Sunday, May 8, 2011

'Bless My Mom Can't Go To Heaven'

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So, the title to this posting is not really as harsh as it sounds...

Back when Ode was still alive, but doing poorly, Aaron Jr was talking one night about Ode. I told him that Ode was getting old and that he wouldn't be around forever. He was disappointed and decided that he would begin praying for Ode.

For the next several months, Aaron Jr prayed for Ode every night. He prayed that Ode would not get old and not die and not go to heaven.

After a while, he began adding me into his prayers. His prayers about me would go something like this:

"Bless my mom can't go to heaven."

Out of the mouth of babes, right? After he had been praying for this for a while, I finally brought it up and asked him about it. I just wanted to know what he would say about it. Our conversation went like this:

Me: "Aaron, when you say 'Bless my mom can't go to heaven', what do mean? Do you mean you don't want me to die?"

Aaron Jr: "Yes, I don't want you to die. I don't want to be alone."

Me: "You won't be. I'm not going to die. I don't want you to be alone either."

Aaron Jr: "I don't want you to go up in the sky."

This conversation broke my heart. I had no idea that Aaron Jr had figured out that if I were not here, he would be alone. I know it wouldn't be that difficult to figure out, but he is only 5. The last thing I want him to worry about is losing me and being alone. I am not sure if kids with both parents living have this fear and worry regularly. (maybe someone can enlighten me on that)... My best guess is that most kids don't worry about such things as this... but because he has lost his dad, Aaron Jr does think about it. He only has one more parent to go before he is alone... meaning without either parent here.

After I told him that I'm not going to die and that I don't want him to be alone, soon after that, he stopped including that in his prayers. I know I can't say for sure that I am not going to die... that is not up to me, but I knew that I had to reassure him and help to take away the fear he was dealing with.
I want to see this sweet boy grow up and I want to be around for him for a very long time.

Its just one more thing that I never realized I would have to deal with in the aftermath of Aaron's death. Yet another consequence that comes along with being the only living parent to this little boy. I hope the fact that he has stopped praying for it means that his mind has been put at ease.

Just before I began writing this posting, I went back and read my posting in November about my gratitude for the Privilege of Being a Mother.

On this Mothers Day, I want to echo that posting again... what I wrote in that posting is still how I feel and the thoughts I would write again.

I'm Grateful for the Privilege of Being a Mother.

~ I also want to share my love for all of the Mothers in my life. ~

I am so grateful for my own Mother and the example she is of so many great qualities. I am grateful for the love and support she shows to me. She has been an incredible mom and I am so grateful for the influence she has had on my life.
Thank you Mom for all that you have taught us and for loving all of us so much.
We love her very much.

(Addition: I just read my sister's posting about our Mom and decided to link it HERE so that anyone who wants to can read about what an amazing Mother we have Thanks for putting it into words for all to see, Karey.)

I am also grateful for my mother in law. I am grateful for the love and support she shows to us. I am grateful for the mother she was to my husband Aaron. He loved (loves) her so much. We love her as well.

I am also grateful for my sisters and sisters in law who are also such great mothers and great examples of motherhood. We also love them all.

When my mother in law asked Aaron Jr what he loved most about me today, his response to her was that I read books to him. So then a little while later, I asked him again what else he loves about me (don't judge me, its MY day, I wanted to hear why my son loves me... hahaha)... anyhow, his response to me was that I sing 'loveabies' to him.
Yes, he calls a lullaby 'LOVEABY'.
I thought that was so sweet. Coming from a little boy who went through a phase of telling me not to sing, I am so grateful that he now asks me to sing to him. I love it.

I am grateful to be a mother... and I always will be grateful.
Being a mother brings me the greatest JOY.
I am blessed.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you loving Mothers out there!

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cucciolo25 said...

Happy Mother's Day.
That is sad that Aaron has even thought to worry about losing his mom too. What a burden to carry at 5.
Bless is cute little heart. We love him and we love you.

partypatt said...

To answer your question, Leslie, I did worry about my parents dying and being left alone. That was after my brother died when I was five years old. So I do think it's a natural worry that children do have. As a preschool teacher, I hear the kids playing "orphan" sometimes. They pretend their parents are gone and they are on their own.

I'm sorry Aaron has to worry about this but you have done your best to reassure him. You are a great mother!

I love the new picture of Aaron, by the way! He is a handsome little boy!

Karey said...

Sweet posting. I agree with him, though. I hope you don't go to heaven for a long, long time.

I love you. Happy mother's day.

Anonymous said...

Hi Leslie!

I just read all of this quotes down the side, and just HAD to come on and tell you that they made me LAUGH!!


Tawnie J said...

You are a wonderful mother Leslie. I love Lovaby. So sweet. What a sweet boy you have. Love you.

Melissa said...

Hi Leslie. Yep, I'm the one you met. I echo so many of your thoughts. My little boys worry about my death too. My 8 year old understands a bit more since he is older and we've just talked about the plan I have in place--in case lightning strikes twice. I hate that our boys have these thoughts even on their radar, but it shows they are thinking. Happy Mother's Day to you, I hope you and your son enjoyed your time together.

Anonymous said...

Just so you know my now 13 year old is always worrying I will leave her to go to heaven and still begs me to promoise I won't die before she does. I think it is a natural concern for some children regardless of circumstances.

Leslie said...

thank you for the input. none of my sisters or sister in laws that i have talked to about this have had kids worrying about their deaths, so i just didn't know.
thank you to those who have let me know some of the fears of their kids as well.
i never know what is 'normal' for a kid since aaron jr is growing up without a 'normal' circumstance.

Anonymous said...

love your new picture at the top of your blog! he has grown up so quickly and it is a great pic!

mudderandfodder said...

What a gorgeous picture of our cute little Aaron. We love him (and you) so much. LMH