Saturday, August 8, 2009

Just Us

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This is just a venting post... no need to try to lift me, I am not fishing for compliments or anything... I just needed to share some thoughts, feelings, and emotions. :)

I have been very emotional today.
I don't know exactly what has been on my mind to set me off, but I am just having some emotions that I haven't felt for a while. It has been a while since I wrote about a bad day, but I need an outlet and since it is the middle of the night, my blog is where I do it. I have been stressed lately. I won't say why, but I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed and like I can't breathe. I think reflecting on the changes that have come to our lives and the things that will continue to be different than we had planned, I am having a difficult few days. There have been several things going on lately that have kindof forced me to remember and think about the night that Aaron passed away as well. That has also been cause for difficulty. I have broken down numerous times in the last 12 hours and I feel like my eyes are puffy and red. I am not even understanding my feelings right now, so putting them into words is not working out so well.

I have been reflecting on my role as a mother a lot lately and after just sitting and reading a blog entry by my sister Lisa, it made me super emotional all over again. The past year and a half, I have tried so hard to be a good mom, while still trying to figure out the grieving process for us both. I know I fall short ... daily, but there is nothing I want more than to show Aaron Jr the love and attention that he deserves and needs. I want to protect him and help him become the man that he is intended to be. He is my world.

There are times throughout the days when I lose my patience because he is making a mess in the same spot where I just cleaned up; or I put him off when he so desperately wants me to come and play with him. I always end up feeling horrible, but then I do it again and again. As I sit here feeling the weight of guilt on my shoulders tonight and crying tears of regret... again, I am realizing AGAIN that...

It is just the two of us... if not me, then who?

This sweet boy has been my hero through all of this. I want both of us to be happy, but for sure, I want him to be happy even when I am not. We are getting there... slowly... but we are getting there. Aaron Jr has such a tender heart. He doesn't like to see me sad. He likes to hold my hand when we are sitting watching a show, or when we are laying down to go to sleep. Last night, he came over while I was laying down and he kissed my cheek. It was so sweet. He really is such a strength to me.

I love this boy so much and I hope I am the mother that he needs me to be... someday.

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Anonymous said...

I know that you said that you didn't need comments Leslie, But I am going to anyway.

I have not suffered the loss you have. But I do have the same feelings of guilt and regret that you do, when my precious kids ask me to play and I say that I am too busy, or "I will soon". It is part of your dual role of being a Mummy and being an independent person. Sometimes I just need some time to do what I want when I want, even when I know that I will regret not spending that 10 minutes playing exactly when they want me to.

It doesn't make me a bad mother. And it doesn't make you one either. It is human. It is natural. It is normal. We have selfish moments - and sometimes we need them.

You have enough in your life to worry about without adding this to it.

So stop.

Love to you,


Anonymous said...

Thanks again for a sobering reminder of what is important in life. As I continue my daily struggle watching my own dear husband die of cancer I am often left with the feeling of not being the kind of mother I would want to be. I know it is natural and normal to feel those feelings. You give me strenghth everyday to continue to battle on and keep trying. Thanks again for all you post. I love your emotional venting. It helps.

Sarah said...

We are here for you. Strangers we may be, your emotions are human. Keep 'em coming!

Kate, Alek, Hank, and Cash (RIP RED) said...

Hey woman,
I only wish I could tell you how much your words meet my feelings. I have those same types of days. I also sit at my blog some nights typing away crying my eyes out using it as my outlet. I also have been in a funk feeling more emotional the last couple months questioning alot going on in my life and for my future. I am making some big desicions for the future for Alek and I. I think Randy is guiding me along and as nervous as I am I have to follow my heart. I will be blogging soon about our changes, I already blogged about a few of them. Your an amazing person and mother, I can tell that by looking at your smile and reading your posts. Stay Strong, have your melt downs, keep smiling, most of all just keel living for that little man. That is all I live for is Alek, he deserves it. AND GUESS WHAT we all get to busy at times to pay attention to some of their needs its alright it makes them a bit more independent, which we want for them.
Love to you
Hope to be in touch with you more and I am glad you are blogging more again, it helps to read your posts. And Leslie I am doing what you told me to do a while back right after I lost Randy you said to get through the first year you have to create New Memories, Alek and I have been doing that. We try to do 1 thing a month, it has helped a great deal. THANK YOU

Kristi said...

There is no such thing as a perfect mom. There is always so much we COULD do that it is easy to feel like a loser mom if we don't do it all. Aaron knows that you love him and that is the most important thing. That kid is so sweet to you.