Feelings of the Mind and Heart

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 I have been sick for the better part of a month. This has been my worst season EVER when it comes to coming down with sickness throughout a winter. I have had a wicked and brutal case of bronchitis that has had me down for the count and I have just developed what I believe might be strep throat and a double ear infection.
So, as I look over my scattered thoughts that I just got done writing tonight, I realize that my emotions have been on the verge because of being emotionally and physically drained from this illness... and part of me wants to delete all of this that is written below and pretend I never wrote any of it. And since most of it was typed through the blinding of my tears, most of it might not even make any sense... but since I know they are true feelings of my heart, I am going to post them anyway and ask that those who read this will please be gentle in your thoughts.

I continue to press on in my uphill battle and I know I will be fine.

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I wish I knew where to begin. I am feeling lost... in so many ways.

I have so many scattered thoughts running through my mind right now, and my heart is so filled with pain tonight, I feel like I will explode into a million pieces if I don't get these thoughts and feelings out. I guess I will just start typing and see what comes out.

Aaron Jr has loose teeth. This may not seem like a bad thing, but to me... it is so very sad. He has grown up teeth coming in and everything that happens in his life that is a sign that he is growing up makes me want time to slow down even more.

I have been watching old videos a little bit lately... videos from a few years ago, in those first couple of years after Aaron passed away. These videos make me happy, but they also have been causing me a lot of pain because of regret. When I watch Aaron Jr in those videos, I grieve for the little boy that is no longer here. Not that I don't want Aaron Jr to be the boy he is today, but in those couple of years of his life, I was there physically, but not present emotionally. When I watch the videos of this little tiny boy who still needed me in order to survive, I feel so guilty. SO guilty. I was there in his life taking care of his physical needs, but I feel like I was not present so much of the time. I feel like what I was forced to go through and forced to deal with robbed me of the precious moments of motherhood in these precious years of his life. I feel like those first couple of years after we lost Aaron I was walking around in a fog... trying to breathe again and trying to figure out how to survive on my own. I was completely in survival mode. I have talked about this recently with other widows and they have the same memories about those first couple of years... living in shock and not being present emotionally... just in survival mode. I'm struggling with it though...

So, my son, my perfect and precious little boy, missed out on having a mother who was emotionally there and PRESENT in his life... and I missed out on so much that I could have been experiencing as a mom. That time is lost and I cannot get it back. And because I am a guilt monger, I am struggling right now to forgive myself. I wish I could have those years back. I would do things so much differently. I know I would still be grieving the loss of my husband and the lost dreams of a growing family, and I know I would still be feeling lonely and heartbroken, but if I knew then what I know now, I would focus more on him. I would grieve WITH him instead of grieving while closing myself off from the world.

I was so selfish back then, I was so focused on my own loneliness, and didn't think all too often about how lonely my child must have been. I am brought to tears and am overwhelmed with the thought of how lonely he was because of my selfishness. It literally has been breaking my heart lately when I think about it. My heart hurts so much right now for him. He was just so little and so did not understand at all what was going on... and I could have been so much better for him. All I have ever wanted to be for him was a wonderful mother.

I wish so badly I could have heard all of this from a widow back then. If I had known a widow back then and they expressed thoughts like these... I would like to think that I would have tried harder not to have these types of regrets. So I guess that is a reason that I want to put these out here... I wish I had read something like this back then.

I wish I could explain this better. I know in my heart what I am feeling, but it is difficult to explain. I just really wish I could start over... from the day Aaron died. I would truly go through it all again just for another chance to do things differently and be better for my son.

I would go through pain a million times more painful if I could do it over again... for him.

Some of my thoughts lately are not new... but they are ever so present in my mind lately and I need to get them out.

It is no secret that Aaron Jr wants brothers and sisters. He talks constantly about it. After I did the last posting about how he asks if we can do chores, I realized that he might not do that if he wasn't so bored and so lonely that doing chores with me is something he gets to do WITH someone. If he had another child to play with, I am positive he would want to play instead. I am more present in his life now, but he doesn't have as much fun with me as he would if he were able to hang out with a brother or a sister and play and pretend and wrestle.

Yesterday in the car, Aaron was talking about his cousin who just turned 8 and got baptized. He asked me who was going to baptize him when he is 8. This has been a subject on my mind ever since Aaron passed away. I hoped so badly that I would be married again by then so that he would have a dad who could do it. I then asked him who he would want to baptize him. He thought about it for a second and then told me who he would want to baptize him.

I just feel like it is so unfair that these are issues he has to deal with. When I turned 8, my dad was alive, so there was no question in my mind who would baptize me. I hate that my son has to even ask the question, 'Who is going to baptize me?' Why should he have to wonder that? It is such a no brainer for a child whose dad is alive.

I have been talking to Aaron lately about the things we want in our lives and that we should ask Heavenly Father for the things that we want. He knows that I want to get married again and I know that he wants brothers and sisters. So, lately, he has been praying that I will get married again and have brothers and sisters for him.

This is something I have been praying for for years now... but being thrown into this world again, the dating world, is not easy. The first time around was brutal and tough for me, and this time around it is a bazillion times more brutal and more tough for me.

The subject of dating makes me want to
Laugh Out Loud
and also to
Cry Out Loud.

In fact, I often do both... in the same conversation about dating. :)

I'm lost. How do people meet each other these days? I have no idea. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing or where I am supposed to be to meet someone. But I know it is not going to be in my house that I meet someone. It has been suggested that I do a posting on this blog and ask all of you out in the blogging world to help me out in this... to think of the single LDS guys that you know who I could be set up with. But for some reason, it feels strange to actually go through with doing a posting like that.

At the beginning of the year, I had this wonderful hope that this year was going to be MY year. Of course in my mind, that meant I would meet someone great and hopefully on my way to having a complete family again. I still have hope that it will happen... but have no idea where this person is and how we are supposed to meet each other. It is as much a foreign concept to me as it would be to try to speak fluent Chinese today.

I do pray every night that I will receive guidance about where I should be and what I should be doing in order to meet the man who I am meant to meet.

In this process, I feel like heaven has been silent. BUT, since I know that heaven is not silent if we have ears to hear... I know it must be that my life is too loud. In these past four plus years, I tend to have constant noise so that the loneliness does not consume me. I know it is my problem that I am not hearing the voice of the spirit answering my never ending pleas in this matter. I don't think there is anything that I have ever prayed so fervently about. I guess I need to quiet my life. I need to be taught how to listen better and understand what the Lord is trying to tell me.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
~ Philippians 4:13

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