Okay, so I had a rough day today.
It wasn't ALL bad... of course just bits of it were difficult so at one point this evening, I finally let it all go. I cried really hard for the first time in a while. Aaron Jr was downstairs watching a movie and I was sobbing upstairs because of my difficult day finally breaking through my emotional wall I try to carry around. The floodgates opened and I just let my emotions out. This month is difficult anyway with the anniversary of Aaron's death approaching very quickly. There were several things today that tried to set me off, but the thing that finally did set me off was when some things that need done around the house were brought to my attention. Things that wouldn't be a big deal if Aaron were here... he would have been able to take care of them without any problems. So I was missing him a lot because it was just another thing that brings his absence to the forefront of my mind.
Anyhow, (I know I have at least one reader that has issues with me crying in front of my child even if it doesn't happen very often, so that reader or readers might want to stop reading here) Anyhow, Aaron Jr came upstairs while I was crying and he asked why I was crying. I told him that I miss Daddy. He asked me to stop crying and then he left for a bit. He came back in holding something up to his mouth and stood in front of me like this...
...and he played a few notes on his harmonica. IMMEDIATELY, I started laughing and I pulled him over for a hug. I asked him if he was trying to make me happy and he said yes. I told him that it worked and that he made me SO happy. Suddenly the issues I had been crying about did not seem to matter at all. All that mattered was standing right in front of me with a harmonica in his hand.
(of course this is a reenacted photo... and don't mind how dirty his shirt is :)
He and I had a great laugh together after he played it a second and a third time. I just don't know if there is another kid that is as sweet as my son. I hope I deserve this precious boy. I do try to deserve having him in my life. He has been extra loving and extra sweet lately. He has always been sweet, so saying he is extra sweet is saying a lot. He tells me he loves me out of the blue ALL the time. He gives me hugs and kisses even when I haven't asked for one at that moment. He is such a blessing to me. I am so blessed. He truly is The Sweetest Thing.
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25 comments:
What an extraordinary child you have been blessed with--he was meant for you.
Hugs & good thoughts sent your way today.
Oh, I'm so sorry you had one of those days, Leslie! I know those things would really push me over the edge too... we rely on a spouse so much for so many little things. I don't think you're bad for crying in front of Aaron... if you did it constantly, I'm sure it wouldn't be a good thing, but it happens. It's life. He's learning love and compassion. When I had my miscarriages I had times where I couldn't stop the floodgates, and my sweet little kids would put their arms around me and pat my cheeks... those are some of my most tender memories, and they are none the worse for being their mom's comfort during her time of need. Whew... anyway, I love you Leslie... I'm so glad you have your sweet, harmonica playing little boy to bring you joy. :)
What a sweet sweet boy!
Oh and I thought of you last night. We caught a mouse we have been chasing for weeks around this house. Scott took it out and threw it away. What would I do without him? We do need them to do those little things for us. Thank you for helping me notice it more.
So, first of all...WOW! I just love you so much. I know exactly what you are upset about, and I'm so sorry. Also, Aaron Jr. needs to see you cry. He needs to know that his daddy was loved beyond measure. He needs to know that it's okay to be sad and show emotion. I think that we are given these precious spirits to help us through the most difficult of trials. They are truly angels on earth, and you have a great one.
Love ya,
Lisa
Cry your tears as you need to. No one has travelled your journey and has any right to judge. Take each day one at a time and know that there are those who don't even know you that wish you well and pray that everything will get better with time. Until then be who you are and if that means you cry, that is just fine.
He is your little angel. Very sweet. I'm glad you were able to let go of the sadness and change to happiness so quickly. Especially for little Aaron. What a sweet boy. Love you!!!
It is too bad that you have to worry about what a reader might think if you are crying in front of your son.
It is so clear from your blog that you are a tender and loving mother, who has had to wade through some incredibly difficult times. I think our children need to see that we hurt and that with the Lord's help, we still keep enduring, moving forward.
Bless your heart. I am so sorry for your pain. What a sweet angel boy! I am so thankful that you have him.
My kids never try to cheer me up and seldom make efforts to be sweet. I am convinced that bit Aaron is coaching Aaron on when and how to help you through these difficult moments. One of the Lord's tender mercies - an extension of big Aaron's love for you, through his son.
I can only imagine how emotionally stunted Aaron Jr would grow up to be if he never saw his mother cry over the death of his father. I find it deplorable to even imply, much less outright judge you, for being emotionally honest and teaching your child, by example, to be emotionally honest.
(I suppose I now know what can trigger me to delurk... poking at my sense of injustice. Hi Leslie! I'm a friend of Kristy's.)
I find your posts honest and raw and necessary. I do hope you won't allow the judgment of smaller people to cause you to edit the sharing of your journey. To be vulnerable enough to share is difficult, you do it beautifully. Those you help through your being real and present in the moment is a true gift. Ban posting from such petty, low people who feel they have the answers to your life if you must. I am pleased to see you haven't let it stop you from sharing your journey.
I can't imagine anyone who reads your blog could possiby think you are anything less than a fabulous, caring, in-tune mother to you son. Cry when you need to, it is part of life and I don't think it will affect Aaron Jr negatively at all. What a blessing for him to know how much his mother loves and misses his father.
Children are indeed a blessing. Their words and actions are so pure and sincere...
(Yet again you have reminded me to not take my husband for granted. Thank you.)
I spilled a lot of tears while missing my son who was on a mission. My kids know how much I love them through the expression of emotion. The three at home will be able to guess pretty acurately that I will cry for them when they are gone too.
I get tired of people feeling like they have the right to judge someone just because they have a blog to be read. Your son will grow up knowing his father was so very loved. Good for you. You also are teaching him how much of an effect he can have on others- that can be hard to do- but he is learning it by how quickly he can cheer you up.
First of all I have been thinking about you this month.....It has been a difficult start of the month for me too. Randy would have been 27 on November 4th. We did finally make it to see his stone on that day though.
Anyway not that is not why I am writing. Im writing because that little boy loves you so much, his heart shows so much love and kindness because he is learning that from you Leslie. He is sensitive, caring, and compassionate because his Ma-Ma is teaching him to be that kind of man. YES he does have it also flowing through his blood but compassion I believe is heavily learned and he is for sure learning it somewhere........YOU!!
You cry in front of him because you want him to know you miss his father and that is not going to hurt him.
Alek automatically thinks if someone is crying they miss their father....Every time I cry he says, "Mama you are sad because you miss Da-Da." Then he see's someone crying and looks at me and says, "Ma-Ma that person misses their Da-Da??" I have to explain to him a lot that people cry for many different reasons......
So keep doing what you are doing, keep grieving, keep being pissed (sorry for swearing) about stuff that your husband would and could have been able to do around the house, but most of all just take your own path through this Woman and dam keep letting the flood gates open when need me, God knows we need to let it out every now and then.
I wish we could just sit and chat some nights.......
Thinking of you and that adorable child
Kate and Alek
PS you are so strong, we are in month 11, IM not looking forward to this first round of holidays if you have any suggestions let me know although your first round was so close Aaron as right before them all and Randy was right after them all........so hard to give advice Im sure...
You don't know me, but I do enjoy reading your blog, and your honest and "real" comments.
You cry. You've earned it, and your son will learn that his Father was loved, and is missed, and he will also learn EMPATHY and COMPASSION, and that crying is OK. What your son see's is that you are human, and that his presence and life are precious to you, he will know the absolute REAL power of the human spirit, specifically HIS.
I don't get the sense you are down in the dumps and have "dumped" on this little boy, you are easily cheered by him and are able to get up and carry on; in part, BECAUSE of him and in part because you are strong.
You're doing great.
God bless you.
I agree with Kristi... exactly what I wanted to say.
What a tender mercy little Aaron is! Thank you for sharing it... Love you.
Hi I came across your blog I saw we have the same name and i was curious. I have read your blog a couple times and I love reading it. I am SO SO SO sorry for your loss and I hope and pray that this month you will be able to feel peace even though the anniversary is looming.
With that said, some people are really insensitive. If you need to cry then let it out. Children need to see that it is ok to cry that tears can be a good thing. They need to know that they can cry and in the end I think that the two of you will be closer because of that. My prayers are with you!
Darling boy...
What a son and what a mom.
Love,
Jane
I hate when you can feel the grief start to build up and then out of no where you "pop". I'm so sorry you had an off day. However, at 15 months I'm learning that most days are "good", but when the bad days happen I think it's because I need to get it out all over again.
You are so lucky to have your son in your life. He is an amazing little guy. I'm 100% sure Aaron is so proud of him.
Hi, I have read your blog a few times and I have to say you are a wonderful mother! Whoever has a problem with you crying in front of your child doesn't understand what life truly is. Life has it's ups and downs and a child knowing that their mother feels emotion is 100% okay. I'm so sorry about this hard time of year for you. Good luck in everything.
Leslie, you don't know me. We are strangers. But I wanted you to know that I found your blog and cried the whole way through it. You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. Your grief is palpable through your words.
I don't think it's harmful to your little boy for him to see your grief from time to time. He will grow up knowing how much you loved his Daddy and that has to be good for him.
I lost a brother to a drowning when he was 4 and I was 5. In my family we weren't really allowed to discuss his death. You are doing your son a great service by allowing him to talk about his Daddy. You are a great mom! I am almost 60 years old and am a grandmother now and I still remember my little brother so well. I'm sure your Aaron remembers your husband still.
My prayers are with you. I'm so sorry this had to happen to your husband and to you and your son.
Having you for a mom will be a blessing in so many ways for Aaron Jr. He will be so well rounded in life because of the love and tenderness he is learning from you, Leslie.
There is such a special bond between you two. He will be forever grateful as an adult for having such a loving, compassionate mother. You are doing a great job raising a wonderful boy. To feel that sweetness is so special.
Take care and give him all the hugs and kisses he can stand.
I will be keeping you both close in my heart through the next few days.
Rita
You are wonderful in every way, Leslie, and you're raising a wonderful little boy. He is learning so many valuable lessons from simply watching your example through this trial. Your influence will be far reaching in his life.
I was just reading a talk by Elder Oaks where in part of it he talks about what it was like being raised by his mom after his dad passed away rather young. It was so sweet... and I can only imagine that one day Aaron Jr. will say the same things about being raised by you. Here's the link to the talk, if you're interested (it's near the end of part IV) - http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-353-33,00.html
Anyway, I just want you to know that you continue to be such a powerful example to so many in your faith and your courage, myself included. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
What a beautiful boy and so caring. Give him a hug for me and tell him it is because he is doing a good job taking care of you.
I 'dito' what all has been said above. You are all of that 100% and more, Leslie.
Alana
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