Friday, December 21, 2007

Our Loss...

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I truly do not know how to even begin writing in my blog again. Part of me wants to abandon my blog for good, but the other part of me wants to share my feelings with whoever is out there to read about them.

I decided to start using my blog to tell the world what it has lost. Most of the world doesn't even realize that on November 29, 2007, the world lost a truly great man. The world lost a compassionate man, a spiritual man, a kind man, a man who was always thinking of what he could do to help others, a strong yet gentle cowboy.

Now I will tell you what I lost. I lost my best friend, my true love, my companion who was supposed to walk by my side throughout this life. I lost my husband, the father of our son. I lost an example of faith. I lost the man that I laughed with, the man I cried over, the man I worried about. I lost the man who rejoiced with me and the man who sorrowed with me.

When I say I worried about him, it is something that happened often. He was a man who loved adventure. All kinds of adventure... biking, motorcycling, snowboarding, wakeboarding, four wheeling in the mountains, scuba diving, horseback riding, hunting, etc. When he would go motorcycling or hunting, I would worry the whole time that he would get hurt. I was always assured that he was perfectly safe, but if you know Aaron, you know that he dared to do what most wouldn't dare to do. He loved adventure and he loved the thrill he got in life by doing the daring things. Though I worried about him, I loved this about him as well.

Though most of the world doesn't know Aaron, he is someone that everyone should know about.

I miss him so much. The day Aaron passed away, my soul became broken. My heart tore in two pieces. I felt physical pain from this. I have never felt this pain before and I pray I never have to feel it again. I know that the Lord will heal my broken soul and my torn heart when I let him. I know he is there waiting for me to ask him to help me to heal. But right now, the agony I feel, the pain in my heart, the ache in my soul... they all help me to feel connected with Aaron. The days that are busy when I don't have time to sit and think about Aaron and sob... those are the days that are harder for me to look back on. When I sob, I feel connected through the memories that are causing me to sob.

Aaron Jr is doing pretty good. Some days he will pull me by the hand and walk around the house looking for something that he wants. When I can't figure out what he wants, I realize that he must be searching for Aaron... his Daddy. My heart breaks for him. He knows his Dad hasn't been around for a few weeks, yet he is too young to understand why. He is having to grieve without understanding what the reason is behind it. His grieving will come throughout his life at the moments when his Dad would have been with him. He will grieve the day of his first sporting event, he will grieve the day he is baptized and someone other than his Dad will be performing the baptism, he will grieve the days he goes hunting or fishing or riding on the horse without his Dad to be the one to teach him, he will grieve when he is learning to drive a car, or the day he learns to wakeboard, he will grieve the day he leaves on his mission, he will grieve the day he gets married, and he will grieve when he has his children. This is another reason my heart breaks. It breaks for Aaron Jr thinking about everytime he will have to grieve for his Daddy throughout his life. The things he will miss out on. He will have the memories that people can tell him, but he won't be able to have his own memories WITH his Daddy. I am grateful that we have Aaron's family and my family to help us through this difficult time. They can also help Aaron Jr to get to know his Daddy because his family will have the stories from his youth that will help Aaron Jr understand how Aaron became the man I fell in love with and married.
I pray that he will be able to feel his Dad around him during these times when he needs his Dad the most. I pray that this tender mercy can be granted to him and to me.

I pray for the chance to tell Aaron how much I love him. I pray that I can understand how much Aaron loves me. I pray for the peace I need to sustain me through the days and months that lie ahead. I know that the Savior is there, waiting, ready to take my burden upon himself through the power of the Atonement. I know all I need to do is ask and have faith that he will do that for me.

I miss Aaron so much. I am in so much pain. I love Aaron with all of my heart and I look forward to the time when we will be together again.

Until we meet again... I love you Aaron.

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11 comments:

Joann said...

I love you Leslie. I miss Aaron, too. Although, I can't even begin to imagine what pain you are in. Thank you so much for what you write. You are an awe inspiring woman.

Matt & Shauna said...

I love you Leslie.

Ken said...

Tammy wanted to comment, but she is too busy crying. Your comments on Aaron were touching and it touched us greatly. We love you and know that the Savior can heal your pain. Our prayers are with you.

Ken & Tam

seesalou said...

thank you for your words. it was hard to read, but it gives a small glimpse into what you are feeling. i hurt for you. we are missing aaron along with you...and thinking of the good qualities he had & shared with us. i can't know what you are going through. i do know how strong you are though and that your faith in jesus christ will get you through this somehow. i am watching you and am amazed at how you bare things with strength that you find somewhere deep within. please know of our love & prayers constantly for you & aaron jr.

Kristi said...

I am anxious to check this frequently to know how you are doing, especially after we leave to go back home. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings and hopefully it can be theraputic for you. We love Aaron and you and Aaron Jr. You are always in our prayers.

K&K&kids said...

Your words are heart wrenching, but your strength is amazing. I am in awe of you. I am so sorry that you and Aaron Jr. have to go through this. Thank you for sharing what is going on in your mind and heart with all of us. Love ya.

brent said...

I think of a field with fresh snow untouched ready to be explored. Aaron jr. will have such a clear way made for him on behalf of his father. The adventure continues with Arron jr. Leslie look up more than down we love you. Brent and Autumn

Tawnie said...

We love you Leslie. Thanks for sharing the thoughts from your heart. It helps us to understand better. You are amazing and I love to hear your strength and testimony and knowledge that you will be healed.

Melinda said...

Thank you for sharing more about Aaron. It was beautiful to read. I am so sad for you, and Aaron Jr. I love you! Love, Mindy

Karey said...

I'm so glad you wrote. I hope that the writing will help bring you comfort as you put your thoughts and feelings into words. We love you and pray for you and Aaron Jr. and share your sadness as you now face life without Aaron. I'm sure Aaron knows how much you love him. The picture is beautiful. We look forward to seeing you soon. Love you,

MidgeMoney said...

My Father lost his first wife to cancer. He has never really been able to talk about her, her death, or the pain. I have been told that it took my Father two weeks to get out to bed after her death. My grandparents and church friends helped to take care of the three children they had. Your words have been able to help me understand the pain that he felt, feels, and still does not know how to express. Thank you for sharing. I know it is hard.