Saturday, December 29, 2007

One Month...

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Well, today it has been one month since Aaron passed away. How is it possible that the actual time is one month, but it feels like yesterday and also feels like 30 years ago? Part of me wishes it was 30 years later so that my time here without Aaron would be closer to coming to an end. Actually... MOST of me wishes for this. The only reason I don't wish this is because there is still so many things ahead to enjoy with Aaron Jr. It is just so hard to imagine enjoying many things without Aaron here.

Aaron Jr. and I went to the cemetery again today with my mom, my sister Karey and her daughter Veronica. The heart that I made was still patted down in the snow, but a little bit shallower since the sun had melted the snow some. The words I wrote were also still visible, but just barely... so I re-wrote them. Also, the photo I took on Christmas was still there in the plastic baggy I put it in.

There is no headstone. I want one to be there, but at the same time... I am not ready to go and pick one out yet. It needs to be perfect. It needs to be one that reflects Aaron's life. One that he would have picked out for himself. One that he would be proud to have there. One that shows to the world what kind of life he lived.

Going out and about with friends and family has been really hard. I actually have turned down almost all invitations to get out and do normal things. It is just too hard. I feel like if I go out and do 'normal' things, I will be accepting this as my new normal. This is what I keep telling my friends and family in response to their invitations. I don't know how long it will take for me to just go ahead and start doing normal things, but... one month... that just doesn't seem long enough. It is just so hard being around people in the world that don't know what I am feeling. Being around people who aren't grieving with me and who don't realize that the world has lost the most important person to me. These are the reasons I can't go out. I don't know why I am so into definitions lately. Maybe it is because I am looking for some reasons for why I am feeling the way I am feeling. The definition of the word normal is:

'conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural; serving to establish a standard'

I don't want this to be MY normal. I don't want this to be MY standard. How long will it take for me to feel normal? I don't know, but right now... I don't want to feel normal under these circumstances. This doesn't seem usual or natural to me and I don't want it to feel that way.

A mom from all the way across the world in Australia commented on my blog today. Her blog is one that my sister found while 'blog-hopping' and then shared her blog with me several months ago. It is beautiful. She lost her daughter almost a year ago and she wrote some very uplifting and kind words to me on the last posting. I thank her. Here is one excerpt from her comment:

"the missing never ends but life has a funny way of helping you adjust to your new normal."

I know this is bound to happen. I know that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. I know that He will prepare a way for this to happen... in time. I know that Aaron wants us to be happy as well, but because I have a mortal perspective and not an eternal perspective, I feel like happiness is so far away.

I love and miss you more than words can express, Aaron.

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Kristi said...

One month. It is sad for us to know how much you are aching, and now it is sad for us to go back home and not be more in touch with how things are going for you and Aaron. We love you and wish we could be here for you for as long as you want us. We will continue to pray for you and your healing and happiness.

Kristy G. said...

Leslie, you and Aaron, Jr. are in my thoughts and prayers daily. Sending my love,

Karey said...

Leslie, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Time is such a strange thing--so hard to define sometimes. The month has felt so short and so long at the same time. I'm glad we could go to the cemetery with you and little Aaron. We continue to pray for you. The little steps you take to accept your new normal are hard but necessary. Heavenly Father will be there with you as you make those little steps. I love you and miss you. Love, Karey

Anonymous said...


You are in my prayers. Just a quick speck of advice. These posts are pretty personal and I would hate for you to lose all of your personal thoughts and feelings you have posted. As we all know sometimes technology fails and I would hate to have you lose all of these thoughts if your blog goes kaput for some odd reason. So you might want to copy and paste them and save them in your journal entry on a disk or something.

seesalou said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
seesalou said...

"My prayer for each of us is that we will remember when the Lord has spoken His peace to us and has encircled us in the arms of His love. And just as important,will you,if you haven't felt that love
for a while, seek to see it and feel it as you go about the ordinary task of your life. As you do this, over the days and months and years of your life, the memories of those interactions with the Lord will become sweet
gifts to open a second time--or many times--to bolster
you when life is difficult."'Peace I give unto you,'the Lord promises, 'not as the world giveth, give I unto you' (John 14:27). Peace. Strength. It is what we long for and what is possible. We only need to turn toward His reaching arms."
(Kathleen H. Hughes, "Remembering the Lord's Love," Ensign, Nov. 2006)
I love you, Les.

Melinda said...

Leslie, it was so good to see you and talk with you on Sunday. I admire you so much...your strength (even though you may feel like you don't have any), your smile and laughter (even though I'm sure it comes painfully), and the way you can make others feel welcomed and loved, even when going through such a hard hard thing. I love you! Thank you so much for letting me spend some time with you. Love, Mindy

Joann said...

I just cannot believe it has been an entire month since we all lost Aaron. It hurts me to know that your heart has been aching for that long. It also hurts me to know that it will hurt for what seems like much longer. There is no time limit as to when you should heal enough to go on, but if you do your best, the Lord will help you with each step. Love you Les!