that page'.
I miss his snoring. I miss his cold feet under the covers. I miss cuddling as we layed there falling asleep. I miss bringing Aaron Jr into bed with us in the mornings and laying him between us just so we could get a few more minutes of sleep.
I miss watching him out in the garden... so proud of the vegetables that were growing out there. I miss watching him plant another tree in our yard. I miss watching him mow the lawn while I fussed over the flowers I planted in the spring. I miss mowing the lawn while he is gone to work and having him be grateful that it is already done when he gets home.
Even though it annoyed me when he was here... I miss him being late all the time. It was so Aaron to be late for almost everything. I miss him coming home and the look on his face knowing that he is late and I have been waiting with dinner ready for over an hour (sometimes several hours).
I miss his chuckle when something struck him as funny. I miss him singing to his country music in the car or up in his office, even though he said he couldn't sing. No matter how on tune he was or not... I LOVED it when he sang.
I miss watching him wakeboard. I miss sitting next to him in his boat and watching him drive his boat enjoying EVERY SINGLE moment that he got to be on the water. I miss when we were dating and newly married when he would be driving his boat and he would look at me, pat his leg, and motion me to come and sit on his lap while he drove the boat.
I miss bickering about his motorcycle. I was always scared that he would get hurt when he went riding. I miss his phonecalls on his way home from hunting letting me know he was on his way and that he is safe... then telling me how big his deer was.
I miss the excitement I STILL got whenever he walked into a room. I didn't show him that I still got excited nearly enough.
I miss the way he always took advantage of every moment that he could teach someone something. Sometimes I didn't want to be told how to clean the kitchen or decorate a shelf, but now I miss that. He taught me how to wakebaord. I always tried to make him so proud. I would never have been as good as him in a million years, but he loved that I enjoyed going with him.
Though it didn't happen very often, I miss when he would tell me that I looked good on a certain day or that he liked a specific article of clothing on me. I still remember the last time he complimented how I looked... it was just a couple of weeks before he passed away. The shirt I was wearing that day, I wore it more in those next couple of weeks than any other article of clothing.
I miss his hands. I miss his paint covered, oil covered, dirty hands. Even after washing them, there was always paint on them. There was always paint under the fingernails. He had great hands... so strong and yet so gentle.
I miss his scruffy face. He hardly ever shaved all of his facial hair off and I actually thought he was so handsome either way. He was handsome no matter what.
I miss the excitement he got when he had a neat story to tell me... or had another idea about what we could do to the house. I miss the ideas he had about the places we should go and the things we should do together. I wish I hadn't worried so much about our finances and just went ahead and let him take us to these places using our credit card.
I miss how excited he was to come home and show me some new shirt or outfit he bought for Aaron Jr at Target or at the CAL Ranch store.
I miss the roar of his Ford powerstroke truck coming down our street and being able to hear it from several houses away. I loved watching Ode and Aaron Jr run to the door waiting to see Aaron walk through the door... because they could hear the truck as well.
I miss the things unsaid and the things undone. I want to go back and tell him things and do things for him that I never got a chance to.
I miss the safety I felt just knowing that he was mine. He IS mine. That is the only comfort I find... knowing he is still mine. I am SO grateful for that knowledge that we have... of eternal families.
It is so hard not having him here. Tonight there was a western movie on TV. He ALWAYS watched westerns when they were on TV. The one that was on tonight was called 'The Magnificent Seven'. I remember him bringing that one home on DVD and watching it together. For every birthday and Fathers Day... I tried to buy him westerns. He loved them so much. He loved John Wayne, so those were what I got him most of the time. We would watch those together as we layed in bed falling asleep. My dream is that my cowboy will ride up on his horse and three of us will ride away into the sunset like they do in those old movies.
Aaron Jr is speaking in sentences now. He wasn't doing that before. I want Aaron to hear him. I want Aaron to be here to sit on the floor playing with him. I want to go to the park as a family. I want to go sledding as a family. I want to go horseback riding as a family. I want to lay on our bed as a family trying to get Aaron Jr to sleep when he isn't feeling well.
The day to day... that is what is so painful. Mine and Aaron Jr's worlds have been turned completely upside down and inside out. The man we used to spend every day with is gone. The man we looked forward to spending time with each day... is gone. The man we planned our future with... is gone. The man we love... is gone... from our every days. Not forever... but for now.
I want Aaron to be here with me... as I sit here at the computer with tears streaming down my face... so that he can give me a hug and tell me that things will work out... things will be okay.
If you look closely in the photo above, you can see both Aaron Jr and me in the lense of his sunglasses. We were at Lake Powell this last June and we were sitting there next to him as he relaxed watching his fishing pole waiting for a bite. He loved fishing at Lake Powell just as much as he loved being out on his boat or wakeboarding behind it.
There were so many things he wanted to teach us. He loved it when I would sit with him and fish. I got bored more quickly than he did... but I can't even tell you how much I would love to be sitting next to him on the banks of any lake watching him fish and just enjoying the time spent together.
Those tender moments... just memories now. The precious time together... all in the past.
I can now only ponder on the memories from our past... and look anxiously to our future together after this life. It can't come soon enough.

I love and miss you Aaron... more and more every day.

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Polar Express on the Heber Creeper

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Me with Aaron Jr

Back in the summer, Aaron's parents got us all tickets to ride on the Heber Creeper (Heber Valley Railroad) a few days before Christmas. At Christmastime, they make believe it is the Polar Express.
They gave ever hot chocolate and a cookie. The kids all come in their pajamas. They read the story 'Polar Express'. They sing Christmas carols.
It was something we had been looking forward to for months. It was an exciting thing to look forward to as a family.
Once Aaron passed away less than a month before Christmas, everything to do with the Christmas season became things that I dreaded. I didn't want Christmas to come, I didn't want the Polar Express ride to come, I didn't want to celebrate. Aaron's parent's asked me over and over again if I wanted to still come with all of them. The truth is... I didn't want to go. I was going to be the only one there without their spouse. I truly didn't want to do anything that we had looked forward to doing as a family. The reason I decided to go wasn't for me... it was for Aaron Jr. Even though he would not have known the difference if we had never gone, he deserved to have fun that night. It was very difficult. I see why it is such a neat thing for people to go and do together as a family... but my time on the train was mostly spent thinking about what we were missing out on not having Aaron there with us. The tears could not be kept away. Just watching the other fathers with their kids and watching the husbands with their wives... it was just so painful. There have been and will continue to be so many things that we experience without Aaron that we had planned to experience together... so these feelings are not behind us. They are so fresh and new and these times will continue to be so very painful. He is so missed.
I am glad I went though. Aaron Jr had a great time. He was happy... and the experiences that he can be given that will bring him joy are experiences that I should not deny him. I am glad we went.
Below are some photos that I took that night. I believe it was the first time I had taken any photos since Aaron had passed away.


Aaron Jr


Grandpa & Grandma with all of the grandchildren
Outfits are from Grandpa & Grandma


Aaron Jr


Me with Aaron Jr


Christa, Steve, & Isaac (Steve is Aaron's brother)


Malia (Steve & Christa's daughter) &
Grace (Nick & Sadie's other daughter)


Nick, Sadie, Pearl, & Sophia (Sadie is Aaron's sister)


Dave & April (April is Aaron's sister)


Susen with Grandma (Susen is Dave & April's daughter)


Grandpa with Aaron Jr


Aaron Jr


Me with Aaron Jr (he isn't picking his nose... this time)

Thank you to the Harkness' for this adventure. Though Aaron was painfully missed that night, Aaron Jr had a good time. I am glad he got to have this experience.

We love and miss you, Aaron.

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December 1, 2006

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I had wanted to put a photo of Aaron Jr's first birthday in that last posting, but forgot. Besides the actual birth, it was the only birthday Aaron was here for. So, I wanted to post this photo from last year. As you can see, Aaron Jr got down and dirty. The cake fell to the floor and that is when it was all over. Aaron Jr even got Daddy's face dirty... always wanted to be like Daddy.
Last year on Aaron Jr's first birthday, we wanted to celebrate with just our little family. So, we had cake in the morning, then we headed up Spanish Fork Canyon in the afternoon to go and cut down Christmas trees. It was really snowy and cold, so I had to stay in the shallower snow with Aaron Jr while Aaron went in deeper to find and cut down some great Christmas trees. Before Aaron Jr was born, I would help Aaron with the choosing of the tree because I could go where he went, but this day, I stayed with Aaron Jr while Aaron picked and cut the trees. Then, once he was back with each one, I would put Aaron Jr in the truck and I would help Aaron carry the trees to the truck. This was a tradition we had planned to have throughout our lives. We thought it would be fun for our kids to go each year... pick and cut down our Christmas tree. We had fun while it lasted.

I loved that time spent with Aaron each year. I love and miss you Aaron.

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Happy? Birthday

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Because there was no way I could post Aaron Jr's birthday parties at the normal time, I am backtracking so that his birthday is recorded. Thanks April... for taking these photos with my camera. I just couldn't bring myself to pick up a camera yet.



Here is Aaron Jr. His 2nd birthday was 2 days after Aaron passed away. I can't even describe the sadness of that day. I put a smile on my face for Aaron Jr. His birthday needed to make him feel special no matter what had just taken place. It was very difficult. I could tell he knew that his Daddy was missing. He still seemed to have a good time, but I just keep picturing what Aaron would have been doing during that day. Just a couple of days before Aaron died, he and I had discussed what we should do for Aaron Jr's birthday. We discussed going sledding, but Aaron Jr had a runny nose, so we weren't sure if he should be out in the cold. Aaron suggested taking him to the zoo... we had never taken him and we had wanted to for a while. We decided to play it by ear depending on how Aaron Jr was feeling later in the week. Well... later in the week, Aaron passed away. We never got to take Aaron Jr to the zoo.
There was a distinct void that evening as we celebrated Aaron Jr's birthday. The hole left from Aaron's absence that day was heartbreaking.


Grandma Harkness and Aaron Jr.


This was the best photo to try to see the belt that Aaron Jr is wearing. The reason he is dressed as a cowboy is because his Daddy was a cowboy. His Daddy was a jack of all trades... he enjoyed so many things, but he LOVED being on his horse in the mountains. A little over a week before Aaron passed away, he came home with this belt. He said that he thought it was perfect for Aaron Jr. It is a cowboy belt through and through. I told him that since Aaron Jr's birthday was coming up, we should save it for his birthday. So that was agreed to. So, Aaron never got to see it on Aaron Jr. Aaron also bought the black vest for Aaron Jr WHILE I was still pregnant with him. I don't think he even knew that he was going to be a boy yet. I know he just hoped.








Grandpa Harkness and Aaron Jr.


His second birthday cake at my parents' house.






Bath time in the kitchen sink.

Thank you everyone... for helping to make Aaron Jr's birthday fun for him.

Since this posting is about Aaron Jr... I thought I would take a minute and talk about him. It took Aaron and I a while to get pregnant. All I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother. It took a while, but I finally got to be both. I have always been so grateful for Aaron and when Aaron Jr came along... I couldn't believe how blessed I was to have my dreams come true. To be a wife AND a mother. What blessing is more treasured? I always pictured lots of kids running around our house and Aaron and I growing old together. Well... it was cut short. Our time with Aaron was cut short. I cannot begin to explain the heartbreak I feel for myself... but the heartbreak I feel for Aaron Jr... it is even beyond that IF that is possible. At least I understand what is going on. I understand where Aaron is, what he is doing, and that we will be with him again someday. But Aaron Jr... two years old... he doesn't understand. I truly believe that there have been angels around him guarding him, protecting him, helping him grieve in his own little way. The last few days, he has been a little more clingy... he comes up and wants to sit on my lap and will just stare at the photos of Aaron. When he says 'Daddy'... it rips my heart out, but I am so glad he does say it. I want him to remember his Daddy. I want him to know his Daddy. I want him to be like his Daddy. I pray that he gets to have great dreams about his Daddy every night. Who knows? Maybe that is how Heavenly Father is helping him through at this time... to have wonderful dreams about his Daddy.

The song that is on my blog. It is one of 'our songs'. It always has been. Whenever I have my blog open the last couple of days, Aaron Jr will come up next to me at the computer and will start singing along. He doesn't say all of the words, but he will just sing along and then the last word of each line, he sings that word more clearly. Yesterday, he was singing with a lot of heart. He had his eyebrows furrowed and he was giving it all he had. It was so precious.

One more thing I have noticed about Aaron Jr. More than ever, he carries stuff around with him like he has to hold on to it and not let it out of his sight... or else. He will carry a cookie around for an hour and never take a bite... it is almost like he is protecting it. He has a couple of new toys that he tries to carry around all at once and even though his small hands can't handle it all, he tries so hard to make sure he has all that he wants. He protects his 'stuff'. As I have sat and pondered on why he is doing this... the thought has kept coming to my mind that maybe he realizes that he has lost something SO important to him and maybe if he protects his 'stuff'... then he won't lose anything else. I don't even know if that makes sense. It makes sense in my head, but it is hard to explain.

Two years old. That is so young to have to go through the grief and pain of losing his Daddy. I know he will be grieving at different times throughout his life, but right here, right now... I am watching him grieve and it is almost unbearable.

I love both of my cowboys. This little cowboy of mine that is still here is now the most important person in this world to me. I pray that I can help him with what he needs and help him to know who is Daddy is. I love you Aaron Jr. You mean the world to me.

We love and miss you, Aaron. You are our everything.

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2:57 am...

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I can't stop sobbing. I went in to bed a little while ago and started praying and could not get through my prayer before the tears came. Once I finished my prayer, I started talking to Aaron. I want so badly to tell him what I feel, so I guess I thought that by talking out loud to Aaron... he might hear me.

I think I just hit a wall. This doesn't feel like reality. I feel like I will wake up any moment from this nightmare that I am being forced to sleep through for way too long.

I was going through some photos today... seeking out specific ones, but coming across others that I had forgotten about. As I searched through them and would come across ones where Aaron was laughing or smiling so big... it just hit me like a ton of bricks... he looks too alive in these photos for him to really be gone. How can he look so happy and alive in a photo, but in reality be gone? There is something so unfair about that. On the other hand... what a blessing to have them so that I can remember him that way.

Sleep just isn't coming. To lay there in bed without Aaron is so difficult. I never understood when people would talk about how they can't sleep if their spouse is touching them... I am so grateful that Aaron and I could both sleep while cuddling. There was nothing better than to be engulfed in Aaron's arms, feeling so safe, and drifting to sleep. I miss that.

I just can't stop sobbing. I feel lost without you, Aaron.

But, even though a part of me died with you... I know that a part of you lives on through me... and especially through Aaron Jr.



I love you, my Menino.

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New Beginnings or Scary Continuings?

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"Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past.
Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go."
-Brooks Atkinson


I like that this photo of Aaron and Aaron Jr seems like they are looking forward to the future. Like they are both full of hope in what the future holds.


2008 is here. Am I happy or sad about that? I really don't feel much either way when it comes to last year ending and this year beginning.

Actually, as I sit here and think about it, I am sad that 2008 has arrived. Even though 2007 has memories of the worst year I have ever experienced... 2007 also brought some of the most memorable experiences that I have with Aaron. Looking forward to 2008 brings me no such hope. I will never be able to look back at 2008 and remember experiences that I had with Aaron. Even though this should feel like a new beginning, it actually brings a lot of pain knowing I won't get to make memories with my best friend, my partner, my husband who I was supposed to create endless memories with.

Here are just a few reasons that 2007 was so memorable:
* I turned 30 years old, so Aaron took Aaron Jr and me to St. George and we stayed in an amazing place and went mountain biking in Snow Canyon. We had a great time together.
* Aaron turned 30 years old, and I planned yet another surprise birthday party with friends and family up in Park City.
* We celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary and Aaron took Aaron Jr and me to Brian Head to go mountain biking. We had so much fun.


Snow Canyon near St George for my 30th birthday.

What a blessing that we hit so many milestones this last year. Both of us turning 30? AND our 5th anniversary? It meant that had more adventures than we would have had otherwise... even though we really couldn't afford it.

The funny thing about the last surprise birthday party I threw for Aaron is that I told him I wouldn't be doing anymore because he had started to catch on. But really it just made it more challenging for me and I wanted to try to come up with something better each year. I would have still planned one for him this year. I couldn't resist.

As I was reading the blog of that Mom in Australia who lost her daughter almost a year ago, what she said regarding the new year rang so true to me. She mentioned that time won't heal the pain... "time will only make other people think it has".

As I thought about her words, they described how I feel so perfectly. As this last month has passed, I do not hurt any less... but I feel like people are expecting that time is healing me. I am not saying that I don't think I will ever feel better, I am just saying that the pain isn't getting any easier... it is just getting to the point where it isn't showing itself so outwardly anymore. I am holding a lot more emotion in than I was when it was so fresh.

Some days I feel like I am doing a little bit better, but then I will look down and realize that I have been wearing the same shirt for three days straight... sleeping in it and all. That is what happened to me today. I have lost the desire to 'fix myself up'. I did that for Aaron mostly. When I realized today that I had been wearing the same shirt for three days, I realized that I must not be doing as well as I am trying to be doing. I was doing that in the first week as well. So, I haven't come as far as I thought I had.

I hope this doesn't sound like I am losing hope altogether. It is just that I have days that are harder than others. I have tried all day to look into this new year and see something wonderful, but then as I sat down to type, I couldn't find anything wonderful once my feelings started to flow. Today has been a little more difficult for Aaron Jr as well. Every time I sat down at my computer today to start typing, he would come up to me and just want me to hold him. He would just stare at the photos that I have hanging up next to the computer. They are the ones that we took on our biking excursion up snow canyon for my birthday. He would just repeat the word 'Daddy' over and over as he looked at them. He threw in the word 'Mommy' a couple of times, but he was wanting his Daddy. All I can do is try to comfort him, since there is no way for me to know how he is feeling inside.

I guess one good way of looking at this new year is knowing that one more year is behind me... and puts me that much closer to seeing Aaron again. And since I know that will happen someday, that gives me hope.

Looking back, Aaron and I never celebrated the new year with big celebration... in fact, our very first new years eve together, some of Aaron's family came down and helped us throw all of our belongings into boxes as quickly as we could because we had to be out of our apartment by midnight that night. That is a funny one to look back on. Most of the time, we were just sitting watching TV or a movie and just spending time together the two of us. I would take one of those nights anytime now.

2008 will be a year of sadness... I know that. But... if I can make one resolution to make someone else's life better, it will be that I will try to make 2008 a great one for Aaron Jr. He needs to have great experiences and I pray that Aaron will be there with us for all of the important memories we will be making together. The moments when we can feel him with us will be tender mercies from the Lord.

Several people in my family get emails each day from something called LDS Gems. They send a daily quote from one of the church leaders. This one was given to me by a couple of different people the day after Aaron passed away:

"Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire." -Joseph Smith, 1842

I know this is true, yet... it doesn't take the pain away. My heart is still broken in a million pieces. But I know that God does have a purpose for what He is requiring of me. He has to. Or else what would be the point of going on?

Aaron... the half of US that is you is missing... and I look forward to when WE are complete again. I love you.

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