Thursday, September 30, 2010

Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

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This is Aaron Jr, my beautiful boy. I love him.

Tonight, Aaron Jr. asked me to sing to him when I was getting him to bed. When I asked him what he wanted me to sing, he said he wanted me to sing the sunshine song.

Ever since Aaron was a baby, I have sung to him. When he was very small, if he was crying, I could sing to him and he would usually calm down. I loved singing to my baby. When I would rock him, or bounce him while singing to him, I almost felt like I was doing what mom's are supposed to do in order to have just one more of those nostalgic motherly experiences. I LOVED doing those kinds of things... not just because it seemed like what I was supposed to do as a mom, but because I loved that MY voice soothed my baby.

There were a few songs that were always the ones I used:
* 'I love you, Aaron' (a song that my parents would sing to us when we were little)
* 'You are my sunshine' &
* 'I am a child of God'.

As Aaron got older and could talk, he went through a phase where he would tell me to stop singing when I would try to sing to him. I loved singing to him when I was putting him to bed, but during that phase, he didn't want me to sing. After Aaron passed away, I was okay with it. I didn't feel like singing for a long time after that anyway, so it kinda worked out. I wrote about that HERE.

Anyhow, after I tried to begin singing again, I began singing to Aaron Jr again when I would put him in bed. He really loved it. I would let him choose 3 songs each night and without fail, he would always pick the song 'You Are My Sunshine'. I really love singing to Aaron.

Most of my life, when I have thought about this song, I have always just thought of it being a really happy song. An uplifting song. A song to bring joy and a smile. And when I sing it without really paying attention to the words, that is still what it is for me. But the other night, when I was singing 'You are my sunshine' to Aaron, I was paying special attention to the words as I watched him trying to go to sleep... and it affected me in a different way. Even now as I am thinking of the words again and thinking about my son's sweet face, I am beginning to cry.

'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...
You make me happy when skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you...
Please don't take my sunshine away.

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping...
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken...
So I hung my head, and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...
You make me happy when skies are gray.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you...

Please don't take my sunshine away.'

As I think about what has been taken away from us in these past few years, when I really pay attention to these words, they really do affect me. Just like the song says... Aaron is my sunshine, my ONLY sunshine... he has still always managed to make me happy through these years of gray skies, so if he is taken away... hmmm...

I have such a huge fear of losing Aaron Jr... and I assume that is why the words affect me. When Aaron was a baby, I would watch him sleep. Sometimes, I would be super cozy in my bed and I would get a fear that Aaron Jr would stop breathing, so I would get out of bed and walk over just to make sure his little chest was rising and falling in an even pattern. After watching for a while, I would finally go back to bed, and I did this often. Then after Aaron passed away, I had that dream really soon after where Aaron Jr passed away... and I knew in the dream that I would not be able to survive that loss on top of the loss of Aaron. When I woke up, I was hysterical. I don't dwell on this fear, but I do have the fear that I will lose Aaron... because if I were to lose him, at that point, I will have lost pretty much everything.

I have so many thoughts running through my head lately. I had only planned to share this sweet photo that my mom took of Aaron and share the song and my thoughts about the song, but I have let my thoughts run away now.

This little boy is my life. He TRULY IS my sunshine. He TRULY IS the sunshine in my days, the sunshine in my life. I have no idea what I would do without him.

I think the fear I have about losing him is what helps to bring me back to focusing on him and the important role I play in his life. As the days are passing us by, sometimes I look back and realize that I have not been taking full advantage of my time with Aaron so then I have regrets. I am not perfect... nowhere near... but I am TRYING so hard to make sure we are enjoying our time together. I am trying to make sure I am taking advantage of my time with him while he is young and so full of life and so full of acceptance and love. This time while he desires to have me spend time with him. This time while he is curious and teachable and being influenced by the things around him.

I LOVE this little boy. He is so special and every moment of every day that I get to spend with him is a gift that I want to treasure.

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LL said...

I love that song, and I love that you sing to him at night.
So so sweet!

Rebecca Adams said...

I also love that song! You are so blessed to have Aaron Jr. in your life! So very blessed! Don't ever forget that. :)

Claire said...

LOVE this post, Leslie..