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Aaron, Aaron Jr, Leslie
This is an evening trip to the park that we took the month that Aaron passed away.
This is Aaron helping Aaron Jr climb the 'rock wall' that evening.
And this is Aaron Jr climbing that same 'rock wall' today. Little things like this bring a smile to my face and a sorrow to my heart. I don't even know if Aaron Jr remembers that Daddy helped him up it his first time... but today, he ran to it and started climbing like it was no big deal. He is growing up so fast.
And these are the shadows of our little family as we walked through the park. This is one of my favorite photos I have ever taken.
Yesterday, I was cleaning in our bedroom and Aaron Jr walked to the drawer where Aaron kept his swimming suits. I have since then added Aaron Jr's swimsuit that is in this photo to that same drawer. Aaron Jr said that he wanted to see his and Daddy's swimming suits. These suits that match are both on top in that drawer. He took his own suit out and was holding it and was touching Aaron's.
At one point, he said something along the lines of Daddy wanting his swimming suit or us taking it to Daddy.
So I asked him if we should take it to him?
He said that we should.
So I asked him where Daddy is.
And he answered that Daddy is far away.
He usually answers that Daddy is at work. Or if we are away from home, he will sometimes say that Daddy is at home.
I asked him if he wanted me to tell him where Daddy is.
He said yes.
Now, I have never told Aaron Jr that his Daddy died. I have told him that he is with Jesus or that he is in heaven. I have never come right out and told him that Aaron died. So, I figured it would be as good a time as any to just test the waters and see if he understood.
So, I sat him right in front of me on the floor and I said, 'Aaron, Daddy died.'
It was so difficult to even say that to him, but I knew there would come a time that I would have to say it.
He looked at me and as he heard those words, his face got a little upset and he said, 'NO, HE DIDN'T!'
So, I said it again, 'Aaron, Daddy died.'
And he said it again so very distressed, 'NO, HE DIDN'T!' and I think that is when he tried to leave.
So, I asked Aaron Jr where Daddy is then.
And he answered that he is at work.
I have been thinking about this talk with Aaron Jr ever since yesterday with a heavy heart. I know how I feel losing my husband. I am an adult who understands what has happened, and where Aaron is. But, I wish so badly that I could get into Aaron Jr's head for a few moments to know what he understands and see what he knows. I know that he understands far more than he is given credit for. He still talks about his Dad as though he is around. He talks about things being his Dad's. He sees other kids with their Dads and it seems like he truly believes that his Dad is at work. I firmly believe that he dreams about him at night and maybe that is why he thinks he is at work while he is awake.
It just broke my heart to have that conversation with him yesterday. After that exchange, I decided to leave it for now until he starts asking more questions. He will understand all of this in his own time.
I love this little boy. I wish I could protect him from the heartache and the hurt of losing and missing his Dad in the months and years to come. I want to protect him more than anything. He is such special boy and I am truly blessed to have him as my son.
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