Cycles

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I saw this quote / photo the other day and it struck a chord with me.

Over the past couple of days, I have looked at this photo in a couple of different ways...

I have looked at it as though I am the one in the wheel chair watching what I dreamed of having my whole life. I also have looked at it as though I am the one in the wheel chair watching so many other people living the dream that I have not yet attained.

Someday...

The quote is such a great quote and it can apply to so many facets of life, but when I read that quote and look at that photo, this week, it really made me stop and think. What a blessing to know that Jesus Christ, our Savior, understands the feelings of our hearts.

Its been a tough couple of weeks. There have been great things about these couple of weeks... having family in town, seeing family a lot, special events with family, etc... but emotionally, it has been a tough time. I guess I am on the low end of another round of this recurring cycle, but I know I will get back on the top end sooner than later. Its just how it goes.

I'm getting a little tired of these cycles though... I am ready to try a new cycle, like a bicycle. :) Lame joke, I know, but I am actually serious... I think its time to invest in a bike so that Aaron and I can ride bikes together. That would be a great way to spend some energy.

That was a random side note, eh?

One of the tough things is that I am trying to sell something of Aaron's that has been taking up space in my parents' garage for quite some time. It is a truck bed tool box. We sold Aaron's truck a long time ago and I don't remember him using this tool box in that truck at all... he used it in an old white truck that he sold before he passed away.

Anyway, selling or giving away anything of Aaron's is always bitter sweet. The sweet part of it comes from letting one more thing go that we can live without and thus de-cluttering our lives a little bit more. Obviously, the bitter part of it comes from the fact that we are sentimental creatures and Aaron's things remind us of him.

The tool box.

Yesterday, when Aaron and I got home from somewhere, he saw the tool box set out by the road with a sign that said $50 on it. I went inside and he came in a few minutes later and told me 'I took care of business outside'. I didn't know what he was talking about... I figured that meant he went potty outside, but he said that wasn't what he meant. A few minutes later, he told me again that he 'took care of business outside', then he pointed out towards the tool box. It had been moved and the lid was closed and the sign was taken and put somewhere else. So, I told him he needed to put the sign back. He started looking very sad and told me 'no' and that he wouldn't put it back. He told me that we were not going to sell Daddy's toolbox. I told him that we had to sell it because we didn't have a place to put it. He then said to me something like 'what if we get a new Daddy and what if HE has a truck to put it in'. I explained to him why we couldn't keep it and we went and put the sign back on the tool box, then we went inside. Aaron was so upset... when he gets upset about things like this, he doesn't make a big scene, he gets silently upset. He tries to hold back tears and his face and eyes get red... then he gets embarrassed if people are around and can see him looking sad. Aaron started to silently cry about selling the tool box, so I just hugged him and held him.
Of course, the tool box was emptied. I have kept tools of Aaron's so that I can give them to Aaron Jr. when he gets older. I have kept a lot of Aaron's things to give to Aaron Jr. There are many things that Aaron would have wanted his son to have. I am sure Aaron Jr will treasure those things.

Ever since Aaron passed away, Aaron Jr hasn't really grieved like others have grieved. He was so young, he doesn't really remember a lot, he just knows the idea of having Daddy around. He has seen photos and has had Daddy's things around us, so I think he feels like he knows Daddy. Plus, its very likely that Aaron Jr has had dreams about his Daddy, so its possible he has gotten to know him through those dreams... I hope. Anyway, in the beginning, I always assumed that there would come a time later when Aaron Jr would grieve in his own way... I didn't know when it would happen, or in what ways he would grieve, but I knew it was likely that he would grieve in his own way and in his own time once he was old enough to see what he was missing by not having a father around. Well, I feel like he has started to grieve. This sentimental feeling about Daddy's 'things' is one way that I have felt like he is grieving.

Another way that I know he is grieving is in his desire to have a dad and brothers and sisters. He prays every night that I will get married again so he can have brothers and sisters for him. He talks often about when he might get a brother or sister. He watches his cousins in their families and he feels the void that is there in his own life. I can't fill the role of a sibling, just as he cannot fill the role of a husband or more children for me. Both of us are feeling those voids in our lives and my heart breaks every single day for Aaron as I watch and listen to how much he desires to have brothers and sisters.

I have tried to prepare myself for when I might be helping my little boy through his own grieving process... I think it has begun, but I am not sure what to expect. I pray that I will know how to help him... because heaven knows he sure has helped me through my grief.

I love my sweet boy.

He is my world...

and oh, what a beautiful world he is.

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