Friday, December 28, 2007

It Has To Get Better... Right?

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Today was an awful day.

It started out pretty okay... I got to see my friend Liz and then Rob and Kaily and their kids. They are here from San Francisco. It was good to talk to them about Aaron. It gave me a good cry, which I felt like I needed today.

It ended okay... my family had their Christmas party tonight. It was hard being there without Aaron, but at least I was with family. I had a few laughs, but all in all... I was very lonely.

It was the middle part of the day that was so awful. There is just a lot of stuff that I never realized I would have to be dealing with if I were to lose Aaron. Stuff that is so trivial to me in my mind right now when all I want to do is grieve for my husband. I won't go in to all of the stuff going on in my mind right now, it would just stir up the turmoil that I am trying to forget from today... but things that I feel are trivial are just so hard to deal with right now. They just don't matter in comparison to the loss Aaron Jr and I are experiencing. We miss Aaron so much and trivial things are just that... trivial.

It is interesting... the word 'trivial' has been coming to my mind so often ever since Aaron passed away. I have never used that word so often or even thought of that word so often as I have since the day Aaron died. Since it has come to my mind so often in the past month... I finally looked it up in the dictionary just to see what the actual dictionary definition was... and here it is:

trivial: of very little importance or value; insignificant; commonplace; ordinary

The loss of Aaron from my side in this earthly life has caused me to reflect more than ever on the things that are important and not the 'trivial' things. I don't even understand why I couldn't always feel that way... I wish I could go back and do things over with Aaron still here and feel this way as much as I do now. Oh the abundance of joyous days we could have had together if we had both just dismissed the trivial things that filled our days and replaced them with the more important things in life.

Yes, today was hard. It was actually the most difficult day I have had since the funeral. I wish I didn't have to deal with these 'trivial' matters... if Aaron was still here, these matters wouldn't even be issues to deal with. I am very lonely for Aaron. I want him back. I need him. I need him to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. I miss so much the way he would hold me as we layed there falling asleep together in bed. Precious moments such as these are the things I miss the most. I hurt so much. I feel so alone.

I love you Aaron.

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Melinda said...

Thank you so much for the thoughts on trivial things. We all need these reminders to cherish the special moments with loved ones... and to make as many as we can. I was wondering if there is someone there who could take care of some of those trivial things for you right now? Love you!

Kristi said...

We love you and ache for you.

seesalou said...
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seesalou said...

i'm so sorry leslie. thank you for putting life into perspective for all of us. we need it. john & i missed aaron at the party last night. we talked about it & about what he would have been doing at different points during the night. laughing sometimes and remaining quiet at times, playing with the kids, keeping tabs on junior. it wasn't the same without him. it was hard to see you there alone. we love you so much and we miss him too. you know we would do anything for you, right?

Liz said...

Thank you for reminding me what is really important.

Sheye said...

Dear Leslie
Your sister gave me the link to your blog. I feel every bit of pain in your is so familiar to me. I completely understand the disbelief, the anger, the engulfing sorrow...I'm so, so very sorry.
I promise you, I absolutely promise, that the pain will ease just enough for you to breathe in time. And then a little more. It's not yet a year since I lost Ava and there are still so many moments where everything feels as bleak as the day she left but amongst them, there are better, more bearable moments. I do smile and sometimes I even feel happy, for a minute. I know now that the missing never ends but life has a funny way of helping you adjust to your new normal. Your beautiful boy will bring you so much joy and peace in time...what an absolute gift he is. I hope your faith gives you an enormous amount of strength and comfort. Please email me any time. I understand.
Sheye Rosemeyer, loving mummy to Ava.

Karey said...

Sorry you had such a horrible night. We ached for your loneliness tonight. I wish we could spread your sorrow out to all of us so it would make yours easier to bear. We love you.

Joann said...

I love you Leslie. Please let me or Justin know if we can do ANYTHING to help you.