And Another One...

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Aaron Jr stubbed his toe outside the other day and it was bleeding... when I went to get him he was crying and he said:

'Blood is not my favorite. Blood is for girls, not for boys.'

I had to giggle.

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Sweet Things Kids Say

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Aaron Jr being concerned while I was crying this week said:
'Mommy don't cry. Mommy's don't cry, just little boys cry.'

Then tonight as I cried again, he said:
'Mommy don't cry. Big people don't cry, just little kids cry.'

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'Daddy's At Work'

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Aaron, Aaron Jr, Leslie

This is an evening trip to the park that we took the month that Aaron passed away.


This is Aaron helping Aaron Jr climb the 'rock wall' that evening.


And this is Aaron Jr climbing that same 'rock wall' today. Little things like this bring a smile to my face and a sorrow to my heart. I don't even know if Aaron Jr remembers that Daddy helped him up it his first time... but today, he ran to it and started climbing like it was no big deal. He is growing up so fast.


And these are the shadows of our little family as we walked through the park. This is one of my favorite photos I have ever taken.


Yesterday, I was cleaning in our bedroom and Aaron Jr walked to the drawer where Aaron kept his swimming suits. I have since then added Aaron Jr's swimsuit that is in this photo to that same drawer. Aaron Jr said that he wanted to see his and Daddy's swimming suits. These suits that match are both on top in that drawer. He took his own suit out and was holding it and was touching Aaron's.
At one point, he said something along the lines of Daddy wanting his swimming suit or us taking it to Daddy.
So I asked him if we should take it to him?
He said that we should.
So I asked him where Daddy is.
And he answered that Daddy is far away.
He usually answers that Daddy is at work. Or if we are away from home, he will sometimes say that Daddy is at home.
I asked him if he wanted me to tell him where Daddy is.
He said yes.

Now, I have never told Aaron Jr that his Daddy died. I have told him that he is with Jesus or that he is in heaven. I have never come right out and told him that Aaron died. So, I figured it would be as good a time as any to just test the waters and see if he understood.

So, I sat him right in front of me on the floor and I said, 'Aaron, Daddy died.'
It was so difficult to even say that to him, but I knew there would come a time that I would have to say it.
He looked at me and as he heard those words, his face got a little upset and he said, 'NO, HE DIDN'T!'
So, I said it again, 'Aaron, Daddy died.'
And he said it again so very distressed, 'NO, HE DIDN'T!' and I think that is when he tried to leave.
So, I asked Aaron Jr where Daddy is then.
And he answered that he is at work.

I have been thinking about this talk with Aaron Jr ever since yesterday with a heavy heart. I know how I feel losing my husband. I am an adult who understands what has happened, and where Aaron is. But, I wish so badly that I could get into Aaron Jr's head for a few moments to know what he understands and see what he knows. I know that he understands far more than he is given credit for. He still talks about his Dad as though he is around. He talks about things being his Dad's. He sees other kids with their Dads and it seems like he truly believes that his Dad is at work. I firmly believe that he dreams about him at night and maybe that is why he thinks he is at work while he is awake.
It just broke my heart to have that conversation with him yesterday. After that exchange, I decided to leave it for now until he starts asking more questions. He will understand all of this in his own time.
I love this little boy. I wish I could protect him from the heartache and the hurt of losing and missing his Dad in the months and years to come. I want to protect him more than anything. He is such special boy and I am truly blessed to have him as my son.

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When Will It End?

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I don't mean to be a downer tonight, but I am online wishing I had someone to talk to and since it is the middle of the night... my blog is it.
I am heartbroken tonight. I am not going to go into details about what happened to make me feel this way tonight more than other days lately, but I am having a night where I can honestly say that I hate my life tonight. I am so ready to not feel heartbreak anymore. I am just waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I am not saying that waking up from this nightmare would mean that Aaron would be back and all would be hunky dory. I know that isn't possible... but there are other things in life that would help to wake me up from this nightmare. I want to be happy again. And no, I don't need any lectures about how I should find happiness on my own before I can find happiness in marriage again. I know those things. I know I can be happy on my own, but no one can tell me that having someone in life to love and to love them back doesn't make one happier. I want that. I need that.
Yes, I wish Aaron were here and that I could be happy with him and Aaron Jr and just have our family together still... but that isn't possible. So finding happiness with someone else is what I have to hope for... and I want it. I feel like I deserve it.
Sorry to vent, I am just having a really really really difficult night and I was crying anyway and really needed to write some stuff out.

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p.s. I am so blessed to have Aaron Jr. to keep life in perspective a bit. He is such a blessing.

Happy 'would be' Seventh

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Our Wedding Post

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Compete in What?

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My friend, Kerianne and I decided to do something called a Sprint Triathlon together.

Swim = 1/4 mile
Bike = 11.5 miles
Run = 5k (3.1 miles)



Neither of us had ever done anything like it before, but we thought it would be fun and fulfilling to try it. So, we found one going on in Bountiful on Labor Day and decided to train for it. In the meantime, I found another one going on in Bountiful on the 8th of August and thought I would sign up for that one as well just to see what they are like and try to get a time to improve on. So, I asked my sister in law Christa if she wanted to do it with me.

Well, on the 8th of August, Christa and her friend Jeni and I did this Sprint Triathlon. I had tried to train as much as I could, but after NOT working out for SOOOOO long, I only managed to do a few swims, a couple of bike rides, and a few runs in that month before the 8th.

It was quite the adventure... my only goal on the running portion was to run the whole time and not walk at all. I did it. :)

Then, I borrowed my mother in law's mountain bike... I did not realize at the time that even one of the greatest mountain bikes can be one of the worst bikes to ride in a road race. I was pedaling as fast as my legs could pedal and people were still flying by me. I was so confused. But I found out after the race from Aaron's brother, Steve, that it was the wrong bike to use in something like this. SO... I have learned for the next one to find and borrow a road bike for the occasion. I really hope it helps my time A LOT.


Sue drove Aaron past me when I was biking. I heard his voice cheering for me and I looked over and there he was. This was him in her truck. It was so sweet to have him cheer me on.


Sue took this with her phone as they drove past. Thanks Sue.


I am on the far left... this is me BEFORE I saw Aaron Jr. cheering me on along with the Harknesses who came to support.


This is me AFTER I saw Aaron Jr. cheering me on.


I stole this photo from Christa's blog. Thanks Christa.
This is Christa in the bike portion...

The swim was last in this particular Sprint Triathlon. I backstroked most of it. Hey, I am not too proud to use the backstroke instead of struggling through it with the freestyle. :)


Jeni, Christa, Leslie


Mother and Son after the race. I DID IT !!!

I had never done any sort of competitive races besides junior high track. DURING the race, I felt like I wanted to die part of the time, but after it was all over... I was really happy I did it. I have definitely learned what will work better in the one on Labor Day and I hope I do a lot better in that one. This was a good trial run and I hope to continue doing more in the future... we will see. :) I'll let you know how the Labor Day sprint triathlon goes.

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Camping

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The Harkness Family went camping for a couple of day at the beginning of this month.They went to Smith & Morehouse Reservoir. I had a friend in town so I couldn't go, but Aaron Jr went up for one day. He had a great time and thanks to Christa for providing some photos of his time there.


Isaac, Malia, Pearl, Aaron Jr, Grace


Malia & Aaron Jr.


Aaron Jr & Isaac


Malia, Aaron Jr, Isaac


Grandpa, Grandma, Aaron Jr.


This is always how Aaron Jr's marshmallows come out.

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Random July

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100,000 !!!


On July 22, our blog reached 100,000 visits. I thought it was a momentous occasion, so I snapped a photo with my phone and wanted to thank everyone who has visited us here to share in our lives and our story. We are grateful for the love we have received from so many family, friends and 'strangers'.


Aaron Jr and his cousin Jack. They put pillows in the front and back of their shirts and thought they were pretty funny. Come to think of it, we thought they were pretty funny as well.


Sleeping in the car after a long day.
Climbing the wrong way UP a slide.


We went on a bike ride with Mark and Suzy and their precious little Evelyn. She is so tiny... Aaron Jr. makes her look even smaller. It was a fun little jaunt.


My only word for this photo should be: WHATEVER!
I don't know WHAT happened to my car... but we got home one day and when we went to drive the car again later that day, the front left tire was flat. So, our neighbor helped us put on the spare. But then the next morning, the back left tire was flat... what on earth? What happened to them? It is a mystery.


This is Aaron Jr. after that photoshoot with Sara Boulter. Aaron was following some ducks... they let him get ridiculously close.


And this is US after the photo shoot. We walked around for so long looking for a restroom. Aaron Jr needed to go potty. EVERY restroom on the premises was locked. So, I took him over to this park area and he went pee at the base of a tree. I know that story is one everyone wanted to hear. Anyhow, here we are.

All but the flat tire photo in this posting were taken with my camera phone. I never thought I would be a camera phone sort of gal, but it has come in handy several times.

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Fort Collins, Colorado

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Leslie and Chandra

Chandra was a mission companion of mine when I served my mission in England and has become such a great friend. Since we were in Colorado already, we planned a jaunt up to Fort Collins to stay with Chandra and her family. We had a great time and we are so glad we could go. Thanks Chandra for the hospitality and the fun. We had a great time.


Hunter & Frog... Hunter and Gabriella
Aaron Jr.


Leslie in front of the Stanley Hotel. We went up to Estes State Park for the day one day. There is a lot of history to this quaint little place, look it up online if you are interested. It is quite interesting. This was the hotel they used in the movie 'Dumb and Dumber'.


Shouldn't WE be the ones who are tuckered out? The kids wear US out.






Aaron Jr, Hunter, Gabriella, Kolea

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Denver, Colorado

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Aaron Jr. I LOVE THIS PHOTO.

We went to Denver with the Harkness side of the family. We were there two years ago WITH Aaron for his cousin's farewell as he left on his mission. He just got home, so we went over there for his homecoming. It was so good to see all of them. They are great people and we love them so much. Here are the highlights from our trip. They really knew how to entertain us... that is for sure. Thanks to all of you for your hospitality and the good times. We had a blast.


Malia, Susie, Isaac, Aaron Jr, Tate


Leslie and Aaron Jr.
They set up a huge piece of plastic on the hill in their backyard. It was a really fun waterslide that kept us busy for hours.




















After the waterslide, they took us all to the Alpine Slide that was pretty close to their house. Here we are on the lift going up... the Alpine Slide was so much fun.






Wow... do I always look this strange when I am talking?




Here are all the people who are in the photos throughout this posting:
Leslie, Steve, Isaac, Christa, Trygve, Sverre, Erin, Ken, Lennon, Dave, April, Sue, Steve,
Ole, Tate, Marty, Susie, Abigail, Sierra, Malia, Aaron Jr, Autumn
AND the quads, Lincoln, Everett, Severin, Guy
The whole group minus Amini (sp?), who was taking the photo.


Their whole family including Amini (sp?), but minus Brent.






The miracle quads. They are so sweet.
In no certain order :) : Severin, Everett, Guy, Lincoln





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