Monday, August 24, 2009

When Will It End?

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I don't mean to be a downer tonight, but I am online wishing I had someone to talk to and since it is the middle of the night... my blog is it.
I am heartbroken tonight. I am not going to go into details about what happened to make me feel this way tonight more than other days lately, but I am having a night where I can honestly say that I hate my life tonight. I am so ready to not feel heartbreak anymore. I am just waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I am not saying that waking up from this nightmare would mean that Aaron would be back and all would be hunky dory. I know that isn't possible... but there are other things in life that would help to wake me up from this nightmare. I want to be happy again. And no, I don't need any lectures about how I should find happiness on my own before I can find happiness in marriage again. I know those things. I know I can be happy on my own, but no one can tell me that having someone in life to love and to love them back doesn't make one happier. I want that. I need that.
Yes, I wish Aaron were here and that I could be happy with him and Aaron Jr and just have our family together still... but that isn't possible. So finding happiness with someone else is what I have to hope for... and I want it. I feel like I deserve it.
Sorry to vent, I am just having a really really really difficult night and I was crying anyway and really needed to write some stuff out.

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p.s. I am so blessed to have Aaron Jr. to keep life in perspective a bit. He is such a blessing.

23 comments:

T said...

(hugs) Just wanted you to know you're not all alone. Nothing I can say or offer can help you to feel any better but one day you will just find that you breath and live a little easier. Sounds like a platitude, but I do remember feeling exactly how you have expressed, and know that someone furthur down the grief track told me one day it would happen and it gave me hope.

Amander said...

You know, your situation sucks, and some days you are going to feel sucky, but that doesn't make it any easier to know that. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Jen said...

Leslie~

I am so sorry I haven't commented on your blog in a while. I read every post you write. I have kept myself really busy the last few weeks. This is what I needed to do to get past the one year anniversary of Shawn's death. Now, I think all the emotions of the past year have caught up with me and I'm just plain tired!

I know I have only been a widow for one year and one week and I know I still have a lot to go through, but I totally understand the feeling of being alone.

I can honeslty say that after a year I have learned a lot about myself and I'm learning to be happy again. I have even been smiling and laughing a bit more the last month or so.With that being said I still can't shake the feeling of being totally alone. Even when I'm in the house with my family or hanging ot with my friends the overwhelming feeling of being along is too much sometimes and it makes me want to burst out crying right there on the spot.

If I never meet another wonderful man I know I will be happy on my own. I know I can create my own happiness...blah...blah...blah, (I'm sure you have heard this from many people as well) but at the same time I know I don't want to be alone. Like you I am not really that type of person. There have been several times where I have thought I think I will only find true happiness again one day when I can love another man, he can love be back and this feeling of being alone will finally be gone. Finding that happiness again is what I'm hoping for as well.

You are right, we have both been through what I think is one of the most horrible things we could go through...the loss of our husbands. I think we both deserve to find happiness again one day.

Please know that I totally understand how you feel. Wow, this post got really long, maybe I should have just sent you an email.

I hope you have a better day today and know that I think about you often.

~Jenny

Kristi said...

I am sorry Les. We love you the world. Spencer got a letter on his mission from Veronica and it said that she loved him the world. That is an innocent love that we use to describe when we love someone a WHOLE LOT.

Mindy said...

Darn it, Leslie... I was up until 1:30. I wish I would've been up a little later to chat online. If you ever notice I'm online really late, and you need to talk, don't hesitate.

You DO deserve love... you deserve all the happiness that comes from loving and being loved, and I pray that you will find that. Love you!

Anonymous said...

We are still out here Leslie praying and hoping for your happiness. Keep venting! Some of us need someone else to express feelings for us!

Sarah said...

Leslie,

Life sucks. It isn't fair and I don't think you should have to pretend to be happy and that everything is fine. Cry, hit, yell, whatever you need. You are still going everyday and that is all anyone can ask. You do so much and are such a rock and example to Aaron Jr. Let it out. Don't be happy all.the.time. NO ONE can.

You are in my prayers as always.

Anonymous said...

Leslie,

Please don't beat yourself up about the desire to have someone to share your life with. You are not betraying Aaron by wanting to share the joys of life with a companion. I have told you that my fiance died in a car accident. It took me a long time to be ready to marry, to love again. I attribute most of that to the fact that I felt disloyal even thinking about dating, let alone about marriage and a future with someone else. You do have to find happiness in yourself, but that doesn't mean you have to be the happiest person you've ever been before you try to find happiness with someone else. That's not even realistic. I was not "happy" being single, but I found happiness despite being single. Does that make sense? Having gone through some of what you are feeling, I wish I could show you what it feels like a few miles down the road of life. I wish I could show you the laughter, the love, the joy, and the heartaches that are still waiting for you. I believe to the core of my soul that you'll experience that love, the joy, and the frustration of loving another young man. The time you wait before you have healed enough to find someone else is not set in stone and differs from person to person. I did not have a child, I did not get to experience marriage and every day life with my fiance, but I loved him to the core of me. When I married my husband I found that I still loved my fiance. It was soft, gentle, passionate and comforting. It was a peaceful love -- instead of a painful, aching, consuming love. He was NEVER pushed or crowded out. He was never forgotten.

Leslie, it won't be easy starting over. Dating -- ugh! -- enough said. But it is so worth it.

You'll get there, Leslie. You'll find yourself at the point where you want to date, you want to move forward, and I know you'll have the courage to take the steps necessary. I know because you have survived one of the most painful experiences a person can go through.

My prayers are with you. And remember -- Weeping lasts but a night and joy cometh in the morning.

Jocelyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cynphil6 said...

You're right. You do deserve to be happy again. I think it's only natural to feel what you feel. Never be sorry for that,as it's all a process.
xoxo

laurdacooj said...

Hi Leslie,
My name is Laurel, and I just read your post on Jami's blog, and then came over to your blog, and read about you and your wonderful husband, and your adorable little Aaron Jr. and I just want to tell you that I am so incredibly sorry.
I also got a little tickle, because I just moved from Fort Collins and also know Chandra, more her little sister- small world.
I am truly sorry for your loss, and will pray for you and your son
Love, Laurel

Amanda Sue said...

I think is good to vent. I think blogging can be very theraputic for that very reason. I think you deserve all the happiness in the world and I hope you find that very soon! Love ya

Aimee Kieffer, aka "Momzoo" said...

I am sorry you are hurting... **hugs**

Vicki said...

**HUGS** from me, too! I am so sorry and wish there was more I can do to help besides just making comments on your blog letting you know that I care and that I love having you as a cousin. I can tell that you are a strong woman, though (even with the harder times). And I am so glad you have Aaron Jr. in your life. I know he is a huge part of what's keeping you strong. Love you lots and I will pray for you!

Tiffany said...

Hey Leslie- it is Tiffany (I don't know if you remember me) But I need to tell you that you are an amazing person. I know that losing a husband is one of the hardest things to have to go through...but the Lord is there and is always aware of us. I know that there are days that are harder than others. When I think of the struggles that I have been through - I can look back and I know that that is when I was strengthened the most. I know that things happen the way they are suppose to happen and one day we will find out why...but we know that we are loved and that we have special "angels" watching over us and our strong little guys. Finding love and opening the next chapter in life doesn't take the pain away...there are still hard days. But we are comforted by the love of our little guys...your little aaron and my little kirt. You will find love again...it is possible to find it. But it will happen when it is suppose to happen. Embrace each day and live life to the fullest. I know that is what we can learn from this experience. Let me know if you need anything...I can watch Aaron Jr. for you. Anything...let me know.

Christine said...

I was connected to your blog through another one from a friend of mine and have found you to be a rock. I admire you and feel so inspired by your faith and testimony. I love reading your posts and wish sometimes I could bring something to your door and introduce myself. I don't have any pearls of wisdom or something else that hasn't already been said. It is obvious you have an incredible support system that even extends to us strangers too. Know that you have a friend in Eastern Idaho if ever you need one.

Anonymous said...

Leslie, I don't know you, but I pray for you and have faith that you will see brighter days. Remember even though it doesn't seem like it, that this life is like a twinkling of an eye compared to eternity. I wish i could do something that would help you. Don't give up, keep going – Heavenly Father wants you to be happy and he will help you.

April said...

Leslie,
I love you so much. You deserve to be happy in EVERY aspect of life... I want that for you and I know that Aaron would want that too. Follow your heart. Love you.

dani said...

dear leslie... if you feel you are ready to move on with your life, it is ok to do so!!! you are young and beautiful, and you have so much to share. i would think aaron would want you to carry on with your life; doing so (and wanting to find another person with whom to share your life) would seem to only show that you loved him and loved being a wife to him so much that you want to continue on with your life in the same way:)
love and prayers,
dani xxx

Allred Mom said...

Leslie...
Thinking of you and hoping that your week has gotten better.
Also, know that it is okay to vent. In fact, it is good!
Those of us that just know you through your blog are amazed at your strength.
Hold on...You can do it!
Happiness is coming!

Kate, Alek, Hank, and Cash (RIP RED) said...

Hey woman, I must say even though we have never met and besides losing our husbands and having amazing, beautiful sons from them I am not sure what else we have in common (oh yea we both wore cowboy hats in out pictures with our boys), anyway I would talk to you anytime in the middle of the night. I have discovered that the one thing I miss most is companionship the idea of having Randy here with me to go to, talk too, eat a meal with, spend time with. I think when you have loved so completely and whole heartliy like we did and were in healthy marriages you crave it again only because it was so fulfilling. I was fortunate enough to hear my husband tell me, he wanted me to love again, he wanted a good man to be with Alek and I and take care of us, but he did add at the end, "Babe, I will never be mean or haunt that person, but just let them know that when you come to heaven you are MINE again" Bless his heart, gosh I miss him Les,
We will get there woman, our husbands will guide us along with way....
Do you have facebook??
Kate and Alek

Leslie said...

very powerful blog. I am holding back tears as I read things you write. I am sorry for your loss! I see that your LDS and so am I. The peace that comes with the knowledge that we have is overwhelming. I hope that you feel that peace.
You don't know me. I came across your blog. I saw that your name is leslie and thought what a coincidence, she even spells it right =) I will be praying for you and your little boy!

Anonymous said...

Hi Leslie,

I have been away for a week and was so sad to read how much you were hurting on this night.

There is nothing I can say. Just know that I care and wish the world for you.

Love always,

Jane