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I figured this month would be difficult for me...
I figured that I would have a difficult time remembering my last days and moments with Aaron. Last year around this time, we were in San Francisco visiting some friends of ours. Looking back through the photos of our trip on this blog, it made me realize that we were on our last vacation together as a family. We were seeing the ocean for the last time together. We were taking some of our final family photos. We were driving in the car for a long distance for the last time. I remember driving while Aaron tried to sleep and had his seat layed back and him reaching back and holding Aaron Jr.'s hand. Aaron Jr. didn't usually like to have his hand held, but that was a turning point. He let Aaron hold his hand and from that time on, Aaron Jr. has liked having his hand held in certain situations. That was most likely the last time that Aaron Jr. got to watch Aaron eat sunflower seeds as a way to try to stay awake as he drove. To this day, Aaron Jr. still says 'Daddy' when he sees sunflower seeds. That is one of the few memories that he still has.
This sounds silly, but I just got done watching the latest episode of 'ER' online and I cannot even express the painful emotions that have flooded into my soul. This particular episode is of these parents losing their five year old son, but watching the doctors work on the little boy and trying to save his life... it just brought back such horrible and painful memories from last November. It just brought so many vivid memories of that day.
Rushing to the emergency room still hoping that they could save Aaron even though I overheard them saying that it wasn't looking good. I still had the hope. I still needed the hope to get me through each moment. Sitting there waiting for word on how things were going. Sitting there more scared than I had ever been before hoping that this was all a bad dream. The doctor coming to let us know that it was over and there was nothing more they could do for Aaron. Then, the fear I had had just moments before seemed very small. I was so scared. Walking into the room where Aaron was laying and still not understanding how it could possibly be happening that they weren't still trying to get him back. Sitting next to him, holding his hand, and sobbing tears of the worst pain I could ever have imagined. Sitting there scared to death of life without my best friend, life without my partner, life without the person that I got to wake up next to everyday, life without the father of my child, life without the man that I love with every ounce of my soul. I couldn't believe that someone could feel that much pain. I thought I was going to die right along with him that night. I couldn't imagine being able to survive the physical and emotional pain I was feeling as I sat there crying. I couldn't understand why. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to die. My whole world was crashing down around me... and I was sitting there crying as though it was real. It didn't feel real. Sitting there across from his mom and telling her that we needed more time.
I need more time. More time to tell him that I love him. More time to hold him and make sure he knew how much I adore him. What if he didn't know? How can I live with that? What if he didn't know how much I love him?
Leaving the hospital that night was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I desparately didn't want to leave him alone. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to be with him. I couldn't handle any of it. Aaron Jr. wasn't there, so I needed to go to him. When I left the hospital that night, I went to Aaron Jr. and didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to tell him. How could he possibly understand that his daddy was not coming home?
Have you ever had a nightmare where someone you love SO much passes away? Then, when you wake up in the middle of the night, you are crying and you realize that it was a bad dream and you are SO extremely grateful that it wasn't real? I have. But the next morning, when I woke up from what little sleep I got... I didn't have that reassurance. It was real and my nightmare didn't end. Since Aaron passed away, I have had a dream that Aaron Jr. passed away. I couldn't believe that both of the people who meant the most to me in this world were both gone. But then I woke up, I did have that grateful feeling when I found out it was not real. I wanted so badly for November 29, 2007 to be a bad dream... but it was real.
After Aaron passed away, I had so many questions. I had questions about things I did and things I didn't do. Questions about how I could have been a better wife and how I could have made Aaron happier in our short time together. How I could have made Aaron feel more loved and helped him know how much I love and adore him.
I have wondered if those looking in would have wondered if I loved him enough or made him happy enough... I tried. I tried.
Throughout this year, as I have written about Aaron, and as I have written about my grief, I have done so with the hope that I could portray to the world and to those right here around me how much I love and adore Aaron. I wish people could see into my heart. While he was here, I loved Aaron the best I could. I always loved Aaron and I still love Aaron and I always will love Aaron. No matter what mistakes either of us made in our time together, I have to look back and just realize that no one is perfect. We tried to make each other happy and we fell short sometimes, everyone does... but we did the best we could. Aaron brought me happiness and if he were still here, I know we would be happy together now. When someone you love passes away, how could you NOT question these things? I will always wish that I had kissed Aaron one more time and that I had told him one more time that I love him with all of my heart. I can't go back. I wish I could, but I can't go back. All I can do now is tell him every single night how much I love him and hope that he can hear me. All I can do is pray that he knows how much I love him. Because I do. I love him with everything that I am.
I wish one year ago, I could have been reading a blog like this and that it could have inspired me to not waste any time. I want to be on the other side of this blog and be someone who is getting to learn from it. It shouldn't take someone else's trials to remind us what we should do and what we should be grateful for, but some days that IS what it takes. You all know what to do. Learn from my regrets. Even the times I was annoyed, I wish I could just let it go and show an increase of love and affection. We are all annoying and annoyed at times. So what? It has been a while since I have gone on and on like this. Tonight is difficult. I am sorry.
Yes, this month is difficult. I hate that it has almost been a year. I hate that on November 30, I won't be able to look back and say that Aaron and I were doing anything on that day a year ago. I hate it. The pain feels so fresh again, there are millions of tears being shed again, and I am having a very difficult time.
All the world should know... I love and adore you Aaron...
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