I figured this month would be difficult for me...
I figured that I would have a difficult time remembering my last days and moments with Aaron. Last year around this time, we were in San Francisco visiting some friends of ours. Looking back through the photos of our trip on this blog, it made me realize that we were on our last vacation together as a family. We were seeing the ocean for the last time together. We were taking some of our final family photos. We were driving in the car for a long distance for the last time. I remember driving while Aaron tried to sleep and had his seat layed back and him reaching back and holding Aaron Jr.'s hand. Aaron Jr. didn't usually like to have his hand held, but that was a turning point. He let Aaron hold his hand and from that time on, Aaron Jr. has liked having his hand held in certain situations. That was most likely the last time that Aaron Jr. got to watch Aaron eat sunflower seeds as a way to try to stay awake as he drove. To this day, Aaron Jr. still says 'Daddy' when he sees sunflower seeds. That is one of the few memories that he still has.
This sounds silly, but I just got done watching the latest episode of 'ER' online and I cannot even express the painful emotions that have flooded into my soul. This particular episode is of these parents losing their five year old son, but watching the doctors work on the little boy and trying to save his life... it just brought back such horrible and painful memories from last November. It just brought so many vivid memories of that day.
Rushing to the emergency room still hoping that they could save Aaron even though I overheard them saying that it wasn't looking good. I still had the hope. I still needed the hope to get me through each moment. Sitting there waiting for word on how things were going. Sitting there more scared than I had ever been before hoping that this was all a bad dream. The doctor coming to let us know that it was over and there was nothing more they could do for Aaron. Then, the fear I had had just moments before seemed very small. I was so scared. Walking into the room where Aaron was laying and still not understanding how it could possibly be happening that they weren't still trying to get him back. Sitting next to him, holding his hand, and sobbing tears of the worst pain I could ever have imagined. Sitting there scared to death of life without my best friend, life without my partner, life without the person that I got to wake up next to everyday, life without the father of my child, life without the man that I love with every ounce of my soul. I couldn't believe that someone could feel that much pain. I thought I was going to die right along with him that night. I couldn't imagine being able to survive the physical and emotional pain I was feeling as I sat there crying. I couldn't understand why. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to die. My whole world was crashing down around me... and I was sitting there crying as though it was real. It didn't feel real. Sitting there across from his mom and telling her that we needed more time.
More time.
I need more time. More time to tell him that I love him. More time to hold him and make sure he knew how much I adore him. What if he didn't know? How can I live with that? What if he didn't know how much I love him?
Leaving the hospital that night was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I desparately didn't want to leave him alone. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to be with him. I couldn't handle any of it. Aaron Jr. wasn't there, so I needed to go to him. When I left the hospital that night, I went to Aaron Jr. and didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to tell him. How could he possibly understand that his daddy was not coming home?
Have you ever had a nightmare where someone you love SO much passes away? Then, when you wake up in the middle of the night, you are crying and you realize that it was a bad dream and you are SO extremely grateful that it wasn't real? I have. But the next morning, when I woke up from what little sleep I got... I didn't have that reassurance. It was real and my nightmare didn't end. Since Aaron passed away, I have had a dream that Aaron Jr. passed away. I couldn't believe that both of the people who meant the most to me in this world were both gone. But then I woke up, I did have that grateful feeling when I found out it was not real. I wanted so badly for November 29, 2007 to be a bad dream... but it was real.
After Aaron passed away, I had so many questions. I had questions about things I did and things I didn't do. Questions about how I could have been a better wife and how I could have made Aaron happier in our short time together. How I could have made Aaron feel more loved and helped him know how much I love and adore him.
I have wondered if those looking in would have wondered if I loved him enough or made him happy enough... I tried. I tried.
Throughout this year, as I have written about Aaron, and as I have written about my grief, I have done so with the hope that I could portray to the world and to those right here around me how much I love and adore Aaron. I wish people could see into my heart. While he was here, I loved Aaron the best I could. I always loved Aaron and I still love Aaron and I always will love Aaron. No matter what mistakes either of us made in our time together, I have to look back and just realize that no one is perfect. We tried to make each other happy and we fell short sometimes, everyone does... but we did the best we could. Aaron brought me happiness and if he were still here, I know we would be happy together now. When someone you love passes away, how could you NOT question these things? I will always wish that I had kissed Aaron one more time and that I had told him one more time that I love him with all of my heart. I can't go back. I wish I could, but I can't go back. All I can do now is tell him every single night how much I love him and hope that he can hear me. All I can do is pray that he knows how much I love him. Because I do. I love him with everything that I am.
I wish one year ago, I could have been reading a blog like this and that it could have inspired me to not waste any time. I want to be on the other side of this blog and be someone who is getting to learn from it. It shouldn't take someone else's trials to remind us what we should do and what we should be grateful for, but some days that IS what it takes. You all know what to do. Learn from my regrets. Even the times I was annoyed, I wish I could just let it go and show an increase of love and affection. We are all annoying and annoyed at times. So what? It has been a while since I have gone on and on like this. Tonight is difficult. I am sorry.
Yes, this month is difficult. I hate that it has almost been a year. I hate that on November 30, I won't be able to look back and say that Aaron and I were doing anything on that day a year ago. I hate it. The pain feels so fresh again, there are millions of tears being shed again, and I am having a very difficult time.
All the world should know... I love and adore you Aaron...
* * *
47 comments:
This was so heartfelt, and extremely touching--
Thank you AGAIN and again for sharing with each of us, for opening your heart so we can learn. And thank you for being so honest, life IS hard. We can all be annoying or annoyed...but you're right we need to still show love to those close to us. We've all made that mistake, there's guilt, unfortunately that's natural. I hope you know deep down that Aaron is with you and he KNOWS how much you love him and miss him. And he loves you--We all do!
Love you Leslie!
Thank you Leslie. :-))))
I hope everyone who reads your blog today will take note of your thoughts and feelings and go away wiser and more caring to the people in their lives.
God Bless You and Little Aaron.
Leslie, this is Dave's wife, Lacy. I'm one of those who have been silently reading your blog this past year. I just wanted to thank you for sharing and tell you that I have learned a lot from you about perspective and love. Thank you.
You have taught us more then you will ever know. And Im sorry you had to be the one to do it. Thank you for writing this post. It was beautiful and heres a *big hug* I couldnt imagine what you are going through.
Leslie, I'm sure Aaron is very much aware of how you feel for him. I can imagine him standing over you as you blog sometimes, pouring your heart out and longing to have him back. I thought about you when we watched the last two Ghost Whisperer episodes. I think he's probably closer than anyone realizes. And it's never too late to say "I love you." He knows.
If the roles were reversed he would be saying the same things. He knew. We all know there is love and how much love. You two have a connection that lasted a long time and through a lot. You don't just forget when times get tough. He can feel it now like you feel the pain.
I am sorry this is a hard time for you, harder than it possibly has been. But we are all here for you, whether you know us or not. These feelings are so raw that Aaron Jr. will be able to see the love you had for his dad and that his dad had for you and you both still do. That's a pretty powerful thing and great lesson.
Of course you loved him. We all know you did-even me, a stranger. I am one of those that is "on the other side" reading your blog and learning from you. I think I've told you this before, but I have a quote hanging in my closet that I see every morning that you once wrote back in January or so-it is about looking past the trivial things and just enjoying the time together. Thank you. Sadly, I need that reminder often. Again, you are in the thoughts and prayers of a stranger. Lots of Love...
I'm sure this is such a hard time for you. I have seen your love for Aaron through all of your posts this past year, and I am sure he knows how deeply you do love him. Hang in there, Leslie. Love you!
bless you, leslie.
love and a prayer,
dani
Leslie,
Once again you are inspired. (Perhaps you are my personal angel)I needed to hear these things as I continue to watch my husband go down hill. I don't want to experiance the hurt you are feeling but I am trying to live with no regrets. You continue to inspire those of us on the other side.
Steph
Kennynin@aim.com
Oh Leslie you made me cry. You have taught me a lot this last year, uou have taught me to cherish every moment, to treat each breathe as though it were our last. I am so sad inside that you have this pain, I wish that I could take it away from you, I wish that you did not have to go through this Holiday season with out the love of your life.
I love you
Liz
It is true, we learn from other people's trials. I can definitely say that I am trying to be a better wife and mother because of the words that you have shared and I thank you for that (as well as my husband and child, I'm sure...). I feel like I should be doing something in return though, find someway that I can do something to make this easier for you. I know it sounds cliche, but PLEASE let me know if there's anything I can do. I'm sure these next few months will be more difficult than you may anticipate, and I wish I could somehow relieve this burden. Hang in there and know that I'm here for ANYTHING!!!
I am sure that anyone reading your blog over the last year ~ would be in absolutely no doubt how much you love Aaron.
Sending you much love and big hugs this monthXXXXXX
Leslie, love pours out of your blog...constantly. The Aarons are lucky lucky boys.
I read every post and think of you. And send you lots of love and hugs.
Jane
leslie, even as you describe how much pain you have had and do have it is impossible for the rest of us to really understand it. not fully unless we live it. heavenly father loves you and he loves aaron. and because i know that, i know that heavenly father has given aaron glimpses into your heart. all is well. i love you.
It is simply awful that you have that night in your memory bank. No one should have to go through that, yet you have shown such strength through it all. If it doesn't kill us it can only make us stronger. Even though you are suffering, you are stronger. The Lord must have great faith in you that you will rise above this life-altering challenge, and make the best of it. You will always have Aaron. That is your promise. May the Lord bless you as you endure until yours and Aaron's reunion.
Leslie, I am sorry that you are the one whose trial we have to learn from, but please know that you continue to inspire all of us. Our thoughts and prayers are with you always.
Leslie, thank you for this post. It's always good to be reminded to love more. It doesn't matter how much you love someone, you can always show more love. Thank you for reminding me of that. You are always on my prayer list, and I hope you know how many people love you, and can see your love for Aaron here.
Dear Leslie:
Not to sound trite about your angst but all anyone has to do is look at your photos -- your love and adoration for Aaron literally oozes from my screen.
I pray it soothes your heart to know that your love and honor of your husband is very real to anyone who reads your blog.
I am sorry you are hurting so deeply.
In my prayers,
kathryn
Dear Leslie,
Remember that you were married for eternity. Last year on November 30th, you and Aaron were very spiritually connected, just as you still are. Last November 30, you and Aaron were and still are an eternal family. Last November 30, you and Aaron were and still are parents to a beautiful boy.
I hope this helps.
You are in many prayers around the world!
oxox
Cynthia
I am just a stranger who happened on your blog. I can tell by what you have written and your pictures just how much you loved your husband. My heart aches for you. There are no words I could say to help take your pain away. I know Aaron knew then and knows now just how much you love him! I hope that I can love my husband the way you love yours. I'll keep you in my prayers.
I have only read your blog the past year without commenting. Maybe it was a loss of words, or not knowing what to say. Know that you have touched my life and that I will take the words that you have written to my heart and love like there is no tomorrow! Thank you, you have no idea how much your words have saved me.
Katy
Hi Leslie,
I have been a reader of your blog for a short time now. It is so evident how much you love Aaron and looking through your photos it is evident that his love for you was equal.
After reading your post I went to hug my John and tell him I love him. No doubt that Aaron is proud of you for reminding us of how precious time is.
My prayers are with you all.
Thank you so much for posting your experiences of that dream that turned out to be real. I wish it weren't real for you. But what made me cry were the comments posted about eternal love. That is more real than anything. So thank you Leslie, and thank all of you who post comments. You are life savers.
Leslie -
Thank you for this post and the reminder to not take for granted our loved ones, savor the little things in life and not get so worked up over the small things. You are an inspiration to me to be better always, to always show my husband how much I love him and not take my time here with him for granted. Thank you for that. I pray for you and your boy and hope you know how much good you do for others through your blog!
I don't know you but I do know how much you love your husband. It is so obvious in reading your posts.
Leslie, I don't even know what to say today. I cannot imagine your pain over this past year. We are lucky to know that Heavenly Father loves us and knows us as well as he does. It is unbelievable that nearly a year has passed since Aaron left us. Just remember that he is still nearby and I am sure he knows how you and Aaron Junior are doing. I am sure he wants you to be happy and know that he is happy too. I am sure he misses you two just as you are missing him. We love you all! Don't forget we are thinking of you too.
hi leslie, i'm another stranger who randomly came across your blog and left completely devoted to becoming the best wife i can be to my soon to be husband. the way you love him, does something to my heart.
music heals, i believe that anyway....i listen to this song and think of you and aaron. you should take a listen...
madly in love with you
by sean mcconnell
god bless you and your sweet boys.
Oh, Leslie! I KNOW you loved and continue to love Aaron enough. None of us are perfect. We all have our difficult times. But, I KNOW you loved Aaron enough! I am sorry that you feel that way. Your words are so beautiful Leslie. My heart aches for you every day, but especially in the days to come. I, too, want you to wake up from this nightmare and find Aaron at your side. I wish that will all of my heart! Please KNOW that you are going to be with him again. And when you see him again, he will tell you how much he loved you and how much he felt loved. I KNOW that! I love you, Leslie. I consider you one of my dearest friends. Please understand all of the love that is around you over the next few weeks and on. Love you!
Leslie~
I can not remember who sent me to your blog, but I just want to tell you that I have been reading for about the last 2 months.I've went back and read from the begining. (this is the first comment I'm leaving)
I read your post today and had to comment. I too have the same questions and feelings as you do. I wish I would have kissed my husband one more time the day he died, I wish I told him I loved him as he was pulling out of our driveway just one more time. I know too the pain you felt in the ER when the Dr's came in and told you that there was nothing else they could do. Even though there was nothing they could do, I screamed at them to do more.
My husband Shawn died on August 18, 2008-3 months as of tomorrow. He hadn't been feeling good for a while. On that Monday he had a blood clot that formed in his cornary artery and it caused him to have a massive heartattack. He was only 31 years old (i'm 31) his birthday would have been this coming Friday. We were married for 7 1/2 years and I was 5 weeks pregnant with our first child. Four days after Shawn's funeral I found out that the baby had stopped growing, and I had a miscarriage.
I know the pain that you feel. I hate it. There are sometimes when I feel like I can't catch my breath my heart hurts so bad. I started my blog a few months before my life got turned upside down. My blog was going to be about our life, and all the great things that were finally happening in our life. My blog has since taken a turn. It is now a place I write about our memories, my grief, emotions and a few other random thoughts.
If you would like please come over to my blog. Maybe we could be of some support to each other.
http://taleoftwocoins.blogspot.com/
Please know that I'm thinking about you and I want you to know from reading this blog everybody can tell how much you loved Aaron.
~Jenny
Leslie, I've been following this blog for 10 months now. Do you mind if I ask what caused Aaron's death?
Best wishes to you all at this difficult time. Thank you for sharing and inspiring us to do and become better.
Leslie,
I came across your blog about 4 months ago. I have checked in on you frequently since then...you really have such a way with words...you share your feelings so beautifully. I just wanted to let you know how much your posts have meant to me, and have helped me to be a better and more loving wife and mother. Thank you so much for being willing to share your life with so many strangers...please know that through your memories and thoughts, you are making all of us better people.
Mandy
You don't know me, but one of my friends had posted your link on her blog and said it was a "must read." Thank you for posting this entry. It really inspired me. Thank you so much. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I don't think you did anything wrong. I am certain your Aaron knows how much you love him. I am glad to know that you still have a part of him with you. All you can do now is just treasure your son Aaron Jr. I wish you the best of luck and happiness throughout your life. Thanks again for this post.
Leslie,
Thanks for the sweetest reminder to love unconditionally those who are the dearest to us. Thanks for your incredible sharing of your feelings. May you also feel the incredible love that Aaron had for you. I don't know either of you, but I have been touched by your blog and read it often. The love you shared is unbreakable through eternity and you will be able to share it once again together. Until that time, hold on to the precious memories that you shared and make new ones with your precious little boy. My thoughts are with you.
Leslie,
You don't know me. I just came across your blog and just spent the last two hours reading almost every post you wrote about your sweet husband. What an amazing man. Your blog has really touched me. You are a really strong woman. I know your husband knows how much you love him, and I am positive, after reading your blog, that he loved you just as much! I am really glad I read your blog because it has been a great reminder to me to cherish the moments with loved ones. I'm going to try a little harder to brush off the "trivial" stuff and treasure the meaningful things. I had an aunt who recently had her husband pass away (marcieadamson.blogspot.com). I was strengthened through her experience and also yours too. I have learned the past few months that Heavenly Father truly has his hand in everything. What a comforting thought to know your family is forever! I can't imagine how sweet that reunion will be. I wish you the very best this holiday season.
Leslie,
It's amazing to see the many people you touch in your beautiful expressions of love for Aaron. Yes, you have helped to change many lives as you endure your own gethsemane. I pray for a comforting angel to be your constant companion. I am in awe how one woman can be so broken and yet so strong! I hope there is more healing for you as you share your reflections. I love you, my friend.
I have no idea how I ran across your blog, but I did and I just spent the last half hour reading your posts and sobbing at my computer. I am so sorry for your loss. I am going to appreciate and love my husband more after reading your blog. I'm sure Aaron knows of your love for him, and is waiting for your reuniting. Thank you for your posts, you have touched me.
Blog hopper here,
LOVE your blog, Im sure I feel a very SMALL FRACTION of what you feel through your words and they affect me SO much! Thank you for letting us into your life-it has blessed me. I will be thinking and praying for you on the 30th.
God bless you
I am so glad you came last night. I can't even imagine how you must feel, but I will tell you that you have inspired me to cherish the moments. I am glad we have the knowledge that it isn't too late to tell Aaron you love him. You will have eternity for that.
Leslie, you are an amazing woman. I love the post and there is no doubt that Aaron knew you loved him. He knew it while you were dating and it is amazing how those "annoying" moments can cause that love to grow. I know that sounds backwards but for myself and Tim the best part about having a disagreement or being annoyed is making up.
Leslie you are an inspiration to many and I don't think you have any enemies. You are loving to all. Thanks so much...because a lot of us rely on your strength.
I found your blog through feedjit...
Thank you for sharing your feelings so intimately. We do need to be reminded to treasure every moment with our loved ones.
I can't imagine the hurt you feel, and the joy you feel when you look at your little boy and the reminder he is of your husband.
Thank you again for giving us all some perspective.
I always find myself checking on you. You have more influence than realize. Keep your chin up.
Leslie,
I know I have told you this before, but I want you to know again that as somebody who knew Aaron before you were married, I think you two are perfect for each other. I was so happy that Aaron had found the perfect compliment for all his amazing characteristics - both good and bad. I think for the most part it's easy to find somebody that you get along with and love during the good times. Then there are the lucky few who find somebody who makes them better during their not-so-good times. I know I have been lucky in that sense, and Aaron is as well. I treasure the memories I have of playing games until 2:00 in the morning, and then fighting to stay awake for the drive home. Joann and I were more than happy to make that drive because we loved being with the two of you so much. I am so glad that we will get to enjoy the same sociality in the eternities to come as we have enjoyed here. I look forward to those times again.
Hi Leslie,
Just checking in to tell you I am thinking of you, and helping to "hold" your hand and your heart.
Love to you
Jane
Leslie ~ I don't think a single person who has come past your blog would doubt, for a moment, your love for Aaron. When YOU doubt that you didn't show him just how much you loved him, look back at the photos you have shared with us. Look at how content and happy you guys looked.
He knew.
xx
I truly believe God let me come across your blog for a reason. Times are tough right now and tensions are high in lots of marriages. Thank you for putting things in perspective for me. I will keep you in my prayers. You are very lucky to have been able to share love like you did with Aaron. It doesn't happen often...
I found your blog through fidjit or whatever it's called, I saw your husband had passed away and for some reason felt so overcome that I needed to continue to read on. I ended up at this post. I guess I am that person on the other side, YOU are such an example and how not fun it is to have to be the one. I guess we just never know what were up for in our trials in life, you amaze me as tears stroll down, I hope you have had some comfort I cannot express to you enough how amazed I am for your greatness and continued strength for your young son. May you feel the comfort of wings around you, Thanks so much for sharing your information with all of us in the blogger world.
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