Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Thank You For Being Mine

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.
-Karen Sunde


All about my Valentine: Aaron Jr.

I had a date for Valentines Day this year. I took my Valentine, Aaron Jr. to Chili's for dinner. It was just the two of us and he was so cute sitting there like he was all grown up. He and the waiter had quite the conversation. It was really fun.

Here is when we were waiting for a table. Aaron Jr. was being so funny. I am not sure what he is doing here... maybe throwing some gang signs. :)

I took Aaron Jr. to the movie 'The Tale of Despereaux'. Afterwards, he wanted to paint, so... I let him paint. I tried to make it all about him. I kept asking him if he is my Valentine and he would say yes.

Before bedtime, I was upstairs working on something and I couldn't hear Aaron Jr. playing anymore, so I went partway down the stairs to see what he was doing. I ran to get my camera because he had our wedding photo in his hands. Once he saw me with the camera, he stood up and I told him to hold it for me. What a sweetheart.

The other day, I was at my sister's house and before I went up her stairs, I took my shoes off right here. When I came back downstairs, Aaron Jr. had put his shoes right next to them like this. I have to say... Aaron Jr. is a blessing in my life. I cannot express the love I have for him. He is the sweetest little boy I have ever known. He is also the happiest child I have ever known. It is this little boy who has kept me going this past year. Someday he will know the impact he had on my life. Someday he will know the joy he brought to me even in the darkest time of my life. Someday he will know that if it weren't for him, I would have had a more difficult time surviving this past year. He has given me more meaning and more purpose and I will be eternally grateful that I was blessed to be his mother. I love you, Aaron Jr. Thank you for being my Valentine this year.


All about my Valentine: Aaron

Valentines Day has never been a big deal to me. When I was single, I wasn't a girl who pretended that Valentines Day was lame just because I was sad that I was single on a holiday that celebrated LOVE. When I was married and I finally had someone to celebrate the holiday with, it was still not a big deal to me, but I was so grateful that I did have someone that I love to share it with. Last year, Valentines Day came so soon after Aaron passed away, I didn't really let it affect me too much. I just tried to treat it as any other day. This year, it was a little more difficult. It was a little more difficult for Valentines Day to come and go without being able to have my husband here to celebrate it with. It was on my mind a lot more this year than probably any other year... ever. As the day approached, I decided that instead of sulking on Valentines Day, I was going to take the other man in my life out on a date. Aaron Jr. and I had so much fun. It made it a little easier to keep my mind focused on something fun.
Once Aaron Jr. went to bed, that is when the loneliness started to set in. There really are certain days that it is more apparent that Aaron is gone. I am grateful that I was able to share that day with Aaron Jr. though. It helped a lot.
I am grateful for Aaron. I miss him more than words will ever be able to express, but I will forever be grateful for the man that he is.
On Valentines Day, I was listening to Dr. Laura, and she was doing a special program where she wanted people to call in with special Valentines Day stories or questions. Well, I tried for the better part of an hour to call in. I had no luck. Here is the story I wanted to tell...
As I reflected on our first Valentines Day together 6 years ago, I remembered what we did that day. My sister's husband had called Aaron sometime before Valentines Day to ask him if he could pay him to build a coffee table for my sister for Valentines Day. Aaron agreed. Aaron procrastinated sometimes when it came to building things... he worked better when he was up against a deadline. Anyhow, he put it off mostly until that day to work on the coffee table. So, he was in his shop for most of the day, then as the evening went on... it was getting later and later and we still hadn't celebrated Valentines Day together. John would have understood and been fine to give it to Lisa another day, but Aaron just wanted to finish this coffee table for John to give to Lisa that night, so he worked diligently on it until it was done. Then, we loaded it into the back of his truck and we headed to their house. If I remember correctly, we got to their house around 10:30 or 11:00 at night. Lisa was finishing getting kids to bed and John and Aaron carried the coffee table into the house and put it in the living room. When Lisa came upstairs, she was really confused about why we were there, but when she saw the coffee table, you could tell she was really excited. After visiting with them for a little while, we headed to Aaron's parents house to sleep over for the night instead of driving home. That was our first Valentines Day together. Of course, there were gifts exchanged, but as far as spending quality time together... nope.
What I wanted to say to Dr. Laura once I had told that story was how grateful I was for a husband who was so very service oriented. Of course, I wanted to spend the evening being together and showing each other how much we love each other and being kissy and huggy and all that Valentines Day stuff... but Aaron wanted to make sure John was able to give Lisa the Valentines gift he had wanted to give to her. I love this about Aaron. He was always serving other people and always trying to put other people before himself. It wasn't the most romantic Valentines Day, but my love for Aaron grew.

I miss Aaron. I miss seeing him walk through the door after work every day. The other day, while I was doing the dishes, and I actually daydreamed him coming through the door after work and coming up behind me and giving me a hug from behind. I daydreamed it. I imagined him walking through the door and just standing there and me knowing he was gone, but him telling me that he was able to come and see us so we could see him one more time. When I am in bed at night watching TV, I sometimes daydream that he is in the bathroom brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed. I could always see him doing that in a reflection in the mirror. When I walk up the stairs and past the office, I sometimes daydream that he is sitting there on the computer and I will picture myself walking up behind him and giving him a hug and a kiss from behind. I can't even tell you how many times each day I daydream just the random everyday interactions that we would have as a little family and my wish that we could have a routine day one more time.

I want to hear Aaron's truck coming down the street and the garage door open at about 5:00 pm and have Aaron Jr. run to the kitchen door to greet Aaron while I am making dinner.
I want to pick up Aaron's dirty clothes off the floor.
I want to clean his whiskers out of the sink.
I want to be watching TV with Aaron and have his feet on my lap.
I want to hear his deep gut laugh as he laughs at a joke.
I want to race him to the mailbox to get the mail.
I want to look out the kitchen window into his shop and see him working.

I want one more kiss and one more hug and one more hand hold.
I want to look over right now and see him laying next to me in bed.
I want to hear the words 'I love you' just one more time.
I just want him back... here... with us...

I miss you and I love you, Aaron...

* * *


Mindy said...

I love that you and Aaron Jr. celebrated Valentine's together! I love the picture of your shoes together... what a cute, sweet boy. I also loved reading about your memories of Aaron... I think those little every day things are the things that do matter the most. You are so beautiful in all of the pictures, and I know you're just as beautiful on the inside! :) Love you!

Kristi said...

It sounds like you made it a really fun day for you and Aaron. He is so cute. I really do miss his fun personality.
All of your memories of the little moments breaks my heart. I wish he could be there with you too! I hate to see you aching like that. You belong together. I am so sorry that you have the monumental trial of waiting until you can be together again. Love you guys.

Jennifer Bowman said...

my prayers are with you.
that is great you celebrated the day with your darling son.

Tabitha said...

Your boy is so sweet leslie ~ I love the picture of him at the restaurant.
I read the part about you and Aaron and how much you miss him and want just one more moment with him ~ with tears in my eyes.
Take care ~ thinking of you and sending you much love xxxxxxxxx

April said...

I thought about you a lot on V-day and wondered what you were doing. I am so glad that you made the very best of it and spent a wonderful date with Aaron Jr.! What a treasure for him (and you, of course)--he must have felt so special to be able to spend such a quality of a day with you!
Love to you!!!

Joann said...

Leslie, you had me in tears. I know you don't mean to make us cry, but your words are so beautiful. I know that one day you WILL be with Aaron again. And guess what? I think he'll even let you clean his whiskers out of the sink! You have his "I love yous" for eternity. I hope you know how much I enjoy and cherish your friendship. I'm sorry some days are hard, but you are amazing. You'll make it. And when you do, you will understand why you had to endure what you have had to. Love you, Leslie.

dani said...

i'm so grateful for you that you have such a sweet, handsome remnant of aaron in aaron jr. he is such a perfect blessing, leslie:)
how fun that you chose him as your date for valentine's day. it does sound like you had a great time. (he is growing like a weed!!!)
i know they don't even begin to compare to the real thing; but aren't daydreams such a gift!!! i think it says so much about you and your relationship with aaron that you miss even the mundane. the mundane, though, is the part of the person with which we fall in love, no!!??! all the other is just the icing.
take care, sweet leslie!!!

Anonymous said...

that was a special date that you will both keep in your heart for a long time.
i love the fact that you are finding the alternative to the down side! that is what you have to do to keep your sanity. i can't imagine how hard this is for you but i would give you all those things if i could...
smile in your heart knowing we are all pulling for your days to be glorious... and full of peace and hope.

Jyl said...

Happy Valentines Day! And I love all the adorable things Aaron Jr has been doing!

Anonymous said...

I want him back with you, too.

Sending you big cuddles,


Anonymous said...

Thinking of you always.

This time on earth is just a blink of the eye in the grand scheme of His Plan. You will be with Aaron again.

Until that time you are in all of our hearts and prayers.


Anonymous said...

I am a cousin to Lisa your sisters husband John. I am so sorry for your loss and wanted to show you this link for Bears.


They are made from lost ones clothing.

Tracy Boyd

Misty said...

I happened by your blog today, and I just felt like I should tell you how touched I am by your grace and strength. It amazes me that one can survive such loss with such faith. You are my inspiration today.