Thursday, January 14, 2010

goodbye 2009 * hello 2010

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Happy New Year everyone.

So, our New Years Eve was not the most fun one we have had. Aaron Jr and I were both sick... both on antibiotics. :) So, we spent the evening alone and watched movies and played with Aaron's lincoln logs.

This is the ornament I gave to Aaron for Christmas this year. I got this one because he mastered the tricycle this past year. I think I will make a new years resolution FOR Aaron and say that by the end of next year, he will be riding his bike without training wheels. Here's hoping. :)

Peek A Boo

Here is one of Aaron's creations out of the lincoln logs. He has been so obsessed with these since he got them for Christmas. Every night when it is time for bed, he asks if he can play with them when he wakes up. His creations are becoming so good. I am amazed and impressed by the buildings he is building. And without fail, whenever he finishes a structure, he wants anyone who is there to see it, then he immediately takes one of his toy animals and destroys it. :) Then starts over. I love that he is loving these so much.

More creations from the lincoln logs... and some photos of us. I LOVE all the different faces of Aaron in these photos.

Aaron showing off and opening our sparkling cider. This was our celebration at midnight after watching the ball drop in New York City on TV.

Aaron Jr and I beginning the New Year...

It is strange... there are people all over the world who are suffering in one way or another. Whether it be physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually... whatever... so I never want to portray myself as thinking that my trials are worse than someone elses trials... each person's trials are difficult for them.

I have been having a really hard time lately. I have been trying to hide it... sometimes I feel a little numb as I try to avoid the emotions and grief I am feeling. This is how it has been lately. I want to share some thoughts and feelings of mine lately. Sometimes I feel like people are expecting more out of me than where I am right now in this process. This process of continuing life without Aaron. I miss Aaron SO much. SO SO much. Lately, I have been feeling extra alone and I have been overwhelmed with the tasks at hand. I am trying to make sure I am giving Aaron Jr what he needs... trying. And I am trying to still live the dream of being Aaron's mom and not worry about what else I could or should be doing. I LOVE being with him.

It has been just over two years now and I don't know where I should be in this process of 'picking up the pieces' of what feels like a shattered life and a shattered dream. My dream of being a wife and a mother to a growing family. It has been extra difficult for me lately to see families who are complete... with both parents and kids... living normal lives. I want that life that consists of me getting my husband and kids off to school, staying home with the young kids, housework, picking the kids up from school, helping them with their homework, making dinner and eating dinner as a family, getting the kids ready for bed, getting them in bed, then having some time with my husband. This is the life I have always dreamed of. This is the life that I knew would be fulfilling for me. I have never ever wanted anything else. So it has been difficult watching families together... talking about their plans... talking about regular things that they are doing... regular everyday conversation or interaction. Watching husbands and wives together... and watching fathers with their kids... THAT is so tough. It makes me wonder what Aaron Jr. thinks when he sees his cousins interacting with their Dads. I know it is painful for me. It doesn't mean I don't want others to have that, it is just difficult to watch knowing we can't have it. So, now that I don't have my husband here, and a growing family... I am struggling to figure out what I am supposed to do now. The dream I have had my whole life ended the night Aaron passed away. I am still living the dream of being Aaron's mom... but I want to be a wife as well. And I want to be a mom to more kids. I want Aaron Jr to have brothers and sisters. It doesn't mean I won't have that dream again someday... but I don't know when and I don't know for sure that I will. So... now what? I know that life doesn't always go as planned. Believe me... I know. I know that things happen and it shifts what could have been into what it actually has become. Should I be to the point where I am putting those pieces back together? Or is it okay for me to still feel like I am just picking up the pieces?

Once the house sold, I knew that was a huge step for us. It was a big obstacle to us feeling financially free... and it was also something I could use as an excuse to not move forward. I kept saying things like 'as soon as the house sells... i will...'. Or, 'once the house sells, I will go through our things'. Well, the house is sold... and with the sale of the house, it brought on pain of not having the house, other stresses in trying to get settled into a new place, the huge task of finally having to start going through all of our stuff and figure out what to do with it all. So... yes, I still feel like I am in the 'picking up the pieces' stage... not necessarily the 'putting the pieces back together' stage.

Before I go on, I have to share my gratitude for my son. In this photo, he picked up this phone and was having a full blown conversation with Daddy. It was precious. I know I would not have the amount of joy I have in my life right now if it were not for this little boy. He is a gem. He is a treasure. He is a hero. I love you, Aaron Jr.

I heard from many other widows that the second year after their husband's death was more difficult than the first. I was so set on making sure our second year was not more difficult than the first. I think I may have succeeded... I am not sure... they were just so different. But the beginning of the third year so far... it has been so very tough. It has been more tough than the beginning of the second year from what I remember. I did not expect that at all. I didn't have many expectations about how it would be, but I know I didn't expect to be having SUCH a difficult time.

SO... in the year 2010, I HOPE to reach a point where the pieces of a shattered life are being put back together... for my sake and for Aaron Jr's sake. I have HOPE in this.
It is a very difficult trial to endure. I go through roller coasters of emotions. I don't know how people survive loss to this magnitude without having the Lord in their lives. I swear there are times when I feel like I can NOT survive the despair I feel... but then the Lord steps in and helps carry the burden. So, I know He is helping me pick up those pieces. And He is the one who will help me put them back together.

I really HOPE this new year holds a lot of amazing and wonderful things for Aaron Jr. and me. Mostly, this year I want to have HOPE. I want HOPE to be my main resolution for this year.

HOPE for a brighter future... HOPE for a JOY filled year.

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LL said...

I HOPE you have a wonderful year. I hope you find all the happiness, comfort and peace you deserve.
And you deserve it all!
Love you Leslie, I'm sorry you're hurting~

Claire said...

I have no words. I've typed out about 6 different responses. You are an inspiration. I don't know how you deal with your pain. I couldn't. Your boy is just precious, and he is the key to you having more joy and hope in your life. The future can only bring you good things.

I hope you find your hope and your joy in all things this year.

Mindy said...

Leslie, I'm sure there is not any place you "should" be right now. Everyone's grieving process is different, and I would imagine that most that had lost a husband wouldn't be any further along in the grieving process than you are now. I'm so sorry that it is so hard... and I can see why seeing others living the life you always wanted would be heartbreaking. You are an amazing woman, and you still find so much joy even through your horrible trials. I love you!

Chris and Kristy said...

Wanting something so bad, and seeing others living your dream is SO, SO painful. I understand that in a different way through different trials in my life. Sometimes I hated the fact that I still had HOPE after so many ups and downs, yet that is the one thing that I clung to.
I love you and wish I could carry some of your hurt and loss. I too am thankful for our Heavenly Father who carries us when we it seems we can't walk any longer.
A friend tole me something a long time ago that helped me through my years of wanting and hoping. "You don't have to make others ok with your decisions or where you are in life."
I am proud of you Leslie.

Kristi said...

I'm sorry you have been having such a difficult time. This phase of your grief is yet another dimension to the saga of this trial. I am sure it will always hurt to some degree. Here's to hope and happiness in 2010. We love you.

Tawnie said...

Love you Leslie. I'm sorry.
You sure have a sweet little boy there though. I hope this year is wonderful for both of you.

Haley said...

What a beautiful post. I want you to know that through your bloggin, I have been more thankful for the things I have. I certainly, don't mean that as any offence to you, but because of your beautiful words, I have tried to not take for granted the things that I have. I cannot thank you enough for that. I am so sorry for your loss and your greiving. I will contintue to keep you in my prayers.

Clippy Mat said...

Hope is the greatest gift.
Hang on to it and keep moving forward and living the life that you have. You are inspiring many people to think, and to be grateful and that is an awesome thing.
Your son is growing so much. He's a tribute to you and his father.
I hope you will find some joy this year too.
You deserve it.

Lisa said...

i'm sorry to hear that you are quietly hurting. you have been so helpful & thoughtful to me lately without even a second thought. that means even more now. love you.

Brooke said...

((((hugs)))), that's all, big hugs...

Kate, Alek, Hank, and Cash (RIP RED) said...

Mercy I wish I could copy a few of those paragraphs right into my blog as you said then so perfect. I must say that I know this is all different for everyone but I am not having a great start to the beginning of 2nd year at ALL.. Uhh I have a really heavy heart and miss my husband so much. I also am missing being what I always wanted to be a wife and mother, although I do have my blessing Alek, and as you shared as well Alek is also a blessing and what motivates me every day along with my faith. Leslie your writing is beautiful and I spent my new years the same why just without the antibiotics and being sick...Just me and my little man at home!
Thinking of you and lets pray for 2010 to help our heavey hearts..
SMILE woman
Kate and Alek

Seivert/Webb Family said...

My Dad passed suddenly almost six years ago, and my Mom is still DEVASTATED. There is no "normal" and it's one step forward and two steps back process, and there are still day's that the grief takes my Mother down, so don't worry about how long, or "expectations" as you are the only you, and you're doing the best you can, and doing it as gracefully as possible.

Keep putting your troubles where they belong; at the feet of the savior and move forward with faith. Take heart, you're doing great!


Anonymous said...

What happened to Ode? You are so strong. I stumbled on your blog and I just wanted you to know I can feel how much you love your family in your postings. Aaron Jr. is such a cutie!