* * * *
This is just a venting post... no need to try to lift me, I am not fishing for compliments or anything... I just needed to share some thoughts, feelings, and emotions. :)
I have been very emotional today. I don't know exactly what has been on my mind to set me off, but I am just having some emotions that I haven't felt for a while. It has been a while since I wrote about a bad day, but I need an outlet and since it is the middle of the night, my blog is where I do it. I have been stressed lately. I won't say why, but I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed and like I can't breathe. I think reflecting on the changes that have come to our lives and the things that will continue to be different than we had planned, I am having a difficult few days. There have been several things going on lately that have kindof forced me to remember and think about the night that Aaron passed away as well. That has also been cause for difficulty. I have broken down numerous times in the last 12 hours and I feel like my eyes are puffy and red. I am not even understanding my feelings right now, so putting them into words is not working out so well.
I have been reflecting on my role as a mother a lot lately and after just sitting and reading a blog entry by my sister Lisa, it made me super emotional all over again. The past year and a half, I have tried so hard to be a good mom, while still trying to figure out the grieving process for us both. I know I fall short ... daily, but there is nothing I want more than to show Aaron Jr the love and attention that he deserves and needs. I want to protect him and help him become the man that he is intended to be. He is my world.
There are times throughout the days when I lose my patience because he is making a mess in the same spot where I just cleaned up; or I put him off when he so desperately wants me to come and play with him. I always end up feeling horrible, but then I do it again and again. As I sit here feeling the weight of guilt on my shoulders tonight and crying tears of regret... again, I am realizing AGAIN that...
It is just the two of us... if not me, then who?
This sweet boy has been my hero through all of this. I want both of us to be happy, but for sure, I want him to be happy even when I am not. We are getting there... slowly... but we are getting there. Aaron Jr has such a tender heart. He doesn't like to see me sad. He likes to hold my hand when we are sitting watching a show, or when we are laying down to go to sleep. Last night, he came over while I was laying down and he kissed my cheek. It was so sweet. He really is such a strength to me.
I love this boy so much and I hope I am the mother that he needs me to be... someday.
* * *