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Well, today it has been one month since Aaron passed away. How is it possible that the actual time is one month, but it feels like yesterday and also feels like 30 years ago? Part of me wishes it was 30 years later so that my time here without Aaron would be closer to coming to an end. Actually... MOST of me wishes for this. The only reason I don't wish this is because there is still so many things ahead to enjoy with Aaron Jr. It is just so hard to imagine enjoying many things without Aaron here.
Aaron Jr. and I went to the cemetery again today with my mom, my sister Karey and her daughter Veronica. The heart that I made was still patted down in the snow, but a little bit shallower since the sun had melted the snow some. The words I wrote were also still visible, but just barely... so I re-wrote them. Also, the photo I took on Christmas was still there in the plastic baggy I put it in.
There is no headstone. I want one to be there, but at the same time... I am not ready to go and pick one out yet. It needs to be perfect. It needs to be one that reflects Aaron's life. One that he would have picked out for himself. One that he would be proud to have there. One that shows to the world what kind of life he lived.
Going out and about with friends and family has been really hard. I actually have turned down almost all invitations to get out and do normal things. It is just too hard. I feel like if I go out and do 'normal' things, I will be accepting this as my new normal. This is what I keep telling my friends and family in response to their invitations. I don't know how long it will take for me to just go ahead and start doing normal things, but... one month... that just doesn't seem long enough. It is just so hard being around people in the world that don't know what I am feeling. Being around people who aren't grieving with me and who don't realize that the world has lost the most important person to me. These are the reasons I can't go out. I don't know why I am so into definitions lately. Maybe it is because I am looking for some reasons for why I am feeling the way I am feeling. The definition of the word normal is:
'conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural; serving to establish a standard'
I don't want this to be MY normal. I don't want this to be MY standard. How long will it take for me to feel normal? I don't know, but right now... I don't want to feel normal under these circumstances. This doesn't seem usual or natural to me and I don't want it to feel that way.
A mom from all the way across the world in Australia commented on my blog today. Her blog is one that my sister found while 'blog-hopping' and then shared her blog with me several months ago. It is beautiful. She lost her daughter almost a year ago and she wrote some very uplifting and kind words to me on the last posting. I thank her. Here is one excerpt from her comment:
"the missing never ends but life has a funny way of helping you adjust to your new normal."
I know this is bound to happen. I know that Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. I know that He will prepare a way for this to happen... in time. I know that Aaron wants us to be happy as well, but because I have a mortal perspective and not an eternal perspective, I feel like happiness is so far away.
I love and miss you more than words can express, Aaron.
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