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So, I have had something on my mind for the past few days. And even though it has been on my mind for the last few days, it doesn't mean it is the first time I have had it on my mind, this is just the first time I have sat myself down and finally started to write about it because I needed to put some of my thoughts down so that I could figure them out... I am trying to wrap my head around them so I don't feel so horrible.
Throughout my life, I grew up being a trusting person. I was trusting and I was trustworthy. Until about 10 or 11 years ago, I can't even think of someone before that time who I felt like I couldn't trust. I gave my trust freely to people and it was up to them to keep my trust... or to lose my trust.
I'm not going to go into the who's or why's where my trust has been broken in my life, but let me just say that the first time my trust was broken by someone I was close to, it was one of the more difficult times in my life. Once your trust has been shattered, it is so difficult to build that trust back up. Walls go up, and you are put on the defense. That trust is no longer freely given, once it is broken, it has to be earned back. And that is tough for both people.
This past few days, I have been thinking a lot about the subject of trust. I used to feel like it was broken when someone lied to you, but I have recently in my life realized that trust is not about just being truthful... it comes down to the way you feel around a person.
I realized today, as I pondered on this subject, that when I truly trust someone, I feel safe with them. And I don't mean safe in the physical sense, even though that is another way you can show trust... putting your physical safety in someone else's hands... but the safety I thought about today was feeling safe with that person whether they are right there with you or not.
Whether or not being around a person makes you feel better or worse when you walk away. Whether or not you feel as though your emotional safety is safe in their hands, in their words, or in their actions.
The safety I am talking about is the feeling of safety you get when you think of that person and know that they love you and will protect you and your feelings whether right there with you or behind your back. I started pondering on the people who I feel truly safe with. Safe in knowing that they love me, that they care for me, that they TRULY want me to be happy and they seek the good in me instead of seeking out my weaknesses.
When a word or thought keeps returning to my mind day after day, I like to look them up in the dictionary to try to understand my feelings more...
TRUST: to have faith in; to rely on someone; to believe; to confide someone or something to a person's responsible care
That last one is the one that got me. When I am around someone, how do I feel when I am with them? Are they truly interested in me and how I am doing? Are they truly listening to the words I am saying and what I mean by them instead of listening to my words and twisting them and translating them in their own minds the way they want to hear them? If the answer to these questions is yes... then I should feel safe with that person.
How do I feel when I am not around that person? Do I feel confident that they will think the best of me and look past my weaknesses? Do I feel confident that they are trying to understand me and my motives or do they misunderstand my motives and interpret my motives to be different than they truly are?
These are the questions that have been on my mind lately. I am grateful to say that most of the people in my life are trustworthy... thus making me feel safe with them as a person, as a friend, as a family member, as a loved one. But when you do feel unsafe with someone because you don't know if you can trust them... it sure sucks... and it makes you feel just awful.
I'm having a tough day. I am having one of those days that makes me want to escape. One of those days where I want to throw our stuff in the car, buckle myself and Aaron Jr in the car and just start driving. To escape. But I can't.
Wow, I didn't mean to be so negative... next posting will be better... I hope.
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