Twelve Months... One Year...

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Aaron Sverre Harkness
March 29, 1977 - November 29, 2007

...the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord...-Job 1:21

I didn't really want to 'celebrate' the day today, but I wanted to remember Aaron today. So, my only plans today were to relax at home with Aaron Jr. and Ode and then to meet people at the cemetery to release balloons like we did at the funeral. Things went as planned for the most part. I invited both of our families and some close friends. Everyone from my family who lives in the area all came, and a few friends came as well. Aaron's family got stuck in traffic coming down the canyon, so they didn't make it. Hopefully next year. Thank you to all of you who made it today and all of you who wanted to be there. You have all been such a huge support to me this past year and I am grateful to every person that has had a role in helping me through this ongoing grieving process. Here are some photos from today...

Each child got to hold a balloon and release it when it was time.

Once again... sending our hearts to heaven...

This photo is to show off Aaron Jr's belt. Aaron bought this belt for Aaron Jr. just a couple of weeks before he passed away. When he brought it home, we decided to save it for his birthday that was coming soon. So, Aaron Jr. wore this belt for the first time just two days after Aaron passed away... on his 2nd birthday. It finally fits him.

I actually lost Aaron's belt buckle a few years ago and had planned to buy him a new one for Christmas last year. They would have matched. I am bummed I never got to buy him a belt buckle to replace the one I lost.

Last weekend, Aaron's parents hosted a gathering to have Aaron's closest friends come over for dinner and memories. I was at Wal-Mart one day and saw these shirts. I couldn't pass them by. I bought the one that says 'My Dad is the Man' so that Aaron Jr. could wear it to the gathering of friends. It was so cute. The one that says 'Mommy's Little Hero' was going to be what he wore today at the cemetery, but I forgot to put it on him this morning. So, he has been wearing it all evening instead. The point of this shirt is self explanitory... but I will go ahead a say something about it anyway.

Aaron Jr. has TRULY been my hero this year. I truly don't know how things would have gone if he weren't here. He was the reason I even got out of bed for those first several months. Some days, he is still the reason I get out of bed. He has made me smile and laugh at times when I didn't think there was a smile or laugh left inside of me. He is a miracle and a blessing in my life and I am so grateful for My Little Hero.

My other Hero has been the Lord. I have learned more this year about relying on the Lord than I have learned throughout the rest of my life. The quote by Abraham Lincoln on the side of my blog is more true than I ever realized. It says:

'I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go.'

The Lord truly HAS sustained me.

'Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.' -Psalms 55:22

This year, I have felt more out of place than I have ever felt in my life. I know that I belong here as Aaron Jr's mom, but as far as feeling like I had a place anywhere else, it is just really difficult knowing where I belong if Aaron isn't here beside me. I have felt lost and I have had a hard time knowing who I was anymore without my partner, the other half of me. When Aaron passed away, half of me, an entire 50 % of me passed away with him. Then there was the part of me that tried to take care of him as a wife takes care of a husband. I didn't have Aaron to take care of anymore. Making dinner, cleaning the house... the part of me that loved being a wife felt completely lost. I just didn't feel like I had a place anymore. .I adored being a wife. The wife inside of me had no one to be a wife to anymore... here. I don't know if that all makes sense.

When Aaron's favorite singer, Chris LeDoux, passed away on March 9, 2005, Aaron was devastated. This photo was taken right around that same day. He really looked up to this man. On the one year anniversary of Chris LeDoux's death, Aaron sent a text to me and I think to a lot of his friends that said, 'God bless Chris LeDoux. One year today'. I have to admit... I was very tempted to do that today. I still have the text on my phone and it brings a smile to my face when I read it.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what to call today. When you are born, you have a birthday, when you get married, you have an anniversary... when you die, I just don't know what to call November 29, 2007. All year, that date has been kind of life a swear word to me. When I hear of someone going through a really tough time with something, in my mind, I kind of refer to it as 'their November 29th'.

My November 29th was, of course, the most painful and horrific day of my life. I still can't fully believe that this is all real... that Aaron is really gone. It is still so surreal to me.

I have thought a lot about that last day of Aaron's life today. We released the balloons today just before 4:00 pm because that is the time that he passed away. I have never written down what happened that day. It has always been too painful to imagine writing it down, but I am going to write out some of it right now. That afternoon, I took Aaron Jr. to his 2 year well check at the doctor's office. After it was over, I wanted to stop at Aaron's parents house where Aaron was sleeping and tell him how tall Aaron Jr. was and how much he weighed, but he hadn't been feeling well for over a week and hadn't slept for a few days, so I decided to let him sleep and just go ahead and go to my parents house that was just a couple of blocks away from where he was sleeping. I got to my parents house right about 3:00 pm and put Aaron Jr down for a nap. I was watching a little TV and just before 4:00, I heard an ambulance go past my parents house. Something felt a little off, but I brushed it aside assuming it was someone who rolled their car while four wheeling in the mountains. That happens a lot. Well, a minute later, another ambulance went by, and I felt sick to my stomach, but didn't want to think it was Aaron. Well, when the third emergency vehicle went past, my mom ran and and told my dad that they should go and see what is going on. They said they would let me know. I didn't want to leave Aaron Jr. there alone while he was napping. As soon as they walked out the door, I knew they would be back quickly to tell me that the ambulances were at the Harkness home. It happened. About 30 seconds after they left, my mom ran into the door and told me that I needed to go with Dad right now and see what is going on. I ran out the door feeling sick to my stomach and feeling the worst panic I had ever felt in my life. We rushed to the Harkness home and I ran inside. I ran up the stairs to where Aaron had been sleeping to find Aaron's parents standing in the hall with their arms around each other's shoulders. They looked shocked and horrified and as I rushed past them, I asked 'what is going on'? Just after I passed them, I got to the bedroom door where they were working on Aaron just inside on the floor. I had never seen anything like it. They were being so rough as they tried to save his life. I stood there in shock and feeling like my worst nightmare was transpiring right there in front of my eyes. I broke down and just didn't know what to do. I ran around the corner into the bathroom and put my head against the wall and just sobbed. I overheard someone say that it wasn't looking good, but they were going to take Aaron in the ambulance and continue trying to save him. As they took him on a stretcher down the stairs and out the door, I knew in my head that it was over. I felt the same way that I felt when I was in the car accident with my brother. As they took me and my other siblings away from the accident scene that day, I knew in my head that my brother was dead, but my heart didn't want to believe it... so my heart won the battle. I fully believed that he would be okay. It wasn't until my sister came into my hospital room the next day and told me that Bruce had passed away that I knew he was gone. It came as a shock because I wanted him to be okay. That is what happened on November 29th last year. When they drove away in the ambulance, my head knew Aaron was dead, but my heart was breaking and hurting so badly, so I forced myself to believe that he was going to be okay. We got to the hospital and sat in the waiting room for just a few minutes before they came in and said that there was nothing more they could do and that he was gone. I was shocked and horrified. I had never been that scared and I had never hurt so badly in my whole life. My heart literally felt like it was breaking into a million pieces. It hurt emotionally, but it also hurt physically. I never knew that a broken heart could hurt physically. I know now.

When they let us go into his room to see him, I just sat there holding his hand. I held his left hand. The hand that he had written his 'to do list' on the night before. The list was there and I just sat there sobbing and not knowing what to do next. As we sat there, I told his mom, 'we needed more time.' After a few minutes, his mom looked at me and said 'He has probably met Bruce by now.' In my mind, I was grateful that there were people on the other side that would have been waiting for Aaron. People he loved and people who loved him.

My world had just come crashing down around me and I felt like there was no way I would ever survive that heartache and pain.

That next few days were a blur. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I had no desire to do anything or be anywhere. I wanted to crawl into a hole and just wither away and die. The only thing that kept me going those days was Aaron Jr. He needed me and he didn't understand the nightmare that was our lives. I had to be there for him.

The room that Aaron passed away in at his parents house was the room that we usually stayed in when we slept over there. To this day, I have still not been able to walk into that room. It has been a whole year and I can't bring myself to walk through the door. I have stood right outside and looked in, but I can't walk in.

The shock and horror of that day still haunts me. I still go through the panic and the fear. Today, as I tortured myself and watched a home video of the night Aaron Jr. was born... I had a little panic attack not knowing what I was going to do without Aaron here. It still happens often. I am still scared of living without Aaron.

My November 29th will forever be a devastating and painful day. We didn't have enough time together here in this life. We didn't get to fulfill all of our dreams together. There are so many thing left undone and so many things left unsaid. I still talk to Aaron every night and I pray that he is listening. All I ever wanted was to make Aaron happy and to continue to grow together in our marriage to achieve the happiness that comes from a lifetime of memories. I have to say... I feel SO proud to be Aaron's wife. I adore him and I am so grateful we were brought together. I am so blessed.

I love and miss him with all of my heart. His death has left a hole in my heart that will never be filled... until we meet again.

November 2007 - Leslie-Aaron Jr-Aaron

Eternally yours, Aaron... and loving you always...

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